by Pentabu
Not something that judges outward appearances.
… And what do you mean, I look picky?
Y-KO: Okay, enough of the jokes…
I’m satisfied with life. At night, as well as the morning and afternoon.
ME: … Sounds like you’re satisfied all day long.
Y-KO: It’s a 24-7, year-round, no holidays kind of love.
ME: You make it sound like a convenience store…
That’s kind of a mild description for such a touching sentiment.
Y-KO: So what about you?
ME: … Pardon?
Y-KO: Are you in love with me 24-7, year-round, no holidays?
ME: ……. Uhh, well—
Y-KO: … You’re not.
ME: … No, that’s not true. I’m in love with you 24-7, year-round, no holidays.
Y-KO: So you’re basically in heat.
ME: That’s incorrect!
Y-KO: So you’re practically in heat?
ME: It’s the “in heat” part I am protesting!
Y-KO: Pssh… Shut your mouth, puberty boy. I can tell these things.
ME: Wow. Why are you pulling out the older lady card now?
Y-KO: Why? To hide the fact that I’m in heat!
ME: Okay, point made. Keep using that older lady card, please…
So, she thinks she’s in heat, huh…?
Y-KO: Oh, come on, I’m only kidding. Don’t take it so seriously.
ME: … Please don’t joke like that in broad daylight.
Y-KO: What about at night?
ME: Is it that important to you?!
… Sigh.
What can I say?
—I thought two lovers sharing an umbrella would have…
… a more romantic mood working, y’know…?
……
Honey and Clover.
2006/12/17 23:34
One of my girlfriend’s favorite manga is Honey and Clover.
There’s a very distinctive part of the story where one of the characters, Takemoto, takes off on a bicycle and goes around the country on a soul-seeking journey.
On that journey, he meets many different people and grows in a number of ways.
That part of the story apparently really hit Y-ko’s sweet spot.
Y-KO: Ahh, I wish I could go on a soul-seeking journey like Takemoto!
ME: Uhh… you do?
Y-KO: Huh? Why do you sound so exasperated?
ME: Well… You don’t really strike me as being the Takemoto type.
If anything, you’re closer to Morita…
Y-KO: Morita? Why?
ME: Because he doesn’t need to travel to “find himself.” He’s already got a strong identity.
He lives completely by his own whims and fancies without a care in the world…
I know that’s a poor description, but you strike me as the Morita type.
Y-KO: Really. You think I’m that willful?
ME: You mean you weren’t aware of that…?
Y-KO: Yeah. I mean, look at how much I want to go on a soul-searching journey!
C’mon, Sebas! Let’s take a bike ride to Hokkaido!
ME: Together?! That’s not a soul-searching journey, that’s a vacation!
Y-KO: Aww! But I’ll get tired of riding my bike.
You can pedal, and I’ll ride on the back.
ME: On the back?! What happened to the soul-searching part?!
This is turning into a vacation where I do all the work and get tired!!
Y-KO: Well, don’t you like that Ghibli movie, Whisper of the Heart?
Remember that scene where the boy and girl ride a bike together? Wouldn’t you like that?
I’ll even sing “Take Me Home, Country Roads” rather than “Gandhara.” Deal?
ME: What makes you think I would possibly consider that a “deal”…?
I mean, true, I do enjoy “Take Me Home, Country Roads” better than “Gandhara,” but still…
Y-KO: Come on. You’re getting twice the bang for your buck.
The best parts of both Honey and Clover and Whisper of the Heart. Score!
ME: They’re only the best parts for you, and there’s zero benefit for me!
Y-KO: Oh, fine. Then I’ll let you handle the part about writing a BL novel.
Happy now? That’s a major episode of the story.
ME: There’s nothing even resembling that in either of those stories!
I do remember a part where someone had wild flights of fancy, though!
Y-KO: No way! Doesn’t the middle school girl write a novel? I’m pretty sure it’d be a BL—
ME: No, it wouldn’t! Stop using yourself as the basis for everything!!
Y-KO: That’s kind of rude to say. I made my BL debut in elementary school, you know.
ME: Look… That’s not the…
In elementary school? Really?
A bit early to be starting down that path!
Y-KO: … Oh, fine.
Let’s make a huge concession and say that I might be more of the Morita type.
ME: Right.
Y-KO: If I’m supposed to be the Morita type, then what character from Honey and Clover do you resemble?
ME: Uhh… I don’t really know how to respond to that…
Y-KO: Mario? Luigi maybe?
ME: Why do you pick the weirdest side characters…?
Totally obscure one-off ones, too…
I see… So I’m not cut out to be a protagonist, huh…?
Y-KO: Hmm. Oh I guess you could be Leader, though.
ME: Leader? I don’t remember a Leader character.
Y-KO: Sure there was! Remember? The dog at Fujiwara Design.
ME: So I’m not even a human being anymore?!
Y-KO: Got a problem with that? At least you’re not the sand from the dunes of Tottori!
ME: Really?! We’re finally sinking to inanimate objects?!
Y-KO: Hey, you’d get stepped on by Yamada’s beautiful legs!
That’s about the most blissful fate you could possibly hope for.
ME: ………
What is this saying about her perspective on my life…?
Being stepped on is the best I can hope for?
Y-KO: Well, jokes aside, you’re probably more like Mayama than anyone else.
ME: Aha.
Yes, yes, yes! Mayama, the handsome, stylish, and bespectacled one!
Congratulations, me! I knew I had it in me!
ME: Mayama, huh? Why’s that?
Y-KO: Well, it’s kind of hard to explain, but…
How about the fact that he falls in love with a beautiful older woman? Dead giveaway, right?
ME: …… That’s it?
Y-KO: Yes. That’s it.
ME: ………
Y-KO: Right?
ME: ………
The only similarity is that he fell in love with a beautiful older woman—
… Meaning that…
… the only thing you’re really trying to emphasize is that you’re a beautiful older woman?!
* “Gandhara” rather than “Take Me Home, Country Roads”: While Takemoto was on his journey, he often sang the hit song “Gandhara” by the long-running Japanese band Godiego. In Studio Ghibli’s Whisper of the Heart, the opening credits were accompanied by Olivia Newton-John’s cover of John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads.”
* The dunes of Tottori: The place where Ayumi Yamada and Nomiya went on a date in Honey and Clover. When Yamada announced she was going back to Tokyo, Nomiya could no longer keep himself from admitting his feelings for her, and they spent a day together. Later, when she finds sand from the dunes spilling out of her shoe, she is reminded of the time she spent with him and feels a sudden twinge of affection. This scene is very famous among H&C fans.
Doraemon.
2006/12/18 20:48
Okay.
Everyone’s familiar with this iconic show.
Here’s a conversation that occured as we watched Doraemon.
ME: Hey, it’s Doraemon.
Y-KO: This is one of those shows that is surprisingly good when you catch it once in a while.
ME: Yeah, I guess so…
Y-KO: … Hey Sebas, what would you think if you were in Doraemon’s world?
ME: What would I think? Probably that it was fun.
Y-KO: I know, right? Nobita × Sebas would probably be great.
ME: No, it wouldn’t!
Why can’t you think about fun things like the Anywhere Door or the bamboo copter?
Y-KO: Sounds tricky… Would the copter be seme?
ME: Umm… Try to get away from the whole BL thing…
Are there no depths to which you will not sink?
Even mere inanimate tools are subject to your fantasies?
Y-KO: Oh, but imagining you and Nobita involved together is such a turn-on…
ME: What is your problem?! What’s happening to me?!
Y-KO: And so your innocence wilted as does the flower.
ME: Excuse me?!
Y-KO: I tried to make it sound poetic.
ME: Well, don’t! It wasn’t that poetic, anyway!
… Not that I really consider myself an expert on poetry.
Anyway…
ME: … I get the feeling that one person can’t possibly have enough comebacks to handle you…
Y-KO: That means threesome.
ME: Why?!
Y-KO: Nobita’s gonna have a babe on either side.
ME: Are you still hung up on that topic?
Y-KO: Oh, don’t worry.
We’ve got a special clause: It doesn’t count as cheating if you do it with another man.
ME: Trust me, if that ever happens, you can count it…
I don’t need that idiotic “special” clause.
It’s not like I’d ever use it!
Y-KO: Oh, I can? Then I have you at two, currently.
ME: Two?!
Y-KO: … Why? Should it be three?
ME: It’s zero! The number of times I’ve cheated on you is zero!
Y-KO: Ha-ha-ha, don’t be so silly…
ME: Why don’t you believe me?
Y-KO: Because I love you!
ME: Then maybe you should trust me…
Y-KO: Yes, I’m trusting that you’ve still only done it twice!
ME: That’s the wrong part to trust in!
Y-KO: Trust me, don’t trust me… What am I to think? You cat ears–loving bastard!
ME: Cat ears?!
Y-KO: What? Don’t you find them to be moe?
ME: Well, to be perfectly honest, yes…
… but when you scream it at me like an insult, my instinct is to deny it.
Y-KO: Okay… you cat-shaped, robot-loving bastard!
ME: Nope! That does not get me off!
Y-KO: Oh, right. I forgot, Doraemon doesn’t have any ears.
ME: Is that what you assumed was my basis for getting turned on?
Even if Doraemon did have cat ears on his head, I wouldn’t be getting all hot and bothered!
Y-KO: You are so picky, Nobita…
ME: Was that supposed to be an impression?! You didn’t sound like Doraemon at all!
Y-KO: W-well, it’s only for this one time!
You can’t always rely on tools to get everything done for you!!
ME: Okay, you can stop trying to make Doraemon a moe character now…
Y-KO: Ta-da! Fluffy handcuffs*.
ME: Why would he have a tool like that?
What’s supposed to be happening to poor Nobita?!
What use could you possibly have for handcuffs…?
Sounds like Nobita’s in big trouble!
Y-KO: Use these to torment Sebas to the limit of your desires, Nobita.
ME: They’re for me?! I’m the one in trouble?!
Y-KO: His skill as a sniper is world-class.
ME: Quite a menacing threat… I’m done for! Help me, Doraemon!!
Y-KO: There’s no escaping from reality, Sebas! Don’t avert your eyes from the truth!
ME: It’s not reality I want to escape from, it’s your wicked imagination!
Y-KO: Oh, there’s no escape from that. Once you’re caught, you can never get away.
ME: Sounds terrifying…
Y-KO: Heh…
ME: Uhhh… Did you just put me on the same level as an insect…?
Y-KO: Hmm, good point. Calling me a Venus Sebas trap is putting me down.
ME: No, me! It’s putting me down!
Y-KO: … Okay, how about this, then?
ME: …?
Y-KO: You can’t stop; you can’t quit. Sebas crackers!
ME: That would mean you’re the one who can’t get away…
And if either of us is truly trapped here, it’s me.
I don’t think I’ll ever get away from Y-ko.
She’s got me firmly trapped in her clutches.
You can’t stop; you can’t quit.
… It’s not too bad, actually.
Suit.
2006/12/23 23:07
Christmas presents.
I prefer to ask what the other person would want and then exchange the desired items on the big day.
So.
This year, for my Christmas present,
I requested what I wanted last year: a suit.
… Y-ko loves suits, too.
Y-KO: So, about the usual suit present…
ME: Yes?
Y-KO: I want to make it a surprise this year.
ME: … Pardon? A surprise?
Y-KO: Yes, a surprise.
Surprise…
Which would mean, I’m assuming, that I won’t know precisely what kind of suit she bought me?
ME: … I’m sorry, but uhh…
normally you have to try on a suit to make sure it’s fitted properly, y’know?
Y-KO: Of course. Nothing looks worse than an ill-fitting suit.
ME: Which would mean I have to try on the suit…
… thus ruining the element of surprise.
Y-KO: Tsk, tsk, tsk. How naive, Sebas.
ME: What?
D-don’t tell me that she’s capable of eyeballing suit sizes so precisely, I won’t even need to try it on before she buys it!
What a pointless talent that would be!
But kind of nice!
… I thought on the spot,
but once again, she forged onward by betraying my expectations.
Y-KO: This year, you should buy your own Christmas present suit.
That way you can try it on yourself beforehand, right?
ME: … Huh?
I’d pick out my own present?
True, that would eliminate any problems with the fit…
… but where’s the surprise in that?
ME: I have to pick out my own suit?
Y-KO: That’s right. You’d better settle on a sharp one!
ME: … Me picking out my own suit is a “surprise”?
Y-KO: That’s right.
… Uh.
… Okay.
So that’s your plan, Y-ko.
Y-KO: So, I won’t have any idea what kind of suit you bought until Christmas day!
I’m so excited to find out what sort of suit you’ll wear!
ME: ……….
… Yes.
—True, it is a surprise.
Your entire idea is a surprise!
Y-KO: And if you make sure to bring home a suit that I like, there’ll be a reward in it for you.
ME: … A reward?
Y-KO: Yes! I will reward you by stepping on you!
ME: How is that in any way a reward?!
What a creepy sexual turn-on!
Sorry, Y-ko, but I don’t roll that way!
Y-KO: Oh, sorry. Good point.
ME: Well, as long as you get it right…
Y-KO: I’ll make sure to step on you with my high heels!
ME: Never mind, you’ve got it completely wrong!
What do you mean “make sure”?
ME: Look, maybe you’re under a mistaken impression… I’m not a total masochist, babe!
You know that, right?! If anything——I’m a slight masochist!
I definitely don’t derive any pleasure from being stepped on!
…… Right?… Yeah, right. I think.
I mean, I’m only a slight masochist. Just a slight one.
Y-KO: ……
ME: ……
Y-KO: ……
ME: …… Would you stop giving me that cold, disgusted glare?
Y-KO: Sorry, not gonna happen.
ME: … Please?
Y-KO: What about the suit?
ME: … I’ll buy it on my own.
Y-KO: Very good. I am expecting a gorgeous one, Sebas.
ME: Yes, ma’am. I’m looking forward to it, too. I like picking out clothes.
Y-KO: And you like being stepped on, too.
ME: What’s with your obsession with stepping on me?!
Y-KO: It’s a desire that stems from intellectual curiosity.
ME: How is that in any way intellectual?!
It’s a curiosity without the least shred of intellect involved!
Y-KO: Or wait, maybe I’m thinking of ineffectual curiosity.
ME: That sounds like something you’re better off without.
Y-KO: As they say, curiosity killed the Sebas.
ME: Why am I the one who dies?!
Y-KO: The cause: death by moe.
ME: ……!
I hate the fact that I thought “that wouldn’t be so bad” for just an instant!
Y-KO: Death by moe trampling?
ME: What’s with the fixation with stepping on me?!
Plus, not only do I not find being stepped on “moe,” it also won’t kill me!
Y-KO: What if I wore my heels?
ME: How did you get this belief that I love high heels so much?!
Y-KO: Because I want shoes for my present this year.
Ones with nice high heels.
ME: …… I see.
Y-KO: So let’s go buy some tomorrow.
ME: … All right.
That sure was a roundabout way to get to the point… So roundabout, it doesn’t even qualify as roundabout?
… Oh, whatever.
