The factory job had lasted until Addie was nine months old. Then six months, and as many part time jobs later, they were forced to sell the truck. They had heard from a friend from Riverbend that Odell Haynes had finally gotten himself killed. And Della wanted to return to see her mother and sisters. But when they had finally come back, Maude Haynes and her girls were nowhere to be found.
Ben heard the Plymouth come into the driveway as he was scraping scrambled eggs and melted cheese onto his plate from the skillet. Surely, Addie would be with Della, he hoped, as he buttered two pieces of toast.
But Della came in alone. “Where’s Addie?” he asked, as he ate.
“I don’t know. I hoped she’d be back by now,” Della answered in a disturbed manner.
“Didn’t she call to let you know where she was during the storm?”
“No. Although, she might have tried to. I slept awfully hard for about an hour and a half. I didn’t know it had stormed,” she admitted as she pulled out the chair across from her husband and sank wearily into it. “She left a note saying ...”
“I know she left a note,” he said curtly. “I read it. You don’t even know if she’s all right,” he accused.
“Ben, let’s don’t start again. I can’t understand your attitude about this. I’ve been to the church to see Brother Morris.”
“And you told him all about Addie,” he stated, not looking at Della.
“Of course I did. That’s why I went. Addie does need help, and we certainly aren’t qualified to help her.”
“Especially not me,” Ben said, as he downed his last bit of coffee.
“Ben! Stop it!” Della demanded. “There’s something else we have to talk about. I think he’s here! He’s in this town!”
Neither of them heard Addie as she came in the front door and went quietly to her room and closed the door.
“He who?” Ben demanded irritably.
“The man who made me pregnant. Brother Morris saw a man who looked just like Addie. He was watching her as she used the phone at the shopping center. Brother Morris thought he was a relative of ours visiting us.”
“The shopping center!” Ben exclaimed. “What was she doing at the shopping center?” He demanded. “Since when do you allow her to go that far on that bike? She’s got no business ...”
“Ben! You’re not listening to me!” Della pleaded.
“I heard you! You said the guy who raped you was here in town. What’s he doing here?”
All Della heard was the word rape. She had never used that word, or even thought that word, in connection with her pregnancy. Rape was an ugly word. There had not been anything ugly about it. Addie was not the product of something as ugly as rape. True, she seemed to have been hypnotized, for she didn’t remember the actual physical act, but rape? No! She could not think of it as rape. She wouldn’t think of it as rape.
“You didn’t answer me!” Ben demanded. “Do you know why he’s here – the guy who raped you?”
“It wasn’t rape!” Della yelled back at him.
Ben got up from the table with such a start that his chair fell backwards. “What do you mean it wasn’t rape? You told me ...”
“I did not! I have never said that word! You never asked me about it, and I never told you!” Della yelled as she stood up.
“You said it wasn’t Odell, that you didn’t know who he was! Did you go off in the woods with just any man who happened to walk down that lane? Why didn’t you let me know? I’d have been ...”
“Ohh!” Della screamed as she burst into tears. She fled to the bedroom, slammed the door and locked it behind her.
Moments later, Ben flew out the back door slamming it so hard the glass in the top broke.
Addie heard it crash to the floor as she sat on the side of her bed. Then the truck door slammed shut and tires screeched, and gravel peppered the side of the house as Ben drove off.
She felt so guilty, so helpless, and frightened. Never had her parents acted like this before, and it was all her fault. She was destroying the two people she loved more than anything, more than life itself. Their very world had come crashing down all because of her, and she didn’t know anything she could do about it. She buried her face in her hands and cried quietly.
Maybe, she thought, if she could just remember what it was that was there – always eluding her - then maybe the little girl would go away and leave her alone. If she could be just herself. Would that ever be? Would she ever be free of her? Was it possible that she could take over her memory, her mind until there was no more Addie Martin, just the little girl? Strange, but the thought didn’t even frighten her. She was so distressed, she didn’t really care anymore.
She blew her nose and wiped her eyes. She’d go to the kitchen and clean up the glass. That was the least she could do, but she reached into her pocket and withdrew the photograph, which was getting a little rumpled, and she sat there staring at the little girl. “Why couldn’t you leave things the way they were?” she muttered.
A short while later Della found her there. “Addie! Honey, I didn’t know you were home. How long have you been here?” she asked anxiously as she sat down beside her daughter and put her arms around her, hugging her to herself.
Before Addie could answer, Della saw the picture. She gasped. “Where did you get this?” she asked as she took it from Addie’s hand.
“On the kitchen floor this morning. Do you know who they are?” Then she watched in amazement as her mother took a tube of red lipstick from the dresser, removed the top and began to color the man’s hair. Della gasped again as she viewed the finished work.
Addie took the picture back and stared at it. “It’s him! Isn’t it? The man who made you pregnant with me?”
“Oh, Addie! You heard!” Della moaned.
“I already knew that daddy – that you were pregnant when you and daddy got married, and daddy is not my daddy. I heard you last night. These walls are very thin.”
“Oh, Addie, baby! I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have you know that for anything. Oh, honey!” Della said in anguish, hugging her daughter.
“It’s all right, Mama. It doesn’t matter who made you pregnant. Ben is my daddy.”
“Oh, my darling,” Della said with relief. “Thank you for that. Thank you for being mature beyond your years.”
Addie kissed her mother, then got up and stood before her dresser mirror. She looked at the man in the photograph, then at herself, and back at the man several times. That was why he looked so familiar. They looked so much alike. That was what Donnie saw. But this was a very old picture. She was puzzled as she turned back to her mother who was sitting quietly, waiting, on the bed.
“Mama, how old was he?”
“I don’t know. I’d never seen him before in my life, but I’d say no more than in his thirties, but I’m not a good judge of a person’s age.”
“Then, this isn’t him. This man couldn’t have been my father! This picture was taken at least fifty years ago. See how yellowed it is, and look how they are dressed.” She held the picture for Della to look at it. “It must have been this man’s son. See, she’s pregnant. Their child had to have been a boy. He had to have been the man who made you pregnant.”
Della, studying the photograph, said, “Yes, I’m sure you’re right, honey. It was just so startling to see the picture, I didn’t think about that. It’s hard to believe that any two people could look so much alike, and that you can look so much like this man.” Della looked up, studying her daughter’s face. “Even your eyes,” she added. “But, of course, I saw him only that one time.” Then Della became concerned. “Addie, did you see anybody that looked like this man at the shopping center?”
“Why, no, Mama, I didn’t, but I heard you telling daddy what Brother Morris said.”
“Then you also heard me telling him that I wasn’t raped?”
“Yes, Mama.”
Della looked at Addie a moment. “Honey, sit down, please.” She motioned for her to join her
on the bed. “I’d better tell you how it happened before you get the same opinion of me that Ben seems to have right now.”
“Oh, Mama,” Addie said, as she took her seat beside her mother, “surely, daddy was just upset.”
“I hope so. Still, he shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know what has gotten into him. I think it’s because he feels so helpless to do anything for you, and he just won’t believe that something like this has happened to his little girl,” Della said as she ran her hand through Addie’s silken hair. “And, Addie, no father could love their daughter more than Ben loves you. I hope you know that.”
“I do, Mama.”
“I’m sorry you heard us yelling at each other. We have done very little of that, and you know it. Just be patient with us. We’ll work it out. I’m going to try to be more patient with him. I promise. But anyhow, I need to explain to you what happened that day. I – I wouldn’t want you to ever think that you were the result of some violent act of rape. Now, I’m not saying that I willingly – well, it’s hard to explain because it seemed to be as unnatural as what’s been happening to you.” Della paused.
Addie waited. It seemed to her that her mother was reluctant to share something that had been locked away inside her for so long, even though she thought she should. And this increased Addie’s sense of guilt.
“You see,” Della said softly, “I was alone, walking home from school down the wooded lane between our house and the road when he was just suddenly there. Where he came from, I don’t know. He had a very kind face just like the one in that picture, and beautiful red hair,” she said, ruffling Addie’s hair and smiling. His eyes were green like yours, only different. His were kind of strange. They sort of penetrated my very being. I couldn’t do anything but look into them. I think really, that I was sort of hypnotized. For later, all I could remember was him holding his hands out to me and saying, ‘Come, you’re not going to be afraid’ – this has to be’.
“And I could remember him taking me by the hand and leading me off into the woods. His laying me down on a soft grassy place, but that is about all I had any knowledge of, until I seemed to wake up feeling – well, it was a very pleasant feeling, one that you will know yourself one day. And, Addie, I truly didn’t know what had happened to me until my mother suspected that I was pregnant.” Della paused, waiting for some reply from her daughter.
“It does sound strange,” Addie finally said. “And you never saw him again?”
“No, my darling, but he looked exactly like this man,” she said looking at the picture. “In fact, his clothes were very similar to these, the best I recall. I suppose Ben must have found this picture at that house yesterday.”
“That’s what I thought. And, Mama, I’m glad you told me,” she added hugging her mother.
“I’m sorry I had to, but really, I feel sort of free. It’s not a secret I have to keep anymore. And I do love you so much.”
Looking into Addie’s green eyes, she said, “I’ve made an appointment with Brother Morris. We’re going to see him as soon as school is out on Monday. He’s going to help us, or find help for you. We’re going to get rid of this other person in you, so you can just be our Addie, no one else.”
Addie smiled at her mother, but she didn’t believe that Brother Morris, or anyone else, could rid her of the little girl, but she would not say anything to discourage her mother. Instead, she said, “Mama, I know who the other person is.”
Surprise, almost shock, flooded Della’s face, as Addie quickly said, “It’s the little girl in this picture.”
“How – how, did you come to know that?” Della demanded. She wasn’t sure she liked knowing exactly who the presence was inside her daughter. It made it seem so much more real, so undeniable.
Addie told her mother all that had happened to her that morning, except the words of friendship which Donnie had spoken to her. These were hers, and hers alone – a special treasure to be hidden away in her heart. “And I must find out who these people are, or were,” she said.
“Honey, if it’s important to you to know who these people are or were, I’m sure Brother Morris can help us. He’ll find someone who knew them or who knows them. And, Addie, I don’t want to frighten you, but I’m concerned about the man Brother Morris saw. If you see him – if he comes anywhere near you, I want you to get away from him as fast as possible. Will you do that? Will you be careful about being alone anywhere? And, Addie, don’t ever go that far on your bike again. And tell me where you’re going the next time.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Addie said. Then, “Mama, why are you so afraid of him?”
Running her hand up and down Addie’s back, she answered, “Honey, there’s something else I didn’t tell you. It’s something I’ve barely admitted to myself, something I don’t understand to this day.”
Addie waited while her mother looked off into space for a few moments.
“It’s like I told you. I think I was hypnotized. I told you exactly what he said to me, but, well, Addie, when he spoke to me, his lips didn’t move. He was simply smiling at me, but I heard the words inside me – in my mind.”
This took a few moments to sink in, then, “Goodness, Mama! What kind of a man was he?”
“I don’t know, honey. That’s something I’ve wondered all these years.”
Chapter Thirteen
Together, Della and Addie cleaned up the broken glass from the kitchen door, cleared the frame of the rest of the fragments and the hardened putty. They measured the frame and drove to the hardware store to have another piece of glass cut.
Addie insisted on using the rest of her Christmas money to pay for the glass, putty, and a putty knife. Della sensed that it was important to her to pay the bill. She didn’t understand, but she allowed her to do it.
They replaced the windowpane and cleaned up the mess they had made. Then Addie caught up the laundry while Della busied herself in the kitchen making a pot of stew for Sunday dinner, and preparing Ben’s favorite supper: breaded pork chops, green beans from their freezer, and the last package of white corn to fry. She topped it off with a ready to bake apple pie, which she had been saving.
Supper time came, but Ben didn’t. They watched TV together in silence until seven o’clock. Then Della said, “I’m going to heat up the food, and we’re going to eat. There’s no point in waiting any longer. The furniture store has been closed for two hours, and he hasn’t so much as called.”
They ate and cleaned up the kitchen with very little conversation. Each seemed to be deep in their own thoughts, as Ben failed to show up or call.
“Do you want to watch TV some more?” Della asked.
“I need to do some studying, if it’s okay.”
“Sure, honey. I’ll study my Sunday School lesson and read some,” Della answered.
In her room, Addie stood by the window looking into the darkness at nothing in particular. The Elkins security light had come on casting shadows about the back yard. The wind rippled a pool of water in the Elkins yard making it appear dark and sinister. Addie shuddered. Suddenly, she was looking through a railing at vast, dark, churning waters eerily lighted by the moon and some light that cast shadows from behind. There was noise – music and voices, laughter and tinkling glass. She sensed a slightly swaying motion. A large, gloved hand held her left hand as her right one held tight to an iron railing. The air was sharp and damp. She looked up into the face of a man, the man in the picture. She was going on a long trip to see her grandmother, because grandmother was ill, and could not come to see them again. And they were never going back home again, and this made her sad.
The ringing of the phone startled Addie back to the present. The scene disappeared, and she was sorry it had. She wanted to know more.
She rushed to the kitchen to grab the phone off the wall, hoping it was her daddy. She reached it just seconds before her mother, and too many seconds after the last ring. She knew before she picked it up that she would hear the dial tone.
Della looked so forlorn. Addie put her arms around her, “Don’t worry, Mama, he’ll come home.”
“Of course he will. We just have to wait ‘til he gets things thought out – and comes to his senses,” she added irritably, yet hoping she sounded convincing for Addie’s peace of mind.
“I think I’ll shower and turn in,” Addie said realizing just how much she needed sleep, and hoping she was going to be able to.
But once in bed, she lay there a long time listening for the sound of her daddy’s old truck. She was sure her mother was doing the same thing. Once she was thought she heard it go by slowly, but it didn’t turn into the driveway, and then she slept.
Morning came, but the truck was not in its place outside the screened in back porch. Della was still sleeping. Addie figured she must have lain awake most of the night, waiting, listening. She needed to sleep, Addie thought as she dressed for church, so she would let her. She ate a bowl of cereal, banana and milk, then brushed her teeth and wrote her mother a note and left it on the kitchen table.
As she rode her bike toward Community Church, she was hoping that her daddy would be at home when she returned, and that they were through yelling at each other, and arguing. It was so unlike them, and she knew she was at fault.
She thought of the scene she had witnessed at the Log House Restaurant, and of the little girl. And for the first time, Addie realized what a precarious position she was in with the little girl. She had no control over her. The girl could take over her mind anytime she pleased, and it made her feel very insecure. She wondered at the advisability of even being away from home – alone, of going to church or school, and she spoke to the person who shared her mind and her memory. “Am I going to have to be afraid of you? Afraid of what you’ll do to me, and when you’ll do it?”
It had been a long time since she had been to church on her bike, and she misjudged the time it took. Sunday School was just beginning when she walked into the young people’s department assembly room. Evelyn Ann was holding court. She had the heads of the girls on both sides of her, and three in the row in front of her, all grouped together, as she whispered something that had all of them giggling.
The Daughters of Julian Dane Page 13
