‘Poison?’
‘When the stomach cramps began, I took them for indigestion. But they quickly got worse. Then Thora told me what she’d done. I managed to fill a large jug with salt water and drank it down. I did it several times. I was as sick as a dog but it got rid of most of the poison. Thora fled the house.’ He let out a shuddering breath. ‘It was only then that it occurred to me to check on the baby...’
Astrid paled. ‘Oh, no.’
‘Unfortunately the poison had acted faster on him.’
‘Dear gods!’
‘I took my sword and went after Thora. In spite of the pain and sickness, the gods gave me strength and I caught her up. It was in my mind to slay her, but when it came to the point I could not, for it was even more apparent that she was not in her right mind. Besides, I have never used my sword on a woman.’
‘So you divorced her instead.’
He nodded. ‘Her kin took charge of her and sent her to relatives in the north. I have not set eyes on her since. Nor do I ever wish to.’ He glanced down at the small grave. ‘I buried my son and then I left, for good as I thought. However, the Nornir had other plans for me.’
Her throat tightened and tears pricked her eyelids. ‘Leif, I’m so sorry.’
‘Why should you be?’
‘For making arrogant assumptions and for jumping to conclusions,’ she replied.
For the space of several heartbeats he was silent. Then he sighed. ‘You only had part of the story.’
‘I wish you had told me. Although I understand why you did not.’
‘It was not a subject I wanted to discuss ever again. My only thought was to take up a new life and leave the past behind me.’ He smiled mirthlessly. ‘I should have known better.’
‘I think we can never leave the past behind; all we can do is come to terms with it.’
‘Perhaps. That remains to be seen.’ He surveyed her steadily. ‘In the meantime, there’s something else we need to get straight.’
The intensity of that look made her feel distinctly uncomfortable. ‘Something else?’
‘You made some other remarks that I didn’t much care for.’
‘What remarks?’
‘The ones about emotional manipulation.’
Warmth swept from her neck into her face. ‘Are you telling me I was wrong?’
‘Yes, I am telling you that.’
‘Yet until recently all your talk was of revenge.’
‘My revenge is concerned with men and swords,’ he replied.
‘You were going to rape me, Leif, or had you forgotten?’
A muscle jumped in his cheek. ‘I haven’t forgotten, or ceased to be ashamed of it. I let anger cloud judgement and it shouldn’t have happened.’
‘You also spoke of a different kind of possession: body and soul, I believe you said.’
‘So I did. I still want that, but I also want them to be freely given.’
Astrid’s gaze searched his face but what she found there looked like sincerity. Confusion mingled with guilt and self-doubt. Was it possible to have got things so badly wrong? How was she to reconcile this with what had gone before?
‘I want to believe you.’
‘And I wanted to believe you, to believe in you. It’s why I gave you the benefit of the doubt.’ He paused. ‘Will you do as much for me?’
She felt her throat tighten. ‘If I trust you, am I going to regret it?’
‘There will be plenty of time for you to find out, won’t there?’
The implications of that were disturbing on several levels, not least because the thought of a future spent in an atmosphere of doubt and suspicion filled her with dread. If they were to have any hope of emerging from this mess it would only be on the basis of trust.
‘Yes, I suppose there will, always assuming that your enemies don’t kill you.’
‘I’m not easy to kill. In the meantime, you and I need to come to a better understanding.’
‘A truce, then?’
‘Something like that.’ His gaze held hers. ‘We can start by dismissing the charge of emotional manipulation. I won’t touch you again until you ask me to.’
Whatever else she might have expected, it wasn’t that. Along with surprise was a host of other feelings that weren’t so easy to decipher.
‘What if I never ask you to?’
‘That would mean I was wrong about last night,’ he replied. ‘But I don’t think I was wrong. I think you want me every bit as much as I want you. The only difference between us is that you haven’t admitted it yet.’
Much to her annoyance she could feel her face turning pink again, not least because she knew he was right. All the same, saying it was harder than knowing it, and physical desire was only part of the truth, at least so far as she was concerned. If he ever guessed the rest, if he ever discovered how deeply her feelings were involved, his hold on her would be complete.
‘Desire burns out eventually,’ she replied. ‘Any meaningful relationship requires more than that.’
‘Clearly our understanding of meaningful differs. As far as I’m concerned this relationship has already achieved that status. Otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation.’
‘I see.’
‘I told you at the outset what to expect from me. It still holds good, but do not entertain hopes of any more than that.’
‘You will not make false promises. I remember.’
‘It is well. It was never my intention to deceive you in that way.’
Suddenly doubt evaporated and she had no trouble believing him at all. Their relationship was as meaningful as it was ever going to get for him.
‘I understand that now,’ she replied.
‘I’m glad to hear it.’
For a short space they lapsed into silence. Unable to follow his thoughts and uncomfortable with her own, she wanted only to be gone now.
‘Was there anything else, my lord?’
‘No, nothing else.’
She nodded and turned away. Leif remained where he was, though she could feel his gaze following her down the path. Tears pricked her eyelids. Just then she didn’t know who they were for: herself, a deranged mother, a murdered boy or the father whose heart was in the grave with him.
* * *
For the next two days, Leif was away from the steading for the majority of the time and when he returned he spent the evenings with his men and with Aron. By the time he came to bed Astrid had already retired. She stirred a little as he climbed in with her but didn’t wake. He watched her for a while, then sighed and doused the light. For some time he lay awake in the darkness, every part of him aware of her, aware of her nearness and her warmth. That last astonishing lovemaking session was etched on his memory and the temptation to renege on his promise was strong. With an effort he resisted it. The next time he took her it would be at her invitation. A few days’ space would do them no harm. If he was right she would soon be feeling the lack as much as he.
However, three more days came and went without any invitation forthcoming. Astrid was courteous and did his bidding without argument but she gave no sign of wanting further intimacy. When a week had gone by he began to experience doubt. What if I never ask you? The words returned to mock him. Was this another form of revenge? If so, he had to admit it was powerful, more so than he could have anticipated.
Frustration found an outlet in hard physical exercise; in riding and in practice bouts with his men. At the end of it he was sweating, filthy and aching so he stripped off the rest of his clothing and plunged into the fjord in the hope that the water would cool his blood. He swam for a while and then climbed out on to a flat rock to dry off. Then his mind went back to the island and the day he’d watched Astrid getting dressed after bathing and he suppressed a groan. Lately she was all he could think about. Somewhere along the line desire had undergone a transformation to become a great aching need. Moreover, he didn’t know what he was going to do about it.
* * *
> Astrid sat down to help Ingrid prepare vegetables for the pot. For the most part they worked in silence, methodically slicing and chopping, working their way through the pile in front of them. From time to time the older woman threw a sideways glance at her companion but Astrid was too deep in thought to notice. She had been too caught up in events to notice the absence of her moon blood at first, but when that was combined with other changes its significance had eventually impinged on her consciousness. The realisation left her feeling stunned, uncertain whether to laugh or cry. Eventually she had done both.
For some days her mood had swung between elation and sorrow: the first because she was carrying Leif’s child and the second because she dreaded his reaction. Coming so soon after the revelation about his past, she could not suppose he would receive the news with gladness. Furthermore, a man’s interest in his mistress was confined to the pleasure she could give him in bed. It did not extend to her pregnancy, not usually anyway. Sometimes men did acknowledge their bastard offspring and provide for them, but without a husband a woman was vulnerable. I told you at the outset what you could expect from me. That had never included the possibility of marriage. At the same time, he had a right to know about the child, and she would need to tell him before its existence became obvious. She wanted to speak to him alone, away from the hall and the possibility of being overheard.
When she had finished the vegetables she went outside and looked around for Leif. A quiet word with Aron elicited the information that the jarl had gone off in the direction of the fjord. Accordingly she directed her steps that way. On first glance the place seemed to be deserted but a closer look revealed a figure sitting atop a large flat rock. He was naked, a pile of clothing beside him. She wondered if he were asleep and was unwilling to wake him so she sat down to wait on the turfy slope above.
She had been there about ten minutes before there was any sign of movement. Then he got to his feet. Her breath caught in her throat. His body was magnificent: broad across the shoulders, narrow in the waist and flanks, and long in the legs. There wasn’t an ounce of fat in evidence, only hard muscle. She saw him reach for his breeks and pull them on, followed by the shirt, tunic and belt. Finally he retrieved his socks and slid his feet into leather boots. Then he turned to make his way back up the path. It was only at that point he noticed Astrid for the first time. He checked in mid-stride, clearly surprised to see her there, but he recovered soon enough and came on. Astrid took a deep breath and rose to her feet, waiting for him to join her.
‘This is a surprise,’ he said. ‘How long have you been here?’
She smiled. ‘Oh, a little while.’
He raised one eyebrow. ‘How little a while exactly?’
‘Long enough to admire the view. The scenery hereabouts is really quite compelling.’
The blue-grey eyes glinted. ‘Is it indeed?’
‘Oh, yes.’ She returned an innocent look. ‘I think it’s the combination of rocks and trees and water.’
He grinned. ‘But you did not come here just to admire the landscape.’
‘No, I was hoping to find you.’
‘This is encouraging. I was beginning to think my company had palled on you.’
‘What?’ She stared at him blankly. ‘Why should you think that?’
‘Never mind. What was it you wanted to see me about?’
Astrid took a deep breath and told him. For several seconds he was quite still, his face unreadable. Her heart thumped in her breast as fear and hope wrestled for supremacy.
‘Well,’ he replied, ‘I suppose that was bound to happen eventually.’
‘You knew it would. How could it not?’
He clearly assumed the question was rhetorical, because he made no answer. Instead he looked at the front of her gown but as yet there was no sign of the new life in her belly.
‘You are sure about this?’
‘Quite sure.’
‘When will the child be born?’
‘Next spring.’
‘I see.’ He paused. ‘You’re not so far along yet.’
‘No. Why?’
‘If the thought of bearing the child displeases you there are ways of preventing it. There are wise women who can provide certain potions.’
Astrid recoiled as though he had struck her. ‘What?’
‘I only meant...’
‘I know what you meant, Leif, and the answer is no. This child may be an inconvenience to you but it will come to no harm at my hand.’
‘I am not talking about inconvenience.’
‘Aren’t you?’
‘Childbirth does things to a woman, Astrid. It twists her mind until she becomes a total stranger even to those who knew her best.’
Just for a moment the mask slipped and she glimpsed the pain in his eyes. Recognising its source, she let go of her anger and sought for the words she needed.
‘What happened to Thora was terrible, and so was what she did, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again. Her case was unusual and tragic. Most women give birth and rejoice in their babies.’
‘It may be so. I wouldn’t know.’
‘But you will know eventually, if...’
‘If what?’
‘If you still wish me to stay.’
He frowned. ‘Of course I still wish it. This makes no difference to that.’
‘It is going to make a great deal of difference, Leif. I want our child to know its father.’
‘I will acknowledge it.’
The words afforded her considerable relief, but one matter was still unresolved. Her gaze held his. ‘I would not have our child born into bastardy, Leif. Will you make me your wife and give us both an honourable place in the world, in your life?’
‘Do you really think that it is marriage which makes a relationship honourable?’
‘Past experience does not have to dictate the future. I would like to prove that.’
‘There is nothing you can teach me about marriage,’ he said, ‘and they are fools who do not learn from past mistakes. I shall not repeat mine.’
Her heart sank. ‘You don’t have to decide now. All I ask is that you should consider what I have said.’
‘I told you how it would be, Astrid, and that is how it will remain. So far as the rest of the world is concerned you’re my woman and I will acknowledge the child as mine. Let that content you.’
‘How can it? I have more than just myself to think of now, and the child should not have to suffer for something it didn’t do.’
‘The child will not suffer.’
‘That’s nonsense, Leif, and you know it. The stigma will remain for its entire life.’
‘A man makes his own fame. That is what lives after him, not the details of his birth.’
‘It might be a girl. What then? What will be her fame?’
‘A good dowry,’ he replied.
‘I had not thought you so cynical.’
‘It’s not cynicism. I know how the world works.’
‘Oh? I think you don’t know much at all, at least not about what really matters.’
She turned away from him and hurried off towards the steading.
* * *
Leif watched her go and swore softly, his mind in turmoil. In spite of his earlier assertion, the news had taken him by surprise. It re-awoke a raft of painful memories and with them fear. One part of his mind knew that what she had said was true: what happened before was not typical. Just for a moment he had a mental image of a beautiful healthy child smiling up at him from the cradle. It was replaced by another image, this time a limp and lifeless form with blue-tinged lips that resisted all his efforts to awaken or revive it. A familiar spasm of pain cramped his stomach and he closed his eyes, waiting for it to pass.
He told himself those things were in the past; what had happened then was unlikely to happen this time. But what if it did? He couldn’t discount the possibility. What if Astrid became estranged from him? What if she too began to look at him wit
h hatred? What if she too avoided his touch and his bed? She had denied him her body for the past week. Perhaps this was the start of it. His stomach cramped again and he retched.
When his stomach was empty he lay down on the grass until the pain went away. By that time he felt calmer, better able to think. It was early days yet; too soon to hope or to fear. What would be would be. In the meantime, he had other matters to deal with, things that would keep him occupied and hold the darkness at bay.
Chapter Twenty
The interview with Leif left Astrid with a strong desire to weep but she refused to give in to it. Tears wouldn’t change anything and they wouldn’t help either. Her bid to regularise their relationship might have failed dismally but it could have been worse. At least he hadn’t cast her off and refused to acknowledge the child. All the same, he hadn’t been able to conceal his true feelings either. The suggestion that she might abort the foetus had come as a real shock. The very thought was abhorrent. If it had been made in a callous attempt to rid himself of a problem she could never have forgiven him, but that had not been his intention. What lay behind the words was fear. Until that moment she hadn’t understood how badly the past had scarred him.
In the light of that her request was foolish. Of course he wasn’t going to marry her. His fear ran too deep for that; too deep to see anything other than a repeat of former disaster. While he intended to keep her with him, it would be on his terms. She sighed. He’d told her that from the start. It had been naïve to think she could sway him, that anything had changed. While she had his protection that was all very well, but what if she lost it? What if, in the forthcoming confrontation with his enemies, he were killed? For all sorts of reasons it didn’t bear thinking about.
She had no idea how to deal with the situation. Tears and pleas wouldn’t serve. Anger and coldness would only alienate him and make the situation worse. Having been so cruelly rejected by the person he’d loved most, Leif had armoured his heart against further injury. Somehow he had to be persuaded to trust again, to love again. Yet love could not be commanded, nor would it grow in a climate of coldness and recrimination. To receive love one had to give love, at least that was the theory. Failing that, she was going to need enough for the two of them.
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