by Eoin Colfer
‘Yes. I am not the kind of…’
Wynter raised a conductor’s finger. ‘We are all that kind of person. Survival is the most basic instinct. But, you are sensitive, I can tell, so I will help you along the road to murder. Since my eyes were taken from me, I have become adept at recreating images in my head. I can see the concert halls of my youth. Time and concentration fill the spaces until the picture is complete. Every velvet-covered chair, every footlight, every gilded cherub.’ For a long moment, Wynter was lost in his own colourful past, then the sounds and smells of Little Saltee shattered his mental image. ‘What I need you to do is close your eyes and picture the man who sent you here. Use your hatred of him to awaken the killer instinct.’
Conor did not need to concentrate for long. Bonvilain’s face sprang into his mind’s eye, complete with hateful eyes and derisory sneer.
‘And now, Conor, tell me, do you think you can kill?’
Conor considered everything Bonvilain had done to the Broekhart family.
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I can kill.’
Linus Wynter smiled sadly.
‘We all can,’ he said. ‘God save our souls.’
CHAPTER 7: THE DEVIL’S FORK
In the door opposite Conor Broekhart’s bunk there was a small rectangular window. Perhaps three times in every hour a guard passed by bearing a torch. Flickering orange light poured into the gloom of their cell, casting a vague dancing flame on Conor’s hand when he raised it to examine his Saltee kiss. There, already crusted in scab, a cursive S. He was branded now, forever a criminal.
A kind of peace had descended on Conor. Events were simply so monumental that he could not deal with them, and that brought a kind of freedom. There was nothing to do but concentrate on Otto Malarkey, the deadly Battering Ram who so cheerfully swatted his prey around the diving bell.
Must he be killed? Is there no other way?
There was not, he concluded. Sadly it was either Otto Malarkey or himself. And though Conor had never been puffed by self-importance, he sincerely believed that he had more to offer the human race than the murderous Malarkey. At the very least, he would try to avoid killing any more of his fellow man.
But how to kill Malarkey? How?
What skills had he learned from Victor? The foil, of course, had always been his greatest success. He had the strength of a fencing master in his wrists. And the agility of a youth in his limbs. But how to combine the two?
I don’t even have a foil, or anything like one.
But then Conor remembered the tool belt that had been cinched about his waist. Perhaps that was not strictly true. Perhaps Arthur Billtoe had unwittingly come to his rescue.
The following day’s routine was the same as the previous one’s. Shortly after the single cannon-shot salute, Billtoe appeared at the cell door, a fresh slab of grease taming his locks. That morning he appeared to have shaved sections of his face, leaving the rest sprouting black, silver and ginger bristle.
‘Ready for round two with Malarkey?’ he asked, rifle held before him in case Conor should prove resistant to the idea of being hammered around a diving bell by a Battering Ram.
Conor stood painfully, the stiffness of various mistreatments binding his bones.
‘I am not ready, Mister Billtoe, but I don’t suppose that makes a shadow of difference.’
Billtoe chortled, fishing the handcuffs from his belt. ‘You are right, lad. You have hit the badger on the nut. Not one shade of difference. Let’s be having you, and why not order a big pot of Plantago stew from Mister Wynter, if he could see his way clear to mixing it up.’
Linus did not react to the goading, just held his face in a grim aspect. Conor took this as a reminder of what had to be done. Today he became a killer, or else a corpse.
***
The route to the pipe was the same, but on this morning there was a commotion behind the cell doors. Inmates roared taunts and slapped the wood with the flats of their hands.
‘Moon madness,’ explained Billtoe. ‘She was hanging in the sky last night like a silver shilling. Always gets the lunatics riled up.’
A nugget of information popped into Conor’s mind. ‘That’s what the word means. Moonstruck, from the Latin lunaticus.’
Billtoe propelled Conor along the corridor with a boot in the small of his back. ‘Don’t keep giving me information. It makes me feel stupid and feeling stupid irritates me.’
‘A familiar feeling, I’ll bet,’ muttered Conor.
Billtoe could not be certain whether or not he was being insulted, he tapped Conor with his boot again, just to be on the safe side. ‘Talk clever to Malarkey. He loves a lippy mark, just adds to his enthusiasm.’
Malarkey’s name doused Conor’s wit, and his despair was clear on his face.
‘That’s right,’ cackled Billtoe. ‘Stick that in one of your lesson books. Go on, write it down. Not so generous with the information now, are you?’
The diving bell was already below water when they arrived at the pipe, its tip poking through the surface. The blurred shapes of two inmates were visible through the porthole, hacking agitatedly at the rock below their feet. Guards chose pumpers from a gang of prisoners corralled into a wooden pen on the storeroom level, changing them often to keep the air flowing.
‘The pipe never sleeps,’ said Billtoe. ‘Not now that Good King Nick is gone. All day every day pulling angel tears out of the earth. And do we see a penny? We do not.’
Conor noted the guard’s bitterness. It could prove to be useful information, if he remained on this earth long enough to make use of it.
‘There are compensations though. Sport like this, for example,’ said Billtoe unlocking Conor’s handcuffs. ‘Not that we can see what’s going on between prisoners inside Flora. Not clearly, you understand.’
So that was it. Nobody knew anything, because nobody could see anything.
Billtoe called to Pike, the gang boss.
‘Here, switch them up. Time for Malarkey to earn his few shillings.’
He handed Conor a tool belt.
‘In case you are conscious for long enough to find a few stones.’
Pike pulled the cork bung from the bell’s air tube and hollered the order down. Moments later, two drenched convicts popped from the choppy water, to be briskly elbowed aside and frisked for concealed diamonds. It was a thorough searching that would have uncovered anything larger than a single blood drop.
Conor climbed down the ladder, eyeing the cave for Malarkey. The Battering Ram was easily spotted, reclining on a clump of rocks that bluntly resembled a throne. He threw a mock punch Conor’s way, no doubt expecting today’s performance to be a repeat of yesterday’s.
Not this time, sheep, thought Conor. This is the final show. The curtain comes down this morning.
Conor set both feet on the rock and headed directly for the shoreline. He did not wait for instruction from Pike. Conversation was the last thing he wanted now. Words would simply be a distraction. Before diving into the salty water, he patted the belt at his waist, to make sure the Devil’s Fork was in its holder. Without this simple tool, he would have little chance of overcoming Malarkey.
The water closed around him and Conor’s fingers sought out handholds on the diving bell, pulling himself along its curve until he found the rim. Once inside, the bell’s terrible confined space nearly quashed his will, and Conor was forced to draw several deep breaths before he could even force himself to stand.
Follow your instinct, he told himself. Allow it to consume you.
From the air hole, he heard a splash followed by whoops and cheers. Malarkey was on the way. The Battering Rams spurred on their champion, though none were expecting much of a contest. Displaced water waves shook the bell, sending up a rich hum within its curves.
I must act quickly. Be ready.
Conor glanced upwards. Malarkey had paused at the porthole to further torture his victim. He knocked the glass, grinning broadly, though his yellow teeth were lost in the po
rthole’s scum sheen.
The instant Malarkey’s face disappeared from view, Conor set to work. He quickly extended the mining tripod to its full length, tightening the rings so that the tool would not easily collapse. The tripod was roughly the same as a youth’s practice foil, but terribly balanced with the weight entirely towards the tip. Still, a makeshift foil was infinitely better than nothing.
Conor filled his left hand with the wet diamond pouch from his belt, and scrunched it into a soggy sphere. He was as prepared now as he could be, and yet this entire sequence of events had a tinge of unreality about it. Unbelievable things were happening at a terrific rate.
Like many boys his age, Conor had often imagined going into combat. This was nothing like his daydreams. In Conor’s fantasies, heroic soldiers faced off against each other on windswept battlefields to the sounds of drums and bugles. There was nothing heroic about this reality. A cramped space, the stink of oil, sweat and fear, and the sickness in the pit of his gullet at the thought of having to kill another human, however vile the man might be. It was as his father had always said: war was never noble.
A pale, water-wavering slab of arm crept under the bell rim. The temptation was strong to stab it with the trident, but that would be foolish. He would sacrifice the element of surprise for a gain of only a tiny wound. Malarkey would retreat, gather himself, then return with grim determination.
Conor held back, bending his knees, getting ready to spring. Malarkey lurched under the rim, appearing in spurts, face up, his long strands of fine hair fanning about his head like seaweed. He was smiling still, streams of air bubbles leaking between his teeth. Once his feet had cleared the rim, Malarkey flipped carelessly on to all fours and breached the water like a walrus.
Conor’s breath came fast. Strike now, or the moment was past and he had his two shilling’s worth coming.
Malarkey began to rise, and while he was still bent almost double, Conor used the knobs of the big man’s spine as a step ladder and climbed on to his shoulders. It was a precarious position, and could last barely a moment. A moment was ample to stuff his wadded diamond pouch squarely into the air duct, stoppering it.
Malarkey shrugged him off, still smiling. He was bemused in fact.
‘What yer trying to accomplish, soldier boy? Flight? Even an eagle would be bested by a ram in here.’
‘I blocked the air,’ said Conor coldly. ‘We have two minutes to escape.’
This last fact was a barefaced lie, but not one that would be weighing on Conor’s conscience. There was air enough in here for half an hour at least, but with any luck Malarkey would not know that.
For once luck ran Conor’s way and the jaunty expression slid from Malarkey’s face like greased steak from a pan as he noticed the pipe’s blockage.
‘You blasted numbskull,’ he shouted, the bell vibrating sympathetically with his words. ‘Do yer want to kill us both?’
Conor held the makeshift foil behind his back.
‘No. Not both of us.’
Malarkey’s expression changed to the peeve of a kindly schoolmaster who has finally been exasperated beyond the limits of his patience.
‘I did you quick yesterday, soldier boy. A single punch and that’s a talent. Today, I’m going to be taking my sweet time, and not minding so much about bruises or bones.’
‘That’s right, sheep,’ said Conor. ‘Keep talking, waste the air.’
Malarkey reached out, grabbing Conor by the throat.
‘Now you pop yourself back up on my shoulders and pull out that plug and I might strike you once, but charge for two.’
It was obvious from his tone that Malarkey thought this a great kindness.
Conor pulled out the trident so quickly it whistled.
‘The plug is staying in,’ he said, thrusting the tiny fork heads into Malarkey’s leg.
The Battering Ram dropped Conor, yelping like a kicked mutt. He reared back, striking his head a sound bong against the bell. The impact crossed his eyes and set his ears ringing.
Conor used the moment to settle his stance: knees bent, makeshift foil extended and left arm cocked behind him.
Attack now! his good sense urged. No time for sportsmanship.
But this was not sportsmanship. Conor wanted Malarkey to realize what was happening to him. The hired thug must never be able to convince himself that Conor had triumphed through luck. And so he waited until Malarkey’s vision cleared, then spoke, two words only.
‘En garde.’
Malarkey growled.
‘You think those words scare me? You think I haven’t heard them from a score of prissy officer types what are now no more than bones in their uniforms?’
Malarkey spread his arms wide, advancing through the water. ‘En garde it is then, soldier boy.’
Conor could almost hear Victor’s voice.
Wait for the move. Wait for him to commit.
The wait was not a long one. Malarkey swung in with the same haymaker that he had landed the day before. Conor found that it was not so lightning fast when you were waiting for it.
Conor used a simple attaque au fer, which sets up an offensive by deflecting the opponent’s blade, though in truth he was deflecting himself more so than Malarkey’s arm, which he was addressing as a military-type broadsword.
Now. Facing Malarkey’s flank, he slashed down three times, the fork blurred with speed, like a golden fan. Three red stripes appeared on the band of flesh between Malarkey’s shirt and trousers’ band.
These strikes were for pain.
Malarkey yelped once more, then howled lustily as the pain settled to a steady burn. Conor threw his shoulder into the man’s buttocks, not the most pleasant place to be even for a second, but it did have the effect of clanging Malarkey into the bell curve. His forehead collided with the brass, setting the bell ringing once more.
Now, to the rear, Conor thrust deeply through the water and above Malarkey’s heel, feeling the tines puncture the tough flesh.
That strike was for immobility.
Malarkey collapsed like a wall under cannon shot, filling the bell with spray. The Battering Ram continued to howl, demented with pain and anger. Conor felt his resolve falter.
‘Kill you,’ sobbed Malarkey. ‘I will skin the flesh from your frame.’
Conor’s resolve was firm once more.
He laid several flat strikes around Malarkey’s back and shoulders, forcing him deeper into the sea. With his free hand he shoved straight-fingered jabs into the man’s kidneys, causing him to reflexively inhale half a gallon of water. A trick adapted from karate.
Malarkey was effectively helpless. Wallowing in the shallow water, blinded by pain and salt. An infant with a mean disposition could kill him.
Conor leaned back against the bell curve, panting. His hatred for Malarkey had disappeared as quickly as it had flared up. And yet, this issue of a bounty must be solved today. Was Linus Wynter right? Must he kill this man?
Malarkey rolled on to his back and lay there sobbing, his face inches above the surface, wavelets from his own thrashings slopping water down his gullet.
Conor placed a soldier’s boot on the man’s neck, contemptuously knocking aside Malarkey’s weak grabs.
‘You see now what I can do?’ he hissed, surprised at the venom in his own voice.
Malarkey could not answer. Even if there had not been a boot at his throat, he was beyond words.
Stop talking. Kill him!
Conor jammed the trident deep into the folds of flesh beneath Malarkey’s chin. One more push and the tines would pierce the skin and sever an artery.
‘This is no lucky accident. I can kill you easy as a Sunday chicken.’
Malarkey’s eyes suddenly focused. The thought of visiting the afterlife helps to concentrate the mind.
‘Do you understand that, Mister Battering Ram? I could kill you.’
Do it. Stop your jabbering.
Conor tightened his grip on the fork, the muscles along his arm tensed
. Three drops of blood pooled round the trident heads.
One last push and his tormentor would torment him no more.
‘Please,’ said Malarkey, the word gurgling in his throat.
A bead of sweat trickled into Conor’s eye. Water lapped at the bell curve, humming gently.
‘Please, spare me,’ said the mighty Battering Ram.
I can’t do it. I have no wish to kill this man.
Conor realized that he was not a killer and this filled him with warm relief, because it showed that he had not lost himself entirely in spite of all he had endured. He hadn’t been raised to gain the upper hand through murder, not if there were other avenues.
There must be another way. A more intelligent way.
Conor chewed on his problem without relieving the fork’s pressure on Malarkey’s neck. The Battering Ram must be made an ally. This struggle could not go on day after day. He quickly cobbled together a possible way out, for both of them.
‘Listen to me, sheep,’ said Conor, twisting the trident. ‘I am going to float out of this bell, just like yesterday.’
Otto Malarkey’s brow creased. ‘But I -’
‘Quiet!’ shouted Conor, with an authority he hadn’t known he possessed. ‘Listen to me now. We are hatching a plan, you and I. We will come down here every day, and you will supposedly give me my two shillings’ worth. That way, you can still be king of the sheep. The big ram. In reality we will have ourselves a quiet talk, and you can help me to survive in here.’
Concentration was not easy for Malarkey in his distressed state, but he did think of something.
‘What about my foot? I can’t walk.’
A problem, true. Water dripped from the bell curve, spattering them both with indoor rain. Conor wracked his brain for a solution.
‘After I leave. Wait an hour, perhaps two, then make a great commotion on climbing out of the bell. Thrash around underwater and say the bell trapped you. Blame your ankle injury on Flora. It is a painful wound, but not serious. I missed the Achilles tendon, luckily for you. Strap it tight, and stay off it for a few hours. You will be solid as an oak tomorrow.’
