by Spark, Luc
He did his best to keep a stiff upper lip. Stiff as a coffin lid if possible, he could not afford to give them the slightest inkling that he was a candle about to be blown out, unless he became better at sorting out client books, and frankly he felt like he was not going to care for accountancy pretty soon. Thomas did not want to lose what he had-the attractive wife she was his whole world but the pressure was becoming too much for him to contain. A headache was pounding harder and harder, like a battering ram inside his skull. He imagined his brain shooting out across his living room if he could not get some relaxation.
Back downstairs and Thomas was dribbling out of the side of his mouth, his face was contorted with the strain of nightmarish stress induced sleep. His wife looked at him and started to wrack her brain with worry over his behavior tonight. The food was ready to be served so she went to wake up the sleeping beauty.
“Thomas wake up dear, it’s time for your meal,” she said.
Thomas still with drool hanging out his mouth began to mumble.
“Huh I’ll never even the score on the card decks of solider haggis, the time for sunlight is now,” he said half asleep.
“Err yes dear, look hurry up before it gets cold, it’s your favorite” she stated.
“The ever changing face of dinosaur travel, I need a hot ice cube to settle my bootlace-client books rejoice into my dark otter wedding” he blared.
His eyes began to open, and he let out a rather noxious bottom whistle that targeted his poor wife’s nose. She was starting to feel a bit of a temper begin inside her mind that she knew meant she was about to argue with him about his weird antics. His wife loved him from the first couple of weeks they began dating, but he was testing her patience with this madness. Thomas came to full consciousness and looked straight up at his wife.
“Ah my delightful wife what grand supper do you have for me?” he asked.
“Your favorite of rat meat and eggs smothered in gravy” stated the wife.
“Disgusting what possessed you to buy that, are you trying to kill me?” Thomas said angrily.
“Thomas you know rat meat is cheap down the market, we cannot afford to buy good meat” his wife protested.
She looked on and saw his face turn into a human beetroot. His ears began to twitch rapidly and his eyes were about to burst out of his head.
“Aargh, this is not the life I want, what is wrong with you people huh?” Thomas screamed.
“But my love we have lived like this for years,” the wife said.
“I’m going to explode out of my weak carcass if things don’t improve for us,” said Thomas.
“Thomas shut up okay just shut up, you will disturb our anteater!” yelled the wife.
“You harlot, I break my fingers to keep us fed and clothed and you tell me to pipe down?” said Thomas in disgust.
“Your absolutely right I do, you may be the bread winner but in this house I rule, I cook and clean for you even your genitalia stained shorts that crack when they bend, don’t you ever forget that we are a team first and foremost” she continued, “You better calm down and take a walk Thomas, otherwise you will lose this family”
“Gah well maybe that’s what we need then eh Victoria, maybe I will walk and not come back until after my bedtime,” said Thomas.
“That does it Thomas get out of here I’m filing for divorce” shrieked Victoria.
“Ah yeah well like heck you are, because get this I’m filling a divorce first, you can have the lot, I’m so messed up right now that I would rather just live in a hollowed out cave all by myself,” said Thomas with spit flying out.
Victoria ran into the kitchen and picked up a rusty iron frying pan, then she turned and charged Thomas-wham! She clocked him right on his forehead. In the meantime, the couple’s pet anteater was looking on with a sullen expression.
Thomas with an ever-expanding bruise on his head grabbed the pan off Victoria and threw it to the ground.
“There was no need for that Victoria, I’m sorry okay it’s just pressure you know from that obese blob down at the office,” he said.
“I don’t care anymore Thomas just get out of here and leave your pressure at the office, we are finished, besides I have been seeing someone behind your back, he is one of the local street fighters named Balek, and he is six feet five and would snap you like a twig with just his pinkie finger”.
“Well that’s just blinking charming that is, you call yourself a wife… your supposed to stand by me, I am the man you chose to marry through good times and bad, in sickness and health… does that not mean anything to you?” Thomas asked angrily.
“Go and live in that god awful cave you speak of, don’t darken my life anymore with your stress and career issues… take it with you and I’ll go to my Balek” shrieked Victoria.
Thomas once again felt another rush of blood pain pumping into his already messed up skull, perhaps that cave he spoke of might be a good idea after all…
Open Fields, Hungarian/Romanian Border 1465
The sun had just gone down on another pleasant day on the border; the grass in the fields was ripe with shades of green. The flowers were blooming with amazing scents and color. Many insects inhabited these fields and animals, Rabbits, Mice and other small mammals populated the area. This place was also a Mecca for the horse world, many different varieties could be found. One particular horse ruled the area and had his pick of the females, his name Lapis Lazuli. All black and covered with what appeared to be emeralds, although this is not confirmed-this horse had an amazing ability. Whilst out drinking at his favorite stream, which flowed down from the Transylvanian mountains, our outstanding horse happened to swallow some black matter that had been floating in the stream water. Obviously unaware at the time Lapis Lazuli ingested the whole mouthful of black matter, he immediately jolted as if struck by lightning.
The theory is that having engulfed the black matter he acquired the ability to travel through time, the black matter being the special and trick thing that it is. No other horse had the pleasure of drinking this; it must have been deposited from a crashed meteorite somewhere nearby.
As Lapis was eating his grass of choice, the really chewy one with the sweetest shade of green with the slightest taste of apple, the prodding of his mane distracted him. He sharply turned around to see stood next to him a terrifying figure, terrifying to a human at least, it was a vampire.
“The hell fire do you want?” said Lapis.
“Dear horse sorry to disturb you from your proud grazing,” said the vampire.
“You sure you’re sorry or you just saying that for bloody effect?” asked Lapis.
“Okay fine you’re right I’m saying it for effect,” said the vampire slightly shocked.
“So are you going to hit me straight or am I going to have to butt you?” said Lapis.
The vampire was of tallish height but obviously didn’t fancy his chances against an annoyed horse. Lapis could feel a smelly dose of flatulence brewing and was more than ready to unleash the dogs of war if this vampire did not satisfy his reasons for interrupting his grazing.
“Okay Mr horse it’s like this, I’m a vampire and my name is Viorel, as you can imagine I am immortal,” said Viorel.
“Oh well yes without a doubt vampire man” Lapis snorted.
“Yes so anyway I am kind of bored in this time period and would like to jump into the future yeah?” Viorel quipped.
“So what do you want me to do about it, grazing stopper?” said Lapis.
“Well I was kind of hoping, in fact, scratch that praying that you would become my steed to travel through time,” said Viorel with a hint of pleading.
Lapis Lazuli stopped his eating of the fine green grass; he gave Viorel a piercing stare. His mighty tail began to whoosh like he was swatting off thousands of agitating flies.
“Look whoever you’re supposed to be, I am not anyone’s steed and don’t intend to be either, put this way you better make it worth my while” Lapis demanded.
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“But you just said…” Viorel said confused.
“You’re not the brightest spark in the box of energy are you?” said Lapis, he carried on “look there’s not a living breathing soul on this planet that does not have its price-what I’m getting at is what’s in this for me?”
Viorel felt a bit silly at his lack of ability at charming this character up to this point, surely being a vampire it should be impossible for anyone to feel like they can get one over him. But Lapis was proving to be a very astute and switched on horse, which just happened to be able to hold a conversation. They simply had to become a team; it was imperative that Viorel gets this horse on his side. Viorel was sick and weary of living out his vampire existence in this time, fifteenth century Romania was so boring it could quite literally kill you-unless of course like Viorel your already dead, in which case it gave you a migraine instead. Lapis Lazuli was a local legend and the locals spoke tales of him for hundreds of years, Viorel heard of him when he was a young boy and his father told him stories before tucking him into bed. Viorel could hardly believe he was speaking to the great Lapis now, perhaps that’s what was putting him off his stride in this conversation, and he was clearly overawed by the legendary horse.
“Okay Viorel I can see in your eyes you have your reasons for coming to see me with this proposal, I’ll be totally frank with you, I’m stuck in this field surrounded by these other dirty horse’s, none of them can hold a conversation and I’m bored out of my mane” stated Lapis.
“So does that mean you’re considering my proposal,” asked Viorel.
“To be completely honest and straight up, yes I am but make it worth my while like I said earlier,” Lapis said sternly.
“Fine look I’m a vampire as you know, so this means I can get you more grass than you will ever need, I can claim land in a snap of my finger, I already own twenty acres of land just outside castle Dracula, you will never want for life essentials” boasted Viorel.
“Intriguing young Viorel, that indeed does sound like a good offer… of course, I would want it down in writing just to keep it watertight and legal, you know how it goes” said Lapis.
Not only was Lapis a time traveling talking horse, but also he was fully aware of legal formalities and the need for drawn up contracts, bypassing the usual gentleman’s handshake, was there any limit to this horse’s skill?
Berlin, Germany 1975
As his instinct had predicted, the librarian lady was indeed “up for it” in the general terms. Marcello could hardly believe that his ship was in; his luck had expanded to another dimension to be able to charm this woman. She did do as she said and got him his required book, but she also offered to “be of service” to him in another area, the one he dreamed of. Maybe it was down to her not having much in the way of a relationship anymore. She had been married once and never had kids, her husband would come home drunk and lay his troubles on her and then demand a cup of Darjeeling tea. Marcello lent a listening ear to her chatter, he knew it was only a matter of pretending to be interested and she would melt into his spiritual hands, which were sweating with anxiety.
“My husband would come home from a hard day at the bakery, and would try to convince me to make love to him in a pile of flapjacks,” she said embarrassingly.
“Oh that sounds terrible I mean he must have been quite difficult to live with,” said Marcello.
“You’re so understanding young Marcello, that’s why I like you, fresh young guys, you really listen” flirted the librarian.
‘Ha you’re a silly old filly for thinking that, I only want to get into your under clothing and if that means I have to listen to you rabbit on then so be it, long as at the end of your inane banter I get my reward’ Marcello thought to himself.
“Well of course I understand and it’s hard not to, so did you divorce him?” asked Marcello.
“Actually no I didn’t Marcello, and he didn’t divorce me so technically we are still married, but I do what I like now and play the field like I was fully single,” she said.
She gave Marcello one heck of a look that suggested she was ready for some loving; she pulled up her skirt to reveal her dark stockings. Marcello could feel his heart pumping faster and faster; he had to have her right now because this was too much to bear even for someone in his position. She began to fiddle with her long hair, a sure fire sign that she was ready for the young vicar. He grabbed her head and pulled her closer until they touched, he began to kiss her deeply and with this, she started to rub her super long index finger against his cheek.
“Hmm you’re so tantalizing it’s amazing that you desire me,” said Marcello.
“Hush up Marcello I’m the old bunny boiler here I should be the one who is flattered, you’re making me feel like I’m in my early twenties again” she whispered.
“My god you’re so right for me if you don’t want this to go any further than you better remove your hand from my derrière” stated Marcello.
“I don’t think that’s what I’m planning Marcello, we don’t have long before the library closes let’s get into action my lamb,” she said seductively.
Marcello now was surer than ever before that he had died and just gone to heaven, this was going to be the best moment of his life. The religious ambitions can be put on a back burner for the time being; right now it was animal style fun of the highest order. Let the games begin…
Outside Castle Dracula, Romania 1460
The two vampires Dretore and Ivan had managed to achieve the great feat of opening the huge main door of the castle. They had Vlad’s body to dispose of in the surrounding woods, the cruel dictator had not figured on the whereabouts of his vampire friends and it had cost him his life. The night was showing a full moon in the clear sky, stars could be seen that must be many light years away. With the full moon in flow, the vampires figured that it would be a perfect night for quick dispatch of the body. The wolves or werewolves and any other meat-eating creature could soon be tucking into what was left of Vlad’s corpse. The castle itself was a huge imposing landmass in this countryside, over two hundred feet high with many archer points and at the front outside that main big imposing entrance was two gargoyle statues with tongues sticking out. The gargoyles, Dretore could not help to think were probably alive at night when nobody was watching. Locals preached many stories of gargoyles that came to life, and considering vampires were truly existent then perhaps the same could be said of them rock statues outside, perhaps they did indeed have a life inside of them. Ivan was soon to become agitated at the growing stink of the dead Vlad.
“Heavens almighty Dretore we better get a shift on, I’m getting sick to my back fangs of this dead piece of scum” he complained.
“Yeah okay Ivan come on let’s move out and into the forest, we must place him right in the center, we don’t want any passing travelers to stumble into his corpse, it could trigger a revolt,” said Dretore.
“How do you mean, his fellow country subjects will soon realize regardless whether they find his body or not” slammed Ivan.
“That’s just where you’re wrong my dear friend, we can carry on in his place and don’t forget we could use Viorel as our eyes and ears within Bucharest, that young scamp will abide by us because if he doesn’t he will meet the same fate as Vlad,” Dretore said proudly. He continued “Perhaps even the younger royal brother Radu could carry on duties in his stead”.
“I never thought of Viorel, in fact, I almost forgot about the kid and that he got turned into a vamp by Kristen, we can use him, yes and at the same time also teach him our knowledge of assassination… that will make him think we have his welfare at heart” said Ivan.
“Yes okay fair enough he might be a good kid, but he is not a true blood like us, he just happened to have been bitten by Kristen and the fool let him live long enough to be turned,” Dretore said stoutly.
“Radu has been after Vlad’s throne for many years now, it was he who rode into the Ottoman Empire and got the Ottoman Kings orde
rs for Vlad’s assassination” explained Dretore.
The two vampires pondered amongst themselves for a brief minute at just where Kristen had disappeared. He seemed to have made a rather sheepish exit when the group of them smashed down onto the great hall floor. It could very well turn out to be that he has gone into hiding. Dretore thought about what Kristen might be doing at this moment in time, but then he snapped out of his dream and got back to the job at hand.
Dretore and Ivan proceeded forwards and headed on into the forest, under their feet the cracking of twigs fallen from great trees was a continuous, musical procession. It was almost impossible to be as silent as a ninja with so much foliage to traverse. Not that this mattered to the vamps; they knew not a single soul would be out at this time of night and in such a dangerous place. Close by they could hear the distinct cry of a wolf or even a werewolf.
The werewolf’s in this dark forest were known to attack on site and had a steady diet of homeless peasants, who got stuck in the forest and had not the strength nor intelligence to find their way out. Standing at over eight feet tall and with a body of solid muscle, teeth that could shatter bones with minimal exertion-they seemed almost unstoppable when they went into a blood lust fuelled rage.
Ivan kept looking around for any signs of big dark creatures of the night, his heightened vampire senses not detecting any impending danger. They carried on right into the heart of the forest and found a slightly sloping area that was full of deep grasses and even bigger trees than the ones around the outside. Dretore motioned Ivan to proceed down the slope, and so they both took the slope, still not feeling any weariness from the weight of Vlad’s corpse. The smell though was too sickening to describe, a mixture of sweet chicken and rotting eggs. Rigor mortis had set in even before they had left the castle; an arm was coming loose in Dretore’s super strong grasp.
“Careful of that arm coming loose Dretore, we don’t want to leave any evidence right?” said Ivan.
“Yeah okay just chill the hell out and keep moving, I’m not that stupid I’ll have to listen out to hear if it lands on the ground, if it does then I’ll pick it up again Ivan,” said Dretore.
