by Natalie Ward
“Okay, we’ll be waiting at the station for you,” I say, dropping the washcloth as I give up on cleaning Lucia’s face and we both walk back out to the kitchen. She hops back into her chair and starts eating her pancakes again. I sit opposite her, still on the phone with Evie.
As I watch my daughter though, my heart aches for how much I miss my wife right now, how much I wish she were here with us, sharing this moment. Even though she’s found me again and it’s happened quicker than it ever has before, I still miss her like crazy. And it’s not just her; it’s all the little things too. The things she should never have to miss out on. Like making pancakes for her daughter for breakfast.
“Evie,” I say, knowing as much as I want that, it can’t happen right now. But there is something else I can give her.
“Yeah?” comes her voice.
I smile. “I love you, baby, so much.”
“I love you too, Ben,” she says, and I know she’s smiling too.
“I’ll see you soon,” I whisper.
As the line goes dead, I put my phone on the table and take a sip of tea. Lucia sits across from me, trying to eat her pancakes and oblivious to everything that’s happened this morning. To everything this means for us.
Despite her noticing Evie’s absence this morning, now that it’s worked, I’m not sure if we’ll ever need to tell her what happens to her momma every four years. It’s not ever going to affect her like it did me and I just don’t know if I want that burden to be placed on her.
Plus, it’s always been our secret and as much as neither of us wanted it, it has been ours.
“Shit,” I breathe out as I sink back into my chair and this morning’s events hit me. It’s really fucking worked. I won’t ever have to wait for Evie again. Ever.
Smiling, I reach over and grab the letter I started last night after she disappeared. I told her I’d add to it when she called me this morning.
And that’s exactly what I do.
4:06 pm - 29 February 2012
Late in the afternoon I finally get a text, from what I now know is Evie’s new number, letting me know what time she’s getting in. Her train has been constantly delayed, the bad weather forcing me to wait longer than I should have to for her to come back home.
I’ve spent most of the day playing with Lucia. I made sure I wasn’t working because I didn’t want to have to find someone to look after her and I also wanted to be here when this all worked. It’s something I’ll keep doing now I know it’s only ever going to take Evie waking up to remember me.
God, I still can’t believe it’s really worked. As much as I thought it would, as much as I hoped, there was always still a part of me that was never going to believe it until it actually happened. It still feels surreal, even now.
“Baby girl,” I say, walking into the living room where she’s sitting on the floor playing with some toys. “You want to go and get Momma?” I ask.
A huge smile breaks out on Lucia’s face and she claps her hands together as she squeals, “Yes!”
I grin at her, picking her up and throwing her up in the air. She giggles as I do, asking for more the second I catch her. I throw her a few more times before I sling her over my shoulder, holding her arms out wide as though she’s an airplane, and carry her into her bedroom to get her ready.
She’s been asking me all day, when is Evie coming home. Unlike this morning when she first woke up and I had no clue when that would be; now I can finally tell her. Who knows if we’ll ever explain all of this to her, but for now, all she needs to know is that Evie is coming back.
I spin her off my shoulders until she’s standing on the floor, patiently waiting while I bundle her up into a coat, hat and mittens. She looks fucking adorable all dressed up like this and I can’t resist pulling out my phone and taking a picture of her. When she grabs her blanket to come with us, I laugh as I ask her, “You really want to bring this Lucy-Lu?”
She looks up at me and for a second I think she’s going to leave it. But then she smiles and nods her head at me, holding out her arm, her tiny hand waiting for mine. I smile as I pick her up and press a kiss to her cheek, loving the sound of laughter that comes as a result.
I love my daughter, so fucking much; sometimes it’s hard to believe. I love my wife too, but that’s always been a different kind of love. A love that feels like I can’t breathe, like I’d do anything and everything to have her. Maybe it’s because I’ve had to wait for her so many times, I don’t know. With Lucia though, it’s more like a love that’s filled with constant amazement. When I look at her, all I see is half of me and half of Evie, and all of that is wrapped up in this perfect package that is our daughter.
Lucia and I eventually head outside and walk towards the tube station. She’s sitting on my shoulders, trying to catch the first of the snowflakes that have finally started to fall. The weather has turned since we left home and it looks like it could really snow any second. It’s not too cold out yet, the blanket of clouds doing their part to keep us warm.
I have a coat for Evie though, just in case she doesn’t have one. I actually have no idea what she’ll have or what she’ll bring back with her. Usually it’s nothing, just some clothes, occasionally something from her new apartment or house or wherever she lives. Once she brought Lucia back with her, but that was something else entirely.
It’s always been one of the weirdest parts of this whole thing for me. Trying to picture what Evie’s other life looks like. I’ve never really been a part of them, except when we were kids I guess, but even then it was very limited. I never really got to know any of her parents or spent any time at her house. Most of the time we were playing outside or she was over at my place. Only occasionally would I ever interact with her family and sometimes that wasn’t in a good way.
Now she’s older, when she wakes up in another house, with a different name and a different life, she’s always alone. Sure she has a family somewhere, but generally speaking, she never bothers to get to know them. It may sound callous, but when she doesn’t really know anything about them and we both know they will only disappear in four years, it just seems like a waste of time. Her brother Nick was obviously the exception to that, and losing him was hard for both of us.
Thankfully, in all of these alternate lives she’s had, she’s never woken up with a different husband. I’m not sure how I’d handle that. Actually I do, I wouldn’t handle it at all. It’s always been something that floats in the back of my mind though, terrifying me with the possibility. What if one day she woke up and there was another man in bed with her?
“Dadda?” Lucia asks, distracting me as I flip her off my shoulders and hold her in my arms so we can head down into the tube station.
“Yes, baby girl?” I ask.
“When Momma is home,” she says, her tiny hands clasped together as she looks up at me. “Will she stay?”
I smile as I press a kiss to her red cheek, blowing a raspberry so she laughs. “Yes Lucy-Lu,” I say. “She will always stay with us,” I say as I start tickling her. My daughter dissolves into laughter again, her small body wriggling in my arms.
We take the tube to St Pancreas, heading up to the main station to check the board for Evie’s arrival time. The train is now three hours late and to say those three hours have dragged, is an understatement. It’s like time has been torturing me all day. As though it wants to remind me that although we’ve found a way to beat this, it can still fuck with us if it wants to.
We still have thirty minutes until her train arrives and when I glance at the time, I realise it’s Lucia’s dinner time. “You hungry, baby girl?” I ask her. She’s still in my arms, her wide eyes looking at everything that’s going on around us, as though she somehow expects Evie to materialise any second now. “Momma will be a few more minutes, okay?” I say, trying to reassure her.
Those big blue eyes turn back to me and I can’t help but smile at her. She nods her head and we turn and walk into the nearby Costa to grab something to
eat.
After I’ve got Lucia her snack and myself a coffee, we walk towards the platform Evie’s train will be coming in at. There are loads of people around, probably due to the delays, but I manage to snag a spot close to the gates. I don’t buy a ticket so we can wait on the platform, but we’re close enough that I’ll be able to see her the second she steps off the train.
A distant whistle sounds and I press a kiss to Lucia’s cheek as I say, “That’s her train, baby, you ready?”
She sits up in my arms, her tiny body leaning forward as she watches the tunnel, waiting for the train to pull in. It feels like it takes forever, but eventually the slow chug comes to a standstill and when the doors open, people start filing out onto the platform.
I scan the sea of bodies, not knowing what Evie will be wearing or how different she might look today. I can’t see her anywhere, but just as I’m about to do another sweep of the people coming towards us, I spot her. And when I do, it just hits me all over again. How much I love her, how much I want and need her. Everything. It’s like a blow to the chest, punching me hard as if I need reminding, when it’s something I can never possibly forget.
I watch as she steps out from one of the middle carriages. She hasn’t seen us yet, even though I can see her eyes already sifting through the crowd, even before she’s stepped off the train.
“Look, baby girl,” I say, pointing to where Evie now runs down the platform. “There she is.”
I watch as Lucia’s face lights up, the huge smile that breaks out as her eyes lock onto Evie and watch her. I turn to where she looks and as I do, Evie finally notices us, a smile on her face too as she runs towards the gate.
With Lucia still in my arms, I walk towards her and the second she passes through; she’s in my arms. I pull her close so her body is flush with mine, hugging her tightly. My heart is pounding in my chest as I bury my face in her hair and finally let out the breath I think I’ve been holding all day.
It’s finally fucking worked.
This whole moment feels surreal; completely different to every other time we’ve been reunited. Some of those were accidents, especially when we were kids. One was as easy as her rolling over in bed, the lucky leap year when she didn’t disappear at all. This is the third time it’s happened at a train station. The first was bittersweet; finally seeing her after so long, only to lose her again so quickly. The second time was amazing, because she didn’t just bring herself back to me, but our daughter too. This time though, this one takes the cake, because not only are the three of us finally together again, but we know that it’s all really over now.
There will never be a time when I have to wait for her.
Evie eventually pulls back and I can’t resist leaning in and kissing her, feel her smile against my lips. “Hey, baby,” I say, as I pull back. “Miss me?”
Evie laughs, her fingers gripping my hips. “Always,” she answers, taking Lucia, who is still hanging off her, from my arms. I watch as Evie kisses our daughter and Lucia snuggles against her, my pounding heart practically exploding through my ribs.
No matter what’s happened between us, no matter all of the separations we’ve had to endure; the heartache, the hurt and the pain. All of it has been worth it for this. Every single second has been worth it to reach this one moment in time, right now.
And if there was ever a moment when I wanted to stop time, this would be one of them. When I’m with my two girls, who I love more than anything else in the world.
As the platform starts to clear, I sling an arm around Evie’s shoulder and pull her close as we walk out of the station and towards the tube. Evie is carrying Lucia, and I notice she has a notepad stuck under her arm and a bag over one shoulder. I take the bag from her and slide it over my shoulder as I ask, “What’s that?” nodding at the notepad.
Evie looks up at me and smiles. “An ending,” she says. “I think I finally found a way to finish it.”
I smile at her, knowing she’s talking about the book she’s been writing. The one I told her to write because everything that’s happened to her, all of it’s important and all of it needs to be written down and remembered. She’s never let me read it before, which is okay, but I know she’s struggled with it, doubting herself and worrying about what I’ll think when I finally do take a look.
But she isn’t the only one who’s been writing things down and she isn’t the only one who’s found an ending today. Now that she’s back, now that I know this is all really over, I can finally give her the letters. I always planned to do it at some point, I just wanted it to be at a time when I knew this was finished, when I knew I’d never have to write another letter to her again.
And as I lean in and press a soft kiss to her lips and whisper, “Let’s go home.” I know that time is now.
I’m going to give her everything. I’m going to tell her my story now, because I’m never going to have to wait for her again.
29 Feb 2012
Dear Evie,
So, it’s just past midnight and I’m sitting here in our living room writing this last letter to you. I won’t finish it tonight, because I know when you ring me tomorrow morning, I’ll need to add to it. But I wanted to start it now.
Firstly, baby, I want to tell you that I miss you already. I know it’s only been ten minutes since you left, but already, I miss you so much. I can’t help it.
Secondly, Lucia is still here. I told you she would be, and she is. But…well I can admit it now - I was just as scared as you were, Evie. I didn’t want to say it out loud before, because I wanted you to believe that I knew she would stay, that we wouldn’t lose her and that I could look after and protect her, just like I promised I’d do for you. But I didn’t really know what was going to happen and there was a part of me that was terrified she would go too. I don’t know what I would’ve done if that had happened; losing you both would have been too much to bear. But she’s still here and I know now, she always will be.
Just like I know you’ll be back tomorrow. This is going to work for us this time. I know it. Yes, I’m scared it won’t, of course I am. This never gets any easier for me, you know. Watching you go, never knowing when you’re coming back, knowing you don’t remember me when you’re gone. It fucking terrifies me, Evie, it always has. I feel so helpless without you, knowing you have no idea who or where I am. But I have to believe that this time, it will work. It has to. We deserve it to work.
I’ve tried so many different ways to find you, you know. I never really told you about them because none of them have worked. I felt like an idiot for not being able to find a way to hang on to you or to make you stay, but I always kept trying because I never want to lose you. It was stupid of me not to just find a way to make you remember. If only we’d thought about this earlier.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that this will be my last letter to you. You won’t understand what I mean by that yet, but you will. I’ve got so many more to give you, so many things to tell you, and to show you. But this is the last time I’ll have to write them down, because I know I won’t have to wait for you anymore.
I’ll see you tomorrow, baby, I promise. It’s going to work…
I love you,
Ben x
P.S. Guess what?? I’ve just hung up the phone. It’s 8am on the 29 February and I’ve just hung up the fucking phone. With you! I told you it would work, god I wish we’d thought of this sooner. You woke up in Scotland, which is the furthest you’ve ever gone, but you’re on your way back to me right now. I’m picturing you in a taxi, heading to the train station, buying a one-way ticket to London, before taking a seat by the window, and coming home. To us.
Then I’m picturing you naked, Evie…naked for a very long time.
I can’t wait to see you. I know it’s only been eight hours since you left and I’m going to see you in another five, but god, I miss you. Lucia misses you too. You not being here was the first thing she noticed this morning. I hate that she misses you and I hate that you ha
ve to miss out on things with her. It doesn’t seem fair to either of you.
It’s weird what separation does to someone, isn’t it? Separation that you can’t control and can’t stop. Certainly can’t explain. I don’t think anyone can ever possibly understand what we go through every time this happens. You can never know how this feels until you experience it for yourself. And I’ll tell you, it’s never fun, no matter how short or expected the separation is.
But…we’ve found a way to make it work now, and now we will never be apart for longer than it takes for you to wake up and come home to me. And as much as I’d love to not worry about you going every four years. As much as I’d love to wake up beside you every single morning, this, the way it will always be from now on, well, I can live with this.
You’re coming home.
To me.
P.P.S. I’m going to explain all of this. I know you’re probably wondering why I wrote this, why you’re reading letters from me when I’m probably sitting right beside you right now. But this, Evie, this is the answer to a question you once asked me. You once asked me what I did when you were gone. I told you I waited. That is the truth, Evie, I do wait. But the part I didn’t tell you is that I miss you too. I miss you like crazy. I miss talking to you. I miss knowing what you’re thinking about, how you’re feeling, or what you’re doing. I miss telling you what I’m doing or what I’m thinking about. I just miss being with you, baby. So fucking much.
So the full answer to your question about what I do when you’re gone…I wait, I miss you, and I write to you. I write to you because it’s the only way I know how to talk to you when you’re not here. These are all the letters I’ve ever written to you, Evie, every single one of them. I want you to read them now. I want you to know all the things I couldn’t tell you when you weren’t here, all the things I was feeling. I want you to know everything. But, and this is something I’m not proud of, you probably won’t like everything you read in here. Please just remember, back then, every time I wrote these letters, I didn’t know if I was ever going to see you again. I didn’t know if you’d ever find your way back to me or I’d ever get to call you mine again. You know the truth, Evie, you know everything that happened when we were apart. There are no secrets between us, but hearing about something and living through it are two very different things. I just hope you can understand things when you see them through my eyes. You’re seeing them at the time they happened.
