by TJ Rudolph
I continued looking at the tall blades of grass; I stared at them for hours as if it were a lifeline, a link to Aaron I didn’t want to break.
I dragged myself out of bed just before seven and slipped on a pair of blue jeans and a gray t-shirt. I looked in the mirror and noticed that the bags under my eyes were worse than last week; it made my light green eyes appear darker than they actually were. I pulled my wavy auburn hair into a bun; it had grown past my shoulders, which was much longer than I liked it. My clothing, which used to fit me snugly, was now hanging off of my body. I took a belt out of the drawer next to my bed and looped it through my jeans. I walked toward the door and looked back at my room.
Aaron always teased me for being a neat freak. He would be shocked to see how messy my room looked now. The dark purple quilt on my double bed had not been washed in weeks and it was untidily tucked under my mattress. The long brown cupboard against the wall was open and I could see pieces of clothing hanging from the shelves. I sighed as I stepped outside and closed the door behind me. Hauling my feet down the long passage toward the front door, I noticed as I passed the living room that it was almost in the same condition as my room. Dad did his best to clean up, but it was usually my job. I locked the front door and as I walked down the front steps I saw my dad already waiting in our faded red Toyota.
When I climbed into the car, I immediately got a whiff of lemon grass, which meant Dad spent the afternoon cleaning it. As I pulled the seatbelt across my body, he reached over and touched my hand. “You ready to go, honey?” He smiled even though he appeared tired and worried.
His usually sharp eyes were drooping and his face was full of stubble. I used to cut his hair every time he came home from the ship, but he never asked me to this time and it looked like he had done it himself because his light brown hair was ashy and unevenly cut.
I tried to smile back at him but my heart was just not in it, so I heaved a sigh and nodded.
Aaron lived only ten minutes away from my house but than ten minutes divided our town into two classes. The one where I lived was where you would find the run down two bedroom homes packed closely together, and outside the grass was usually a faded brown color, except for the grass outside my window close to the lake. Our house, however, was a slightly bigger three bedroom home and faced the small lake, with no neighbors on either side. Dad said he was lucky to buy it and he got a good price for it; it was the only house of its kind in our area.
Aaron’s house on the other hand, was very different; it was a large white two-story home with a double garage and the greenest grass I had ever seen. It had four bedrooms with a bathroom in each one. He had a blue, diamond shaped pool in his yard, which we could actually swim in, unlike the murky brown lake alongside our home. Aaron and I often joked that there were probably crocodiles living in it, and I once dared him to jump in. I was horrified when he actually did it and even more so when he took a few seconds to come up. I frantically called out to him until he materialized from the murky water twenty agonizing seconds later.
We pulled up at Agatha and Chris’s house; the familiar façade pulled me from my memories.
We climbed out and walked through the white swinging wooden gate, down a long pathway up a set of stairs. My dad walked up to the front door with a bottle of wine tucked under his arm. For some reason, he seemed nervous, which was weird, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. He cleared his throat before knocking on the door and I was wringing my hands together.
The white door swung open and Agatha smiled when she saw me. She looked older than I remembered, but still beautiful. Her blonde hair was cut short, which made her brown eyes look rounder, although they were red and puffy.
“Grace, baby, I am so happy to see you, it’s been too long.”
I put my arms around her and realized that she must have lost about twenty pounds since I last saw her, but then again, the same could be said for me.
Chris towered over both of us and gave me a bear hug. “I missed you, Pumpkin,” he said as he planted a kiss on top of my head. He looked like an older version of Aaron, with his naturally broad shoulders and tall frame. His blue eyes, which Aaron also inherited from him, had dark rings under them too. I felt sad knowing that like me, they were probably haunted by the same nightmares of Aaron dying.
“Nice to see you again, Joel,” Chris said, shaking my dad’s hand.
“Yes, yes, thanks for inviting us.”
“Dinner is ready,” Agatha said, and we walked behind her on a red carpet. The familiarity of the house gave me an immediate lump in my throat. The dimly lit hallway was narrow and had photos on either side of the walls; I tried not to look at the ones of Aaron as I passed, but right next to the wooden staircase was my favorite one of him and I. His blond hair stood out against the white background and I quickly wiped my tears away. When I entered into the kitchen through the slated white doors, the table was bedecked with food.
“Grace, I made your favorite.” Agatha smiled. “Chicken lasagna.”
“Thank you.” I smiled back weakly. I sat down at the round wooden table and held my stomach as Agatha placed a plate with food in front of me; this would be my first attempt at ‘real’ food.
The conversation was strained, a gloomy uneasiness filling the room. Agatha looked like only her body was there with us—from time to time she would shift her eyes to the blank wall and Chris would have to call her names a few times before she responded. Chris tried to keep me involved in the conversation by asking if I wanted more food, to which I politely refused.
When we were done eating, there was a long period of silence at the table, until my father broke it. “Thank you, Agatha, that was amazing, and you even got Grace to eat.”
“I am glad you enjoyed it,” she responded with a small smile.
My father cleared his throat; the nervousness I noticed earlier was resurfacing.
“There is another reason we came here tonight, Grace,” my father said, looking down at his plate. “You know that I really want to stay at home with you, but we just can’t afford it and I need to leave next week. I don’t want you to be alone in the house, so I’ve asked Chris and Agatha if you could stay with them, until you go to college next year. How would you feel about that?”
I remained quiet, moving the chicken around on my plate. How I felt about it was that everyone had already made a decision for me and I knew I didn’t have much choice in the matter.
Agatha reached over and touched my hand. “I’m sorry we didn’t speak to you first, honey, but you cannot be by yourself.” She knew me too well, as well as any mother knew her daughter. “You already have a room here, so it would just be a matter of you bringing some clothes over.”
I nodded once. “Sure, that’s fine.”
I could see everyone in the room relax, as if they were expecting more of a fight.
Agatha stood up and took something out of the oven. “Chris made apple pie,” she said and brought it to the table.
“I can’t promise that it’s any good,” Chris joked, but no one, not even he, laughed.
Agatha forced me to try some of the dessert, and after I had, I was ready to leave. “Thank you both for inviting us over.” I glanced between Agatha and Chris. “Dad, if you’re ready, I would like to go home now, I’m feeling tired.”
“It was a pleasure, honey,” Agatha said, stroking my arm. “We’re looking forward to you staying with us.”
“Me too.” I pulled my lips into a smile.
My dad stayed behind for a few minutes after I walked to the car, no doubt making more decisions without discussing it with me first.
I wasn’t angry, really; I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make rash decisions. I knew they only wanted what was best for me, but the thought of being in Aaron’s house without him was going to be painful.
I sat in the car and looked at them through the window. My Dad had that concerned look on his face, the one he permanently wore since the accident. Chris stayed true
to his strong nature putting on a brave face, but Agatha looked the way I felt, hopeless and detached from reality. I knew every day I spent there would remind them of a child they no longer had, one they had to replace with another.
That’s when I made the decision, right then and there. In a few months’ time, I would go to college. Perhaps then it would be easier for everyone, me included.
Chapter 2
Aaron’s scent still hung in the air. Being at his house was not as agonizing as I thought, in fact it was somewhat calming. It made me feel like he was still there with me. Every room had a hundred different memories and it comforted me. Agatha gave me the downstairs bedroom with a view of the pool. It used to be a storage room but Agatha had Chris clear it out. According to her the room I used to sleep in when I stayed over was too small for everyday living.
She kept Aaron’s door closed permanently and I never saw her go into it. I didn’t blame her; I couldn’t bring myself to go into his room either. The guestroom was much bigger than my own bedroom, and it had a double bed with high ceilings. There was a thick white duvet on the bed, like the ones they normally have at hotels, and matching white curtains with lace detail. It was quite the contrast to my home. The floor was carpeted with a plush gray rug and a large brown, antique-looking cupboard stood against a wall opposite my bed.
Early one Saturday morning, as I lay looking up at the celling, I heard the heavy brown cupboards in the foyer being pulled along the oak floor. Agatha had started her obsessive cleaning regime. I assumed it was a coping mechanism to get her mind off Aaron. We all had one—Chris spend as much time away from home as possible and mine was endlessly staring at things that reminded me of him. I decided to get up and walked out by the door.
“Need some help?” I asked.
She barely acknowledged me and shook her head. She had brown sweatpants on and was kneeling on the floor with a cloth in her hand.
“I’ve got it. Chris will be home at twelve, you can come down to eat then.”
I tried to make eye contact with her to let her know that I was there, that she wasn’t going through this alone, but she purposefully ignored me as she concentrated on polishing the floor.
I sighed as I walked back to my room and thought that maybe I should give her Doctor Parker’s number.
Around midday, I walked to the kitchen and found Agatha already in it. She made a big lunch nobody would finish and I stood still as I stared at it all.
Agatha turned around and noticed my shocked face. “I’m just so used to… whenever Aaron came home from practice…” She turned away and started washing the dishes.
I wanted to walk up to her, put my hand on her shoulder and tell her that we were going to be okay. I even spent a few seconds picturing it, but I knew that was a lie; none of us would ever be the same again. So instead I sat down at the table and placed a piece of chicken on my plate.
I heard the front door opening and Chris walked inside; he tried to be chirpy as he entered the kitchen and I wondered how he always managed to put on a brave face. I would say that out of the three of us he was handling the situation the best, but then I would look into his swollen, red eyes and know that was not the case.
“It smells wonderful in here,” he said, walking over to Agatha and kissing her cheek. He turned to me. “Hey, Pumpkin.”
I tried to smile at him as I stabbed at the chicken on my plate.
Lunch was a quiet affair and a few hours later when we gathered to eat dinner, it was exactly the same. We had fallen into a routine almost fit for recluses.
We passed a few words amongst each other and then we all said goodnight and retired to our rooms. The house I once loved to be at had become dismal and I feared that it would stay like that forever.
School on the other hand was a lot harder. I floated in and out of class and everything seemed to go by in one hazy mass.
As I was walking to art class one morning, I felt a hand on my arm and slowly turned around; I was not in the mood for the small talk everyone was trying to make lately.
I stared up into the brown eyes of John, or John-o, as Aaron affectionately called him.
“Hey, how you doing?” he spoke up gently.
I didn’t answer him and stared down and my feet.
“Right, sorry… stupid question. Look, I just wanted… If you ever need anyone to talk to, I know Aaron was your only friend around here. I mean he often spoke about you.”
“Thanks.” I shrugged, wondering why Aaron would speak to his basketball buddies about me.
“There are a lot of people who really miss him too, Grace,” he whispered and then walked off.
I stood in the hallway a few minutes after the bell rang. Aaron was not only our school’s basketball legend, he had a nurturing way with people and everyone loved him. John-o was right; I knew they all felt the loss.
Every weekend there was a party, and Aaron usually only went to a few of them, but now that he was gone, people started inviting me, which made me feel even lonelier.
I walked to the back of the class and sat next to a window. Miss Goliard, our art teacher, had put up blank canvases for everyone. I heard her saying something about doing an interpretation on dance and I picked up my paint brush. Forty-five minutes later, however, I had not painted a single thing on the canvas and was glad that Miss Goliard wasn’t walking around. The bell rang and I picked up my bag, making a beeline for the door.
“Grace? Could I see you for a moment?” Miss Goliard tucked her disheveled hair behind her ears.
“What is it with everyone wanting to talk today?” I hissed under my breath.
I stood next to the brown table she was sitting at and she smiled up at me.
“Grace, I’m just going to cut to the chase. I don’t want to pretend that I know what you’re going through because I have no idea. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want what’s best for you, and that it pains me to see you this way. You know I don’t like to label my students, but you are the best art student I have ever had. You have a great gift, Grace, and I know it feels like it won’t get easier, but it will.
I looked out of the window; I didn’t want to discuss anything with her. I didn’t have the strength.
“All I am saying, Grace, is that you have a bright future ahead of you, and I would hate to see it wasted.”
“Is that all?” I asked tersely.
“I guess it is,” she nodded.
I stormed out of her room, I was angry at her… angry at myself that she could be right and knowing that I was being unjust to Aaron’s memory by throwing away my gift.
I tried to do better the rest of the year, tried to pick myself up out of the feeling of despair, but it was harder that I thought. Most days went by in a daze, and finals swept by. I wasn’t sure how I passed. I wasn’t exactly what you would call intellectually challenged, but I was pretty sure that my teachers were giving me higher grades than I deserved.
I skipped prom and stayed in for most of the summer holidays and before I knew it, Agatha was helping me pack my bags and dragging me shopping to buy new clothes for college. She took me to the most expensive shops and mostly chose all the clothes for me, things I would never be able to afford myself.
“I can’t let you pay for all these things,” I told her after we went to the third boutique.
“I know you like to be independent, Grace, but I want to do this for you, so please let me.”
I nodded; I knew that her going shopping with me was taking her mind off things, and like me, she hadn’t really left the house. Aaron told me that she used to be a teacher, but stopped working when he was born and his Dad had his own business, manufacturing his own line of advanced construction material. They were very wealthy, unlike my father who was left to raise me alone after my mother left years ago. They were humble people and taught Aaron to be the same, and he was. He was the sweetest guy I had ever met.
