by Eric Asher
When I get home I rush upstairs to find something to wear. I pull lots of dresses out and throw them on the bed but they don’t suit my hairstyle. That sounds funny but it makes me feel different, more confident, more in control. I find another dress that Bridie encouraged me to buy, I am definitely going to have to go back to see her soon, she has been amazing and so right.
The dress is Royal blue and black in panels, like a body con dress. The black on the sides makes me look a lot slimmer, it has long sleeves, a plunging neckline and it stops just before my knees. It enhances my curves and makes my breasts look even bigger. I can’t stop admiring myself in the mirror.
I am still looking in the mirror when the doorbell rings and it’s Toby. I open the door and when I do all I can see is hunger in his eyes. “Wow Faith, you look amazing. Your hair is beautiful, it suits you so much. It frames your face and shows off your natural beauty.”
“Thank you Toby and thank you for making me do this today. I really appreciate it.” I lean towards him and kiss him on the cheek. He smells absolutely divine, I could just eat him.
“Come on m’lady your chariot awaits.” He chuckles.
I take his hand and walk out of the house, locking the door behind me. He opens the door to let me get in the car and we do the same journey we did two nights ago. I can feel a tension between us, everything has always been so easy going but tonight it feels different.
“Are you ok Toby? You seem different tonight.”
“I’m absolutely fine Faith, I just need to make sure I keep an eye on you tonight, you’ll have loads of admirers.” He smiles at me and takes my hand to guide me across the road after he has parked the car.
When we reach Bruxelles he stops me before I enter the pub. “Faith, I really like you and I don’t want to get in your way of getting what you want in life. If you really want to make all those changes and you are doing it for the right reasons, then I won’t stop you. I just don’t want you to do it for the wrong reasons. That’s all” he says to me with sincerity on his face.
“Thank you Toby. I really appreciate it. Now let’s party.”
He opens the door for me to go in first and something happens to me that I’ve never experienced before. People start looking at me and I don’t think it’s because I’m big, I think it’s because I look pretty tonight. I can feel a warm feeling spreading inside me.
I turn to Toby and smile at him, he takes my hand and squeezes it. As we walk through the pub I can see my friends at the back of the bar. We walk in their direction. I see Jake and my heart skips a beat, he turns and looks at me. I can see him looking at me appreciatively and then he turns away again. Within one beat he turns back when he realises it’s me. That is the moment that I have always wanted from him, that moment when he looks at me with hunger in his eyes. I smile at him and he smiles back. Then he looks down and sees me holding Toby’s hand, I drop it quickly. He smiles again.
“I’m going to get us some drinks” Toby says walking to the bar.
Janie comes running up to me. “Faith, wow you look amazing. I have never seen you looking so beautiful. What did you do?”
“I had my hair cut short and they did my make up that’s all.”
“No it’s more than that. You are blossoming so much and you are sparkling like a diamond. I think it’s Toby that makes you feel like this and it’s making you have more confidence and we can all see that.”
“No don’t be silly why would Toby make me feel like that, he’s my friend that’s all.”
“Yeah as I said before – whatever!”
“I’ll be back in a minute Janie, I’m just going over to say happy birthday to Jake.”
She grabs my arm as I go to walk away. “Faith, he isn’t the one that you need in your life. He will use you for one night and then he will leave you. Don’t do it. Respect yourself more.”
I pull my arm away “I’m only saying happy birthday” I snap at her.
I go over to him. “Hi Jake, happy birthday.” I lean up to kiss him on the cheek and he turns his head so that he kisses me on the lips. I blush.
“Thank you Faith. You look amazing. Not working for me obviously suits you well.” He says all of this while looking me up and down. It doesn’t make me feel pretty at all. It makes me feel a little bit cheap.
I can smell Toby approaching me before I hear him, I love the smell of Armani Code. “Faith here’s your drink. I’m going over to Seamus if you need me.” He hands me my drink and then walks away.
“Who is your new friend Faith? Where do you know him from?”
“I’m working for him to help him out. I really enjoy the work and it gets me out of the house. You know how much I like to work.”
“I do, no one works as hard as you. Sasha just can’t keep up with you at all.”
“Talking of Sasha where is she tonight?”
“She’s over there giving you the evil eye. Don’t worry about her she won’t be around for much longer. Your old job might be available soon if you are interested. It was a mistake to get rid of you like that. I’m sorry.”
I can’t believe he apologized, that is not like him at all. Maybe I could go back and do what I used to do.
“Faith, Faith, come over here and lets dance.” It’s Janie.
“Sorry Jake, I’ll see you later.”
“You sure will. Think about what I just said and let me know.”
I walk back over to Janie and see Toby and Seamus in mid discussions. Toby doesn’t look very happy, there’s something strange about him tonight.
“Janie, guess what just happened? Jake offered me my job back, isn’t that just amazing. We can work together again.”
She stops dancing. “Are you for real? Do you know how much you have changed since you left that company? You are in a much better place in your life since you left and no longer have to bow and scrape to Jake every day. He’s using you like he has always used you. He is taking your infatuation with him and twisting it to his advantage. Wake up Faith and see what is in front of you before it’s too late.”
I storm off the dance floor and go out the back where the smoking area is. I need some fresh air. I have tears running down my face. How can she talk to me like that? She knows how long I have wanted Jake. Now I have the chance of my job back and I believe at least one night with him. This is what I have always wanted since the first time I met him. Why doesn’t it feel as exciting as I thought it was going to? What do I have to sacrifice to be the woman he wants?
I am leaning over the railings when I can feel Toby approaching, not only do I know his smell but I can feel his presence. He leans over the railings next to me. “Are you ok? I heard some of what Janie said to you. She loves you, you know. That’s why she said those things. Everyone else around you can see it Faith. She doesn’t want to push you away, she just wants you to see what’s in front of you.”
“Why does everyone have to get into my business? I’ve always wanted Jake, it’s never been anyone else for me. I have him in my grasp and now everyone is telling me not to go for it. Why?”
Toby looks at me and I can see he has tears in his eyes. “I’ve tried to explain it to you, you gave me a week, I’m a couple of days short of that week but if you don’t know by now then you never will.”
“I need help Toby. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love the person I am becoming, this confident, sexy woman, but I don’t want to lose my friends on the way.”
“Have you ever read the Ugly Duckling? You know the one where the duckling who didn’t fit in anywhere turns into a beautiful little swan.”
I hold my breath, I can’t believe he is talking to me about my book. “Yes I know it.”
“Well that duckling did all of that naturally, over time and I think of that story every time I look at you. You are that beautiful little swan, you should be treated like you are special, because you are special.” He leans forward and pulls me into a hug. He puts his finger under my chin and lifts my face up so that I look in
to his eyes.
“You have always been beautiful Faith, you just couldn’t see it yourself.” He leans in close to me and his hand caresses my cheek. I can’t breathe. My heart is racing. He looks into my eyes and then he kisses me, slowly, on my lips. I return the kiss, I can’t help it, it feels natural. He moans, I moan and he takes my lower lips in between his teeth and sucks it very gently. He lets go of my mouth and then lifts his head, he kisses me on the forehead and says “goodbye my little swan. You need time to make your own decisions and be the woman that you should be.”
He moves away from me and goes back inside. Now I am even more confused. How can he kiss me? He is way out of my league, surely he doesn’t really think of me like that. Does he? I stand at that railing and cry for forever. No one comes to find me. No one cares about me. The two people who did care have left me to my own thoughts. There is a bar outside in the smoking area and I go over and order four baby Guinness’ and a pint of lager. I am going to get drunk tonight.
I don’t know how long I stay outside for, but I am cold. Lonely. Sad. I go back to my railing, they make me feel safe. Someone comes up behind me, they put their arms on either side of me. “Faith are you ok? You’ve been gone for a long time.” It’s Jake.
Do you know how long I have wanted him to be this close to me? Rubbing himself up against me? A very long time, that’s how long. Do I take what I want or do I walk away?
That is the sixty four million dollar question and I am not sure of the answer.
Oh my god what is that noise? Where am I? I can’t even lift my head it hurts so much.
I must have been really drunk last night. I remember drinking shots. I remember Jake coming out to talk to me. Then I don’t remember anymore after that.
The door opens and my mum walks in. “How are you this morning Faith? Does your head hurt?”
“Mum what am I doing here? How did I get here?”
“Go and have a shower, then come downstairs and I’ll tell you what you told me last night.”
“Ok” I can’t believe I turned up here when I was so obviously drunk. I pick up my phone to see if I have any messages but my phone has died. I plug it in while I have a shower.
When I am dressed and feeling slightly refreshed I grab my phone and go downstairs to face the music. Mum and Dad are both waiting for me. I walk into the kitchen and Dad makes me a coffee. I sit at the breakfast counter and take the cup from him and wrap my hands around it and take a sip.
“How are you feeling honey?” Dad asks me.
“I’ve been better. I can’t remember what happened. Did I tell you what happened?”
Mum nods her head. “When you came here last night you were banging on the door and shouting to be let in. We didn’t know what was going on – it was frightening. We opened the door and you almost fell through the door sobbing. Once we established that you were not hurt we managed to calm you down.”
“I’m sorry mum, I was obviously very drunk.”
“You were, but I’m glad you came here instead of going home alone. You were so sick, you could have choked or something.”
I turn my phone on while she is talking.
“You told us that you felt really confident and Toby was telling you how beautiful you looked and all you wanted was Jake. When you started getting attention from Jake, Janie and Toby had words with you and you ran outside to get some fresh air. You told us that Toby came out to talk to you and then he kissed you. You told me it was amazing and the best kiss you’ve ever had. He left you there and told you to think about what you really want in life. You told him it was Jake, it was always Jake.”
“Oh no I didn’t say that did I?”
“That’s what you said. Then he walked away from you and you cried and drank shots and lots of beer to try and numb the feeling in your chest. Then Jake came out and he made a pass at you. You told me that this was something you always wanted, something you needed. When he kissed you, you started to kiss him back. Then his hands were wondering and you realised that you didn’t want him, he wasn’t the man you wanted to be with. So you punched him.”
“Oh my god I didn’t did I?”
“Yeah you did and he started hurling abuse at you. You were very upset by everything he said.”
My phone beeps with messages. There are four, two from Janie and two from Toby. I read Janie’s first.
“I hope you’re ok. I saw the carnage out in the smoking area. Text me and let me know you’re ok.”
Then there is another one about an hour later.
“Faith I’m really worried about you. Ring me as soon as you can. Toby went to look for you and you’d gone. Where are you?”
I text her back.
“Janie I’m ok. I’m trying to piece together what happened last night. I have never been so drunk and I have a horrible feeling in my stomach that won’t go away.”
Now I know I need to read Toby’s messages.
“Where are you Faith? We are worried about you. I came out after I saw Jake going out after you and I saw what happened. When he came in on his own I went out to make sure you were ok and you were gone. Text me and let me know you are ok please x”
He must have seen Jake kiss me and then me punching him. I wonder what happened after that. Where did I go?
“I know you don’t want me Faith, but you can at least let me know you are ok. You don’t need to come in to work on Monday I can manage on my own if that is what you are worried about. I am going to arrange for someone else to do your surgery on Thursday because I can’t go ahead with a surgery that I don’t believe is necessary. You don’t have to see me again. Just text me so that I know you aren’t hurt. X”
Oh my god he is pushing me away. I can’t believe how much it hurts. I have to reply.
“Toby, I would never push you away. If you saw what happened then you would know that. If you don’t want me to work with you or you’re not going to do my surgery then I understand. Thank you for the last couple of weeks.”
“Mum I have to go and lie down. I don’t feel the best and I need some time on my own.”
She nods. “I’ll have dinner on later so just go to sleep and come down when you feel better. I know there’s more to this story than you are telling me.”
I nod my head and then walk up the stairs, when I reach my bedroom I flop down on the bed and sob. I’ve always wanted Jake and I had him in my grasp and I punched him. Why did I do that? I wonder what he said to me after all that. I’ll have to ask Mum later.
I eventually fall asleep and stay in my room for most of the day. I dream of a tall, dark handsome man sweeping me off my feet in my wedding dress. We are on the beach and when the priest says “you may kiss the bride” I look up into his face, but there is no face just a hollow shell.
I don’t have any messages on my phone when I wake up. It disappoints me. I thought Toby might have replied to my message.
I go downstairs and dinner is ready. When we are eating mum tells me about everything that Jake said to me. He said that I was never going to get a man, I was frigid, fat, ugly and I was trying to make myself look beautiful but it would never work and that he was only trying his luck because Sasha had gone home.
I can’t believe he said that to me, he also told me that he was only offering me a job so that I would be grateful and sleep with him. He never had any intentions of giving me my old job back. How stupid have I been?
After dinner, we wash the dishes and then while we are sitting in the lounge mum says “Faith, your Dad and me were talking last night before you turned up and we were going to go to Crete to see if we can find this house. I went to the solicitor yesterday and he gave me the details and the key. We were thinking of going tomorrow morning. I think it would be really good for you to come with me instead of dad, it will give you a break from everything that has been going on here. What do you think?”
I start to cry “mum I think it’s a really good idea, I think I need to spend some time thinking about what I want a
nd where my life is going to go next.” I hug them both. “Thank you so much and I’m sorry for last night.”
“Faith you will always be our daughter no matter what, we are just happy that you felt you could talk to us about everything.”
“I better go home and pack then hadn’t I?”
“Absolutely I will change the flight details from Dad’s name to your name and the plane leaves at six thirty in the morning. We will collect you at four thirty.”
Dad drives me home and then I say my goodbyes. When I go into the house, it feels lonely and sad. I think back to the last couple of times Toby was here in my house and how much fun I had with him. I pack my suitcase and then climb into bed. It’s going to be an early morning.
As I am dropping off to sleep I get a message from Janie.
“I hope you are ok, if you need me you know I am here.”
“I’ll be ok. Everything is just confused right now. I feel like I’ve lost a really good friend and I can’t get past that.”
“Toby will always be there for you Faith. You just need to reach out.”
“Thanks. I won’t be around the for next few days, I need some time to think about my life and what I want to do about it. I won’t be answering my phone so I will talk to you when I get back.”
“Will you be ok?”
“Yes of course I will. Especially when I have good friends like you.”
I look at my phone and turn it off. I am not going to turn it on while I am away. Dad knows how to get hold of me if I’m needed.
I fall asleep and dream of white sandy beaches and blue skies.
We are just taking off on the plane and mum holds my hand. She hasn’t flown a lot and is quite scared. We talk about my hairstyle; it seems to keep her calm.
“I love your hair, it really suits you. It’s like you believe in yourself, you really are turning into that beautiful swan that I know you have always been.”
“Don’t be silly, a haircut and a few new clothes don’t make you beautiful mum. Being perfect does.”
