by BJ Wane
But she missed Mitch more than anything else. She missed the way he called her sweetheart in that tone that was part sexy drawl and part loving caress that sent shivers up and down her spine every time. She missed the way he looked when he bit into a dessert she made him, closing his eyes and moaning as if he was in ecstasy, missed the way his hard body spooned her at night and the way he growled her name when she frustrated him.
Hannah bent and played tug of war when Roxy returned with the stick, smiling at the way she growled so viciously while wagging her tail. Mitch had accepted Roxy without complaint, cleaning up her accidents and tucking her next to them when she managed to make it up on the bed, just like he had accepted her first request for sex without stipulations or complaint, despite having to put his preferences aside because of her inexperience. She wondered where they’d be now if she hadn’t lost their baby, if he would have accepted that responsibility as chivalrously as he had the challenge of indulging in an affair with her. She would never know, not only because of the miscarriage, but because she has ignored his daily calls since leaving Lexington, and now she hasn’t heard from him in the past three days. She has come to terms with her loss and with the trauma of being a victim, now she wondered if her next challenge was going to be coming to terms with losing the man who managed to do what no other had done, replaced Caleb in her heart.
In hindsight, she saw her mistake in listening to that other woman’s taunts without giving Mitch a chance to explain. She was caught at a weak moment, but admitted that was no excuse. She had wronged both of them by running that night, and paid a hefty price for her mistake.
Hannah felt eyes on her, knew her grandmother was sitting in her rocking chair on the back porch, her knitting in hand as she watched her with a worried frown, her Aunt Mary next to her. She wished she could ease their worry, but Hannah was still struggling with what she wanted to do now that the numbness of shock and grief has worn off and she was faced with the decision of where to go from here. She finally realized she was mourning what could have been with her husband more than the actual loss of a child she knew nothing about. It went against their beliefs to mess with Mother Nature and without asking, Hannah had always known Caleb would never consent to fertility tests. If he had, it would have saved a lot of anguish for her. It was just one more thing that showed her how much she had given up for her husband and how little he had given her in return, which made her appreciate Mitch’s concessions on her behalf even more.
“How long are we going to let her mope?” Mary asked her mother as they both watched Hannah walk aimlessly through the field of wildflowers, her dog bouncing around her feet in playful abandon, obviously oblivious of her master’s mood.
“She spends her days working my garden, working in the stables, working in the kitchen and house. It breaks my heart, what’s happened to my girl. But it is time to push her a little.”
Mary looked at her mother, saw past the age lines that seventy years of hard living had put on her, and saw a woman of great strength, compassion and love. “It’s my fault,” she said with a pang of guilt. “I shouldn’t have asked her to house sit for me. I thought getting away from her memories here would be good for her.” And she thought Mitch would also be good for the niece of her beloved sister whom she couldn’t love more if she was her own. Mary had flown home as soon as possible after Hannah called and asked to borrow her car for a trip back to Ohio for a visit. Sensing there was more to the story than Hannah was letting on, she had quickly called Mitch and gotten the whole story. Hearing the worry and remorse in his tone, she asked him point blank what he wanted from Hannah. His swift answer of “Everything” was all she needed to hear to set her mind at ease.
“Nonsense,” Ruth Miller scolded her daughter. “Hannah needed to get away, needed to start a new life away from here and I can’t think of a better place for her to start than in your home. Tell me something, Mary. Are you happy with your…friend?” The shocked surprise on Mary’s face would have made her laugh if it didn’t sadden her so. How could her daughter think she wouldn’t love her no matter her choice of lifestyle?
“You know?” Mary squeaked, unable to believe her mother has known of her lesbian relationship with Patty and she never let on before now.
“Of course I know, I’m your mother.”
“And you’re okay with it?” There was no censure on her very morally strict mother’s face, only calm acceptance.
“Of course not, any more than I am with Hannah’s actions, but it isn’t up to me to judge you or anyone else and certainly doesn’t make me love either of you less.” Cradling her hand on Mary’s cheek, she whispered in a tormented voice, “You are the best part of me and your father, and we cherish you. Hannah,” she added, turning her gaze to her tormented granddaughter, “is all we have of your sister, which makes her even more special to us. But it’s time for you to take Hannah home. We both know she doesn’t belong here anymore than you do, but that doesn’t mean my heart won’t break when you leave.”
“But we’ll be back,” Mary promised her feeling as if a burden has been lifted from her shoulders. Now, if only she could ease Hannah’s burden as easily.
“She’s cute as a button, your Roxy.”
Hannah turned with a smile at the sound of her aunt’s voice. “Yeah, she is. Aunt Mary, much as I appreciate you coming all the way back here in the middle of your trip, you don’t need to be here. I’m fine.” Her aunt had surprised both Hannah and her grandmother by showing up last week, having flown straight to Ohio as soon as her cruise ship docked again.
“Now, where else would I be when you’re hurting? Unless you’re ready to go back to Lexington where we both know you belong now.”
Hannah gazed into eyes that were the same shade as hers and saw the worry clouding them. “I’m sorry, Aunt Mary. I’ve made a mess of things.” Hannah wasn’t talking about her attack and miscarriage, but about the way she was beginning to regret running away instead of staying to work through her ordeal.
“Why don’t you come have a long overdue talk with your grandmother and me?” Tucking Hannah’s arm through her own, she didn’t give her a choice as she led her back through the field, out the gate and over to the porch, the bright afternoon sun warming their backs.
Handing her a glass of sun brewed ice tea when Hannah took a seat next to her, Ruth didn’t beat around the bush when she asked, “When are you returning to Lexington, Hannah?”
“In a hurry to get rid of me?”
“Of course not, child. You know I love having you here, just as you know this is no longer where you belong. Don’t you have work and a young man to get back to?”
Hannah did have to either return soon and get back with her new clients or tell them she wouldn’t be able to take their jobs. As for Mitch, she had no idea where she stood with him now, especially after she had ignored his constant attempts to get in touch with her.
“You sure are anxious to have me return to the modern world, you know, the one where I was a victim of crime three times,” she returned a bit defensively, not comfortable with having her grandmother say aloud what she had been thinking earlier. She knew she didn’t belong here anymore, but had she burned her bridges with the new life she had been forging by turning her back on the people in it?
“And it breaks my heart at what you have gone through, but do you think staying here is insurance against you getting hurt again? Do you remember the Schrock’s?”
“Yes, I used to babysit for them. They were such a nice couple.”
“We all thought so too until Samuel beat Martha for having an affair, putting her in the hospital for weeks and landing himself in jail. Did you forget your own parents were killed by drunk teenagers, boys from our community who stole a car to go joy riding and partying?”
The pain in her grandmother’s eyes tore at Hannah and she berated herself for thinking she could hide out here instead of facing reality. “I had no idea. Is Martha all right?” She remembered the Schrock�
�s as being a very friendly couple, devoted to their children and each other.
“It took a while, but she’s fine now. They’re divorced, of course, and she’s now seeing this other man openly, a nice man who is willing to live here with her after they marry. Hannah,” Ruth said as she took hold of her granddaughter’s hand, “you went through a terrible ordeal, but don’t let it ruin what you have with this young man. You don’t get too many second chances in this life.”
“I can be packed and ready to head back first thing in the morning,” Mary said, a knowing smile splitting her face when she saw the acceptance in her niece’s expressive eyes.
When Hannah still hesitated, Ruth said gently, “Life is a balance of holding on and letting go, Hannah, and it’s time for you to let go.”
“What if he no longer wants me?” Hannah asked Mary, voicing her worry out loud for the first time. “I haven’t spoken to him since I left and he hasn’t called in three days. Not that I blame him.”
“All the more reason to return as soon as possible. Mending fences is never easy, but necessary if you want to keep what you have. And remember, Hannah, it was Mitch’s baby too.” Rising, Mary and Ruth went inside, leaving Hannah to think about what she wanted to do.
It was Mitch’s baby too. That line reverberated in her head the rest of the afternoon as Hannah rode her favorite mare, Daisy, while Roxy did an admirable job of keeping up with them. Guilt was a horrible thing to admit to and live with, and she had it in spades. Not once in the past two weeks had she considered Mitch’s loss, only her own. She hadn’t even bothered asking him how he felt about the fact that she was pregnant, had no idea whether he was relieved or sad about her miscarriage. She remembered the rage and concern on his face after he had subdued her assailant and the worry and concern when he followed her to the hospital. He had been nothing but kind and supportive of her since the day they met and she threw those weeks of consideration back in his face when she turned her back on him.
She recalled their first meeting, how she responded to him, how he helped her with what turned out to be a simple problem and fix with Aunt Mary’s car without making her feel stupid. As she rode through the cornfields she remembered the time he took her to the McGilley’s farm to ride, giving her a taste of home, an afternoon of fun with no expectations except that she enjoy herself.
And she remembered the sex, the awesome climaxes she would still know nothing about if he hadn’t shown her in more ways than she could have ever dreamed about. She now realized how difficult it must have been for him to suppress his more dominate urges to sleep with her in the beginning. She couldn’t think of a single instance when Caleb had gone to any extra lengths for her, to please her or give her a new experience. Mitch, she was just now realizing, had the strength of character Caleb had been lacking.
Hannah sent Roxy back to the house by pointing and saying, ‘home’, pleased at seeing the way her obedience classes have paid off when she did as ordered, just like her sexual experiences had paid off when she obeyed Mitch’s orders. Watching until Aunt Mary let her in the back door, she then let Daisy out for a run, loving the freedom of galloping across the wide open fields, the feel of the sun and wind on her face. She had found it just as freeing when Mitch took her over, binding her either physically or emotionally, but he never made her feel like she was an object, like just another woman there to please him. On the contrary, his focus had always been on giving her pleasure, seeing to her long neglected needs and she had soaked up each new experience like a sponge. Being under his control had allowed her to explore a world of sexual pleasures she never imagined existed, her only boundaries those she imposed on herself.
Slowing Daisy to a trot then a walk, Hannah wondered if Mitch had turned to his on again off again lover after she left. The anger that shook her at the thought surprised her, but it shouldn’t have. At first it had been the startling revelation of all that had been missing from her ten year marriage bed that drew her, followed slowly by discovering all that had been missing from her and Caleb’s relationship. She had entered into their affair wanting and expecting nothing but friendship and a chance to explore what she had been missing out on. She has known for some time that her feelings for Mitch have grown, but she didn’t realize until just now, at the thought that she might have lost him to someone else, that she loved him with her whole heart. She should have seen it sooner, should have known she couldn’t do the things she had done at his club unless her heart was involved. It was Mitch’s baby too. She did him a grave injustice and now, if she wanted him back, she knew she was going to have to come up with a way to convince him of her feelings.
Hannah called Anna first thing in the morning after arriving back home late Friday night. She knew Mitch was at work, and she didn’t want to talk to him there nor discuss their relationship over the phone. It had taken some groveling, but Anna finally agreed to meet her for lunch at the First Watch Cafe, but warned she was bringing Kayla and Olivia also and that none of them were too happy with her.
She could tell by the looks on their faces when Hannah entered the café that their longer friendship with Mitch came before their budding friendship with her, but she didn’t let their unsmiling welcome deter her. Taking the fourth seat at the table, she said sincerely, “Thank you for meeting me.”
“Hannah,” Olivia reached over and clasped her hand, “I am so sorry about what happened to you. How are you?”
Hannah felt tears threaten as Olivia looked at her now with compassion and concern. Of the three of them, she sensed Olivia was the peacemaker and had the softest heart. “I’m better, thank you. It took me awhile, but by the time my head cleared, I realized the grave injustice I did to not only you, but to Mitch, which is why I asked you to meet me today. I need your advice and help, even though I know I don’t have any right to ask for either.”
“Let’s order then talk,” Kayla said briskly, but her eyes warmed when she looked at her.
Anna asked about Roxy after they had given the waitress their orders and relating her dog’s antics around her grandparents farm amused them all, especially when she told them how Roxy thought the head butting goat was playing with her and insisted on sneaking into the pen whenever Hannah had her back turned.
Laughing, Anna said, “Just picturing a three legged ball of curls bouncing around an irritated ram is hysterical. No wonder Mitch missed that little runt so much.”
Hannah sighed in remorse. She hadn’t thought of how attached Mitch had become to her dog or how he must have missed her when they left. “Do you think he’ll forgive me?” she whispered sadly.
The three of them shared a look she couldn’t decipher before Anna replied, “I think Mitch would probably forgive you about anything. In truth, we’ve only seen him once and that was when he stopped into the club the week after you left only long enough to tell our husbands that he was turning in his membership. He didn’t think, after all you had been through, that you would want to return there.”
Shocked that Mitch would be willing to give up something that was such an important part of his life for her, Hannah felt even guiltier for the way she left him without a word then refused his calls. Even after ten years of marriage, Caleb would never have considered giving up any part of his life for her and she just now realized how much that hurt. “But, he loves the club. It, and all of you, are such an important part of his life.”
“Apparently, you’re more important,” Kayla stated, her tone cool. “Did you know he had Crystal banished from the club?”
She assumed Crystal was Mitch’s ex-lover and hearing how far he went to make sure she didn’t cause any more trouble bolstered her determination to try to win him back. “So how do I convince him otherwise, that I want him and his…?” She paused, not sure how to explain she wanted him just the way he was.
“His kinky preferences?” Olivia supplied with a grin. “I think we can come up with a way to convince him. After all, the three of us had to jump through hoops to convince our
husbands to take a chance on us, and look at us now. Married, knocked up and happy as clams.”
“Anna, you too?” Hannah asked her with a smile, shoving aside the pang of longing that her nod brought on.
At the look of yearning Hannah hadn’t been able to suppress quick enough, Anna quickly changed the subject. “So, how about if I pick you up after work, around two, and we’ll get together before going to the club. I’m sure Donovan or Brett or Colin can talk Mitch into coming out tonight on some pretext or another. They’ll do anything to see him fall the way they have,” she said with a smirk.
“I’ll be ready.” At the thought of returning to the club and what Mitch might subject her to there, her body quickly warmed and pulsed with desire, making her even more anxious to see him again.
Mitch leaned back in the wide chair, crossed his ankle over his knee and scowled at his so-called friends, wondering yet again what he was doing here. Last week he had told them he wouldn’t be returning to the club. He couldn’t expect Hannah to jump right back into their relationship and certainly didn’t expect her to want to return here. He imagined the trip back to Ohio had reinforced her moral objections to not only their affair but to his dominate, alternative designs. Once he dragged her back here where she belonged, he would respect that and any limitations she put on their sex lives as long as she allowed him to be there for her.
