I have to untangle this mess somehow…what would Evan do in this situation to get what he wanted, how would he handle this? Manipulation, that’s what. Then it hits me, I scribble my reciprocation and Dr. Amato reads it aloud. “I’ll have a CT if he does. What do you mean Mia?” he turns to Gabriella and repeats the question “What does she mean?” for the first time he raises his voice marginally and I hear a bit of urgency there as well.
“He, he has a brain tumor Simone, he didn’t want anyone to know. He was furious I found out after his accident.” So they were on a first name basis huh? I’m sensing that their relationship is deeper than I had first assumed. And why is he upset about Evan? He must know him personally too, maybe a family friend? Dr. Amato or Simone, is looking at Gabriella with shock and worry. “Why hasn’t he had it removed.” he says flatly and Gabriella turns her head to look into the fireplace. “Why Gabby?” She continues to look away from him and answers in a pained hushed voice “It’s inoperable.”
Inoperable…the term bounces around my head like a little rubber ball. I hadn’t known that, and he did. He kept it from me. How long has he had it? Why didn’t he tell me? Question after question trip and fall over themselves and I sit staring at these two people that I hardly know who are essentially telling me Evan is going to die because that fucking tumor can’t be removed! I’m up and moving before they realize it, I snatch the clothes off the foot of the bed that I had on earlier and lock myself in the bathroom which is quickly becoming my panic room.
Ripping off my pajamas I pull on my jeans loosening the bandages on my feet as I do and cram my arms into the bulky sweater and over my head, not bothering with panties or bra, I don’t know where the hell Gabriella has put them anyway. Shoes…where are my shoes? Dr. Amato and “Gabby” as he refers to her, are knocking on the door.
The good doctor calmly, Gabriella frantically. When I’m dressed I quickly unlock the door and swing it wide with so much force it yanks me with it. “I need to see him, now.” I croak. They both take a step back out of my way as I barrel through scanning the room for shoes. I spot cute grey rubber boots with white polka dots all over them next to the bedroom door, no idea who they belong to but they look my size so they’re mine for now.
Every step I take across the cold stone floor with my bandaged feet feeds my latest adrenaline rush even more, pain is pushing me forward and not merely the pain from my feet. I tug them on over my jeans with the tiny handles at the top of each boot wincing from the pain. Everything I’ve ever learned in my nursing career is surfacing, a data base full of information is sifting through and pulling out anything pertinent to inoperable brain tumors, treatment centers all over the world, wrong diagnosis, quack doctors who don’t know what they are doing labeling something inoperable, terminal, no hope. I know so much of what happens in the medical field is total bull shit, so I need to find out who’s he’s spoken to, who is on his case and exactly why it’s been labeled inoperable.
Evan is wealthy beyond belief with a far reach all over the world, surely someone can be found who is willing to remove it. “Let’s go.” I say unable to recognize what’s left of my voice God I hope that’s not permanent. Shit, I’m going to end up in a hospital in a foreign country not speaking the language. My advantage of being a nurse means nearly nothing here when I can't communicate, but I have Dr. Amato and Gabriella, that’s going to have to be enough.
I stand wild eyed at the bedroom door looking back at two astounded faces who seem to be frozen while they witness the current level of crazy which I’m experiencing at the moment. I wave my arm toward the door to say let’s go without actually saying it and they simultaneously startle.
They jump into action realizing we are leaving and, I’m sure they’re hoping the destination is the nearest hospital. Well they can have their wish but we are making a pit stop first. I have to see Evan. A tiny tornado of fear and anxiety spins in my tummy but a force a million times stronger is reaching out from my heart, pulling me toward him, the magnetic force drawing me toward him. I need to see my Evan, he has some explaining to do. I just hope I don’t have to encounter the other Evan, the dark Evan, the one that scares the fucking hell out of me.
Chapter 8
“Remedy”
Seether
It’s not a long drive to Evan and Gabriella’s childhood home. We ride in Dr. Amato's very handsome Mercedes, the luxury of the car is lost on me though. I sit in the front, biting my bottom lip, anticipating the next belly dropping dip along this roller coaster ride I’ve been forced onto. My thoughts shift back to the day in the garden with Evan when he made me promise to let him do all the worrying for the both of us.
Ironic now that it seems rolls have been reversed, and actually I feel like I’m worrying for 3 now, the two of his current personalities and myself. Beautiful Italian countryside speeds past as I stare out my window, I see it with my eyes but the scenic picturesqueness doesn’t register with my brain. And then it starts…I have no idea where we are, I’ve never traveled these roads before but out of nowhere that feeling begins inside of me, the thread that ties us together pulling tight the closer in proximity that we become.
A full on buzzing begins in my belly when we pull in the drive way of a rather drab run down cottage, my God this is where it all began. The insane torture of twin children left in the hands of their mentally ill mother by their father who was in severe denial of her condition and his children's abuse. A wave of nausea hits me and I take a painful step from the car, my feet sting but my neck is beginning to really hurt. I remind myself though that injures always feel worse before they improve so I try to ignore it and press on.
Gabriella reaches for my hand with a familiarity that we’ve not shared until now but I see she senses the difficulty of the moment. I mean the guy did just try to kill me earlier today after all. I wonder if she believes as I do that he blacked out when he attacked me. Maybe she thinks this is not far from normal behavior for her brother, he does have that old nickname, The Beast. I don’t care what anyone thinks, I realize as I grab onto her hand anxious and grateful for the comfort of her warm fingers wrapped around mine. The wind whips up blowing Gabriella’s pony tail into my face and we crunch along the gravel path to the front door.
It’s purple…just like his at home. Good God this is a fucked up family, how could he possible want to be reminded of this place? Stepping into the living room I’m instantly warmed by a blast of heat, well at least they have more than a fire place heating this house. A clock ticks loudly on the wall but other than that the house is still and silent until I nearly jump out of my skin when an unexpected furry ball nudges the back of my calf and meows loudly.
“Oh!” I say in my barely there voice, more like a loud sudden whisper now. I’ve truly lost the ability to speak and that concerns me but I stick it on the Shit to worry about later shelf where I’ve been storing quite a few problems lately. “Murray, leave her alone, you scared Mia. She’s our guest now be nice.” Gabriella scolds as I lean over to scratch my new friend on the head, having a veterinarian as a father has made me a natural animal lover. The silky black kitty purrs like a loud motorbike and continues to nudge for more attention. “Sorry Mia, I’ll take him for you, he’ll drive you mad begging for attention now that he knows you like him.” I shake my head no and mouth the words “It’s ok” to her and she lets Murray be.
Dr. Amato moves to take Gabriella’s coat and then mine, hanging them in a closet automatically as if he’s done it a thousand times, maybe he has. I hold up my hands to the two of them palms up shrugging with a little look left to right attempting to say “So…where is he?” “This way.” Gabriella says but pauses and turns to me “You’re sure about this? I can stay with you and so will Simone if you really want to do this.” I nod yes and we continue, her clicking and me clomping in my rubber boots down a short dull hallway to a door on the end.
The house smells of fresh linen and is neat and tidy but an air of doom and gloom hangs in the ai
r, maybe because I know this is a place of deep pain for two people I care about. She reaches into the pocket of her jeans and flashes one more look at me, again I nod yes and she unlocks the door and takes a tentative step inside, without even looking around she points to the opposite wall of the room to another closed door. “In the closet.” She says in a barely audible voice and I’m stunned.
Squinting up my eyes in a face of confusion, more like a face of “What the fuck?” I look at the door and back to her. Then I remember him telling me when he was little his mother would lock both of them in the closet to pray to unknown gods and starve them. Fucking hell I hate this but I’m drawn to the door, nothing can keep us apart, we share two halves of the same heart. No sound comes from behind the door as I place my hand on the dingy brass knob and pause.
Am I ready for this? To see him? Am I prepared to deal with whoever lies behind this door? The answer is a resounding yes and I slowly open the old creaking wooden door. He's there, unmoving, kneeling but sitting back on his haunches, eyes closed and holding the crucifix that always hangs from his neck, just like in the airplane when I thought I was dreaming him. All the physical pain in my body evaporates at the sight of him and emotional pain, soul gripping misery takes its place as my breath huffs out and I turn my eyes to the ceiling…I can’t see this, I don’t want to see this, but for him I have to.
Huge hot tears fill my eyes and I return my gaze to him allowing them to spring forth and stream down my cheeks splattering on the floor. He is stone still, he hasn’t acknowledged the door opening and the light flooding into the tiny closet that his body fills completely. I drop to my knees and reach for him, lightly, cautiously touching his arm. I still fear who it is exactly that I’m dealing with right now but the atmosphere in the room feels like my Evan, the air is charged with pain and sorrow, not evil hatred.
He turns his face to me and opens his glassy eyes, confusion, recognition and shock overcome him. After a few beats of my heart he speaks. “Why are you here? You need to stay away from me Mia…why, why did you come?” he says shaking his head back and forth, a look of despondence twists his beautiful face. I answer as simply as I possibly can with no words, by laying my palm on my heart and then reaching slowly to do the same on his. Message relayed.
His head falls, chin to his chest and the pain twists his face further. I’m sure this is not the dangerous Evan now so I scoot into the closet and wrap my arms around his shoulders, burying my face into his neck I cry, and he cries but makes no attempt to return the embrace. “We can’t be together now Mia, I can’t risk hurting you. Please, please say you’ll go home, I don’t know how we’re going to do it, I can hardly take a breath without you but I can’t risk hurting you again. I don’t remember, I don’t remember, baby I don’t…” I shush him and weave my fingers through his hair pulling it back to look him straight in those ultra-bright green eyes that are so dim and desolate today.
I can’t talk but my eyes speak volumes, he can’t hold back any longer, grabbing me and pulling me into his lap he squeezes me so tight my lungs are wrung of air. I don’t know how long we sat in that closet clinging to each other, trying to solve a seemingly unsolvable problem but I know one thing that is absolutely clear as glass to me now. We need help, and fast.
Chapter 9
“Chasing Cars”
Snow Patrol
“You can’t talk?” he whispers into my neck and while nuzzled into his, I move my head in a tiny nod answering no. His arms tighten around me again and I feel every muscle in his body tense. Holding me, he stands up as if he hadn’t been kneeling for hours and carries me out of the closet into the bedroom. How can he do that? My legs were stiff and numb after squatting in the tub all afternoon. But Evan has had lots of practice at this, a childhood full to be exact. We cross the room to a small full sized bed where he pulls back the duvet with the hand that had been around my back, and I hold tight.
He lays me gently on the bed and kneels once more on the floor next to me to rest his head on my chest. “I’ve not kneeled once since my mother died, not even before God during mass. But since I’ve met you Mia it seems I belong on my knees, I don’t deserve you. I’m a terrible man. I’ve done things that would make you physically ill. Look at you, I nearly killed you today, even if I don’t remember doing it. You’re in danger baby and I can’t stand by and allow this to happen again.”
I take his head in my hands and lift his face to mine giving him my best “Hell No” look but it’s not working. I wiggle and take the tiny note pad from my back pocket while he moves away from me. No pen, damn…I make a writing motion over the paper and he starts to understand what I need. Turning to the tiny bedside table and opening a drawer he passes me a pencil.
I write I came for you, I’m not leaving, ever. I need a test at the hospital, CT scan, sound familiar? I show him the paper. “You do? Mia God are you ok? Why didn’t you let them take you to the hospital? I’ll get Gabby.” As he begins to stand to walk away I catch his sleeve and pull his attention back to me. I write No, I don’t want it. “Well I don’t care, you’re having it, let’s go.” He reaches for me and I scoot away. I write again, preparing myself to use his own manipulation tactics against him. I won’t go unless you go too, and get a million opinions on having that tumor removed. He reaches across the bed and removes the notebook from my hands without reading it, fuck that’s not how this was supposed to go, he needs to read it! He sets it face down on the table and moves to the end of the bed.
I watch pissed but curious as he begins removing my borrowed boots, pausing when he sees the bandages that are protecting my bleeding feet he turns his head away and closes his eyes sighing before placing the boots together neatly on the floor. He returns to me and with a tug easily moves me to the center of the bed and begins removing my jeans. What the hell is he doing? We are both in severe need of medical attention and he’s thinking of sex? I scowl at him but he’s not deterred, a little surprised by my lack of undergarments though I can tell.
When I’m naked he covers me and starts removing his own clothes. As insane as this all is I can’t move, a spell has been cast and neither of us are in control of anything. A bubble of security surrounds us, protecting us from the shit storm of our lives together. His eyes never leave mine as he removes all of his clothes, so full of pain and love it’s hard to know which one is greater.
Sliding between the sheets with ease and grace as I’ve recently learned he does. With every movement he makes he gathers me in his arms my back to his front, tangling his legs with mine. The heat from his body seeps into every pore of my skin and nothing in the universe matters. Evan reaches for my still damp braid of hair that’s fallen between my breasts and slides the rubber band off the end. Working his hand to free my hair from the braid he spreads it out over my shoulder tenderly.
“You’re my angel sent straight from heaven to save me you know.” he says while he pushes closer against my back and purposely breaths me in. “At first I thought a merciful God must be attempting to save my soul with this last ditch effort, pulling out all the stops with you baby. But then I realized the irony of it all, I’m being punished not blessed…for every single horrible thing I’ve done in my life this is how I will pay. I’ve been given the greatest gift any human can be given, a soul mate, an epic pure love…you. But with a sick twisted glitch, this tumor is the very thing that helped bring us together and it will be the thing that separates us, one way or another in the end.
I squirm to get free and communicate with him, but he holds me closer, tighter. “I want to feel you one last time, memorize the way you smell of sweet cotton candy.” He inhales deeply. The way your hair feels sliding through my fingers. The curves of your body.” His hand trails down my arm and snakes over my hip to my belly stopping just below my navel. I’m caught between panic and desire, frozen in his arms I allow his torment to continue. I feel his warm breath at my hairline on the back of my neck and then his kiss. “The sweet taste of your skin on my
lips.”
I shudder as he traces my spine with his tongue to the small of my back and his hand roams up to my breast tracing my nipple my body liquefies beneath him, my head spins as it does when I’m with Evan and I feel faint. But I hold on…I want to enjoy this moment, soak it up because something tells me it will be the last time we are together alone like this for a while. I tuck my chin to my chest causing my hair to cover my face as Evan peppers my entire body with soft warm kisses until he reaches my feet when he rolls me to my back.
“How did this happen?” He says in such a deep voice I hardly recognize it, he’s upset and I can’t answer him. I place my hand over my throat to remind him we can’t talk about this and he bows his head. This isn’t happening, I’m not wasting this precious time we have together watching him suffer with guilt about what can’t be undone. I sit up and take his hands from my feet and pull him over me feeling his thick hard cock pressed against my tummy. A familiar electric jolt brings my battered body back to life.
Straddling me he props up on his elbows and smoothes my hair back off of my face, tucking both sides behind my ears and feathers his thumbs over my forehead, cheeks and finally my eyelids and I feel what he wants. I close my eyes and his lips meet mine. So much love can be relayed through a kiss and I feel it flowing between us now, his masterful tongue caressing mine, kisses inside of kisses he gives me everything, all of him, he is mine and I am his. “Keep your eyes closed.” he whispers pulling away and I mourn the loss of his mouth on mine instantly but I can’t protest with a moan or a whimper so I obey and wait.
Dark Thief (The Two Sides of Me Book 2) Page 5
