by Eric Asher
I can see he is writing notes on his iPad and then he looks up. “Sorry to hear about your Auntie, it’s always sad when someone so close to us dies. She must have loved you a lot to have left all those things to you. I bet she didn’t see anyone else when you walked into a room. I bet she loved you and thought you were amazing Faith. I bet she didn’t think you needed surgery to achieve all of that.”
“But she’s family so she has to think like that about me, Toby.”
“No she doesn’t, you would be surprised how many people don’t talk to some of their family members.”
“Well I think she just had to feel like that. I want men and women to look at me and say “I wish I was like her”. Look at me Toby; no one is going to say that looking at me, looking the way I do now. I need to change.”
He is still writing away and then he asks the one question that I didn’t want him to ask. “Is there anyone in particular you want to have that reaction?”
“I want various people to look at me like that, but I suppose I want Jake to look at me like that. I do so much for him, well I did before he asked me to leave and he never once looked at me like that. He wants different women, ones who are leggy, blonde and sexy. I have never been sexy and I want to be sexy.”
I feel exhausted, I feel like I have laid my soul bare, which I suppose I have.
“So out of all of that you want to look sexy and change yourself all for one man who probably doesn’t actually deserve you. Is that right?”
“No! That sounds …so awful. That is not why I am doing this.” I stand up and stomp over to the window. There isn’t really anything to look at out of the window, but I just need to think. The way he has just said it sounds so horrible, so not like me.
“Faith, I just find it hard to think that you don’t think you look sexy. I watched you on the dance floor the other night and I can guarantee you that every man was watching you dance. You have a very sensual air about you and when you dance, it was like being hypnotized.”
I can feel myself blushing. I laugh.
“Seriously Faith, I know I shouldn’t say it but god you looked hot. That dress was amazing and you had a confidence about you that you didn’t have earlier that day.”
“Thank you, I think.”
He laughs. “So I think we have established why you want to change your appearance, your body. Now tell me what your plans are, what are you aiming to do over the next couple of months, both in here and elsewhere.”
“I’ve been to see a cosmetic dentist and I am having some work done on Monday and then she is taking a mould so I can get Invisaligns fitted. When that is done she is going to look at whitening my teeth.” I dare to look up at him but he is taking notes and not looking at me.
“I went and met with a personal shopper and I know I will be visiting her again because I went to Slimming World yesterday and I have started a diet. The personal shopper was brilliant, she could see the woman I want to be and understood me so well. She was the one who told me to buy that dress I wore on Friday night. I would never have bought anything like that.”
When I look at him he is smiling. “Did you ever stop and think that she could see the woman you want to be because that is the same person you are already?”
I laugh again “no because I don’t feel like that woman yet.”
“But there are other things you can do to become that woman without drastic surgery. I don’t think you need to have the surgery Faith.”
He has turned on the couch so that he facing me, I just stare at him. Seriously “No no, you can’t say that to me. You don’t understand what it is like.” I start to get really angry and I know I have tears falling down my face. I am not going to let him take my dream away from me when it is so close I can feel it in my grasp.
“Whenever you walk into a room women stare at you and if they don’t then they are blind. You are just perfect, too bloody perfect.” I say the last bit more to myself than to him.
“You don’t understand what it is to be ugly, to be the only one left at the end of the night with no one to take you home because all your friends have picked up a date. I bet you never spend weekends or holidays alone. You probably have lots of friends because men want to be you and women want a piece of you. How can you sit there and judge me by your standards. I need this done Toby, I need to do this for me and no one else.” I reach out to touch him on the arm, I need to feel contact, I want him to understand how much I need this.
He takes my hand in his. “Faith I understand how you feel, I know you don’t believe me but I do. We all feel lonely and no I don’t always spend my weekends out partying and hooking up with women.” He laughs. “Sometimes I wish I did, but I don’t. I’m far from perfect, but I’m happy in my skin. I can see you are not happy in your own skin and you want to make some changes, even though some of them are superficial.”
He pulls me into a hug. “I just wish you’d stay the way you are now, but I understand how you feel.”
I pull away “thank you Toby.”
He puts down his iPad and then he says “Now I need to look over my notes and make some decisions on whether I think we should do this or not. I understand how you feel but I think we need to take baby steps.”
I start to protest, but he holds up his finger to my lips and I keep quiet.
“I know you mentioned it the other day, but tell me exactly what treatment you were thinking of and we can take it from there.”
“The first thing I want doing is breast enlargement, then a nose job to remove the bump on the ridge of my nose. Then I want a facelift, to enhance my cheekbones, get rid of my jowls and my saggy eyelids.”
I can see he has started writing again on his iPad.
“I will need to take some blood tests today and then we can make an appointment next week to see the results and whether we are able to go ahead with any surgery. You have to be perfectly fit and healthy before I will perform any type of surgery.”
“OK” I say although I hate needles, but I know that over the next couple of months I will need to get over that quickly.
“Then follow me” he stands and holds out his hand to help me up. I follow him through another door, which I hadn’t noticed before. It takes us into an examination room, he indicates for me to jump up on the bed, which I do. “Now hold out your arm.”
I hold it out and he rolls up my jumper and then he wraps the tourniquet around my upper arm and pulls it tight. He then starts tapping me on my inner elbow until he finds a vein he can use. “Right now you’ll feel a little pinch” and he puts the needle in. I can’t look. The blood starts oozing out down the small tube. I start to feel dizzy, now I know why I don’t give blood.
“Are you ok Faith? You’ve gone a little pale.”
“I …. I ….. I’ll be ok I just don’t like needles very much.”
“I’m sorry you should have said.” He quickly finishes what he is doing; he puts a ball of cotton wool and a piece of tape over it and pulls my jumper down. He then turns and picks up the phone on the desk in the corner and makes a call. “Hi Bev, can you bring in a cup of hot, sweet tea for Faith please?”
He comes over to me and he holds out his hand to help me off the bed, he then keeps his hand on my elbow as he steers me through to his office where I sit on the couch. I lean forward and put my head between my legs because I feel really sick.
I hear the door open and Bev coming in “is she ok?”
“Yes she will be, thank you Bev.”
I grunt “thanks” and then I hear the door close as she walks out.
“Drink this Faith you will feel better.” I slowly lift my head and take the hot cup and sip it slowly.
“I’m sorry” I manage to stutter.
“It’s ok but you should have said something. We are going to need to do a lot of blood tests during this whole process Faith, we need to find a way that isn’t going to make you nearly pass out when I do that next time.”
“I’ll be fine, I just need to
make sure I’m prepared. I feel better now. Thanks Toby.” I smile at him.
“Listen Faith, I am going to be honest with you. You have asked for three major surgeries, each in turn has a few weeks recovery in between. I can’t do them all at the same time, your body won’t be able to cope with that. Let’s book you in for next week and then we can check the results. I am going to look over my notes and we can take it further when we meet.”
“That sounds perfect.” I’ve really perked up now and I want to go home, I feel really drained. Toby opens his diary and books me in for next Tuesday.
I stand and wait for him to escort me back to the reception area, he opens the office door and puts his hand on my lower back, it makes my hairs stand on end. I think I like it.
“Bye Bev and thanks for the Tea. Hopefully that won’t happen again.” I giggle.
I see Toby look at me and then he smiles. “Fingers crossed” he says. “I’ll see you on Tuesday, Faith. Enjoy the rest of your week.”
“See you next week” I say and then walk out of their offices. When I get home, I realize I was in his office for nearly two hours. Wow how time flew. I am wrecked, I feel like I have been through a wringer and I go upstairs and lay down.
I can’t believe that I am dieting, I never seem to stop eating. I eat breakfast, then a snack, then lunch, then a snack, then dinner then supper. It’s mad but I just had my first weigh in and I’ve lost six pounds. Wow that is amazing, after all the years that I have tried to diet this is the first time that I have lost anything significant. I am going food shopping when I get a call from Janie.
“Hey Janie, how’s it going?”
“Faith, sorry I didn’t get chance to ring you earlier, Friday night was a blast. You’ll never guess what. I’ve had a date with Seamus, he’s gorgeous.”
“Really oh I’m delighted for you, he really is gorgeous.”
“Well I wasn’t ringing to tell you that” she laughs. “We are organizing another night out and we want you to come with us.”
“Oh I don’t think I should, is it a work night?”
“Yeah it is, but I don’t really want to go if you are not there.” She whines in a little girl voice.
I laugh. “Ok when are you going out and where are you going?”
“We are going out on Friday night, of course, and we are going to Bruxelles and then onto Lily Bordello’s”
“Wow upmarket this week is it?”
“Yeah it’s Jakes birthday.” My heart stops, every time I hear his name I get sweaty and excited.
“Will you be bringing Seamus?” I only ask her because I don’t want to be left on my own if she disappears. I know Ben will stay with me and chat to me but I’d rather Janie did.
“Well I’ve told him where we are going so he said if he goes out he might just end up in the same place. He might and then again he might not. I’m not going to hold my breath, I’m seeing him on Saturday anyway.”
“Well it sounds like fun, I’ll definitely be there.”
“Great see you on Friday night then”
She hangs up the phone before I have the chance to say goodbye. It’s Jakes birthday, she said. I decide that I have to go shopping this week to find something nice, but small, for him. I smile to myself, today is turning out to be a good day.
I arrive at A New You’s clinic on Tuesday morning with mixed feelings. I’m apprehensive that Toby might say he isn’t going to operate on me, anxious because he might say he will and I have to be ready for that answer too. Then I have this little strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels like butterflies flapping around at the thought of seeing Toby again.
He is waiting for me when I walk in, Bev isn’t around. “Hi am I late?”
He smiles and he truly is gorgeous. “No I’m filling in for Bev, she had to go home she was sick. I don’t have loads of appointments today so I am doing both jobs.”
“Really? That’s very good of you, most bosses wouldn’t do that.”
“Haven’t you realized yet that I am not most bosses Faith?”
“I’m getting that feeling, yes.”
“Well come on then let’s go sit in my office, I will have to leave my door open so that I can hear the doorbell if anyone comes early or something.”
I nod and follow him down to his office. He indicates for me to sit in the chair next to his desk, no comfy couch today.
“How are you Faith? Did you have a good weekend?”
“I did, I didn’t really do much, I relaxed and had some “me” time. I never do that so I enjoyed it. I got to read a book as well and I haven’t done that in years.”
“Good, relaxation is good. Did you go out?”
“No I didn’t. Oh I heard your friend Seamus went out with Janie. They hit it off by all accounts.”
“Yeah they did and he really likes her but don’t tell her that.” He laughs.
“I wont” I say putting my finger up to my lips. He smiles and there is silence for a couple of minutes.
“Your blood test was perfect, you are very healthy Faith.” He smiles at me and then says “Right I read over my notes, even though I didn’t need to because I had really made my decision before you left but I wanted to give you space and time to think about it. Did you have any second thoughts? Have you done anything this week to make any changes to your life?”
“I went to slimming world yesterday and I have lost six pounds so that spurred me on to continue with these changes. I have thought about it, almost thought about nothing else and I still want to do this Toby.”
“I know you are very determined. Well thinking back on our chat the other day I will do your surgeries but you will have to give yourself enough time during each treatment to recover properly before we move on to the next surgery. Does that make sense?”
“Yes I suppose it does. I suppose in my dreams it was all done in the same surgery and this would all be over in a quick space of time. I understand though, you know what you’re doing and you’d only do the right thing.”
He smiles “yes I do know what I am doing. Having said all of that I have decided the best route we can take with the surgeries. We will do the nose job first, this is the quickest, easiest surgery of the three. The recovery period is a few weeks, not months. This means we can move onto the second surgery – breast enlargement – after that and then finally, if you still want to do it, the facelift.”
I can feel myself getting excited; I can’t believe this is actually going to happen. “That sounds perfect, thank you Toby.” I can feel the tears in my eyes because I am so happy.
Toby must have seen them too because he reaches over and gives me a tissue. “So let’s have a look at the diary then, see when we can fit you in. I usually do surgeries on a Thursday or a Friday, just so that the patient can recover in peace over the weekend. Now you will have to stay in over night, we have a small hospital that we use for our patients.”
“Right, I suppose I didn’t really think about how long it would take and that I would have to stay in. But ok, that’s fine. Whatever you say.” I smile at him and he takes a long time studying my face.
“So are we going to do this then?”
“Yes we are.”
“Right, then I have an opening next Thursday if you want to take it.”
“Yeah I’ll take the first appointment I can, I want to get the ball rolling quickly.”
“Then you need to be here at eight o’clock sharp next Thursday morning and we can do all the preliminaries etc. Do you have someone who can drop you in and take you home when you are released?”
“I can ask mum or dad, they will do it for me.”
“That’s good.”
I hear the front door bell ring and he stands up “sorry I have to go and see who that is.”
He rushes off and I can hear him talking to some lady, I stand up and walk through to him because he sounds flustered.
“Faith do you know how to use computers? I know how to use Ipads and my laptop but some
of these programmes are just so difficult. Mrs. Brennan, please take a seat and I will be with you shortly.”
I laugh because he is always so composed and now I can see him stressing a bit.
“What are you laughing at?” he says smiling at me.
“It just seems strange seeing you flapping like that. Move over and let me have a look.” I nudge him out the way.
I sit down at the computer and find a little sticker which has the password on it and pop it into the machine. It fires up and I look at him with a little grin, gloating at him.
“Well smartarse” he says. “What do you do now?”
“Give me a minute to check the diary.” I click a few buttons and the outlook diary pops up on the screen. “Ah Mrs. Brennan yes, I see you are booked in for a counseling session with Judy today.” I look at Toby because I haven’t heard of a Judy because he did my counseling session.
“Judy will be here in five minutes.” Toby says to her.
“Can I get you a drink Mrs. Brennan? Would you like tea or coffee?” I ask her.
“Thank you dear, can I have a coffee please, milk and two sugars.” She answers me.
“Of course you can. Dr Whyte can you show me where to make Mrs. Brennan a cup of coffee please?”
He indicates for me to follow him down the corridor, past his office and into the small kitchen area. While I am busy making the coffee I can feel him watching me. Without turning to face him I ask him “are you watching me?”
“Yes I am” he laughs. “You don’t need to do this you know, I can make coffee.”
“Really well go on then.”
“It’s ok, I’d much rather watch you making it Faith.”
I laugh, typical man. After I’ve made the coffee I walk back to reception and hand the coffee to Mrs. Brennan. I notice she is talking to a woman who is about thirty-five and she smiles at me when I look at her. I hold out my hand “hi I’m Faith” I say.
“Hi I’m Judy. Aren’t you supposed to be in an appointment with Dr Whyte?”
“Yes I am but Mrs. Brennan arrived and she wanted coffee.”
“Ah ok” she says as she takes Mrs. Brennan off for her counseling session.
