by Joan Hess
EXTRAORDINARY PRAISE FOR
JOAN HESS
“Witty, ironic, and biting . . . Joan Hess has an unerring comedic instinct.”
—Bookpage
“Joan Hess fans will find a winning blend of soft-core feminism, trendy subplots, and a completely irreverent style that characterizes both series and the sleuth, all nicely onstage.”
—Houston Chronicle
“Breezy and delightful . . . Claire Malloy is one of the most engaging narrators in mystery.”
—The Drood Review
“Whether she’s hammering my funny bone or merely passing a feather beneath my nose, Joan Hess always makes me laugh. Murder only raises Joan Hess’s wicked sense of humor. Enjoy!”
—Margaret Maron, author of Storm Track
“Definitely entertaining. Hess deftly sprinkles red herrings and odd characters throughout.”
—Library Journal on The Murder at the Mimosa Inn
“Dear Miss Demeanor is great fun . . . Hess’s poniard is tipped with subtle wit.”
—Chicago Sun-Times
“Hess’s theme is a serious one, but she handles it with wit. Claire is an appealing character, and this is an engaging mystery for anyone who likes crime mixed with comedy.”
—Booklist on Roll Over and Play Dead
TITLES BY JOAN HESS
A Really Cute Corpse
A Diet to Die For
A Conventional Corpse
Dear Miss Demeanor
The Murder at the Murder at the Mimosa Inn
Strangled Prose
Roll Over and Play Dead
Out on a Limb
AVAILABLE FROM
ST. MARTIN’S / MINOTAUR PAPERBACKS
A Conventional
Corpse
A CLAIRE MALLOY MYSTERY
JOAN HESS
St. Martin’s Paperbacks
NOTE: If you purchased this book without a cover you should be aware that this book is stolen property. It was reported as “unsold and destroyed” to the publisher, and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this “stripped book.”
A CONVENTIONAL CORPSE
Copyright © 2000 by Joan Hess.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010.
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 00-029686
ISBN: 0-312-97726-3
Printed in the United States of America
St. Martin’s Press hardcover edition /June 2000
St. Martin’s Paperbacks edition / August 2001
St. Martin’s Paperbacks are published by St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3
To Terry Kirkpatrick,
whose advice has been essential
Finally, a book of your own.
Contents
Cover Page
Title
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter
1
It had thus far been a reasonably agreeable day, so the last thing I wanted to see was Sally Fromberger marching down the sidewalk, clutching a clipboard to her bosom as though it specified disembarkation protocol for the Titanic. She was smiling and nodding at her fellow pedestrians; most of them managed to return the courtesy with only a faint glint of apprehension. There is nothing about Sally that suggests she might be a serial killer in disguise, despite the fact her vanity license plate reads VEGNRULES. She has a significant girth, buttery yellow hair, ruddy cheeks, and a perpetual glow of pleasure. The tip-off was the clipboard, I concluded as I continued to arrange gardening books, flowerpots, and assorted tools in what I hoped would be an eye-catching display in the bookstore window.
Not that I wanted to catch eyes, mind you. I was much more interested in platinum credit cards. The Book Depot, situated in an old train station down the hill from the Farber College campus, certainly could use an influx. I suspect bookstores in small college towns like Farberville experience the same swings—a lull in January and February, followed by a flurry of activity before midterm exams, and then a sustained funeral interlude when students pull out blankets and coolers to bask in the sunny spring weather. At such times, a young man’s fancy may turn to love (well, lust), but rarely to literature. Not even Elizabeth Barrett Browning can compete with Budweiser when the tanning season arrives.
“Good afternoon,” Sally chirped as she came into the bookstore and beamed at me. “It looks as though we’ll have perfect weather for the convention, doesn’t it? This very morning I had quite a few cardinals and blue jays in my backyard, and there were darling little finches at the feeder. I assumed they were purple finches, but my husband was adamant that they were house finches.”
I was tempted to put a flowerpot over my head and hope my red hair resembled roots, but instead descended from the footstool. “Would you like to buy a field guide to North American birds?”
Ignoring my admittedly silly question, Sally began to flip through the thick clutch of pages on her clipboard. “The steering committee met last night at my house to make sure nothing has been overlooked. Everyone attended except you and Dr. Shackley. He was presenting a paper at a seminar on the East Coast, so we could hardly expect him to be there.” She glanced up at me with the sly look of a robin assessing the caloric content of a worm. “Your role is vital, you know. The Thurber Farber Foundation for the Humanities has invested a great deal of money in our very first mystery convention. I’m hoping the board members will be adequately impressed with the outcome to continue to fund us in the future.”
“So am I,” I said, wondering if I could persuade the foundation to fund me in the future, too. As much as I love my musty, dusty, cobweb-riddled bookstore, I barely make enough money to keep my peevish accountant at bay and my sixteen-year-old daughter in designer jeans. When pressed into duty, the boiler at the back of the store hisses with the virulence of a deeply-offended Victorian dowager; it’s only a matter of time before it shudders to a timely death—or explodes. One would think owning a bookstore is a suitable job for a widow, but there are moments when it seems perilous.
Sally paused in case I chose to offer an explanation for my unexcused absence, then sighed with enough vigor to produce small-craft warnings on area lakes, and said, “Here are your copies of all the committee reports.” She began thrusting pages at me. “Registration is approaching one hundred, and we anticipate a few more. Press releases have gone out to all regional media. The schedule of activities is finalized. Your table will be in the back of the room in which the signings will be held, and you can start setting up Friday at four o’clock. Caron and Inez will be needed to fetch our authors from the airport beginning at noon. They are still willing to do this, aren’t they?”
“For seven dollars an hour, they’d carry the authors on their backs.” I set the papers down on the counter and attempted to look like someone with a very important chore awaiting her. “If that covers everything . . . ?”
“These are photocopies of the page proofs for the program book. They’ll give you an overview of Farber College’s first ‘Murder Comes to the Campus.’ I ca
n’t begin to tell you how excited I am, Claire. Just think of the luminaries who have agreed to be our speakers! I never expected such a response.”
She didn’t have to tell me how excited she was. Her face was flushed and her eyes were glittering; if the boiler didn’t explode in the immediate future, she might, splattering the paperback racks with robust red corpuscles. She clearly wanted to continue, but I clasped her shoulder and steered her toward the door.
“Why don’t you hurry home?” I said in a concerned voice. “It’s likely people are trying to get in touch with you. Your answering machine must be jammed with messages. All of us are so grateful for your attention to details, Sally. Don’t let us down now.”
“It is a complex project,” she said modestly, then sailed out the door to badger some other innocent soul.
I waited until it seemed safe, then went outside to admire my window display. It would not incite rabid gardeners to storm the store, but it might lure in a few green-thumbers. I most certainly was not one; the only things I grew with noticeable success were dustballs, mildew, and gray hairs. Okay, perhaps a few wrinkles, too. Gravity asserts itself at forty—with a vengeance.
Satisfied with my efforts, I went into my cramped office in back, gathered up the checkbook and a stack of invoices, and sat down behind the counter to determine if there was any way to appease some, if not all, of my creditors. Will Rogers never met publishers.
It was not an amusing way to spend a balmy afternoon, and I was gnawing on a pencil and mumbling to myself when the bell above the door jangled. I put down the pencil as Caron and Inez came across the room. “How was school?” I asked in a tritely maternal fashion.
Caron, who had mastered the art of speaking in capital letters at age fourteen, dropped her backpack on the floor and made a face reminiscent of a gargoyle gazing down from the heights of Notre Dame. “School is Such A Bore. Everybody else on the entire planet is outside, soaking up sunshine, while we’re incarcerated in that dreary prison. I’m surprised the cafeteria isn’t serving bread and water. What’s more, the teachers seem to think their job is to torture us. All I was doing was looking out the window, for pity’s sake. From the way Mrs. McLair jumped on me, you’d have thought I was skinning an armadillo.”
Inez Thornton, a perfectly muted counterfoil to my melodramatic daughter, stared at her. “That’s nauseating. Why would anyone skin an armadillo?”
“Who cares?” Caron picked up the pages Sally had left. “I can’t believe you’re involved in this dorky thing, Mother. Who would actually pay to listen to a bunch of authors talk about where they get their ideas? Mrs. McLair had this writer in to prattle to our class about poetry. My brain positively atrophied. Carrie and Emily were obliged to help me out of my desk and guide me to my next class. I had to chomp down on no less than three peppermint candies to come to my senses.”
I resisted an urge to snatch the papers out of her hand. “Authors can be interesting, dear.”
“Yeah, and Louis Wilderberry’s going to ask me to the prom.” Caron went into the office and began to open desk drawers in search of my cache of chocolate.
Inez eyed me warily. “What time are we supposed to pick them up at the airport? I have an algebra test sixth period, and I sort of said I’d help decorate the cafeteria after school for the Latin Club banquet.”
“Humanum est errare,” I said. “You and Caron promised Sally Fromberger a month ago that you would work Friday afternoon, all day Saturday, and Sunday until whenever.”
“Yeah, a month ago,” Caron said as she emerged empty-handed and picked the pages up once again. After flinging the irrelevant ones over her shoulder, she paused for a moment. “There’s no reason why both of us have to make every run to the airport, Inez. We’ll divvy them up so you can practice draping yourself in a bedsheet. Who’s this Laureen Parks, Mother? Is she an utter bore?”
“Laureen Parks,” I said with admirable restraint, “has made a significant contribution to the mystery genre. She’s written over sixty novels of romantic suspense.”
Inez peered at me. “Like when the heroine hears a chainsaw in the attic and goes to investigate? I never could figure out why she doesn’t just call the police on her cell phone.”
“She can’t afford one,” I muttered.
“Give Me a Break,” said Caron. “This author’s got to be really old to have written all those books. Inez, you get her. You can tell her how you used to obsess on Azalea Twilight’s gushy books.”
“That was a long time ago,” Inez retorted hotly. “At least two years—and you read her books, too.”
Caron did not deign to respond. “Then, at one-fifteen, somebody named Sherry Lynne Blackstone. You’ll have to get her, Inez. I absolutely cannot make polite conversation with somebody named Sherry Lynne. I’d feel obliged to drop her off at a bowling alley. Big hair makes me nervous.”
I glared at my darling daughter. “Sherry Lynne Blackstone is responsible for a goodly portion of your wardrobe. Her books have sold steadily for fifteen years. They’re a bit too cozy for my taste, but she has a loyal following of cat fanciers.”
Caron raised her eyebrows. “Do her cats type clues?”
“Sometimes,” I conceded, “but I’ve been told there are a dozen web sites devoted to Wimple, Dimple, and Doolittle. Their pedigrees, what they prefer to eat, that sort of thing.”
“Wimple, Dimple, and Doolittle? That sounds like a sleazy law firm. Maybe I can persuade them to sue Mrs. McLair for vernal abuse.”
I resumed my glare. “Sherry Lynne Blackstone is considered to be an outstanding practitioner of the American cozy genre. She’s rumored to be gracious, which is more than I can say for certain people.”
Caron looked down at the schedule. “And we have Dilys Knoxwood at two o’clock. What kind of name is Dilys? It sounds so scatty. If I were named Dilys, I’d find myself twirling like a bowlegged ballerina at every opportunity. Inez, you—”
“No,” Inez said with surprising firmness, considering whom she was up against. “I can’t leave in the middle of sixth period. All you have is study hall.”
“Dilys Knoxwood,” I intervened, “writes a very popular series in the classic British tradition. Her books are considered to be the epitome of the genre introduced by Dame Agatha Christie in the nineteen-twenties.”
“There’s nobody with that name on the list,” Inez said, reading over Caron’s shoulder. “I guess she’d be pretty old, like my grandmother. Maybe older. At least we’re not collecting urns at the airport.”
“Okay,” Caron said, “I can deal with this ditzy Dilys creature just so you can take your stupid algebra test. You have to get the next one, though. I’m not about to deal with some guy named Walter Dahl. Who are these people, Mother?”
“His books don’t sell well for me,” I said, “but he receives rave reviews in the literary journals. In my opinion, his characters are so overwhelmed with neuroses that they spend most of their time arguing about the Freudian implications of their motives. I prefer a butler with a well-deserved grudge or a pregnant parlor maid.”
Caron gazed coolly at me, then looked at Inez. “If this guy doesn’t mind hanging around the airport, I could grab him, Dilys, and . . .”—her composure evaporated—”Allegra Cruzetti! Oh my gawd, Inez—Allegra Cruzetti! Can you believe it? Why would she come to Farberville? She’s famous! Did you read her book?”
Inez was blinking at me as though I’d added Moses to the list as an afterthought. “I thought Courting Disaster was the most thrilling book I’ve ever read in my entire life! I had this history paper due the next day, but I started reading and just couldn’t make myself stop. There’s this gorgeous African-American prosecuting attorney, and she’s going after this incredibly handsome guy who may or may not have hacked up his mother, but he convinces her that he has an evil twin brother, and—”
“I read a review,” I said to quell the impending hysteria. “The reviewer found it competent, but that’s about all. Cruzetti hopped on the
bandwagon at the precise moment to garner maximum attention and a Hollywood deal. A year from now, the hot topic will be sociopathic angels.”
“Allegra Cruzetti,” Caron trilled with the ardor of a diva, clutching Inez’s arms in what must have been a painful vise. “Just think what Rhonda Maguire will say when she finds out I picked up Allegra Cruzetti at the airport! She thinks she’s so hot because her father met Carl Sagan at some dumb conference. He never made the best-seller list, did he? Allegra Cruzetti’s been on Oprah. She was on the covers of People and Newsweek. She’s a real author, not some dorky mystery writer. Rhonda will Absolutely Die. Do you think Ms. Cruzetti would mind if we stopped by the high school for a minute? Mrs. McLair’s teeth will fly across the room.”
I held up my hands. “Under no circumstances will you use Allegra Cruzetti to undo whatever damage occurred today in your English class. Your mission on Friday is to collect the authors from the airport and deliver them to the Azalea Inn. On Saturday, you and Inez will be available to drive them back and forth from the campus as they desire. On Sunday, you will take them to the airport, and then help me pack up whatever books are unsold. This is going to be an uneventful convention to celebrate the current popularity of mystery fiction. The atmosphere will be calm and dignified, as befitting the occasion. Nothing will go wrong.”
Caron and Inez wandered away to conceive of ways to utilize Allegra Cruzetti for their own dark purposes. I returned my attention to outstanding bills, sold a few books over the course of the afternoon, and locked the bookstore at a civilized hour.
I was driving home to the duplex across from the campus lawn when it occurred to me to swing by the venerable building known as Old Main, the site of the convention. I’d stockpiled two dozen boxes of books written by the attending authors; locating a convenient place from which to unload them was vital. Visitors’ parking places on the Farber College campus could be as elusive as checks in the mail.
