by Cathy Kelly
The patients in the Marigold unit were all suffering from various forms of neural disability, from stroke damage and dementia to brain injuries. They weren’t the easiest patients in the home to care for and, as Matron explained, it took a very special person to do so. But Rose loved working there. On her three mornings a week, she felt taken out of herself. This was what she should have been doing all her life: caring for others. Not sitting through endless committee meetings and discussing how many raffle tickets she could sell. No, this was what she was good at. Really helping people.
After her morning in The Albertine, Rose drove through Castletown and stopped outside Murphy’s Grocery to pick up something for dinner that night. Murphy’s sold everything from food to beach balls and during the summer months, was jammed with children queuing for ice creams, while sun-kissed holidaymakers who’d been sunbathing on the beach ambled slowly round the shop, their bare legs dusty with sand from the beach. At this time of year, there was always a fine layer of sand on the floor in Murphy’s, Freddie said. Carrying her basket, Rose passed two little girls standing in front of the children’s sunglasses and trying to make the vital decision as to whether sparkly silver or more girlie pink glasses looked better. They couldn’t have been much more than eight or nine and they kept trying the glasses on, giggling at each other and then giggling even more when they saw their reflections.
They reminded Rose of Amelia and for a moment, she felt a pang of loss. During the summer, Amelia often spent weeks in Kinvarra with Hugh and Rose, and they had such wonderful times, going on adventures: taking trips to McDonald’s; making Hugh go up in the roller coaster by himself when the funfair came to town, with Rose and Amelia on the ground waving up at him. Biting back the sudden rush of tears, Rose wriggled past a gaggle of customers deliberating over the sun creams. She threw a French stick into the basket, added some local Castletown cheddar, a jar of pickled onions from the organic farm down the road, and then picked tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber and peppers for a salad. It was nearly two by the time Rose parked outside Nettle Cottage and hoisted her shopping from the boot.
Mildred, Prinny and Pig ran out, panting, with Freddie following, still limping.
‘Where’s your crutch?’ demanded Rose as she walked up the path with the dogs excitedly investigating the thrilling smells coming from her shopping bags. ‘I’m shattered,’ Rose went on. ‘I had a marvellous morning but, wow, it’s hard work…’ She broke off because Freddie was looking at her strangely. A sort of working-out-how-to-break-bad-news strangely, Rose realised instantly. Her body began to shake and she had to put the bags down on the path.
‘Come inside,’ said Freddie, picking them up.
‘No.’ Rose stood still. ‘I won’t, not until you tell me. Is it the girls or Amelia? Tell me for God’s sake, Freddie!’
‘It’s Hugh. He’s had a heart attack. Stella phoned me this morning just after you’d left. She didn’t want you to hear it over the phone and I felt the same, which was why I didn’t phone the nursing home.’
‘A heart attack.’ Rose knew her face was as blank as her mind. ‘But how…And how is he? He’s not dead, is he? You’re not trying to break it to me gently, are you?’
‘No, I’m not. He’s alive but he’s in Kinvarra Regional Hospital and Stella and Holly are there with him. Tara’s on her way. Come on,’ Freddie urged. ‘Come inside and sit down. You’ve had a shock.’
Rose let Freddie lead her inside and she sat in front of the fireplace. She felt limp, drained, as if her life force had been sucked out and all that was left was a shell. The click of the kettle told her that Freddie was coming to the rescue with hot, sweet tea.
‘When did it happen?’
‘Last night.’
That was an even bigger shock. ‘Yesterday? But why didn’t they tell me sooner?’
Rose simply could not understand this. She and Freddie had been in all the previous evening because the poker classic, Freddie’s absolute favourite form of evening entertainment, had been cancelled.
The dogs, sensing that Rose was upset, ranged themselves around her as comforters. She reached out and petted Prinny’s soft head while Freddie silently continued with her tea preparations.
‘Freddie, why didn’t they tell me sooner?’ asked Rose again before the answer popped into her head. ‘Hugh didn’t want me to know, did he?’
Freddie put the tea tray on the low table with a bang.
‘I know you don’t like sugar usually but when you’ve had a shock…’
‘Freddie, tell me,’ warned Rose.
‘He didn’t want you to know. He didn’t want Stella, Tara or Holly to know for that matter,’ Freddie announced. ‘But Angela Devon wouldn’t listen to him and phoned Stella.’
‘And not me,’ said Rose quietly.
‘Perhaps she thought that the girls should talk their father round on that one,’ Freddie replied sensibly.
Rose took a sip of the tea and shuddered. It was too sweet to drink. Rushing into her room, she found her mobile phone and turned it on. Quickly she dialled Stella’s and then Holly’s phones, but neither was switched on. Then she rang Tara.
‘Oh, Mum,’ said Tara tearfully. ‘I’m driving down to Kinvarra now. Stella couldn’t get hold of me until a little while ago. Poor Dad, I don’t know how he is or anything…’
‘Hush,’ comforted Rose, ‘Don’t worry, darling, it’s going to be fine. They’re wonderful in Kinvarra hospital, they’ll look after your Dad. You know he’s as strong as an ox.’
‘But he’s not,’ sobbed Tara. ‘He’s got so thin and he won’t eat or anything. Stella said he’d lost loads of weight and he’s just given up. I can’t take any more, Mum. I can’t take it. Not after Finn.’
‘What about Finn?’ asked Rose in horror.
‘He left me,’ sobbed Tara.
Rose closed her eyes and said a quick prayer for the safety of her family. This was her fault. She should have been looking after them and then none of this would have happened.
‘Tara, love, it will be all right. Your Dad’s going to be fine, he’s a fighter, you know. I’ll be there as soon as I can and I’ll cheer him up. And as for Finn, he loves you, darling. He’ll come back.’
‘He won’t, he’s been gone for ages, I haven’t heard from him,’ Tara continued.
Rose felt as if she’d missed about ten episodes of a television series and was having trouble catching up. ‘Don’t worry,’ she repeated. ‘It will be all right.’
Tara snuffled goodbye and then Rose began to pack at high speed.
‘Give Hugh my love,’ said Freddie, hobbling into Rose’s bedroom to help.
Rose nodded. She didn’t want to think about love or she might cry.
‘Give him your love too, Rose,’ Freddie added. ‘That’s what you both need.’
Rose didn’t know how she made the journey from Castletown to Kinvarra. She drove on automatic pilot, some unconscious part of her mind telling her which route to take and which bits of the road to be careful on. She wanted to drive like the wind, breaking the speed limit to reach Hugh before it was too late, but the sensible Rose knew she couldn’t do that. It was bad enough that one of the Miller parents was in hospital.
As she drove, she tried to get her mind round the idea of healthy, robust Hugh in hospital. He’d never been sick in his life. Flu, bronchitis, tiredness: they were things that affected other people, but not Hugh. He was vital, with this life force thrusting through his veins.
‘Good blood,’ he used to joke and Rose had felt irritated because she felt he was implying that his wealthy, privileged background made him hardier than her dirt-poor peasant family. How stupid she’d been. He hadn’t meant that at all. He was just proud, in that typically masculine way, that he was never ill. There had been no slur intended on Rose and her family.
Dammit it, she didn’t care about the speed limit. She had to get there. If she got stopped by the police, she’d tell them she was racing to see her husband because he’d h
ad a heart attack and she loved him and had to be with him. She loved him, she really did. Rose put her foot down on the accelerator. Please, please let her not be too late. She’d never forgive herself if she was.
‘Stel, it’s Glenn for you.’ Holly called up the stairs and Stella rushed into her parents’ room to pick up the extension.
‘Glenn, hello.’
‘I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad,’ said Glenn.
‘Thanks,’ said Stella, bursting into tears.
‘I didn’t mean to upset you,’ said Glenn awkwardly. ‘I only wanted to phone and say I’d got your message and ask did you want me to fly Amelia home early.’
‘Yes,’ sobbed Stella.
When she’d finished talking to Glenn, she went into Holly’s old bedroom and found her sister lying fully dressed on the bed.
‘I don’t feel like sleeping,’ Holly sighed. ‘I wish I could, I’m wrecked.’
‘I keep crying and I don’t know why,’ sobbed Stella.
‘Stella, Dad’s in hospital, Mum’s ripped apart with guilt for having left us all in our hour of need, why wouldn’t you cry?’
Holly pulled Stella close and petted her the way she petted Amelia, stroking her sister’s head and murmuring soothing noises. ‘It’ll be all right, darling, you know it will.’
‘It’s ridiculous. I’m supposed to be the oldest and the one who doesn’t cry.’ Stella sobbed into Holly’s shoulder and was surprised to find the shoulder suddenly vibrate with laughter.
‘You’re hilarious, you know,’ laughed Holly. ‘Being the oldest doesn’t mean anything, well, apart from the fact that you were the only one of us to get new school coats!’
Despite her tears, Stella giggled. ‘Sorry about that.’ As the oldest Miller girl, she’d had two new maroon coats over the years in Cardinal School, while Holly and Tara got them handed down.
‘Have you been speaking to Nick yet?’
Stella began to cry even more loudly. ‘It’s not working out,’ she said. ‘I haven’t seen him for over a week and I think it’s over. I’m a mess.’
The sisters sat on the bed for a while, with Holly saying nothing, just stroking her sister’s hair.
‘You can work it out, you know,’ Holly said finally, when the worst of Stella’s sobs seemed to be over. ‘Look at what happened with me and Tom. If we’d both said what we’d thought from the start, we’d have saved ourselves a lot of pain.’
Stella squeezed Holly’s hand tightly. She’d been so happy to hear that Holly and Tom had worked things out. Her sister deserved the best.
‘You love him, you can work around the problems,’ Holly insisted.
Stella wiped her eyes. ‘The positive part of me believes that, but I don’t feel very positive right now.’
‘Stella Miller,’ said Holly sternly. ‘You’ve never been a quitter. Get back with Nick and I know you can make it work. Jenna will come round, she just needs to get to know you first. You’re the kindest, warmest, most wonderful person I know and I’m proud as hell of you. So have faith in that.’
Stella managed a teary smile. ‘Thank you. Why don’t you try and get some sleep. I’ll phone Nick and see what happens.’
She felt ridiculously tearful on the phone to Nick and had to stop herself from blurting out that she wished he was with her.
‘Your dad’s going to be fine,’ Nick comforted her when he’d heard about Hugh’s heart attack. ‘He’s strong and healthy, you’ve got to believe that.’
‘I know.’ Stella reached for a tissue. ‘That’s what Holly says but it’s just so frightening to see him lying there, hooked up to machines and everything. He looked frail and old in the hospital bed, I never thought of my father like that.’
‘I felt the same about my mother.’
There was silence as they both thought about the pain they’d have to face one day. Nobody lived forever, Stella knew, not even Hugh and Rose.
‘Do you realise we’re being kept apart by parents?’ said Nick softly to lighten the atmosphere. ‘It’s like we’re a couple of teenagers and they’re doing their best to stop us seeing each other so we can study.’
Stella laughed. ‘I never looked at it that way.’
‘I did. I miss you, Stella, so much. You have no idea.’ Nick was fervent now. ‘The only thing that’s been keeping me going is the thought that I was going to see you again and that we’d sort it out.’
Stella had been standing at the window in the kitchen. Now, she sat down on the window ledge.
‘Jenna said you’d told her we were probably going to split up.’
Stella winced. It sounded so cold when Nick said it and she hadn’t meant it like that. ‘I was feeling very down,’ she said, ‘and, to be frank, I thought she’d be happy to hear it.’
‘Actually, she wasn’t. I know she’s been awful to you, Stella…’
Stella interrupted. ‘She was very sweet that day, Nick. We actually talked for the first time ever.’
‘She told me that too,’ he said. ‘She said sorry, sorry to both of us, that she didn’t mean to split us up. And,’ he added grimly, ‘it sounds as if Clarisse has been meddling, making Wendy think that we should get back together for Jenna’s sake.’
‘Oh.’ Another piece of the jigsaw fell into place for Stella. ‘I told you Clarisse didn’t like me.’
‘Yeah well, I’ll be having a word with her and Wendy.’
‘Maybe you should leave it,’ Stella advised. She felt suddenly protective of Jenna and didn’t want either Wendy or Clarisse’s wrath drawn down upon her. ‘I’m sure it’s been difficult for Wendy too, and nothing’s going to improve if you blame her for Clarisse being a cow.’
‘You’re the boss,’ teased Nick.
‘Glad you know it,’ she said back.
When Stella hung up she was smiling. If only Dad would get better, everything really could work out all right.
She was really hungry now and opened the fridge. No wonder her father had been ill. There was practically nothing in there, except for milk and some mouldy cheese.
‘Right, I’m going to take a quick trip down to the shops,’ she announced out loud. Leaving a note for Holly in case she woke up, Stella set off for the supermarket where she got one of the bigger trolleys and began stocking up. There probably wasn’t anything in the freezer either, so she fired in all sorts of groceries. Fruit, vegetables, juice, bread, flour to make her own homemade bread, lots of chicken, fish. Whizzing around, Stella soon had a stacked trolley that was hard to push. Boy but she was hungry. Maybe she’d get some salads from the deli counter and eat on the way home. Picking up one of the plastic containers, Stella deliberated over the self-service tubs. Pickled onions, yes. And tuna in fatty, rich seafood sauce, definitely. She kept piling her container higher, bypassing the rice salad and some crisp greens in search of even more gloopy cholesterol goodies. Egg mayonnaise…Stella stopped with the spoon midway into the tub. She hated egg mayonnaise. Always had. Yet now she was suddenly overwhelmed with a craving for it. Cravings. The shock of hearing that her darling father was in hospital with a heart attack was only slightly more shocking than realising that she was pregnant. For the second time in twenty-four hours, Stella had to hold onto something to steady herself.
Rose could see Hugh through the glass doors of the Intensive Care Unit. He was asleep and he was alone. She pushed the door open and entered, walking noiselessly to her husband’s bed.
Rose had been in many hospitals in her time and seen many ill people, yet even so, it was a shock to see Hugh lying there. He looked so still, as though the life was leaving his body even as she watched. The resolve that had kept Rose dry-eyed during her drive crumpled and she felt her throat constrict with a dull ache.
She should have come home sooner. If she had, this might not have happened. She sat cautiously on the edge of the bed and laid cool hands on Hugh’s hot brow. He looked younger strangely. The weight loss made him resemble the man she’d fallen in love with all those years ag
o, even if he bore many more wrinkles.
They’d had so many dreams then. They were supposed to grow old together. That had been their plan and that could still happen. If she was lucky. She’d been kidding herself that she could cut Hugh out of her life: she couldn’t. She needed him, despite everything.
His eyelids flickered and suddenly opened, eyes milky with sleep stared up at her.
‘Rose,’ he croaked. ‘You came.’
‘What did you think I’d do?’ she said softly, stroking his brow. ‘Leave you to the tender mercies of Adele?’
‘She’s been here but I sent her home,’ he said. ‘It’s you I need.’
‘You never did before,’ she replied lightly.
‘Oh, but I did, Rose, I did.’ Hugh’s eyes filled with tears and Rose bit her lip to stop herself doing the same. It had been a long time since she’d seen him cry. ‘I didn’t think you’d come,’ he added, his voice a hoarse whisper. ‘You said it was over.’
She leaned forward so he didn’t have to try so hard to speak. ‘I was wrong, Hugh. It’s not over, not when you’ve shared as much as we have. I needed time on my own, now I’m back. To sort you out.’
He smiled weakly and closed his eyes briefly. ‘I need sorting out,’ he said. ‘I’m lost without you.’ Suddenly, he tried to sit up and Rose had to help him. ‘I told them not to phone you,’ he said anxiously. ‘I didn’t want you to come back because I’m dying.’
‘Oh, Hugh.’ Rose laid her head close to his. ‘You’re not dying, my love. I won’t let you. And I was going to come home anyway. I had to stay with Freddie because she’d hurt her ankle. I was coming home when she was better.’
‘Promise?’
She nodded.
‘Dad, Mum!’ They looked up to see Tara rushing into the unit, her face tear-streaked and white. She looked like a wraith. ‘I thought I’d never see you again,’ she said, burying her head against her father’s on the pillow.
