At Otter’s impassioned plea, Miranda’s ire dissipated. She stroked his cheek. “Otter, you have been my friend for as long as I can remember. You and I will never be romantically involved because I think of you like a brother. That will never change. I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression that it might. But somewhere out there is a perfect woman for you. Someone who will love you for you. And I will be the first person to attend your wedding and babysit your children and invite you guys over for dinner. But I am not that girl.”
Otter wiped his nose and nodded, all the fight leaving him. “Sorry, Miranda. I’ve been such a shit. I was the one who made the call,” he confirmed with such misery that it was evident he’d been eaten by guilt for it. “I just couldn’t stand to see you with someone other than me. I understand if you never want to talk to me again.” He risked a glance at Jeremiah and added, “And you’re a decent guy. I’m sorry for the things I said. Or, I will be sorry when I sober up but right now I’m pretty drunk and I’m still pissed at you for being so lucky.”
“Apology accepted.” He paused, lifting a brow with uncertainty. “Do I need to start looking for a new place to live?”
“No,” Otter answered, wiping his running nose. “You’re a good renter. You can stay.”
Miranda chuckled. “Otter, go home and get some rest. I’ll have Russ call you a cab.”
Otter nodded and sat heavily in the nearest chair while Miranda talked to Russ. She and Jeremiah waited until Otter was safely packaged away in the cab and going home to sleep it off before they left the bar. She could only hope Otter wouldn’t be too mortified in the morning but she felt better having said what had long needed to be said. Perhaps it’d been her fault for not setting Otter straight immediately. She just hadn’t wanted to hurt him and then the rest of her life had imploded with different issues. By this point Jeremiah had sobered a bit and he could walk steadily but Miranda knew she didn’t want to go home alone.
“I shouldn’t want you,” Jeremiah said, his voice a husky murmur. “I should say good-night and let you go on your way. But I want you to go home with me.” Miranda didn’t have to say anything, and he saw a mirror of his feelings in her eyes. “One more night?” he asked softly.
“One more night.”
What neither of them wanted to admit was that one night was never going to be enough and they both knew it. Somehow to admit that they both needed each other in a deeper, more primal way, that their bodies reacted to one another on a cellular level, and that their souls felt intertwined, was just too much. To admit that would mean they’d have to answer some bigger questions and neither one of them was ready to do that.
So it was easier to agree—one more night.
* * *
MIRANDA RESTED HER head against Jeremiah’s chest, the sweat drying on their skin. She could spend a lifetime lying in this exact position. What a difference. She never imagined she’d meet anyone who made her feel this way. Why did it have to be Jeremiah? It seemed a cruel irony that she’d gone and fallen in love with the one man who could not be the person she needed him to be.
“What’s on your mind?” Jeremiah asked, his voice a low rumble in his chest. “I can practically see the tension rising from your shoulders.”
“I think I am falling in love with you.” Miranda held her breath, almost afraid of what that admission would do to their dynamic. When Jeremiah didn’t say anything she squeezed her eyes shut and wished she hadn’t said anything at all.
His arms tightened around her as he exhaled a deep sigh. “You know I’m not the right man for you despite how much I want to be. You need a man who can be a father figure to your son and I can’t be that.”
Tears stung her eyes. “I didn’t say I wanted you to be my son’s father. I said that I loved you. Does that mean anything to you?”
“If I said that I loved you back would it change anything? Each time I look at your son, I will remember mine and the fact that Tyler’s gone. Every single day I think about how things might’ve been different if I hadn’t bought him that damn ATV, so much so that it almost drove me crazy. The only way I’ve been able to shut off those questions in my head is by shutting down that part of myself, the part that had been a father. I won’t know how to do that around your son.”
Miranda rose, clutching the sheet to her bare breasts. “Life goes on, Jeremiah. It breaks my heart that you lost your son. I cannot imagine the pain that you have been through or how much it hurts every single day to know that your son is gone but I do know that you can’t stop living. Otherwise you might as well just climb into the ground with Tyler.”
Jeremiah immediately bristled. “You don’t know what you’re talking about so I’d stop offering an opinion,” he said sharply, climbing from the bed and jerking a robe on over his nudity. His glare said he blamed her for the sudden change between them. “This isn’t the way I’d like to end the evening.”
“Well, we don’t always get what we want, now do we?” Miranda said, hurt and angry, but mostly hurt. She’d bared her soul to him and admitted her deepest feelings and he’d countered with “I can’t be your son’s daddy.” If she were inclined to violence, she might be tempted to pitch something heavy at his stupid head. She scrambled free from the bed and quickly recovered her discarded clothing from the floor. She slid her panties and bra on, not willing to spend another minute in his miserable company.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” She pulled her jeans and sweater on and began looking for her shoes but Jeremiah grabbed them first. “Give me my shoes,” she demanded.
“Just hold on a minute,” he nearly shouted, and she crossed her arms and stared. “I’m just saying that it’s ignorant of you to try and school me on how to properly grieve for my child when you’ve never been through what I have. You can’t possibly imagine the horror and the pain of losing a child. And I hope you never do. But don’t sit there and try to lecture me about living life to its fullest when you’ve never suffered such a huge loss.”
“I’m not lecturing you. I’m just pointing out the obvious,” Miranda disagreed. “You’re choosing to cut yourself off from a new life with someone by refusing to take a chance.”
“Don’t you understand? I will never be the same. And I’m trying to do you a favor,” he argued. “I’m not cut out to be someone’s stepfather. You say you’re not looking for a father for your son but how’s that going to work out? Will we just continue to see each other on the side without allowing certain aspects of our personal life to mesh? That’s no life. That’s not a true relationship. That’s a friendship with benefits or a booty call. And I’m not willing to disrespect you in that way. Don’t you get it? I want better for you!”
“I don’t need you to tell me what I need.” Tears blurred her eyes. “I just told you that I loved you. That’s it. If you don’t feel the same then just say so. I didn’t ask for an explanation of why you don’t want to be with me. I don’t need you to make excuses. I just had to tell you how I felt.” She held his stare even though it hurt to look at him. “And I can see that I’ve made a huge mistake. Now give me my damn shoes or I will walk out of this house barefoot.”
Jeremiah’s arm snaked out and grabbed her before she could leave and pulled her close. “I do love you. Damn it, Miranda, I love you desperately.” He ground his mouth against hers and she felt her body stirring with passion and bone-deep misery. She clung to him as their tongues twined with one another and their need reached a fevered pitch. “Is this what you want?” Jeremiah demanded to know between kisses, his touch becoming urgent and insistent. “Do you want to hear how much I love you and how it kills me to set you free? Because it does. It kills me to know that I’m not good enough. It kills me to know that the best thing for you is to get away from me. I will inadvertently hurt you and your son somehow because I’m not ready to face the grief that I’ve push
ed so deeply inside of me.” He buried his face between her breasts, squeezing almost painfully. But she gave herself to him as freely as she had admitted her love for him. He groaned against her. “I love you. I love you more than I have ever imagined loving anyone and it’s killing me.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks as they made love. Each thrust felt desperate, as if they both knew it was the end. They clung to one another as they rode out their passion until they were finished, gasping for breath, the smell of sweat and sex lingering in the air as they recovered.
She loved him. And he loved her. She’d be a fool to chase a man who’d already admitted he couldn’t be the man in her life. She’d made a vow that she would never bring a man into Talen’s life who wasn’t going to be there permanently. Jeremiah had just told her why he couldn’t be that man.
And she owed it to Talen to stick to that vow.
Even if it cracked her heart in two.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
JEREMIAH TRIED TO stay focused on his work but his attention kept straying to Miranda down the hall. He felt like a toad for shooting her down last night when she’d plainly bared her soul to him. Wasn’t he doing her a favor by being honest? His intuition reassured him, yes, it was better to be honest and up front about expectations than to experience heartache later from disillusionment, but it hurt like hell right now and he even felt a little queasy.
He managed to stick to his plan of staying out of her hair for about an hour until he finally rose and strode into her office with a legitimate question.
“Did you turn in your application and résumé?” he asked.
She didn’t look up from her task. “Yes.”
“Excellent.” He paused. “Did you see the letter of recommendation I emailed you early this morning?”
“Yes.” She looked up. “I didn’t send it.”
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t want to worry about someone saying that you wrote it simply because you felt guilty about something. With the recent situation with Otter, I didn’t think it was prudent to send a letter where you sing my praises. If my application and résumé aren’t sufficient, then I’m not cut out for the job.”
“Miranda, that’s ridiculous. There’s nothing wrong with a superior sending a letter of recommendation for an employee he feels deserves it. I wouldn’t have written it if I hadn’t believed in every word.”
“Be that as it may...in light of recent events...”
“You are the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met,” Jeremiah fairly growled, irritated at her refusal to see reason in this one area of her life. “My letter could be of significant value. Particularly in Stuart’s eyes.”
“I don’t care.”
“You don’t care,” he repeated. “Then why’d you send the résumé and application at all? I call bullshit. You care plenty. You’re just pissed at me, so you’re cutting your nose to spite your face.”
“Don’t be stupid,” she said, going back to her work. “Is that all? I have work to do.”
She was done talking. He could see it in the stiff set of her jaw and the tension in her shoulders. “Fine,” he bit out. “Be that way.”
“I will.”
“Good.”
“Glad we’re on the same page.”
Jeremiah glared but his anger bounced off her like water on a duck’s back. She’d effectively shut him out. He turned on his heel and returned to his office, steaming mad.
Of all the immature, reckless, stupid things to do... He fumed quietly, tapping his finger against his desk. She was perfect for that job. Her talents were going to waste in this old tin can of a satellite office. She definitely had what it took to do a good job in the other position. He hated the idea of Miranda wasting away, filing moose permits and languishing under sheaves of copy paper. He opened his email and quickly wrote a message to Stuart. If Miranda was going to be a pill, he’d just have to do what was right, whether she liked it or not.
Stuart,
I recently heard that Miranda Sinclair applied for the Special Services Enforcement Officer position. I’ve enclosed a letter of recommendation that I hope you will take into consideration for inclusion with her application and résumé.
Sincerely,
Jeremiah Burke, Director
She’d probably be furious when she found out, but he could deal with that. He was going to do what he felt was right and Miranda was right for that job.
Although he was relieved that Miranda had applied for the position, it didn’t relieve his tension about how things had ended the night before.
As much as he hated to admit it, Miranda had touched on a nerve. It was true he hadn’t dealt with his grief and he’d thought with time the pain would simply dissipate, and perhaps become like an old scar, visible but no longer agonizing. But he’d begun to lose hope that that would ever happen, because every time he thought of Tyler, it felt as if his heart were being wrenched out. But how did he know that he wouldn’t be able to handle being around someone else’s child? Truthfully, he’d never chanced it. He’d kept separating himself from children in general but he’d never thought about someone he cared about having a child. He loved Miranda. He knew that without a doubt. He wanted to see her succeed; he wanted to watch her soar. He wanted to sleep beside her every night. But she and her child were a package deal. Could he handle the pressure of reintroducing a child into his life? And was it possible for him to love that child as he’d loved his own? There were so many questions that he didn’t know the answers to and he didn’t have the luxury of testing out his theory because people could get hurt. He’d rather suffer misery without Miranda than subject her to any pain on his part.
But even as his good intentions seemed pure and grounded in sound logic his heart was in agony, calling him an idiot for letting her go. He and Josie had had a good marriage but in the end they’d been way too different to be truly compatible. He’d known that for a long time but he’d been committed to making it work because of Tyler. What he felt with Miranda was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. It was as if he’d suddenly taken a deep cleansing breath for the first time in the purest of mountain air. When he was with her he felt alive. So, if he felt that way, shouldn’t he at least meet her son and test the waters?
The stakes were too high for maybe, he reminded himself. It was either yes or no. Either he had the balls to face his grief head-on and work to healing the hole inside of him or he’d accept that it was simply too hard and say goodbye to Miranda forever. Basically, it was a cut-and-dried situation. He could pretty it up all he wanted with reasons and excuses and justifications but it really boiled down to those basic issues. Either he was in, or he was out.
He already knew how it felt to say no. The minute the words had left his mouth he wished he could reel them back in. On the surface it seemed the right thing to do. He was being the bigger man. But everything in him screamed this was wrong. She belonged with him. And he would do anything to make that happen. Even if it meant dealing with his unresolved issues.
How long did he expect to keep running from his grief? He’d never really answered the question. Denial was a powerful thing. And it had a firm grip on his life. But he was tired of living a half life, of running away from his pain and being afraid of hanging his son’s pictures on the wall.
His son’s memory didn’t belong tucked away in a box in a dark closet. He wanted people to see Tyler’s picture hanging on the wall and ask about him. He wanted to be able to tell people how his son had been spirited, smart and athletic. He wanted to be able to share that his son meant more to him than simply a tragedy in his past. And that was where he’d relegated him to by refusing to face it.
He’d deal with the pain somehow because that was part of the healing. But he would also accept the joy that was waiting for him around the corner. His life didn�
�t have to be over. Like Miranda had pointed out, if he wasn’t going to live his life, he might as well have climbed into the ground beside Tyler.
And he wasn’t ready to give up just yet.
He grabbed a phone book and looked for the first grief counselor he could find. Within seconds he had dialed and booked an appointment before he lost his nerve. He didn’t know if he was ready but there was only one way to find out.
* * *
MIRANDA NEEDED SOMETHING to distract her from her heartbreak over Jeremiah, so when the weekend came around she decided she and Talen would go visit her parents. She hesitated a long moment. She hadn’t wanted Talen to see the lifestyle her parents were living in but she realized she couldn’t shelter him forever. Her parents had problems and the only way they were going to get through it was if the family came together to help them. Even if they didn’t realize they needed the help. But even so, Miranda talked to Talen during the car ride to cover some bases.
“Hey, buddy, before we go visit Grandma and Grandpa we need to talk first.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “Do you remember when I told you that Grandma has a hard time throwing things away? And that Grandpa likes to hang out in his shop a lot?”
“Yes. Mamu says that Grandma Sinclair has a ghost living with her. What does that mean?” Talen asked.
Miranda frowned. Mamu had never said anything like that to her before. In fact, she’d never offered much of an opinion when Miranda had shared her concerns about her mother’s living conditions. She’d have to ask Mamu what she meant by that. “Well, Grandma is having a really hard time right now. And we need to try to help her see that the way she is living isn’t good for her. You think you can do that for me, buddy?”
“I’ll help Grandma. Do you think Grandpa will teach me how to carve like him? Mamu says I’m very good.”
That Reckless Night Page 24
