Fuck, this isn’t good.
“Who is the other one?” I finally ask with a chin lift in the other guy’s direction. I smirk at him while the guy gives me a sly smile. That’s right, buddy, this is going to happen.
“That’s Noah,” she answers. “Gabe, can you go inside and get my car keys? Mr. Mackenzie is coming to get his dry cleaning.”
I watch as Gabe runs inside to get the keys.
“Mom, can I have a willy chocolate?” Rachel tugs at her skirt while she asks me the question.
“No, you cannot have a willy chocolate. We are going to eat in a minute.” She turns and storms inside.
“This is not good for anyone. You must be Asshat.” I point to him. “You’ve poked the bear now.” I don’t say anything else since he turns and follows Lauren inside. I turn to Noah. “So, how you doing?” I say in my best Joey Tribbiani voice.
His voice comes out smooth. “It’s looking up now. I’m really hoping it’s going to look up more tonight.” He winks at me, and my knees go weak, and I really wish I didn’t wear that bra.
When I start to drag my eyes up and down, taking him all in while I lick my lips like a Cheshire cat, I hear Rachel yelling, “Daddy, look, a willy.”
“Fuck, this just got interesting. The ex is here,” I say, staring at the gate where Jake just walked in and is kissing Rachel’s head.
Chapter Five
Noah
I wave goodbye to the blonde standing at her door wearing her pink kimono and nothing else as I am pulling away from the curb. I turn on the music, but it’s not on long before I see a call coming in from Austin.
“Go for Ho,” I say to him.
“Where are you at eight a.m. on a Sunday?” he asks me.
“That you even ask this makes me question how well you know me.”
“Fuck off. You can go a Saturday without having sex and your dick won’t fall off. You know this, right?”
Is he serious with this question?
“I don’t even know who you are right now. I think the problem is that you haven’t used your dick since Lauren fucked your balls up.”
“My balls became the fucking size of watermelons. That shit was not funny.”
I burst out laughing. “Dude, they were not pretty. I thought they’d explode and you’d have just your testicles left on the floor.”
“You better have deleted those fucking pictures that I saw you take.”
“Delete them? Fuck, it’s my screen saver at work and on my phone. I might get a T-shirt made with that image.”
“You’re an asshole.”
I smirk at his insult.
“I’ve been called much, much worse,” I inform him. I mean, just last week I was called a cocksucker, which is totally not true, because I will not be sucking any cock at any time. Ever.
“Anyway, brunch, pick me up at noon,” he demands.
“You live next door now. Can’t you walk over?” He moved in within two weeks of seeing the house. It was so fast and came almost furnished, so he was in within a day.
“Fine, I’ll walk over at noon. Be ready.”
“Later, princess.” I disconnect the call as soon as I arrive home, pulling my car into the garage. At noon he knocks on the door, opening it, and coming in before I have a chance to make it downstairs.
“Let’s go. We’ll take my car,” he yells from downstairs.
I run my hand through my still damp hair before walking downstairs.
“You’re so antsy today.” I look at him as he bounces on the heels of his feet. I follow him out, getting inside and leaning my head back, closing my eyes.
When we show up in front of a house, that is when Austin fills me in.
“Where the fuck are we? I thought you said we were going to brunch.” I look over at all the white picket fence houses.
“Yeah, pit stop first. I have to pick up my dry cleaning at Lauren’s,” he tells me, getting out of the car.
Once we make our way around her house, I ask him, “Why are we at her house?”
“She’s having a brunch.” He shrugs. “I may have sent her some penis decorations,” he says to me before walking to the fence at the side of the house.
The first thing I see are all the balloons. Fuck, my hand goes to my mouth. “Holy shit, she is going to cut your dick off with dental floss,” I say before he knocks on the gate and walks into the backyard.
Austin stops in his tracks, mid-step. I almost run into him when I see that it isn’t just a small brunch, but there are about fifteen or so people scattered around the yard.
“Holy shit,” I whisper, looking at Lauren. “Dude, I think she’s going to cry.”
Austin’s eyes snap straight to Lauren.
But I’m not looking at Lauren anymore. In my eyesight is the blonde standing next to her. She’s a knockout. Actually, that isn’t even a good enough word for her. She is breathtaking. Her blond hair moves a bit with the wind. Her blue eyes are almost like the Caribbean ocean that you want to plunge into. I can’t stop looking at her. I don’t even hear what Lauren and Austin are talking about. Instead, I watch the woman, who finally looks over at me. I’m about to say something to her when I hear something about a chocolate willy.
“No, you cannot have a willy chocolate. We are going to eat in a minute.” She turns and storms inside.
“This is not good for anyone. You must be Asshat.” She points to him. “You’ve poked the bear now.”
I don’t say anything else since he turns and follows Lauren inside.
The blonde turns to me. “So, how you doing?” she says in her best Joey Tribbiani voice.
That she is trying to use the best line to ever be said I smirk thinking I might have found my soul mate. Okay, maybe my sex mate, for the night. “It’s looking up now. I’m really hoping it’s going to look up more tonight.” I wink at her and smile.
When she starts to drag her eyes up and down my body while she licks her lips like I’m her next meal, my cock suddenly starts to stir, wanting out.
I hear Rachel yelling, “Daddy, look, a willy.”
“Fuck, this just got interesting. The ex is here,” she says, looking at the gate where a man just walked in and is kissing Rachel’s head. “I better go save Austin and warn Lauren.” She walks away.
I watch her ass sway from side to side. I look down at my hands. Yup, definitely a good fit. I run after her as she closes the back door.
She’s about to knock on the door when we hear Lauren’s voice go high.
“Didn’t you get your revenge already? You penis-bombed my parents’ anniversary party!”
I move behind the blonde and notice that her head goes up to my lips. My hands go directly to her hips. Her head turns to the side. “I want to hear what they are saying.”
She just smiles at me and I’m feeling my hard cock against her back.
“Should I bend over so you can put your ear to the door?”
Fuck me, I think I just jazzed in my pants.
I pull her even closer to me. “You bend over and there will be one more penis added to this party.” I’m about to lean forward and kiss her when I hear Austin finally yell back.
“You made my balls swell to the size of fucking grapefruits. I thought they were going to explode.”
I laugh at that.
“They were fucking huge. I have the pictures to show. Lauren was a pain in his balls, that’s for sure.”
She leans into the front of my chest.
“I did no such thing.” She tries to deny weakly. “But this, this... You pushed it too far.”
“How about we call a truce?” Austin tries to plead. “I don’t think I can take any more. I almost died, and my testicles almost exploded.”
“Fine,” she complies.
“Truce.” I hear whispered.
“You think they’re fucking in there?” We both lean into the door to hear.
“My sister wouldn’t fuck with a party in her house.”
“That’s a
shame. Is this a family trait?” I try goading her to see what line she will pass.
“I have no problem having sex with people around.” She winks at me. “I mean, if he was really, really worth it.”
This woman will be the death of me, or I might faint from all my blood going straight to my cock. Which is as hard as a marble statue.
She lifts her hand to knock on the door. “Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt, but, um, Jake is here.”
The door unlocks, swinging open with Lauren standing there with a pink tint to her cheeks and Austin has his hand rubbing his neck.
“What do you mean, Jake is here? Why is Jake here?” she asks with her voice rising with each question.
“Hi”—the woman pushes Lauren aside—“I’m Kaleigh, her favorite sister,” she introduces herself.
“She’s my only sister, and she will be homeless in a second if she doesn’t get out of my way.” Lauren’s voice is angry.
I chuckle behind her. Lauren turns and points at me. “You, if I find out you helped him, it’s going to be on,” she hisses and leans in closer to me when she continues, “like Donkey Kong.” And then she walks away.
“What the fuck does she mean, like Donkey Kong?” I turn to Kaleigh, looking for an answer.
“Oh, I was on that list only once”—she leans in closer to me—“and I begged and cried to get off of it.” She looks at Austin then back at me. “It was like living in that movie The Shining, but worse.”
I feel my face pale at that little tidbit of information.
I point at Austin. “If I get it like Donkey Kong, I’m going to put the pictures of your swollen, abnormally large testicles on a billboard in Times Square,” I threaten him, while Kaleigh just watches us.
“Who the fuck is Jake?” Austin finally asks.
“Her ex. This should be fun,” Kaleigh claims, walking away from us.
“You took a picture of my nuts?” he asks when Lauren storms out.
I shake my head at him. “No, I took a burst of shots of your nuts.” Then I walk out, following Kaleigh. My dick leads the way to her. He hasn’t even met her yet he’s already on radar for her.
“What are you doing here?” I hear Lauren ask a guy who must be Jake.
While I take in the scene, I turn my head, catching one of the waiters passing around some canapés. I also grab champagne from another tray.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I hear Austin hiss at my side while he watches Lauren and her ex.
“I’m eating and drinking,” I say, showing him my full hands. “I mean, this is a party. You did bring me to a party.” I finish off the food. “You should try those mushroom things. They are really good,” I say, finishing off the champagne and signaling the waiter for more. I grab another glass. “Did the ex leave?” I ask Austin as I drain my second glass.
“Yeah, he came to get the kids and forgot it was the party. Guy looks like a douche,” Austin says.
Kaleigh informs Lauren that we are sitting at their table.
“They aren’t staying,” Lauren says before she turns around, heading inside.
“Oh, come now, Lauren. That would be rude,” Dede chides. “You can sit at our table.” She turns to Frank. “Let’s go sit down, honey.”
Once everyone is seated, I look around our table. It’s Kaleigh, Frank, Dede, Lauren, Austin, and Josh, who I found out is a doctor and bears a striking resemblance to Newman from Seinfeld.
He sits next to Lauren, standing up when she gets to the table and pushing her chair in. She looks over at him and smiles. I watch all this take place and then see the tic in Austin’s neck start to throb.
He grabs his glass of wine and downs it in one gulp. “Slow down there, slugger. We don’t want you flying off on one of those penis balloons,” I whisper in his ear while he glares at me.
“So,” Josh starts, looking at Lauren. “I hear congratulations are in order. You’re back in the work force now.” He continues in that annoyingly nasal voice of his, “How does this weekend sound?” He blushes and looks down at his hands. What a putz.
“Oh, um, she can’t do it this weekend,” Kaleigh answers for Lauren. “She’s having her bikini area waxed and styled,” she explains, nodding her head.
“What?” He looks confused.
“Well”—Kaleigh leans in and whispers—“it’s like the Amazon down there.”
I spit water from my mouth, almost fucking choking while their mother puts her hand to her mouth and Lauren throws her fork down on the plate, the clatter hushing the whispers at our table.
“Kaleigh,” she grates out, her jaw ticking.
“What?” she asks. “Was it a secret?” She shrugs. “So sorry.” She brings her glass of wine to her mouth in an attempt to hide her smirk.
My eyes shoot to each of them like I’m watching a tennis match.
“Dear,” Lauren’s mother questions, “are you okay? Is this procedure normal?” She gives her daughter a look filled with concern.
“Mom—” Lauren starts before she is cut off by her father.
“Lauren, it’s been a while since Jake left. Maybe if you”—he gestures with his hand in a circle and his finger sliding in and out—“you won’t be so stressed.”
She slams her hands on the table, the glasses clinking and rocking with the force of it. “I’m not having any hair removal procedures done, because it is not necessary. Can we please just—” This time, she is cut off by her mother.
“So, you’ve had sex since Jake?” Dede asks her, a smile on her face. “This is so good to hear.” She claps her hands together then leans over and puts her hand on Lauren’s. “I thought you had that glow about you.”
“I’m going to the bathroom,” Lauren excuses herself as she gets up and points to Kaleigh. “You”—she growls—“come with me.”
“Oh,” Kaleigh replies, completely unperturbed, “I’m good. I don’t need to go. I’ll just wait here. Keep the guests entertained.”
“Not a word. Or else Donkey Kong,” she promises before she storms off.
“So,” Dede starts, turning to Austin. “How long have you two been dating?” She looks at him and then at the door Lauren just walked through.
Kaleigh laughs. “Oh, they aren’t dating, Mom. He’s her boss,” she helpfully points out. “He sent all these penis balloons.”
Frank looks over at Austin. “You sent all these balloons and ruined all her hard work?” he asks.
“Um, sir, if I could just explain.” Before Austin can say anything else, Frank puts up his hand to stop him.
“I like you,” he declares right before someone clinks their glass and the speeches start.
I put my hand around Kaleigh’s chair while my thumb rubs her exposed shoulder. I lean in to whisper in her ear, “So since we are talking about bikini waxes and everything, will I need a machete?”
She puts her shoulder into my arm, fitting there perfectly. “No machete needed. You see, I have a very well-manicured lawn.” She raises her eyebrows at me.
“We should have a picnic. I heard eating well-manicured lawns can fill up a person.”
Her cheeks pinked.
“I’ve never eaten manicured lawn before, but I have eaten some pretty good sausages.” She bites my ear, making me almost groan, but then Austin kicks my chair to get my attention.
My eyebrows shoot up when Austin says urgently, “Gotta go,” then glances over at Lauren, who is coming straight for us like a bull and Austin is the one waving the red cape. “Now would be good.”
He throws his napkin on the plate in front of him. “This has been fun,” he murmurs, trying to escape.
“Running off so early, guys?” she sing-songs as she comes up behind us. The way she says it, even my balls are inverted.
“We intruded,” Austin says. “Thank you for having us. Dede, Frank, I wish you many more years of happiness.” We rush out on a wave, out the side gate.
“Run,” Austin says the minute the gate closes behind us, and he doesn’t
have to tell me twice.
“What the fuck just happened? I didn’t even get Kaleigh’s number,” I whine, getting in the car, not even buckling in before he races away.
“I may have had male strippers show up,” he says, looking into his side-view mirror.
I turn my head, seeing about twelve men all getting into a big bus of sorts. “Yup, you’ve done pissed off the fucking Donkey Kong. She’s going to rain down on you. I suggest you run, move, and don’t look back.” I buckle myself in. “Oh, and don’t tell me where you’re going because I’ll fucking tell her.” I grab my cock in my hands. “She’s not getting next to my pride and joy.”
“She’ll be fine.”
I laugh at him. “You think?” I shake my head. “You have no idea.”
Chapter Six
Kaleigh
I don’t know what is going on, but one second I’m talking about eating sausages on my manicured lawn and the next Lauren is storming across the lawn and Austin and Noah are running away.
I get up. “What did I miss?” I look back and forth from the gate where it just slammed and to my sister.
“The entire cast of Thunder From Down Under just arrived.” She looks around to see if the guests are okay.
I get up, raising my skirt a little bit to show off more leg. “Where? Are they inside? Shit, do I look okay?” I fluff my hair.
“Kaleigh,” she whisper-hisses, “they aren’t here anymore. I sent them away.”
I groan and slam one hand on the table. “Why? Why would you do that?” I get up and run to the side gate to see if they’re still in the driveway. “Buzz kill,” I call her as I pick up Rachel. “Can you protect me from Mommy?” I whisper in her ear before blowing kisses in her neck while Lauren sits down and starts her meal of wine.
The rest of the afternoon goes by without any further penis-related incidents. All cupcakes have been consumed, minus the penis cake toppers that Lauren removed before serving them.
Once everyone has left, Lauren plops down into her chair and throws her feet up on the one Austin sat in. “That was fun, right?” I ask, grabbing a strawberry.
“You told people I had a strange excessive hair issue on my hoo-ha that required a complicated bikini wax and styling.” She glares at me.
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