by Cathy Kelly
At home, she started preparations on the Italian meat ball dish that Tom had once praised. When the raw meat balls were mixed and shaped, she put them into the fridge to be cooked later. They wouldn’t take long and when Tom arrived, she wanted to be ready to offer him a gorgeous meal while he told her everything.
Next, she stepped into the shower and covered herself in her favourite shower gel, the Jo Malone one Kenny had bought her and which was used sparingly because it was expensive. Luxuriating in the glorious scent, Holly dried herself and then slathered on Fairy Cake body lotion, rubbing it into every inch of her body. Finally, she slipped on her most beautiful underwear and topped it all with a long vintage silk dress, high mules and a pink silk flower in her hair. She was ready.
With every candle in the flat lit, she turned off the lights, switched on the CD player and waited for Tom. He’d left Caroline. He’d left Caroline for her.
When ten came and went without so much as a twinge of the doorbell, Holly pulled the flower from her hair and went to the fridge where she ate cheese and crackers standing up. She switched off the CD player and tried to find something amusing on the TV. She could always switch it off later when Tom came.
By eleven, she’d realised he wasn’t coming. Despondently, she switched off the TV, blew out the candles and went to bed. This time, the heartbreak was worse than before. Then, she hadn’t actually believed that Tom was in love with her. She’d hoped, but she’d had no proof.
Now, thanks to Caroline’s tirade that evening, Holly had allowed herself to believe that Tom did love her and that he’d come to her. Stupid, stupid Holly for believing that. Caroline’s jealousy had made Holly the number one suspect. Tom was probably just fed up with Caroline and Holly had nothing to do with it. How could she have been so naive?
The following morning, the queue for the sale snaked right round the building and almost to the staff entrance at the back when Holly arrived at Lee’s.
‘Some of them have been waiting all night,’ said the security man as he let her in.
‘I know how they feel,’ she muttered.
Misery emanated from Holly in waves but if Annmarie wondered why Holly was no longer the joyous woman she’d been the previous day, she was too kind to ask. Besides, they were all too busy to do anything so mundane as talk.
By evening, the department looked like a mild tornado had flashed through, whipping every second garment and throwing it into the wrong corner, inside out into the bargain. Holly and Annmarie surveyed their portion of the kingdom with dismay. It was their job to stay late and sort the place out. Either that, or get in at seven in the morning and do it then.
‘Tonight,’ suggested Annmarie. ‘That way we don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow.’
Holly nodded. She’d tried so hard all day to seem cheery and good humoured, and she was worn out with the effort.
The house was silent as the grave when she let herself in that night. It was just after ten and there was no music coming from Kenny and Joan’s. They were probably out. Holly, who would have loved to have gone in to her neighbours for some comfort and consolation, opened her door wearily. She dumped her handbag down on the counter and worked out how many cigarettes she’d had that day. At least ten, which was awful. But she still felt like one now.
There was a peremptory rap on the door; not the sort of knock made by either Joan or Kenny. A businesslike knock. It could be the new tenant upstairs, a nervy man in his thirties who had thin red lips which he’d spent altogether too long licking on the day Holly had first met him. Creepy was the word that came to mind. She was not in the mood for creepy tonight. Grimly, Holly wrenched the door open. Standing there with an assortment of suitcases and an unpacked draughtsman’s desk, was Tom.
‘I never even heard you,’ said Holly, looking in amazement at all the belongings strewn over the second-floor landing.
‘Kenny helped,’ said Tom.
‘Remind me never to volunteer for anything ever again,’ groaned Kenny, staggering up the last step with a cardboard packing case.
‘I’ve moved out of the flat in Glasnevin,’ said Tom.
‘I know,’ Holly replied.
‘How…?’
‘I met Caroline and she…erm…told me you’d split up.’ Holly knew she sounded very formal but she didn’t care. She was not going to be hurt again. No more jumping to conclusions for Holly Miller.
‘Where did you meet Caroline?’ inquired Kenny casually as he flicked imaginary dust from his oatmeal linen shirt.
‘She came into Lee’s. We bumped into each other,’ Holly stammered.
Kenny shot her a look that spoke volumes.
Tom was staring at her, she knew, but she deliberately didn’t look up at him. She wasn’t going to make a fool of herself.
‘What did Caroline say?’ he asked.
‘Nothing much,’ Holly lied.
‘Anyhow, Tom has no place to stay so I said he could bunk up with me when Joan goes,’ Kenny continued.
Holly thought of Kenny and Joan’s flat. It was bigger than hers, certainly, but still possessed only two miniature bedrooms. There was no space for a six foot two giant who could take up half of a three-seater couch when he sat down, and that was when he didn’t stretch his legs out. Joan walked in her sleep and no matter where they put Tom, she’d keep falling over him in the night.
‘Where’s he going to put all this stuff and where’s he going to sleep until Joan goes?’ she asked.
Kenny’s face assumed its ‘placate difficult customer’ expression. ‘Well, you see, that’s where you come in, Holls. Joan won’t be going for two weeks and until then, to make things easier, Tomneeds somewhere to store some of his stuff. Or, he could stay with you and store his stuff in our place.’
Kenny’s face was so angelic, Holly thought. Even when he was matchmaking, he looked as though butter wouldn’t melt. But Kenny was jumping to conclusions, just like she’d done. Just because Tom had left Caroline, it didn’t automatically follow that he wanted to be with Holly.
‘I don’t think that’s a very good idea,’ she said quickly.
Kenny’s look of surprise was almost comic, but Tom didn’t look surprised at all. He knew what Kenny was up to, Holly realised, and he was embarrassed. He’d hoped that Kenny might help him with somewhere to stay and now he’d got roped into this saga of setting him up with Holly, again. Holly’s face burned with the hurt and shame of it all.
‘Sorry,’ she said, and rushed back into her flat, slamming the door.
‘He’s gone,’ shouted Kenny ten minutes later. ‘Let me in.’
Holly leaned out from the bathroom where she was attempting to dry her tears, and she clicked the lock on the door so that it opened. With tissues jammed up to her eyes, she didn’t wait for Kenny to come in. Back in the bathroom, she got out some cleanser and rubbed it under her eyes where her mascara had run down in sooty rivulets. She looked appalling; her eyes swollen fatly from crying.
‘I’m sorry, Kenny,’ she sniffled, ‘but he isn’t interested. I know you’re doing your best for me but you can’t make someone love you. He left Caroline yesterday, I know because she came into Lee’s and screamed and yelled at me. She blamed me! Honestly, can you believe it?’
There was a clanking noise outside as Kenny filled up the kettle from the tap.
‘And I thought that Tom had left because of me and I waited all last night for him to turn up and he didn’t.’ Holly splashed cold water on her face to see if that helped. ‘He isn’t interested, Kenny, and he was just embarrassed by the way everyone kept pushing me in his direction.’
She waited for Kenny’s reaction. It was unlike him not to volunteer some opinion.
‘I can’t believe I was so stupid,’ she went on. ‘Stupid, stupid, stupid.’ She stared at her reflection and saw a scarlet-faced dumb fat girl who’d been in love with a guy who’d been her friend and who’d run a mile from her now. Holly sighed. There wasn’t a scrap of make-up left on her
face, so she slathered on a decent coating of moisturiser. Might as well make some effort not to totally destroy her skin. Perhaps the tears would act like a home-made acid peel. Shiny-faced, red-eyed and full of self-loathing, she left the bathroom.
‘Oh, Kenny, what am I going to do?’
But it wasn’t Kenny who stood in her kitchenette dunking a teabag into two mugs. It was Tom.
‘Bub.’ Holly tried to speak but no intelligent words would come out. ‘Wha…’
‘Tea.’ Tom handed her a mug and Holly took it.
Cradling the mug in her hands brought back some semblance of normality. ‘You were here all along,’ she said. ‘I thought you were Kenny. You heard everything.’ It was almost too much to bear. Why had he done this? Did he want to humiliate her totally?
‘Have some tea, Holly, love,’ he said softly.
‘Is this wise?’ she said. ‘Giving a woman you’ve just absolutely humiliated a huge mug of boiling liquid?’ Her hands began to shake.
‘You’re upset. I thought it would help,’ he replied, reaching out for her mug.
‘Help what?’ she screeched, moving back jerkily so that tea sploshed around her shoes. ‘Help me look more of a fool that I already am? What are you doing here, Tom? You can’t stay here. I’ve told you that.’ Her voice was high and furious, hurt making her lash out blindly. ‘How many ways do I have to tell you?’
‘I love you, Holly.’ He said it quietly first, then more loudly. ‘I love you, Holly Miller. Even if you don’t love me, even if you think I’m stupid for even being here, I love you.’
She stared at him uncomprehending, listening to the words she’d longed to hear for so many months and yet, she couldn’t quite believe them.
‘Did you hear me?’ he asked. He took the mug from Holly’s hands and stood so close to her that she could feel the heat of his body and smell the scent of spicy cologne put on many hours before.
He placed his big hands on her hip bones, curling his fingers in wonderment around her contours. Somehow, the right thing to do was to move closer to Tom, so that their bodies were inches apart and her face was a hair’s breadth away from his shoulder. And if she moved her head, she’d be looking up at his face, his mouth.
Holly had thought about kissing Tom all right, and she’d thought of his hands caressing her body, but now that she was standing nipple to nipple with him, she forgot all her imaginary kisses.
All she could think about was his nearness, his maleness, the fact that she wanted him more than anything else in the world.
‘Did you mean it?’ she whispered.
Just so she had no doubts, he said it again, ‘I love you,’ as his mouth moved down to hers and they were kissing deeply, drowning in the luxury of each other. Holly’s hands were clinging to his head, pulling him closer to her, and his forearms were crushing her body against his. There were small whimpers of pleasure and Holly didn’t recognise them as coming from her.
He moved his mouth from hers, just far enough so that he could see her face. ‘Do you love me?’
Holly stroked his dear face, astonished that he couldn’t feel the love flowing from her fingertips. ‘Love you? Are you crazy? I love you so much it hurts.’
And then, Tom’s arms grasped her tightly around the waist and lifted her from the ground. Holly wrapped her legs round him, her mouth locked with his, their tongues plunging deeply and sweetly. Gently and without knocking into anything, Tom carried her into her bedroom and laid her down on the bed.
In her whole life, Holly had never felt more desirable or more desired. Kissing and murmuring endearments, they pulled each other’s clothes off, with Tom marvelling as each garment was removed.
‘You’re so beautiful,’ he murmured as he unclipped Holly’s bra and his fingers splayed over one dusky pink nipple, making her arch her back and gasp with pleasure. Holly felt beautiful. And tiny. Next to Tom’s strong, muscular body, she was slender and delicate as a reed. Even more intoxicating was the effect she had on him. When they were both naked and Holly ran her fingers from the bulk of his chest down to the flat planes of his stomach and beyond, Tom groaned as if he couldn’t quite take any more.
‘I wanted this to last forever,’ he said hoarsely, as he covered Holly’s body with his own and she stretched languorously under him, loving the feel of his skin against hers. He began a slow trail of kisses from her collarbone down to the silky skin of her thighs, his hands caressing and stroking.
‘It can take forever next time,’ she said.
She hadn’t known lovemaking could be so tender or so wild. And when Tom’s hard body moved into hers and exquisite shards of the most intense sensations ever exploded inside her, she felt like an ancient fertility goddess filled with dazzling light as the earth, the sun, the moon and the sea streamed into her in some magical ceremony.
They lay curled together afterwards, Holly’s head resting against Tom’s big shoulder, their legs entwined companionably.
‘I love you, Holly,’ Tom said. ‘I’ve loved you for so long, since I met you, practically. But that night at Joan’s fashion show, when you were so brave and beautiful like a warrior queen striding down the catwalk, I knew then.’
Holly’s fingers reached out and touched the contours of Tom’s chest.
‘I love you too,’ she said. ‘Love you, love you, love you.’ She laughed softly and snuggled her head even closer to him. ‘It’s funny that you picked that night,’ she added. ‘I couldn’t believe it when Caroline said you were engaged, I was waiting for you to tell me it was all a mistake.’
‘Oh it was,’ he groaned, rubbing his forehead with a hand. ‘What Caroline wants, Caroline gets. We’d been treading water for a long time. That was partly why I moved away from Cork. Our relationship was dying a natural death and then Caroline came to Dublin, liked the idea of it, and that was that.’
Holly sat up in the bed. ‘Did you ask her to marry you?’
Tom sat up too. ‘No and yes,’ he said apologetically. ‘We’d talked about it a year or so ago. But we never decided that yes, we’d get married. And then Caroline was here the weekend before the fashion show and said, “Right, let’s do it. Let’s get married.” I didn’t know what to say.’
‘No?’ suggested Holly.
Tom gently pulled her into his arms, so that they were face to face. ‘You’re right, that’s what I should have said, but I didn’t. And by the time I’d worked out that I didn’t love her, that I loved you, it was too late. We were on the wedding merry-go-round and I didn’t know how to get off without breaking her heart.’
Holly kissed him gently. ‘You’re a kind man,’ she said. ‘You didn’t want to hurt her.’
‘True. The person I wanted to hurt was Vic. I wanted to rip him limb from limb for daring to touch you.’
Holly was amazed to see true fury in Tom’s gentle face. His mouth was set in a grim line and his eyes were like flint.
‘My big, handsome Corkman, fighting for my virtue,’ she murmured, nuzzling his neck. ‘There was nothing between Vic and me, well, not on my part,’ she amended. ‘I wanted Vic to be you.’
‘Honestly?’
‘Honestly. He tried to take me to bed.’ She could feel Tom’s whole body stiffen as she said this. ‘But I couldn’t do it. I wanted him to be you.’
‘I’m so glad,’ he said, burying his face in her shoulder. ‘I know I’ve no right to be jealous but…I am.’
‘Jealousy is all right in this context,’ teased Holly. ‘I was jealous of Caroline.’
‘And she was jealous of you,’ Tom pointed out. ‘I met a friend for a drink two nights ago and Caroline went mental, accusing me of having been out with you. That did it, really. She was raging at me at one o’clock in the morning, screaming about you, and I had a sudden image of myself and Caroline together forever. Caroline and Tom. Not Holly and Tom. That’s when I knew I’d have to be honest and leave. I moved out the following morning, with her still screaming at me.’
‘She came int
o the shop that evening and blamed it all on me,’ Holly said.
‘And that’s when you came home and waited for me,’ finished Tom. ‘Sorry. I had to know if you were still going out with Vic, you see. I phoned Kenny but I couldn’t get hold of him until this morning and he told me that Vic was off the scene. I also needed to know if you felt the same about me,’ Tom said slowly.
‘Dear Kenny, matchmaker extraordinaire,’ laughed Holly. ‘He’s probably outside the flat with a glass jammed up against the door as we speak. He tried so hard to get us together.’
‘I know. And every time Joan came up with another harebrained scheme to set you up with a man, I was furious.’
‘Were you?’ Holly closed her eyes happily, luxuriating in the knowledge that Tom had been jealous of her.
The phone rang, blistering their peace with its loud tone.
‘Hello?’ said Holly.
‘Hi,’ said Kenny. ‘We didn’t like to knock but is everything OK?’
Holly grinned. ‘Very OK.’ She turned to Tom. ‘Do you want Kenny to drop your stuff off?’ she asked. He nodded. ‘Come on over, Kenny,’ she said.
Tom and Holly enjoyed a lingering kiss before getting up. While Tom pulled on his clothes, Holly wrapped herself in her dressing gown and went to open the door.
Kenny and Joan, wide-eyed with anticipation, stood outside.
Holly said nothing but her beaming smile gave her away.
‘Oooh,’ said Kenny from the doorway. He beamed back at her, thrilled that Holly and Tom had finally found each other. ‘Isn’t true love wonderful. You owe me a tenner, Joan,’ he added.
‘Do not,’ said Joan, just back from a night out. ‘I always knew they’d get together in the end. The bet was about when not if and I can’t remember what I said or what you…’
‘Hi, guys,’ said Tom, emerging from the bedroom with a parcel in his hands. ‘I was looking for my socks and I found this under the bed. It’s got my name on it, Holly.’
