"Do you just not believe in God?" He asked, sounding perplexed.
"Not really, no. I believe in treatin' people the way you'd wanna be treated. I believe in karma. I don't believe in an imaginary guy in the sky. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel."
"Now let me ask you somethin'. Do you believe in God?" I asked, sitting back on the couch, ready to hear his explanation.
"Yeah. I do. I'm sure that's hard to believe, but just because I don't go to church doesn't mean I don't believe. It keeps me sane. You might think he's imaginary, but I don't. I believe our destinies are designed by Him before we're even born. I believe we were supposed to meet, I believe we were supposed to go through what we've been through to be ready for each other. Fate is a miraculous thing, and I believe God shapes us with trials and tribulations so that when we find our soulmate we're ready to be the best partner we can be."
After our conversation, I realized that maybe he'd been right. I also realized that I hadn't had faith in longer than I had first thought. I had always tried and failed miserably. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that people worshiped a being they'd never know for sure existed. I had always gone to church, hell I even sang in the choir, but in my heart, I never believed. I was never sure why I was more spiritual than religious. I had my own beliefs, but no one knew that because I'd learned at an early age that people were going to disagree. It was always easier to just keep my mouth shut than try arguing with the ignorance of people who didn't want to even try and see things from others points of view.
I was jolted from my thoughts when my phone began to ring. I looked at it, already knowing that it was Ashley.
"I'm sorry," I answered.
"I am too. We're coming out for Christmas and I'd love to see you."
I smiled. "Sounds good to me. Hey, I wanted to ask you somethin'."
"What's up?"
"Okay, so Josh and I were talkin' about faith and religion earlier. Don't ask why we just were, I wanna know what you believe. What you really believe."
It went quiet for a while, and when she finally answered she somewhat blew me away. "What does it matter who believes what? Have you murdered somebody? Has Josh? Committed felonies? Cheated? Stole? No? Well shit, does it matter then? I know what you both believe in, and I know you two don't see eye to eye on it, but you know what? Love is meeting in the middle. You can believe in nothing and he can believe in God, as long as neither of you pushes it on the other what the hell does it matter? Yeah, I believe in God, you know that. But to me religion is understanding people, showing compassion. I haven't gone to church since I was sixteen, but my parent's don't push me. Why? Because they know I believe. Have you ever heard that saying: 'Going to church every Sunday doesn't make me a Christian any more than standing in my garage makes me a car.'? Not every person that goes to church is a Christian, and not every person that doesn't go is a sinner. Shit, believe what you want. You wanna believe in comin' from monkeys then believe it! Wanna believe in doin' unto other's as you'd have them do unto you? Fine! Why are religion and spirituality such a big damn deal?"
She was reeling and I had to giggle. I didn't mean to get her so fired up about it, but I should've known it was going to happen.
"It didn't start a fight or nothin' between us. I just wanted to know what you thought. I do get what you're sayin' though. We've always agreed on that, only I think, 'cause I knew you believed and you knew I didn't."
"Okay, now can I ask you why you really don't believe?" She asked, and that kind of derailed me.
"Because of my--"
"No, Jo. Not 'cause of your parents. You've always had a hard time believing. What happened that was so bad that you lost all faith?"
"I don't know. I really don't. As long as I can remember I've never had faith. Maybe I wasn't meant to? I don't know." I replied, feeling a little bewildered. I wasn't sure why I never had faith, but I knew it started at a very, very young age.
After I got off the phone with Ashley I decided to get cleaned up and go out to scout some bands. I needed to get out of the house, I was going a little stir crazy. I grabbed a black long sleeve dress from my closet and stared at it for a while. It was one of those nights that I was really wishing Josh was here, it would be great to have someone, preferably him, to go with me.
I slipped the dress on, slipped some turquoise high heel booties on and took a look in the mirror. I smiled, Josh still on my mind. I had to silently thank him for giving me a little of my confidence back that Lance had taken away from me. I snapped a few pictures and sent them to Josh, hoping like hell he'd appreciate them.
I was in the cab when my phone dinged. I looked at it quickly, my heart pounding in my chest, my stomach in knots.
"You're gorgeous baby. You going out?"
I bit my bottom lip, realizing I hadn't told him. "Yeah. Sorry, it was a last minute decision. I'm going alone, but I'm sure I'll run into people I know. Going to The Stage on Broadway. Got to scope some new music, I've been lack. I'll call you when I can. I love you!"
It was no time until I got a reply. "Just please be careful. Call me as soon as your home. Have fun, love you too."
I smiled and put my phone back in my purse. I was pretty excited to get out of the house. I just hoped there would be some good bands that weren't already signed, or on that road. Out of the twenty or so demo tapes I'd listened to, only three were worth signing and we were really needing some new talent. Since I had signed David none of us had found anybody worth signing and if we had they were already working with another record company and didn't want to switch over. Tonight, though, tonight felt good. Tonight felt like my night. Tonight there was something in the air, electricity. I had high hopes.
Chapter 18
I was sitting at a table, sipping on my drink when I saw Catherine walking towards me. She was the top-selling recording artist at Tennessee River Records. She was known as a hard ass, but I think I got to see the sweet side of her more than anyone else.
"Well look at you Joanna! It's nice to see you out on the scene again, where've you been hidin'?"
I laughed as we hugged each other. "I ain't been hidin' anywhere Catherine. I've been flyin' back and forth between here and California for the last like three months."
We both sat down at the table, facing each other.
"That's a lot of flyin'. Whatchya been doin' out there so much?"
"Visitin' some friends. Visitin' my boyfriend."
She raised both eyebrows and I couldn't help but smile wide.
"A boyfriend?! It's about time ya know? I was beginnin' to worry you was gonna leave us. You know TRR wouldn't be the same without ya."
I shrugged, "I think you're just sayin' that. I appreciate it, though." I replied, winking at her.
"No, Jo, I'm bein' serious. You cain't ever leave us."
That got me to thinking about how Emily had asked when I was moving. This made me reconsider ever leaving. Even if that meant not being with Josh.
"I don't know Cath, this long distance relationship is gonna make either me or him move. I'm thinkin' it's gonna be me."
"You cain't do that! California shouldn't get to get you. Nashville needs you, hell, TRR really needs ya. Between us, I heard Richard and Max talkin' the other day about you. Sayin' that they woulda tanked if you woulda never came in for that job interview. You're an asset to this place Jo. If it weren't for you workin' your butt off and findin' new bands seems like all the time I woulda already had to go somewhere else. And we both know I wouldn't get the same treatment 'cause they'd look at me like a new artist, not like a veteran."
"They were really talkin' about me like that?"
She nodded. "On my life."
That meant she was serious, the woman never put anything on her life that wasn't true. That astonished me. At least now I knew that the last five years working my way up with them, and the last two being the manager of my department wasn't in vain.
"S
o what the hell do I do? I mean, eventually, it's gonna come down to one of us needin' to move. I don't see him goin' anywhere, so do I move or what?"
She laughed. "You make him wanna follow you. Not the other way around."
That didn't seem at all fair to me, but I knew something, someone, was going to have to give when the time came.
I was pulled from the conversation between Catherine and me when I heard a deep southern accent on stage.
"Hey, y'all I'm Ryan O'Neal and this song that I'mma 'bout to play for y'all is about heartbreak and mistrust."
I couldn't turn away, he had me hooked. Either by his good looks or the sound that came out when he began to sing. I wasn't sure which at this point, but I knew I needed to hear more.
"So about this Joshua guy--"
"Shut up Catherine. Now's not the time. I'm listenin'." I said, not even looking at her.
I heard her mumble something and I shot daggers her way. She shut up real quick then and I go to listen to the rest of his set without her saying anything else.
After Ryan was finished I made a beeline over to him.
"That was great!" I said, smiling.
"Well thank ya. Glad ya liked it." He replied, returning the smile.
I stuck my hand out so that he could shake it. "My name's Joanna McMillan."
He shook my extended hand just as I was beginning to think he wasn't. "Nice to meet ya."
"Nice to meet ya too, Ryan. So are you signed? Lookin' to get signed? Or just doin' this for fun?" I asked.
"Lookin' and doin' it for fun."
I said a silent thank you. "That's great!"
"So why do ya ask? Mind if we talk about it over drinks sometime?"
I smiled. "That would be great. How about right now?"
"Sounds good. Come on, I've got a table already."
"Alright, lead the way," I replied.
Once we had a seat and ordered our drinks, I knew it was time to start talking.
"So why I ask is 'cause I work with Tennessee River Records."
"Oh do ya now? So you're a scout?"
I shook my head. "Not exactly. I'm the artist and repertoire manager."
"Well, no shit. I didn't expect somebody so beautiful to be out here lookin' for new acts. Blows my assumptions outta the water."
I laughed. "Uh huh, we ain't all men."
"Obviously."
"I counted, at least, two major hits that you played. I just wanna know if you'd be interested. How bad do ya really want this?"
"Well, considerin' I've been doin' this for fifteen years and ain't given up yet, tells myself I want this pretty damn bad."
"Sounds like it. Why fifteen years? You got anything to fall back on?"
"Why fifteen years? 'Cause nothin' happens overnight for me. Hell yeah, I got somethin' to fall back on. I'm a construction foreman."
"Well, at least, ya got a backup plan. Wanna know how many kids I see out here, doin' the same thing you're doin', but ain't gotta back up plan?"
"The biggest majority?" he asked as the waitress set our drinks down.
I nodded. "Yeah. Wanna know how many of 'em get signed?"
"I cain't see many of 'em gettin' it. This shit takes hard work and dedication. These kids ain't got that, the ones who do don't ever get what they want so they lose faith."
There it was again, faith, I mentally shook it from my mind and continued.
"You're right, 'cause we ain't lookin' for kids with no dedication. Hell, we ain't lookin' for nobody that ain't got the dedication. Now let me ask you somethin', you've been doin' this for the last fifteen years and ain't been signed, why's that?"
"Oh, sweetheart I got signed five years into this. I got tired of the run around from 'em, they wanted my songs, but not me. I left, and for the next eight years, I've been tryin' to find somebody who wants me and my talent, not just my talent. Are you that somebody?"
I laughed. "So you were signed, why didn't ya just tell me that?"
"'Cause I wanted to have a drink with ya," He replied winking.
I nodded. "Smooth Mr. O'Neal. Okay, so how'd you feel about signin' with Tennessee River Records?"
"I'll feel better about it after you answer a few questions for me, sweetie. You're what? Mid-twenties? Most artist and repertoire managers are at least mid-thirties. So how'd you get here?"
I smiled, leaning over the table slightly. "I know what you're really askin' me. You're askin' if I slept my way here, no I didn't. I worked for marketin' and promotion first, for two years. Then I worked for my department for a year before the old manager was fired and I was bumped to the new manager. Why ya might ask? Because even as marketin' and promotion I was bringin' unsigned acts in. I worked my ass off to get here. So no, I didn't sleep my way here and I didn't suck dick either. Some people are just good at what they do and some of us have bigger balls than men who get up on the stage. So the next time you're offered somethin' don't assume somebody fucked their way to the top." There was venom in my voice as I sat back.
Ryan laughed. "I like you. Most women woulda been flabbergasted and not know how to answer. You've got balls, that's for sure, 'cause I coulda just walked away and you know that. So hell yeah I wanna sign with y'all."
I smiled. "Good. Here's my card, bring a demo with ya tomorrow at 10 AM. I wanna hear stuff I didn't hear up there, and we'll go from there."
"So I got your number?" He asked looking at the card.
"My office number yes you did. Mr. O'Neal this wasn't no date. This was drinks with a potential artist. You might think it was a date, but I don't." I replied, finishing my drink.
"I like you even more. Tell me somethin' 'fore ya go. How'd you get so tough?"
"Nothin' in life was handed to me either. I may only be in my mid-twenties but I've got life experience that measures somewhere to the mid-thirties, early forties."
"Well, at least, I know my time won't be wasted."
"No sir it won't. Now just don't waste mine." I replied, as I turned and walked away.
I found Catherine still at my table. I sat down and she gave me a curious look.
"That took a while."
I nodded. "Yeah, well I cain't just walk up to somebody and hand 'em a card. I gotta talk, I gotta sell 'em on why they should sign with us."
"And that's why you're better than Marie ever was. You don't just try to let the label do the work for ya. You play hardball. I've seen you work before, remember? Most intense thing I've probably ever seen."
I laughed. "If you say so Catherine. I just hope he ain't an asshole all the time."
"What'd he say?"
"He asked how I got where I am because I wasn't mid-thirties. If a man asked you that, what'd ya think he's tryin' to say?"
Her jaw dropped. "He thought you slept you're way here? Woo boy, you let him have it didn't ya?"
I smiled. "A little, which apparently made him like me more. He's supposed to be at the office tomorrow at 10 AM with a demo of stuff I ain't heard. If he can do that, well then we'll go from there."
I walked inside, kicked my heels off and quickly dialed Josh. It rang and rang, finally it went to voicemail and my heart sank.
"Hey babe, it's me. I just got home. Hope you have a great night. I love you."
I hung up and checked the time on my phone. It was midnight my time so that meant it was only ten his time. My heart began to beat faster, nerves taking over. I trusted him, but part of me still didn't. I would always worry that he'd do to me what Lance had done. Faith, Joanna. What everyone keeps tellin' you to have. Try it sometime. I thought as I tossed my phone on the coffee table and decided to go wash up for bed.
Once I was dressed in sweats I went back and checked my phone. No new phone call, no nothing. I shrugged, trying not to overthink it. Of course, it was hard, but I set my alarm, crawled into bed and laid there. What if he's cheatin'? You'll never know. Yet you wanna keep livin' here. You're a smart girl, but he ain't gonna wait forever. I sighed heavily, closing my eyes slowly. I wish the
re was an off switch for my brain. It would make times like this just a little easier.
I woke up before my alarm, considering I'd done nothing but toss and turn all night. I checked my phone and still had nothing. I shrugged, now angry at the fact that I had ever trusted him. I got dressed quickly, grabbed my coffee and headed for the door. I didn't bother taking my cell, anyone that needed to get in touch knew my office number. Everyone except Josh, but I'm sure if he really wanted to talk he'd call Ashley. I knew I was in for a really, really long day with my mood so sour.
Chapter 19
Weeks passed, I signed Ryan and now we had the ball rolling on him. I had finally heard from Josh, apparently he had lost his phone. I wasn't buying it, but I let him believe I did. After work I headed straight home, changed into pj's and texted him.
"We need to talk." Is all I had written.
"Everything okay?" He asked in reply.
"We'll talk tonight."
With that my phone started ringing.
"Bullshit we're talking now." He sounded angry.
"Ain't you at work?"
"No, Jo I'm not. I got off early so I could take care of some stuff."
I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "Ah. Well, I think we should date other people."
"Really? Right before Christmas? What the hell is going on with you?"
"What the hell's goin' on with me? What the hell's goin' on with you? You cheatin' on me? 'Cause when do you ever take off work to take care of some stuff? You know what, forget it! I just wanna tell you that it's over."
"So what? Just because I actually lost my phone, you think I'm cheating on you? Call Mike! They were with me that night! Or what you don't trust them either?"
That infuriated me. "I don't know who I trust anymore!"
"Okay, okay, look. Let's calm down, take a breath and actually talk. Why do you want to break up? Is it the distance? Trust? Well I know it's the lack of trust, I'm not mad, I get that part. Just talk to me, please. I love you."
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