by Lizzie James
I stared at her in silence for a moment and slowly lifted my hand, resting my palm against her face. I stroked my thumb along her cheekbone, loving the feel of her silky skin against my fingers. “I hurt you, didn’t I?” I asked. I hated it when a tear escaped, watching as it trailed down her face. “I’m sorry,” I apologised. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I asked.
“Because I knew you never felt it. I knew that out of all the girls that you had been with, not once had you ever looked at me like that. I had only ever been just Lauren to you and after a while, that was enough for me.”
“I wish you had told me.” I understand why she didn’t, but it still bothered me. “Can we make a deal? From now on, we are more honest with each other. No secrets and no lies.”
“I can agree to that.” She smiled up at me.
My eyes trailed down to her lips before I slowly lowered my head.
“Thomas,” she whispered, placing her hand on my chest, stopping me. “I can’t. I want to,” she quickly continued, “but I just can’t.”
“Why?” I asked. Was she changing her mind about this?
“I need to tell Christopher first.” She frowned and I knew her thoughts were with the man she had spent the night with. “I’m not a cheater, Thomas, and if I let you kiss me now, that’s what I’d be doing. He deserves better than that.”
I nodded. I felt bad for Christopher, but not bad enough that I was going to give up my chance with Lauren for him.
“Give me today,” she whispered. “I want one more day with him before I tell him.”
I nodded my head before I leaned closer and pressed my lips to her cheek. I leaned back and slid my arm beneath her small body, cuddling her close against me.
“I can give you today.” I rested my head on top of hers. “You’ve waited long enough for me. I can wait for you.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“Do you think he’s going to be okay?” I asked. He may have been my friend, but I didn’t know how serious things had gotten between them. He was a good guy, but if he felt anything like I had started to feel for her, I couldn’t see it going too well.
“I don’t know,” she whispered.
“Walk to work with me,” I whispered. “I know he is off today, but you could ask Christopher to meet you there,” I suggested.
“Okay.” She nodded her head before resting her head on my chest as I rolled over onto my back a little. “Can we lay here for a little longer, though? Just you and me?”
“Of course we can.” I kissed the top of her head and rubbed my hand up and down her back, hoping to give her some comfort. “That’s how it’ll be from now on.” I kissed the top of her head and rested my head back against the pillow. “Just you, me and hopefully, our first of many Christmases together as a couple.”
11
Lauren
“So, why are we walking this way?” I asked. We were walking to the bar through the back streets. The snow had begun gently falling, leaving a faint dusting on the top of the parked cars in the street.
“So that I can do this.” He reached down and took my hand as he pulled me closer to him, minimising the gap in between us. He smiled down at me, moving his eyes down to my lips.
“Thomas,” I whispered. I tried to pull my hand free from his, but he tightened his grip on my fingers, stopping me.
“No. We held hands all the time before you and him.” He frowned down at me and I knew that the ‘no kissing’ thing was aggravating him. “I don’t see why that has to change.”
“You know why.” I swung our hands gently from side to side. “Last night changed things for us.” I gazed up at him, watching the way that he stared ahead. “Didn’t it?”
“Yes. Of course it did. I was serious when I said that my feelings for you had changed. It’s just…” He laughed loudly, pulling us to a stop. “When did we change so much that I am now the jealous one out of the two of us.”
I laughed at him, noticing the pout on his face.
“But I guess that used to be you, didn’t it?” He stared down at me rubbing his thumbs across my knuckles. “You hid it really well.”
“I wasn’t ready,” I whispered. “You weren’t ready. We weren’t ready.”
He nodded at my words before we began walking again. “Are you nervous for today?” he asked.
“Very. I don’t know how he’s going to take it.” I made a face that was followed by Thomas’s chuckle.
“If he makes you cry…”
“Don’t,” I admonished. “It’s us that are causing this. If Christopher is upset over this, then that’s on us. It’s not his fault. Okay?” I was firm in my tone. I really didn’t need any more drama over this.
I was happy Thomas was here with me holding my hand and waiting for more with me at his side, but I was also sad that just because my feelings were finally being recognised and hopefully returned, it meant that we may hurt someone that we both called a friend. He had always been more Thomas’s friend than mine before we started dating, but I couldn’t see that staying the same now.
By being with each other, we were basically putting ourselves before Christopher. I didn’t feel great about that, but I also couldn’t stay with the wrong man.
We crossed the street and headed across the street, making our way further down to where Dominic’s bar sat on the corner.
When we were a few feet from the door, Thomas tightened his grasp on my hand and lifted our joined hands up to his lips. He pressed soft kisses there before he let my hand go. “Do you want me to finish early?” he asked as he held the door open for me.
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m out with Christopher all day so…” It was so hard to act like I was dating Christopher when the one that I wanted to be spending the day with was Thomas who was now acting clueless.
“There she is.” Christopher came from the direction of the storeroom. He walked straight up to us, not stopping until he was bending down and pressing his lips to mine.
I froze at the action as I felt Thomas lay his hand on the bottom of my back over my coat. I could feel the tension coming off him in waves. I stared over his shoulder and saw Luke standing there with a look of surprise on his face. I wasn’t sure if it was because he knew something or because the three of us were all standing together.
“Are you going to clock in today or what?” Luke asked Thomas. He was grinning and I knew he was teasing to attempt to lighten the mood.
“Sure.” He moved away from me, and I knew that he was trying hard to remain his aloof self. “See you later, Lauren.” His tone sounded so low, and I hated the feeling of rejection that travelled up my spine.
I knew that it wasn’t rejection and that he was just playing along with my act but I still felt it.
“So, this is unexpected. What do you have planned for us today?” Christopher appeared so open and honest as he gazed down at me that it killed me to lie to his face.
I looked past him, watching Thomas as he went behind the bar. He turned his back to us and began whispering to Luke. A moment later, Luke’s eyes shot over to me with shock.
“Uh…” I looked back to Christopher who was now frowning down at me. “I thought we could maybe go to a book shop and see what new releases are there. Some lunch. Maybe we can take a walk through Leicester Square and check out some of the shops.”
“Just me and you?” He stared down at me, waiting for my response.
“Just me and you.” I smiled up at him. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah. Just let me get my coat and we can go.” He walked away and grabbed it off the bar, shrugging it on and coming back to me. “See you later, boys.” He waved over his shoulder at them before he placed his hand on my back and steered me towards the door.
It had been a great day so far. We had spent over an hour picking books out at the Waterstone’s store near Piccadilly, and after a bit of lunch at one of the Angus Steak House restaurants, we were now walking through Leicester Square hand in hand.
It was evening now, and as I looked around, I could see that Christmas was in the air and decorations were up in every restaurant and shop window. It may have been my favourite time of year, but I felt like I was walking to my death.
As we passed a ticket booth for the West End shows, I was so busy looking at the floor that I didn’t even notice the concerned way that he was watching me. Before I could shrug off my worries, he stopped and turned to me.
“Lauren. What is it?” He sighed, lifting his hand and tucked a curl behind my ear. “You’ve been away with the fairies most of the day. Have I done something?” He seemed so worried for me and it made me hate myself more than I already did.
I looked around, hating that we were around so many people for this conversation. I had wanted to do it privately but now that he was here—now that he had asked—I just wanted it over with.
“Can we sit down?” I asked. I gestured to one of the benches that littered the square.
“Sure.” He led me over to the bench at the bottom of the square near one of the hotels, pulling me down next to him. He turned his body to face me, resting his knee against mine. “Now, what is it? What has you so worried?”
I blew out a breath, feeling the tension sitting like a concrete block on my chest. I stared at him, trying to find the right words to say. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Start from the beginning.” He leaned over and placed his hand over mine on top of my leg. “That’s usually how all the best stories start.”
“Right,” I muttered. I could feel my shoulders droop. “So, you know that I used to live with Thomas and his mother when I was younger?”
“Yes.” He nodded his head. “After your parents died.” He looked so sorry for me.
“Yes. She was amazing when I needed a home. She never hesitated. Thomas just took me home with him one day and asked his mum if she would look after me.” I smiled as I remembered. “She was so flustered. She hadn’t known what to say.”
“Dana is a nice lady,” he complimented. “She’s always so polite whenever she comes to visit Thomas at work.”
“I stayed that night and…” I shrugged my shoulders. “And I never left. She took care of me when I had no one else, and we became a family. A proper one. I have always been able to go to her, Christopher.”
“Is she okay?” he asked. “I mean, is she…?”
“No, she’s okay.” I placed my hand on top of his, cushioning his palm between both of mine. “She’s very well.” I could tell my words were confusing him. “I, uh… Why is this so hard?” I muttered.
“Just say it.” He stared at me—no smile, no frown, just passiveness. Just a blank stare. “Whatever it is, you can say it.”
“Okay.” I blew out a breath before I stared down at the floor. I felt like a coward avoiding his gaze, but I couldn’t help it. I was a coward. “I’ve had feelings for Thomas for a while.”
Well, that was blunt.
“Feelings. As in ‘I love you’ feelings?” he asked.
“No. I don’t think I ever allowed myself to let it go that far.” I looked up at him. I could see his jaw clenching, and I knew he was reading perfectly into what I was saying. Or I guess, what I wasn’t saying.
“I don’t understand why you’re telling me this.” He frowned. “I mean… I don’t…” He was stammering now. He reached up and scratched over his eyebrow with the nail of his thumb. “Why is this an issue now?”
“Thomas and I have talked and I… We… I mean, he and I…” I stopped talking when his blank look morphed into a glare before he ripped his hand from where I was holding it.
“So, what? You and he are finally ready to give it a go?” He sounded cold, and I hated it. He had never been like that. He had always been so friendly and open.
I felt my eyes fill and I wanted to smack myself. It was a weakness. I was always such an emotional person and I wanted to stop it. During this conversation, I didn’t get to be weak.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Lauren.” He stared at me. “You’re never going to be happy with him. You really think he’s going to remain true and loyal to you?” He shook his head at me before he stood up. “So, I’m assuming the decision has already been made. You choose him, right?”
I stared up at him, hating it when a tear leaked from my eye. “I’m sorry,” I choked out.
“So am I.” He put his hands in his coat pockets and bent down, kissing my cheek. “I’m more sorry for the heartbreak he is going to put you through. Take care of yourself, Lauren.” He turned and walked away from me, leaving me alone on the bench.
I kept my gaze on him as I watched him leave the park. I don’t know why I expected him to look back at me. He never did. As I watched him walk away from me, I knew it was possible that he may never speak to me again. I knew the choice I had made had quite possibly caused me—and Thomas—to lose a very good friend.
I looked around, embarrassed when I saw people walking by me. They were gawking at me, probably wondering why I was alone on a bench, on a cold winter’s evening, crying by myself.
I shook my head and grabbed my bag of books and walked home. I was in a numb state as I walked the streets. I passed by Dominic’s bar, not having the heart or courage to go inside. Right now, all I wanted was my bed, a happy film and the tub of chocolate and vanilla ice cream that was sitting in my freezer.
12
Thomas
“You can finish early if you want to,” Luke offered. He leaned his elbows on the bar and waved his hand around. “It’s pretty quiet. I don’t think it’s going to get any busier. I’ll close up at eleven.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. I picked up some dirty glasses from an empty table and placed them on top of the bar.
“Go.” He took the glasses off me and began putting them in a tray to be washed in the kitchen. “You’ve been staring at that clock for most of the evening and checking your phone.”
“Thanks, man. I thought she would have come by after it or called or something.” I shrugged my shoulders, feeling kind of disappointed. She should have come by. This was just as important to me. “I’ll go home and see how she is.” I was stopped from saying anything else when I heard my name being called from behind me.
“Thomas!”
I had only half turned when Christopher’s fist shot out, knocking me in the jaw. I fell to the side, grabbing a hold of the bar top in an attempt to keep myself from going down.
Luke came running around the bar and helped to pull me up.
“What the hell are you doing?” he shouted at Christopher.
“It’s fine.” I stood and rubbed my jaw, feeling the pain. There’d be a bruise there tomorrow. I turned to face him, seeing how angry he looked. “I deserved that.”
“You deserve a lot more than that.” He pointed his finger at me. “You have that girl’s head so screwed up. She has no clue what she is letting herself in for.”
“I wouldn’t hurt her.”
“Yes, you will.” He shook his head at me. “You’re going to break her, and we all know it. There’s no way you’re ever going to settle for one woman.” He looked at Luke before coming back to me. “I don’t know what you did at the club last night but you’re not being fair to her.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked defensively.
“She’s your friend,” he said. “When you break her heart, you won’t even have that.” He turned away and stormed out of the bar, leaving us staring after him.
“That was unexpected,” Luke muttered. “You okay?”
“Fine.” I shrugged him off. “I don’t blame him.” I chuckled at the look of surprise on his face.
“Who’d have thought it?” he asked. “Little Lauren causing all this trouble.”
“Yeah.” I picked my coat up and slipped it on. “I’ll see you tomorrow, man.” I left the bar, trying to ignore the look of sympathy that Luke cast me.
As I walked home, I tried to get my thoughts in o
rder before I arrived. I said I hadn’t blamed Christopher for his reaction, but I was lying. I had convinced myself it wasn’t serious between him and Lauren, but his reaction proved otherwise. He’d acted like he had really begun starting to feel something for her. I hoped like hell he hadn’t been too harsh with Lauren. She acted tough but she was really sensitive. She worried about people and she didn’t need him putting a guilt trip on her and making her doubt any decisions she had made.
Taking my keys from my pocket as I approached the building, I ducked inside, shaking my head, watching as the snowflakes fell from my hair. Climbing the stairs, I slid the key in the lock and quietly opened the door.
I looked to the sofa when I heard a sniffle and found Lauren cuddled up in the corner. She had her legs crossed, watching an old re-run of an episode of Friends. It looked like she had been there a while. She had a tub of chocolate ice cream in her lap with a spoon sticking out of it.
“Hey.” I closed the door.
She turned her head to look up at me, her face dropping when she saw the bruising. “What happened to your face?” she croaked out.
I took a seat next to her, frowning when she reached her hand out and gently trailed the tips of her fingers down the side of my face. I reached up and grasped her hand, bringing it down between us.
“What happened?” she asked again.
“Christopher came by the bar tonight.” I paused before continuing, ignoring her startled expression. “It’s fine. He obviously wanted to get it over with.”
“He shouldn’t have hit you.” She sounded regretful.
“Have you been crying?” I stared into her puffy eyes before looking down at the tub of ice cream. She only ate ice cream when she was feeling down. “How did it go?” I asked.
She shrugged her shoulders, reaching for her spoon. “He took it worse than I thought he would. I didn’t expect him to get so upset.” She lifted the spoon and held it out to me, smiling as I opened my mouth and licked it the ice cream from it. I removed my coat and tossed it on the back of the sofa and sat back down next to her, placing my arm along the back of the sofa.
