by M. E. Carter
She doesn’t, though. Instead she and Justin talk about her photography. As soon as the conversation starts, she pulls out her phone to show him pictures. The pride on her face as she shows off her creations makes me smile. I love seeing her feel like she’s good at something besides taking care of smaller people.
“I can see you’re getting better, Mariana.” She beams at his comment. “Do you like doing landscape shots or more portraits.”
“I don’t really know yet. I really like editing landscape shots and making them really stand out, ya know? But I also don’t think I’ve ever taken a bad picture of my kids before,” she brags with a laugh. “Not that I’m biased or anything.”
“There is no such thing as being biased when it comes to how you feel about your kids.” Justin passes the phone back to her. “I have to say, I think photography has been really good for you. It seems to be giving you more confidence.”
“I think you’re right. It gives me a creative outlet, which feels really good. And it gives me the ability to document all kinds of events in my kids’ lives so I almost feel like a better mom. Even though nothing else has really changed.”
“It’s the smallest changes that can sometimes make the biggest impact, you know. I think what you’ve done is allowed yourself to recognize you’re more than just a mom. You have value beyond making sure they stay alive until adulthood. Just the recognition can make a world of difference.”
His words strike me hard and suddenly I realize how much I never provided for her emotional needs while we were married. Never.
“Wait,” I interrupt. “Did you always feel like this when we were married? Like your only value was about what you could do for other people?”
She thinks for a few seconds before answering. “I think… I think, yes. I always felt like that. At least since Myra was born.”
My heart sinks. I know my cheating was the catalyst that broke our marriage apart. I will always be responsible for that. But suddenly I realize, we were already fighting a losing battle. While I was off being “important” and “sought-after,” she was at home feeling worthless.
“How did I never notice that?” I ask myself more than anyone else.
“Santos,” she says, putting her hand on my arm so I’ll look at her. “I don’t think I noticed it either. It was such a gradual thing. Myra was born and life sort of changed. Then Lina came along, and I was so busy with kids I didn’t really have time for anything else. Once Theo came along, I think I was already in bad patterns without realizing it.”
I rub my fingers over my lips absentmindedly. This is such a revelation for me… the knowledge that I was a way shittier husband than I even realized.
“What are you thinking about right now, Santos?” Justin asks. No one else speaks as they wait for me to answer.
“I’m thinking that even if I hadn’t, you know, done the things that I did…” No one needs more of an explanation. My sins have been aired more than enough that there’s no reason to rehash them. “… our marriage was already doomed. I didn’t take care of you emotionally at all.”
“Well, I think doomed is probably a little extreme,” Justin counters. “A woman losing her feelings of self-worth when she becomes a mother isn’t an uncommon problem. So you may have been headed for some rough patches, but I don’t think it would have been the end of your relationship.”
I’m not really sure I believe him.
“I’m sorry, Mari,” I say to her. “I had no idea you felt so badly about yourself.”
“Honestly, Santos,” she responds, “I don’t think I had any idea about it either, so how could you? It sucks that we ended up divorced, but it also sort of forced me to face my own demons that I didn’t really want to know were there. Is it weird that I can kind of see a silver lining to this whole thing?”
“It actually shows how much you pushed past the hurt,” Justin responds. “If you look hard enough in any situation, you can find a silver lining. Lots of times people can never see it though because they’re stuck in the bitterness of it all.”
I nod sadly. “Does that mean you still want me to back off visiting the kids?”
She looks at me quizzically. “Back off visiting the kids? What are you talking about?”
“Well, you said we needed to talk about a few things in therapy. I’m assuming I’ve been coming over too often and you need me to back off so you can heal. Obviously, I’m not very good at reading your emotions, so that’s why we’re here, right? So Justin can help us get through the conversation?”
“Santos,” she says, turning toward me and putting her hand on my arm again. All I can do is look at the floor in front of me as I wait for the news. “I don’t want you to stop coming over.”
I take a chance and look up at her. “You don’t?”
She shakes her head. “No. Actually, it’s kind of the opposite.”
I furrow my brows and look at Justin who doesn’t seem to have any more insight than I do. “I don’t understand.”
She takes a deep breath and plays with the frayed part of her jeans. She looks nervous, which I don’t understand. She holds all the cards in this situation. “Ok, so here’s the thing. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching lately. And I’ve been on a couple of dates.”
My eyebrows shoot up. This is news to me.
“You didn’t know I’d gone on a couple dates?”
I shake my head. “Except for that one a long time ago.”
“Oh. Yeah. I went out with him again.”
My heart sinks while she keeps talking.
“He’s a nice guy and all, but going out with him made me realize something.”
She waits for me to respond, but I don’t want to. I’m afraid of what she’ll say next. She finally gives up and continues.
“I realized that it’s harder to fall out of love with you than I thought.”
My head snaps up so fast, I almost give myself whiplash. “What?”
“Ok, so maybe I’m not still in love with you,” she revises. “Maybe I’ve sort of fallen in love with you… again. With this guy that takes such good care of us, just because he can.”
“I… um…” I’m stunned. So stunned I’m not sure how to respond.
“Look, I know our divorce is final and hell, you might be dating someone. You’re not required to tell me…”
“I’m not dating anyone,” I interject quickly.
“Oh. Well, I mean, you could be playing the field. It’s really none of my business anymore…”
“I’m not sleeping with anyone either.” I know I keep interrupting her, but I can’t help it. I don’t want her to think the worst of me anymore. “I changed careers and cut myself off from everyone who was a part of that life. I told you, I don’t want to be that guy anymore.”
“Oh. Ok.” She looks at her hands that she is now wringing in nervousness. “Well, um… I know we’re divorced and all, but maybe, I mean, if you’re serious about it, maybe we can just, um… I don’t know, like date. A little.”
My heart starts to pound and my breathing picks up. I don’t want to blink because I’m afraid to change this moment, afraid she’ll change her mind.
“Don’t expect a long-term commitment or anything. And I'm not ready for anything physical. Not at all. But if you want to, we can just spend some time together. Without the kids.”
My heart soars. My Mari, my beautiful Mari is in love with me again. She wants to date me. She wants a chance to see if I’m worth taking a risk on again.
“I think,” I say quietly and have to stop to clear the emotion out of my throat. “I think that would be amazing.”
“Yeah?” she asks, her eyes wide.
“Yeah.” I smile at her, but a thought occurs to me. “Are you sure though? I mean, what will your mom say?”
“She’s going to have a lot to say, I’m sure. But the truth is, I don’t have to justify this to anyone except myself. And I don’t want to have to live with myself i
f I never give it a shot. Even if I end up broken again.”
“You won’t end up broken,” I say hastily. “If anyone ends up broken, it will be me. I know I’m not good enough for you, but I’m going to do my best to show you I’m a different man now. A better one. And that I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it.”
She smiles at me with tears in her eyes and nods her head. We have an agreement. We’re going to date.
Best twenty-dollar co-pay I’ve ever paid.
“The house was built in 2001, which is really young for the neighborhood. Now, I know the lots are a little smaller, but that really cuts down on the cost and it means less yard maintenance for you.” I look through the pantry and kitchen cabinets as my realtor, Alice, continues to drone on about the benefits of the home. I’m already sold on it, though. But she doesn’t need to know that yet.
The house is perfect. Four decent-sized bedrooms and two full bathrooms are upstairs, which means I can be close to the kids at night. It also has a game room that will come in handy as the kids get older and more independent. Downstairs boasts a small open-concept kitchen and den area with a small dining room just off the kitchen. Perfect for keeping an eye on the kids while I cook. There’s also a half bathroom and a laundry room. And a small room that’s supposed to be a formal living room, but I’d rather turn it into an office area.
Despite how open and spacious it is inside, from the outside, it resembles a small cottage. I’m pretty sure it was designed that way since the entire neighborhood is surrounded by a white picket fence.
I love this house. It’s perfect.
“The elementary school is just behind the neighborhood. In fact, most kids who live around here just walk to school.”
“It’s lease-to-own, right?”
“It sure is,” Alice confirms with a smile, the corners of her eyes crinkling with at least sixty years’ worth of wear and tear. “The owner moved out of town last week and can’t afford to carry two mortgages. So they’re willing to lease it to someone while they wait for the sale to go through.”
“How soon can we move in?” My lease is coming up quickly at the apartment, and I’d like to get out of there as soon as possible.
“I’ll double check, but I’m sure they’ll pass over the keys as soon as the ink is signed on the mortgage pre-approval paperwork.”
I lean against the kitchen island and look around the room again. It feels comfortable here. Homey. This would be a great place for the kids and I to make a new start. A fresh start. No memories. Nothing tainted. Just love and laughter and healing.
“Can you let them know I’m interested?” Alice nods her head vigorously before I’m done with my statement. “I need to talk to my ex-husband tonight and figure out how we’ll secure the loan with him being in school right now.”
“Your… ex-husband?”
“We have a very… unusual relationship,” I say. I could continue, but I don’t. It’s not her business what we are to each other. It’s just her business to get us in this house. “If you would please let them know that I want the house, I just have to make sure all the details are ironed out before we jump through hoops. I should be able to put an offer in by noon tomorrow.”
Alice seems to have recovered from her shock about Santos being involved and is smiling and nodding once again. “Yes, yes of course I’ll let them know. They’ll be thrilled.”
“Well, I’m thrilled, too. I knew what I was hoping for, but this is so much better.”
“I will call them as soon as we’re done here and then tomorrow, if I don’t hear from you by noon, I’ll give you a call and see where we’re at. Will that work?”
“Perfect,” I say as I look around one more time. It really, really is.
“If you want spaghetti, move your forks out of your bowls, everybody,” I say, as I carry the pot of noodles to the table, ready to dish it out. They immediately scramble to get the silverware back on the table and at least one bowl falls on the floor in the process. Thankfully, Santos is there to snatch it up and put it back so I can get this done quickly. It may be faster to serve this way, but my arm will never have the strength to make it easy.
“Juice or milk?” Santos asks me, as he leans into the fridge.
“Milk. They’ve had too much juice today already.”
The sauce is divvied out and the kids dig in, giggling as they suck noodles into their mouth one at a time. Except for Theo. He’s content just shoveling it in.
Once Santos and I have everyone situated, we sit down to eat with them. It’s one of the few times over the last year that I’ve actually sat down during a meal, and I know it’s because there are two of us working together instead of it just being me doing it all.
I admit, I enjoy it.
“I went and looked at a house today.” I look up through my lashes at Santos, gauging his reaction. I didn’t tell him I was house hunting, so I’m not sure what he’s going to say. Actually, I didn’t really know that I was house hunting until I happened to see this particular house.
He chews his bite of spaghetti and swallows, not taking his eyes off me. “What did you think?”
“I love it,” I breathe. We spend the next twenty minutes eating dinner, cleaning up messes, answering a lot of “why” questions from the girls, and talking about the house.
I tell him about the bedrooms and the open kitchen. I tell him about the smaller yard and the school behind the neighborhood. And then I tell him the price.
“That’s it?”
I nod. “And it’s a lease-to-own, so as long as I can get approved for a loan, we can move in at the beginning of the month.”
“Are you going to do it?”
“Well…” I say sheepishly. This is the part I’m not sure about. “I need your help. If you’re willing to help me.”
“Of course. What do you need me to do?”
“I haven’t worked since college. I won’t qualify for a loan.”
“So you want me to buy the house.”
“Just co-sign with me,” I say quickly. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I totally get that. But you know I’m good for all the bills. Even if something were to happen to you, I have the savings to fall back on. I’m not at all worried about being able to afford it. I’m just worried about getting in.”
He sits back in his chair and scratches the scruff on his jaw. I know I’m asking a lot of him. It may just be too much. I just don’t know any other way to go about getting out of this apartment if he won’t co-sign. My mother is retired. She won’t qualify either. And yes, Santos is in school, but his tax records will still show stable employment. Mine won’t show any at all.
“Why don’t we just pay for it outright?”
My jaw drops. “Cash?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a nice idea, but I know how much we both have in savings, or at least how much we each started out with. It would deplete everything. With you not working for the next year…” I shake my head. There’s no way it’ll work.
“You don’t remember how much we’re making off the current house, do you?”
I think back to the conversation we had about numbers right after we got divorced. Things were so emotionally heightened back then, I don’t remember a lot of it. But I do remember that.
“You were serious? We have that much equity?”
“I’m the math major remember?” he teases. “We had saved for so long we made a huge down payment during a buyer’s market. The market has swung and now it’s a seller’s market, so already the value has gone up. Not to mention, up until we separated, we were making double payments every month. We shaved off something like fifteen years’ worth of interest that way.”
“But Santos, that’s your money. I don’t want to take your money. Especially with you being in school.”
“Mari, it’s the money that’s going to provide for our kids one way or another. If you don’t have a mortgage payment, we can modify the support order if you
want. But I told you from the beginning… I don’t give a shit about the money.”
“I wonder if I’d qualify for a smaller loan if we put that much down. And, of course, we’d draw something up to make sure you are covered legally if something were to happen to me.”
He waves me off. “If something were to happen to you, it would all go to the kids anyway. I’m not worried. But you don’t need to take a loan. Like I said, we can buy it outright.”
“Well, the equity certainly helps. But to take that much out of savings, it just makes me nervous to not have much to fall back on.”
He grabs his beer bottle and fiddles with the label. “I don’t think we’ll need to dip into savings at all. I got a call from Tio Jose today.”
“Oh yeah?” I ask, not understanding the change in subjects. “What did he have to say?”
“Not much. Until he reminded me that he’s the executor of Abuela’s estate.”
My eyebrows shoot up. His grandmother’s estate was settled several years ago. Or so we thought. At first, Santos’s mother had made a huge stink. Abuela had three kids, but raised Santos from the time he was a baby. So instead of the estate being split three ways, she had set up her will to split it four ways.
Abuela’s other two kids saw no problem with this. As far as they were concerned, Santos was her youngest child and deserved to be treated that way. Santos’s mother, however, didn’t agree. She contested it all in court until she ran out of money or attorneys who would work with her. Maybe she lost focus. No one ever knew why she finally dropped it and went about her business, but no one really cared, either. She wasn’t a nice woman and hadn’t been for a long time, from what we understand. She was selfish and spiteful and bitter. The best thing she ever did for Santos was leave him with his grandmother. Not that she did it out of love for him. It had never really come up again once it was all over, but I knew her hateful behavior toward him really stung.
“What did he say?”
