I opened my eyes slowly, trying to remember where I was. It was virtually pitch black, the only light in the room came from the flashing display of the blood pressure monitor hooked up to my arm along with the intravenous drip. I could hear sobbing and felt my heart breaking. I hadn’t cried since we’d been told. I couldn’t cry, I was totally numb. Gabe was the opposite. He couldn’t turn his emotions off. He was really trying to help me, but I felt all alone.
Deep down I’d known along that something was wrong, as soon as I’d had light spotting, when my blood tests showed that my hCG levels weren’t rising as fast as they should have been, and then with the pains, but I’d tried to ignore that nagging worry. I’d had all the usual pregnancy symptoms, but Dr. Walker had told us that was the case with most ectopic pregnancies, mine being in my fallopian tube. Ordinarily they’d have simply terminated the pregnancy with medication, but I also had another ovarian cyst and the ovary itself had twisted, cutting off the blood supply. So, they’d had to go in and surgically remove it and had removed our baby at the same time. What was worse, if anything could possibly be worse, was I had to wait overnight for the operation. A whole night of knowing that our baby was still alive inside me, but was being killed in the morning. I tried to sit up to reach for the water, but knocked the cup in the dark and sent it flying.
‘Mia?’
‘I’m fine,’ I replied. ‘Go back to sleep.’
‘I can’t sleep,’ he sniffed and turned on the light. I closed my eyes. I hated this damn room. I thought we’d seen the last of this private twin room in Riverdale hospital after my last surgery and Gabe’s recovery, but no, here we were, back again. ‘You were thirsty?’
‘No.’
‘You were trying to reach the water, you knocked it over. Let me get it.’
‘I’m fine, please go back to sleep.’
‘God damn it Mia, let me fucking help you,’ he snapped. ‘I’m part of this too.’
‘I never said you weren’t. I’m just tired, I want to sleep.’
‘No you want to avoid me, again. You haven’t spoken about it, it’s not normal.’
‘Don’t tell me what’s normal,’ I yelled back. ‘Nothing’s fucking normal, nothing’s ever fucking normal.’
‘Mia,’ he sighed and came over to stand by me. I quickly looked the other way, I couldn’t bear the look of pain on his face, it was too much to handle.
‘Don’t,’ I whispered. ‘I just can’t deal with it at the moment. Please don’t ask me to.’
‘What about me? What if I want to deal with it?’
‘You can, I’m not stopping you. Go and talk to your dad or Sofia, Doug or Lexi, hell even my mum or sister.’
‘I want to talk to my wife.’
‘I can’t, Gabe. You want me to hold your hand, stroke your hair, or hug you, I will. Don’t ask me to talk, please.’
‘You can’t even bloody look at me. Do you blame me? Is this my fault? Is it because I didn’t know you were in pain and bleeding earlier? You do blame me, don’t you? You blame me because if I’d known I’d have brought you to hospital sooner, before we got so attached to it?’
‘Junior,’ I whispered. ‘Not “it.”’
‘Talk to me.’
‘No! Stop pushing me.’
‘Then drink some water, your lips look chapped, here, tilt your head, there’s a straw.’
‘Please Gabe,’ I sighed, ‘I just want to sleep.’ I jumped, then winced at the stretch in my stomach, as he hurled the cup across the room, water spraying all over the wardrobe.
‘Go to bloody sleep then, I sure as hell can’t,’ he yelled. I watched the water trickling down the wooden door as I heard him pulling his shoes on and then closed my eyes as the bright light from the corridor lit up the room, then I was plunged into darkness again as he slammed the door behind him. Complete darkness, inside and out.
I’d spent a week off Uni and work at home again, just like when I’d had my diagnosis two years ago, while my incisions healed. Lexi took the week off work to be with me between her counselling training sessions. Gabe and I were like virtual strangers. We slept on separate sides of the bed, he spent his nights swimming coaching, then at Greyson’s and his frees in the library. I’d tried to hold his hand, to cuddle up to him to give him some kind of support, but he said if I wouldn’t talk to him, then he didn’t want to be affectionate with me. Since that night in the hospital it was like we’d lost all ability to communicate. It was my fault, I knew it was. Even Mum had given up trying to get me to open up and she’d headed home yesterday, unable to take more time off work. Lexi had also run out of patience with my refusal to talk or cry too. She’d literally just yelled at me and I’d sat and listened, feeling nothing. I felt completely empty inside. She’d stormed out slamming the door and I’d laid down on the sofa, flicking through the TV channels, just going round and around and around.
It wasn’t like I wanted to be like this, I wanted to feel something, I wanted to cry, to grieve, to try and comprehend what I’d done to deserve such bad luck, but some internal emotion switch had been turned off and I didn’t know how to turn it on again. I held my stomach as I stood up, and let out a surprised ‘Huh.’ I was still doing that, an automatic reflex to protect Junior, but Junior wasn’t there anymore. Just three small incisions, some butterfly stitches and one less ovary. I grabbed a bottle of vodka, put the front door on the latch and went out onto the roof terrace. I sat on the floor, my back against the roof, as I looked out at the twinkling lights and glugged it. It didn’t take long to go to my head, I’d hardly eaten all week, not even the Jelly Belly’s Lexi had brought around for me. I giggled as I missed my mouth, the bottle smacking against my teeth, and poured vodka all down my front. It reminded me of Chelsea, me knocking her tooth out. Well, at least someone would be happy with the news that we’d failed, again. I tried to stand up, but felt seriously dizzy. Even drunk I knew standing up on the roof terrace wasn’t a good idea, so I crawled on my hands and knees clutching the vodka bottle as I made my way to the little door and heard Lexi frantically calling for me.
‘Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing?’ she gasped as she found me crawling down the small black stairs to the landing.
‘Vodka.’
‘You’re bloody drunk on the roof terrace? What’s wrong with you?’
‘Question of the …’ I hiccupped and giggled. ‘Day.’
‘O shit. Come on, let’s get you back inside. You need something to eat, plenty of water and then you’re going to bed.’
‘Don’t want to go to bed. I’m enjoying vodka.’
‘Sure you are, but you’ll drink yourself into a coma if you carry on.’
‘Coma’s good. Coma means no more nagging, no more endless stupid bloody questions that I don’t want to answer.’
‘O Mia,’ Lexi sighed. ‘I’m so sorry I reacted like that. I’m supposed to be all compassionate and let people talk in their own time, but it’s you. I can’t bear standing by seeing you like this. I wish I knew how to help you.’
‘Cranberry juice. This vodka burns on its own,’ I nodded as I let her haul me up and lead me to the pantry. She propped me up on the door frame as she looked around.
‘I’ll give you cranberry juice if you eat some Weetabix.’
‘No,’ I shook my head.
‘Then what takes your fancy?’ she asked as she continued to scan the shelves. I stood up straight, swayed and reached out and grabbed the jar of peanut butter and wobbled my way back to the kitchen. I unscrewed the lid and dipped my finger in it and sucked. ‘Mia?’ Lexi called. ‘I found chocolate hidden at the back of the top shelf.’
I ignored her and dipped again and as I sucked the sweet nutty mixture, it took me back to when my cravings first started, peanut butter was the first thing I realised I wanted, with everything, which had made Gabe laugh. I felt something stir inside me. A tiny spot of anger that suddenly started growing and growing, and before I knew what was happening it was coursing through my
veins. I screamed and hurled the glass jar across the room and it shattered, with a satisfying noise, on the expanse of wall next to the desks.
‘Mia?’ yelled Lexi as she ran out and looked at the mess, then at me, shocked. I breathed heavily. I was suddenly furious and that had felt good. Really good. I spun around and wobbled as I opened a cupboard door and grabbed one of the side plates. ‘O no, you don’t want to do this,’ warned Lexi and ducked out of sight as I hurled the plate at the wall. That noise of the fragments breaking was like music to my ears. I grabbed another and did the same, screaming as loudly as I could as I flung it. Then I did another two.
‘Gabe … no, no she’s not,’ I heard Lexi saying. ‘She’s going crazy. You need to come back right now. O shit … no she’s smashing your crockery and that’s another item that’s just been broken. Hurry, please.’
I flung another two and heard her come out of the bedroom behind me.
‘Mia, I don’t think this is a good idea.’
‘I. Do.’ I replied and threw the last one, then grabbed a dinner plate.
‘O shit,’ groaned Lexi. I kept throwing. I ran out of dinner plates and moved onto the set of eight cereal bowls, then the pasta bowls, slowing down as my arm started to hurt. ‘Please stop,’ begged Lexi. ‘Talk to me.’
‘No!’ I replied as I panted for breath. This felt good, I threw the last bowl and staggered over to the next cupboard full of our Denby cooking ware.
‘Mia, come on, please.’
‘I’m angry, Lexi. I want to throw things.’
‘Why are you angry?’
‘Are you stupid? I lost my bloody baby.’
‘I know you did, but why are you angry? Tell me.’
‘Because it’s not fair,’ I yelled as I hurled a lasagne dish.
‘Why isn’t it fair?’
‘I didn’t deserve it, Gabe didn’t deserve it and I hate feeling so out of fucking control of my own damn life,’ I screamed as I threw a serving dish.
‘You feel out of control?’
‘I did everything right, we did everything right and we still lost … we still …’ I grabbed a gravy boat and watched that splinter.
‘Who do you blame?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said quietly as I weighed up the choice of remaining crockery in the cupboard and threw a small soufflé pot, but I’d lost my strength and it bounced off the wall and dropped with a crunching noise on the pile of debris below.
‘Yes you do. Be honest. Tell me who you blame.’
‘Me,’ I whispered as my chest shuddered and I took a few shaky breaths.
‘Why?’
‘I did something wrong, I must have done something wrong and I’m being punished. Gabe’s going to hate me when it sinks in. I don’t know what I did. What did I do, Lexi?’ My bottom lip started wobbling. ‘Tell me what I did so I can go back and fix it.’
‘O Mia,’ she whispered and came toward me as I started crying, scalding hot tears of guilt.
‘Tell me what I did wrong? I need to know what I did wrong,’ I howled. ‘It was the list, wasn’t it? I shouldn’t have had those drinks or sweets, they weren’t on the list. It’s my fault, I hurt the baby and I hurt Gabe. I hate myself.’ I felt Lexi’s arms go around me and I shoved her, trying to push her away, but she kept coming back until I didn’t have the strength to fight anymore and sank to the ground with her as I sobbed. The anger, the guilt, the pain … the pain was horrendous.
‘Come and take her from me,’ I heard Lexi say over my crying. ‘She’s hit bottom now. She’s blaming herself.’
‘Come on, baby. Let’s get you to bed. It’s not your fault, no one blames you,’ whispered Gabe as he lifted me into his arms and carried me. ‘Stay with us, Lexi?’ I heard him ask.
‘Sure.’
Gabe helped me onto the bed and stroked my hair as I curled up into a ball and gasped for air. He climbed onto the bed behind me and he wrapped his arm around my waist and gently palmed my stomach, his other arm snuck under my neck and grabbed my right hand and held it against my shoulder as I felt his tears dripping on the back of my neck.
‘Mia,’ sighed Lexi as she came and stood in front of me and wiped her eyes. I nodded, silently. She didn’t apologise or say anymore, we’d said all that needed saying. I could see it written all over her face, she’d been through it, she knew how awful I was feeling. She also knew how much harder this was for me. I’d planned this pregnancy and I wanted it so badly, we all had. Lexi climbed onto the bed too and shuffled up to me and grabbed my left hand in hers as she stroked my hair and I let go properly and heard myself making gut wrenching sobs of hurt and despair.
The three of us just lay there and cried, together.
Trials and Tribulations
I grabbed the body wash and soaped up my body, running my fingers over my new set of tiny scars. It had been over four months since “the crockery incident” as Lexi called it, the one where I’d destroyed our entire eight place dinner service, along with some chunks of plaster and slivers of brick. Gabe had quickly had the plaster and paint touched up. I didn’t want the brick replaced though, it was the only concrete reminder I had of Junior and I needed something.
Dr. Jarvis had spent a lot of time with me, with Gabe, and with us as a couple, trying to help us come to terms with losing the baby. I knew deep down in my heart that I wasn’t to blame, that I had no control over my condition, but I still felt responsible. It was my body that had failed us, repeatedly. And to have put Gabe through the loss of a child, of all things, that was what hurt the most. Gabe slipped in behind me and took the body wash from me, filled his hands and started to work across my shoulders as he kissed my temple.
‘Hey,’ he murmured.
‘Hey. That’s nice,’ I sighed.
‘Why are you up so early? We’re done with lectures, you’re officially just Mrs. Austin, owner and manager of Greyson’s Gentleman’s Club and you don’t need to be in until lunch, if at all.’
‘I know. We just have a lot to organise before the flight tomorrow.’ I replied. We were heading to New York on Friday to settle in over the weekend, ready for Gabe to start work at AT&F on Monday. The plan was for Gabe and I to stay there Monday to Wednesday lunchtime, then we’d fly back with Robert so they could work from the Westhampton office Thursday and Friday. Then Robert would fly home to be with Sofia and we’d return on a Sunday night. It was crazy, but Sofia didn’t want to move to England and I didn’t want to move to New York, so it was the best compromise.
‘Do you have time to come back to bed with me,’ he asked as he cupped my breasts, ‘or would you prefer we just get down to it in here?’
‘In here,’ I replied as I twisted my head to kiss him. We’d been extra sexual since I’d had my meltdown. We had moments where we had deep emotional discussions, but sex was the best way that we connected, it always had been.
I pulled up in private underground parking space of Greyson’s and sighed. I had a mountain of paperwork to sort before I headed home, but at least I was packed. I grabbed my wheel-along briefcase, ready to load it up with any essentials so I could keep an eye on things while we were away, and headed to the elevator.
‘Afternoon, Mrs. Austin,’ nodded Jackson.
‘Hi Jackson. How are you? How’s your wife now?’
‘Her ankle has healed nicely, thank you for asking.’
‘How’s it looking in there today?’
‘Busy as ever.’
‘Why aren’t all these men at work?’ I laughed.
‘Beats me, but it’s good for our profits.’
‘It sure is,’ I replied and headed down to the dancers dressing room and Cindy shrieked and came to hug me.
‘I thought we wouldn’t see you before you left.’
‘I’m coming home on Wednesday, I’m not leaving.’
‘I know, but I’ll miss you,’ she sighed. We’d spent a lot of time dancing together, coming up with new routines for some of the girls who liked direction, and she was going t
o take over my classes while I was away.
‘I’ll miss you too, but you have Max,’ I smiled.
‘I know, but she’s like the nagging wife, you’re the fun best friend.’
‘I heard that, Cindy,’ yelled Max from her dressing table behind us.
‘I meant you too darling, take a hint,’ Cindy called back. ‘Stay on your toes because if Mia ever decides to give me a chance I’m there.’
‘She’s joking, Max,’ I chuckled.
‘No, she’s not.’
‘I am,’ smiled Cindy. ‘I got over my crush on you a long time ago. Speaking of crushes, how’s Lexi doing?’
‘So, so,’ I sighed. ‘She’s reverted back to bad habits to try and cover up the fact that she’s hurting.’
‘I don’t get it, I mean no offence to Sarah, but she’s a bit bland. Doug and Lexi go together like …’
‘Two dogs on heat?’ I volunteered.
‘No way, that’s you and Gabe, mega pash. They’re more like Bert and Ernie.’
‘The muppets?’ I giggled.
‘They just complement each other so well.’
‘I know,’ I sighed.
‘He’s on duty today.’
‘I know,’ I replied with a bigger sigh. We still hadn’t spoken. I just didn’t know what to say to him. Rejecting Lexi like that had hurt me nearly as much as it did her.
‘You look amazing by the way,’ she nodded as she looked me up and down.
‘Thanks,’ I smiled. I always tried to dress smartly when I came to work, even though I was usually in my office, if I did head out and one of our customers recognised me, I liked to stop and chat. Gabe had left me to go for a run, he’d entered the New York marathon which was in November and he wanted to improve on his personal best. I’d picked out some lace hold ups, a knee length fitted black skirt and white three quarter sleeved shirt, tucked in and had piled up my hair with my black chopsticks sticking out and put on a pair of Louboutin black patent heels with the red sole.
‘Very sexy secretary, all you need is a pair of black rimmed glasses. Be perfect to strip with, I may go and get a similar outfit for a new routine.’
Infinite Love (The Austin Series) Page 33
