by Chad Kultgen
When she walked in my room she sat down on my bed, closed her eyes, and said, “Okay, I’ve been waiting like all day for this. What’s my surprise?”
I said, “I’m taking you out to dinner.”
She opened her eyes, smiled, and said, “What’s the occasion?”
“The occasion is I love you and I guess I’ve been missing you a little the past few months—”
“Because of Kappa?”
It was because of Kappa, but I didn’t want her to think I didn’t like her being in a sorority, even though I guess I actually didn’t, so I said, “No. I know you love being a Kappa and I understand you have to spend time doing stuff. I didn’t mean it like that. I just thought it’d be nice for us to go out like we used to and have a nice dinner.”
“I agree. So where are you taking me? Big Al’s?”
“Not quite. Got us a table at Nick and Sam’s.”
“Really?” And she lit up. She was genuinely happy, there was no mistaking it. It was just another in a long string of genuine reactions on her part that should have sent me running for the hills. If I had told her we were eating at Big Al’s she wouldn’t have given a shit, but Nick and Sam’s, that’s a different story. And it wasn’t even about the food, it was about the money I was going to spend on it, that’s what was behind her smile. It didn’t matter to me then, though. All that mattered was that she was smiling because of something I did. She loved me.
We had a nice dinner that cost me every penny of the few hundred dollars I had saved. We talked about TV shows and movies and my parents and her sister and mom and about the summer camps we went to when we were kids. She didn’t bring up her sorority once. I wanted to think it was because she was so involved in the moment that all she could think about was me and us but I know she was actually just showing a rare moment of consideration for me. I had shelled out the cash for her dinner, so the least she felt she could do in return was lay off talking about her boring sorority shit.
After dinner we went back to McElvaney. She grabbed my hand when we got out of my car and held it all the way from the parking structure to her room. I was already thinking about the blowjob I was about to get when she got a phone call. She looked down at the number and then said, “Sorry, hang on.”
She opened the door to her room and we both walked in as she answered her phone. I sat on the bed and listened.
She said, “Hey. Yeah. Oh, okay. Sure. No, it’s no problem. When? Yeah. Okay, sounds good. See you soon.”
She hung up her phone and then turned toward me with a look that I already knew meant I wasn’t fucking her tonight. As hard as I might have tried to have one night with Heather that was the way it used to be, I knew it would never happen again.
She said, “That was Andrea. They’re having like an impromptu meeting right now about this quad party that Kappa is throwing with Pi Phi, Pike, and ATO. I kind of have to be there.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I have some studying to do anyway.”
“If it doesn’t go too late, I’ll call you.”
“Sounds good.”
I stood up and she hugged me tighter than she usually did. I thought it was because she might have felt bad for bailing on me after I paid for dinner and everything, but I think she might have actually been doing the same thing I was that night, trying to hold on to something she used to love, something that used to be the best thing in her life. But no matter how tight she squeezed, it was gone. I think we both knew it that night. But, like I said, neither one of us did anything about it.
She left to go to her meeting and never called me back. I could only assume her “meeting” involved booze and probably some guys—not that I thought she was cheating on me or anything, but you never want to think your girlfriend is drunk hanging out with a bunch of douchebag frat guys who are all waiting to drug her and rape her in the ass.
chapter twenty
I mean, yeah, I felt bad about not calling Kyle back that night, but we just got really busy at this meeting and I couldn’t really just step out to make a call or anything. Seriously, I was a pledge. I pretty much had to put my sisters and the needs of the sorority above everything else at that point. I knew Kyle understood.
I didn’t really think too much about it, but I guess after that night me and Kyle just kind of slipped into a routine where we’d see each other a few times a week and wouldn’t really do anything except watch TV together. We had sex I guess like probably two or three times a month, which I knew wasn’t really enough for Kyle, but I was usually pretty exhausted from the pledge stuff I had to do all day, so when I finally did get to hang out with him I just wanted to sit there and do nothing, you know?
So Kyle and I just kind of maintained our relationship. I didn’t really want to break up with him. I didn’t even really have time to go through all of that and even though he was getting kind of needy, it wasn’t bad. And I know he didn’t want to break up with me. I was pretty much the best thing that ever happened to him, and I knew he really did love me even if we were kind of starting to slip apart.
I guess the next big thing that happened for me that semester was my initiation. I pledged for around eight weeks, I think, maybe a little shorter, and I was glad to have it be over. We didn’t really have to do anything horrible like the stories you hear and everything while we pledged. It was just mainly being at the house a lot and helping with party planning or cleaning the house sometimes and stuff like that. But we definitely didn’t have the same status as the sisters. So it was really nice to finally be a real Kappa.
Our initiation ceremony was really cool. All of the other Kappas were there dressed in white robes and there were white candles and everything everywhere and we had to recite our oath and then we got our pins and it was honestly one of the best days of my life. I cried a little bit and Andrea did, too. We had had a few other conversations about our abortions and everything during the time I was a pledge so we had gotten pretty close and I could tell she was really happy for me and happy to have me as a sister.
Then once we got our pins we had like a week of parties and initiation activities. Some of the initiation stuff was supposed to be really nasty, but it wasn’t. It was a pretty similar kind of experience to being a pledge really. I guess maybe the weirdest thing we had to do was steal a foosball table from the Pike house, which I guess used to be the initiation for the guys at KA, but in the past few years the frats and sororities all decided they were going to switch some of the initiation activities to make them more difficult. If anything, it made it even easier for us. A Kappa from my pledge class named Jennifer Halloway was fucking this Pike named Tommy Dresmeyer and I guess she was really good at deep-throating and she let him fuck her in the ass all the time, so he totally just let us take the foosball table without even having to sneak around or anything.
I mean I guess the rest of the semester was just filled with a lot of parties and everything, and it looked like going into the summer Kyle and I were going to be okay. I figured once the semester was over we would have the whole summer together and he would be happy to be able to see me more and I would be able to spend a bunch more time with him and figure out if I really wanted him to be my boyfriend as a sophomore. I knew that I’d still be partying a lot my sophomore year, and I did kind of think it might be important to be able to hook up with guys at parties and everything.
Anyway there was probably only like a month left in school and we got together with ATO and threw this Heaven and Hell party. It was a big end-of-the-year party that Kappa and ATO always threw together and you had to come dressed as an angel or a devil or something that had to do with heaven and hell. I was dressed like an angel. This one guy from ATO, Gary Johnson, came dressed like the Grim Reaper with a bunch of little fake aborted fetuses hanging off his belt. It was seriously disgusting and I almost started crying.
I was like, “Gary, that is fucking repulsive
.”
And he was like, “I would love to see you out of those wings.”
I was like, “Fuck you.”
Then I walked away. Seriously, what a fucking asshole. I found Andrea and asked her if she had seen Gary’s costume yet and she had basically the same reaction I did. I wished Kyle would have been there with me. It was the first really big party I had helped plan and everything, and after seeing Gary I really just wanted to be with Kyle, have him hug me and everything. But obviously the party was fraternity and sorority only. For a little while I wasn’t really feeling in the party type of mood, so I walked outside on the front lawn and found a spot kind of over by the back fence of the ATO house. As I was walking toward it, I ran into Brett. He didn’t look like he was dressed up or anything. He was just wearing jeans and a T-shirt.
I was like, “Hey, Brett. Did you decide not to dress up?”
He was like, “Hey, no, I’m dressed up. I’m God. He made us in his own image, so he must look just like us, right?”
I was like, “I guess. How’re things going for you now that you’re not a pledge?”
He was like, “Fine.”
I was like, “Yeah, me too. I love being a Kappa. The other Kappas are all so nice and it’s just really cool, you know.”
He was like, “Yeah, how’re you and Kyle holding up through all of this bullshit?”
I was like, “Uh, we’re doing fine. I think he misses me sometimes, but we’re good.”
He was like, “Sweet. Well, I’m off to get to know some of your sisters a little better. Have a good night.”
I was like, “You too.” And then he left to go back into the house. It was kind of weird that he called all the sorority and fraternity stuff bullshit, I thought. Anyway, I guess it really didn’t matter. Talking to Brett kind of made me feel a little better about the party and everything and kind of forget Gary’s terrible costume. I figured as long as I didn’t run into him again, I’d be fine.
So I just kind of hung around the front of the house and I saw Annie. She actually looked pretty cute in this little kind of slutty girl-devil outfit. She was like, “Hey,” and she gave me a big hug. I could tell she was already seriously trashed.
I was like, “How drunk are you right now?”
She was like, “Not drunk enough if I can understand what you’re saying. Have you seen Brian?”
I was like, “Brian Todd? Are you guys dating or something?”
She was like, “No, not dating. But I would seriously love to fuck him tonight.”
I was like, “I thought you guys already fucked.”
She was like, “Yeah, we did a few times, but I’d really like to tonight, too.”
I was like, “Oh. I haven’t seen him.”
She was like, “Okay, I’m gonna go look for him,” then she left and went back into the house. I had seen Brian a few times while we were doing pledge stuff and a few times since at some random parties, but I hadn’t really thought about him until Annie brought up the fact that she wanted to fuck him. I got kind of pissed off. I knew I still had Kyle and everything and I knew Annie had already fucked Brian, but I felt like I had first dibs on him and if I didn’t have a boyfriend he’d be totally into me. Whatever.
So it was probably like fifteen minutes later or something, I was making myself a screwdriver and Brian walked into the kitchen.
He was like, “How have you been?” and he gave me a big hug. He had like really hard arms and everything, like I could totally tell he worked out. Kyle had a good body and everything, but not like that. Kyle didn’t work out or anything.
So I was like, “Pretty good. How have you been?”
He was like, “Pretty good, too. Just trying to make sure I finish this semester without failing any classes or anything, you know.”
I laughed and was like, “Yeah, seriously.”
He was like, “So you still with, um, Kyle, right?”
I was like, “Yeah, but you know we’re kind of in a rough spot. I don’t know how much longer it’s going to last.” I have no idea why I said that, but it just seemed like something I should have said. Even as I was saying it I knew it wasn’t really true, but it could be if I wanted it to be, you know. It was just like, here was this hot guy asking me if I was single basically and even if it was kind of a lie it was still probably the right thing to say. And now, after everything that’s happened, I can see I should have just fucked Brian right then and there and emptied the used condom out on Kyle’s pillow or something.
Anyway, Brian and I talked for like an hour or so about school and everything, and then as people started leaving the party we were like the only ones left in this little side room. We were both pretty drunk and we were sitting next to each other on this couch that kind of smelled like nut sweat and beer. I never liked how frat houses smelled. They all kind of smelled like nut sweat and beer, I guess. Anyway, he was like, “Well, we might not see each other until next semester so I should probably give you this now.”
I was like, “Give me what?”
Then he leaned over and kissed me. This was a full-on make-out kiss and I was too drunk to really stop him and he was a really good kisser so I just kissed him back and we made out for like fifteen minutes or something. His back was so full of these little muscles I couldn’t stop running my hands over it. Oh my God. I was so fucking wet and so fucking drunk. I really wasn’t even thinking about Kyle, to tell you the truth. I was just lost in the moment and seriously fucking horny.
I started to pull up his shirt and reach down his pants. He stopped me and he was like, “For real, you have a boyfriend. We can’t do this.”
I was like, “I told you we’re in a rough spot.”
He was like, “Even if that’s true, I can’t do this while Kyle is your boyfriend.”
I was like, “Why not?”
He was like, “Isn’t Kyle best friends with Brett Keller?”
I was like, “So?”
He was like, “So fucking Brett Keller’s best friend’s girlfriend isn’t a real smart thing to do.”
I was like, “Then why’d you start kissing me?”
He was like, “I don’t know. I’m drunk, I guess. I’d love to fuck you, but for real, I can’t be messing around with Brett Keller’s best friend.”
I was like, “He won’t ever know.”
He was like, “If we fuck, we’re going to want to fuck again and then we’re going to want to do it again and again and eventually either your boyfriend or Brett is going to find out. Especially if we do it at this party. For real, that will suck.”
I was like, “I thought all frat guys were like serial date rapists. Why do I have to make out with the one who won’t fuck a girl who has a boyfriend?”
He laughed. He was like, “It’s not that you have a boyfriend, it’s that you have a boyfriend who is friends with Brett Keller. I wanted to have sex with you when I first met you and your roommate, but I found out you had a boyfriend and I found out he was friends with Brett. That’s the only reason I ended up having sex with her instead.”
I was like, “Seriously?”
He was like, “For real.”
Then we made out for like a few minutes and he left. That night was seriously terrible. After the party I went back to the dorms and didn’t even bother knocking on Kyle’s door. I know it sounds weird, but I was actually kind of pissed off that he fucked up my chance with Brian. I was so mad and horny that I just went in my room and fingered myself thinking about Brian, who was probably out fucking Annie because she never came home that night. After I came I kind of felt bad about being mad at Kyle, so I went up to his room and slept in his bed with him, but we didn’t have sex.
chapter twenty-one
A few months or so before the end of our first semester I came to a stunning realization while at a quad party thrown by two sororities and two fraternities, the names of which are irrelevant. I had just fucked a girl whose full name was Mandolin Jacobs, but she went by Mandy, of course. I should c
larify. When I say I fucked her I mean that I fucked her in the ass for ten minutes as deep and as hard as I could, to ensure I got at least some fecal matter on my dick, and then I throat-fucked her until she could barely breathe before bringing my performance to a close by shooting my load all over her tear-streaked face. The realization came twenty or thirty minutes after the event I just described, when I walked into a bathroom only to find Mandolin “Mandy” Jacobs being throat-fucked by one of my fraternity brothers named Lee Marsdale. He gave me an enthusiastic thumbs-up in between thrusts and I closed the door.
As I meandered back through the party and looked for the next girl I could force into some act of sexual deviance, I became acutely aware of the fact that they were hardly worth the effort. As a girl named Daphne Gerber approached me, tongue-kissed me without provocation, and put her hand down my pants, I came to a greater understanding of my own nature. What I actually enjoyed about the demeaning sexual acts I had forced on various girls up to that point in my life was the fact that they allowed it because of my superficial material status. Once I became a member of this fraternity, however, the girls I demeaned allowed it for no reason other than they were sluts who would invite this type of behavior from any other member of any other fraternity. There was nothing unique about me to the girls whom I forced to eat vegetables that had only moments prior been jammed into their assholes with no lube. Once initiated into this strange social environment, these sluts would allow themselves to be debased by any of their male counterparts. It was simply the way things were.
As the second semester wore on I found myself hanging out with Kyle more and more, secluding myself from the activities of the Alpha Tau Omega house. I would attend only the mandatory functions and even then only for the minimum required amount of time. My lack of interest did not go unnoticed by the other members of the house, but there was little they could do to change this. They understood my membership to be exactly as it was—predetermined and immutable.
