I place my phone down. “Then let’s buckle down and get this contract in order,” I say, taking off my jacket and rolling up my sleeves. “It’s go time.”
I don’t know how long I’m at it, but when the phone rings and buzzes near my hand my head snaps up. I see Austin’s dick greet me. I laugh to myself each time. It’s still funny.
“Yeah,” I say, putting the phone to my ear and circling something that needs to be changed.
“I need you to come and bring me to the impound lot!” Austin yells, but I can barely hear him. Some music is playing in the background. “Shut the fuck up!” he yells.
“Dude, where are you? Are you at the Disney store?” I ask him, looking at my watch, seeing it’s almost two p.m.
“I’m in Lauren’s school bus. She didn’t pay my tickets and now my car has been impounded.”
“See Donkey Kong.”
“I don’t have the time nor the patience to deal with you today. Just come and pick me up.” He blows out a long breath. “This fucking song.”
“What is that?” I ask him.
“Who the fuck knows? The CD is stuck inside and this chick is so fucking angry yet she wants to let it go,” he says, his voice rising higher when she belts out Let it Go at the top of her lungs.
“Okay, I’ll swing by at four so we can get to the yard before it closes.”
He doesn’t even say bye. He just disconnects with a string of curse words. I press the button on my desk phone, asking Norma to have a sandwich delivered. She walks in right away with a brown paper bag.
“This was delivered two hours ago by a tall blonde,” she says, coming to the desk and putting it in front of me.
“What?” I get up, going to the door. “Why didn’t you let me know?”
She smiles at me. “She left it with Samantha, the new receptionist.” She walks to me, tapping my shoulder. “She left a note on the bag.” She walks off while I run back to my desk and see the bag.
Hope you have a baa day! And she drew a sheep. I toss my head back and laugh, opening it up. I find another note. I usually don’t buy meat, but I liked holding your meat! Bhahah.
I sit down and take out the hoagie she left. It’s got every single meat you can think of and it’s the best sandwich I’ve ever eaten.
I send her a quick text.
Thanks for holding my meat.
I wait for her to answer but nothing comes through. By the time I finish eating and finalize the file for Sal, I get to Austin’s office with almost no time to spare. Walking down the hall, I notice that most of the people have already left. Must be a quiet day. When I walk into his office, he’s sitting behind his desk with his head in his hands, looking down at his phone.
“Whoa, dude, who killed your dog?” I ask as I throw myself into the chair in front of his desk.
“I fucked up,” he confesses, looking up and then looking back down at his phone.
“Nothing new there. What happened now?”
“I may have told Lauren that if she weren’t so uptight and she loosened up a little, that maybe her husband wouldn’t have left her and she would still be married.” He doesn’t even finish getting the words out before I’m pulling out my phone. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I’m making sure I clear my schedule for your funeral,” I joke with him, but it only earns me a glare from him.
“Fuck off, asshole. Let’s go get my car, and then I’ll pass by her house. She has no choice but to answer the door, right?” he asks me as we walk out to the elevator.
I see Barbara come out of her office and head straight for us. Her mouth is pressed together in a tight line. Austin cuts off whatever she’s going to say by holding up his hand and stating, “Not now, Barbara.” He presses the elevator button.
“I think my balls just crawled back into my body, and that look wasn’t even directed at me,” I murmur from beside him as we watch Barbara turn and storm away. “If I were you, I wouldn’t drink or eat anything that anyone else, especially someone who is a female or an employee here, offers you,” I advise him as I follow him into the elevator.
We make it down to the impound lot, where I leave Austin to fill out all the forms and show all his documents in order to get his car out.
I walk to a seat where I take my phone out and see I have about fifteen texts from Kaleigh.
I can’t be friends with you anymore. Your best friend is an asshat.
If he’s an asshat, you’re an asshat.
They usually only hang around together.
Like herding asshats.
I can’t believe I held meat for you!!!
Isn’t it ironic????
Why do you have to be a good-looking asshat?
I lied. You aren’t good-looking, you’re ugly.
I hope you get goat herpes.
I’m going to take lessons in Donkey Kong.
It’s ironic… Rain on your wedding day.
Jesus, fuck me. They are listening to Alanis Morissette. “Maybe you should give her the night to calm down.”
“No, I can’t. I need to see her.” He shakes his head, the look of dread filling his face. “I need to at least tell her I’m sorry.” He pushes past me, getting into his car and taking off. I jog to mine and follow him there. Once he parks, I get out before he can open his door.
“As your friend, I’m going to try to talk you out of this.”
He shakes his head, ignoring me. He gets out of the car and walks to her door.
“This is a really, really bad idea. Women who are pissed can do evil things. I mean, she wasn’t even that pissed at you when she almost made your balls explode.”
“I have to see her,” he says and then knocks on the door. When I hear the locks click open, a smile starts to creep across his face. It’s quickly replaced with a frown when we both see that it’s Kaleigh who opens the door—with what appears to be a machete in her hand. Okay, so maybe not a real machete, but it sure as hell is a knife that looks like it can easily debone a chicken and probably take off a man’s—hopefully not this man’s—hand. She comes outside, closing the door behind her as the sound of Alanis Morissette is playing in the background.
“You have some nerve showing your face here,” she spits out at him. Turning to glare at me, it’s then I notice she’s a bit drunk.
“Is Lauren home?”
I look at him with a confused look on my face. Obviously she’s here. Her car is here.
“She is,” she confirms as she sways a little.
I look a little closer and can tell she’s totally blitzed. Tipsy was an hour ago.
“Whoa, there, little lady.” I wrap an arm around her shoulders to avoid the knife to my dick.
“I need to talk to her,” Austin says, but all I can do is take in the fact that she’s in my arms, she’s soft, she’s perfect, and she’s also still holding that fucking knife.
“Not going to happen. Not now, not ever.” She continues, “You fucked up bad.” She is now pointing the knife at Austin, and her voice is rising. “Really, really bad.”
“Babe, can we put the knife down?” I plead with a smile, and she smiles at me while bashfully giggling. I really fucking like drunk Kaleigh. She pushes her body more into me. We stand here staring at each other.
“Can I please just talk to Lauren for two minutes? Then I’ll leave, I promise,” he practically begs.
She stands up tall and pushes herself away from me. “Nope,” she replies and then turns around, grabbing the door handle and talking to us over her shoulder. “If you’re not gone in two minutes, I’m calling the cops and telling them you’re stalking me.”
He scoffs at that, and she glares at him.
“And show them the inappropriate dick pics you sent me.”
Austin turns to look at me.
I put both hands up. “I may have showed them to her and she might have forwarded a couple of them to herself.”
“Can you please tell her that I was here and ask her to call me? Ple
ase, Kaleigh?” He gets in right before she slams the door in our face and flips the locks with loud clicking sounds.
He hangs his head, while I pat him on the back.
“She’ll call.” I try to assure him, but unless hell freezes over… “Or send someone to kill you. I mean, she did say Donkey Kong.”
He shrugs my hand off of him and walks back to his car, while I turn to look at the house and wonder what would happen if I go back and ring the doorbell again. I’m about to take that step right before I hear girls chanting “Ironic” at full volume.
“Yup, tomorrow is another day!”
Chapter Sixteen
Kaleigh
The minute the sun peeks through the curtains it lands on my face. I try blinking my eyes and swallowing, but I must have swallowed a pack of cotton balls, because I can’t produce spit. I turn around and land on the floor. “Fuck.” I’m not even in my bed. I’m on the couch. I look over at Lauren, who is sleeping in a curled ball. “Jesus,” I say as I take in the room. There are about six empty wine bottles, some pizza in a take-out box, and an empty bottle of vodka with three shot glasses. “Shit.” When I try to stand my head just turns over and over, so I sit on my ass, turning on my knees and crawling to the bathroom. “I really hope I can get up and not have to pee myself,” I say to the walls, but I hear a groan coming from behind me.
“Oh, God,” I say to the toilet when I try to get up on it. I close my eyes, breathing out of my mouth, trying not to barf and to stop the room from spinning. After I finish, I walk hunched back over to the couch. “I think a cat died in my mouth.”
Lauren sits up and then falls back down.
“I’m never drinking again.”
“I second that,” Lauren says from her side of the couch, raising her hand in the air. “Shit, where is Barbara?” she asks and I take in the destruction of what used to be her tidy living room. “I’m in the kitchen making you girls the hangover special.”
My stomach growls loud. “Is there a vegan option?” I ask as the smell of bacon fills the room.
She walks out of the kitchen, fresh and revived, which is the complete opposite of how we look. “I made two separate breakfasts. For the non-vegan, which is Lauren and myself, we have scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, and some hash browns.”
Lauren still hasn’t moved. She just groans I think in appreciation.
“For the vegan, I fried some of the fake bacon, which I’m pretty sure is rubber, and some vegan eggs, which look like I can’t even tell you. Is it even healthy?” she asks.
I just nod. “I need toast.”
Barbara goes back in the kitchen while I lie on the couch, watching the wall, “Did I strip last night?” I ask.
“Yes, but Barbara threw a sheet over you for your dignity.”
Lauren has her eyes closed.
I feel the couch vibrate, so I move my hand around it, coming up empty, till it buzzes again and I feel it next to my feet. I grab it in between my feet, bringing it up to my face. I press the home button, showing me Facebook notifications as well as Instagram and then texts from Noah. I close my eyes, trying to remember. Opening them, I enter my password before going to my messages. I see four from him.
You’re cuddly when you’re drunk.
I am not an asshat and there is no herd.
Please be my friend.
You’re sexy AF when you use weapons, just not around my dick.
I scroll up to see our conversation and gasp when I see that I sent him about a million texts. Okay, maybe not a million, but at least ten. “You are a horrible wing woman!” I shout at Lauren, who raises the hand she has over her eyes up to look at me.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” she asks, puzzled by my sudden outburst.
“Rule one of drinking, phones are placed in a locked drawer. Where is your phone?” I ask her.
“I have no idea. I think the last time I saw it you took a knife out.” She places her hand on her face again. “I can’t believe you pulled the knife out and the pizza guy came. I thought he was going to shit himself when you threw the door open and said, ‘I will cut a bitch if you don’t get the fuck away from this door.’”
My hands fly to my face. “Oh my God. I pulled it out when Austin showed up,” I say while Barbara comes out of the kitchen with two plates, placing them right on the coffee table.
“I’m not defending him, but the knife was a tad too much,” Barbara says, going into the kitchen and coming back with her own plate. “You texting him our picture was like kicking him in the nuts. I think he answered back traitor.”
“I’m sorry. It’s the wine, or was it the vodka?”
She waves her hand in the air. “Please, I’ve been called worse. Serves him right. He really fucked up this time.”
“Can we change the subject?” Lauren says, rolling off the couch and sitting on the floor while she grabs her plate, eating it on her lap.
“Yes,” Barbara and I both say at the same time while I eat the eggs. “They are so fluffy. How did you get them this way?” I ask her, grabbing some hash browns.
“Water,” she says simply. “Usually I add milk, but I didn’t know what was what, so I just added water.”
We spend the rest of the meal just eating. The two of us are almost like zombies. We try to help Barbara clean up, but all we do is bring our plates into the kitchen.
“Barbara, don’t worry about the mess. I’ll get to it after I nap,” Lauren says while I side hug her.
“I’m going to go and collapse in my bed. Barbara, you can party like a rock star and look like a lady the next day. You’re my hero.”
I turn and walk out of the room while they continue talking, walking/crawling upstairs. I pass Rachel’s room as I go to mine. It’s a good thing they spent the night at my parents or I would have to donate to their therapy fund. How many nieces and nephews can say that their aunt almost sliced open a pizza delivery man?
Once I get to my room, I fall face first into the bed like a starfish and drift off to a fitful sleep. By the time night rolls around I feel almost normal, almost. The kids have come back and are now in bed while I lie in mine. I took a shower finally, so I’m lying in my bed naked. A dim light fills the room, the television playing in the background, but my mind isn’t processing anything that is happening. Instead, my mind keeps turning to Noah. Him showing up with Austin was a huge surprise. What wasn’t a surprise was the way my body got pulled to him. How he put his arm around me and all I wanted was to throw down the knife and wrap all my limbs around him. His blue eyes, his beautiful lips. A knock at my door has my mind coming back.
“Come in,” I say, putting the television on mute.
Lauren opens the door, peeking her head in.
“Hey, just checking in. How you feeling?” She opens the door, standing there in shorts and a tank top.
“I’m okay, back as new tomorrow, I think,” I say, stretching. “You feeling better?” I ask her, knowing she has been beating herself up about the whole thing.
“I just need to move on. Find a boss I don’t want to kill or at least a boss who won’t push me over the edge into insanity.”
“For what it’s worth, he looked really sorry when he stopped—” Her hand flies up to stop me from saying anything. “Fine, subject dropped.”
“I’m going to bed,” she says, closing the door behind her. And I do just that, turning off the light and getting lost in my dreams.
The next morning I wake to a knock at the door, followed by a soft little voice.
“Auntie Kay, I’m going bye bye soon and we didn’t smoochacles.”
I giggle, stretching. “You may enter for some smoochacles,” I shout while she opens the door, coming in.
Her blond pigtails bob up and down as she hops over to me. She climbs on the bed while I turn on my side, opening my arms for her to lie down next to me. She lays her head on my outstretched arm while my other arm snuggles her closer to me. “I gotta go see Daddy and Ms. Camilla,” she sa
ys, her small arm wrapping around my neck.
“It’s going to be fun and when you come back we can make some cookies,” I say. “Now give me smooches before mom calls you down. I think I heard a car door slam.”
She leans in, rubbing her nose with mine and then kissing me on the lips. I blow zerberts across her cheeks and then her neck, her giggles coming out while her little hands try to push me away.
“Now be a good girl and smile big when you see mom, okay?” I kiss her nose one more time before she turns over and slips off the bed.
“And when I come back we can do doggy style again, okay, Auntie Kay?”
“Downward Dog, honey,” I tell her while she slams the door. I grab my robe, getting up, glancing at my phone. I have a couple of texts from Noah.
I’m not an Asshat.
Let me take you out and show you.
I don’t answer him. Instead, I close my phone and go to the bathroom and finally make my way downstairs to see Lauren at the counter reading the paper. “Morning,” I say as I go to the coffee machine, taking a sip of the black coffee. “You know what we need to do? Go out.” I watch her eyes move up from the paper. “Get our freak on.”
She eyes me, still not sold.
“Dance, Lauren, shake our pom-poms.” I shake my body, pretending I’m dancing.
“I don’t know, Kay,” she says while I put my cup down.
“When is the last time we went out just to go out and dance?” I don’t wait for her to answer. “I’m going to go and do some yoga, rid myself of the toxins that are probably still lingering in my body, then we will have a nap and get ready to paint the town.” I put my empty cup in the sink. “Better take a nap, grandma, it’s going to be a long night.” I smile at the dib while she tells me to fuck off. Going upstairs, I put on my yoga pants and sports bra, picking up my mat on the way out. My phone is dropped into the bottom of the bag. My fingers are tempted to answer him back. “I need to get laid and get him out of my system,” I say to myself as I walk to the park near the house and I finally rid myself of the toxins.
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