Aesop the storyteller had nothing in particular to do, so he strolled into the workshop of some shipbuilders. The workers began to taunt Aesop, provoking him to speak, so Aesop replied with this old story. ‘Once upon a time,’ said Aesop, ‘there was only Chaos and Water. God then wanted to make a new element emerge, Gaia, the Earth. So he ordered the Earth to swallow the sea in three gulps. Earth did as she was ordered: the first gulp caused the mountains to appear, and the second gulp caused the plains to be revealed. And if she decides to take a third gulp,’ said Aesop, ‘that will be the end of all you shipbuilders and your entire profession!’
This story shows that people are asking for trouble if they make fun of someone who is better than they are.
NOTE: This fable is also found in Aristotle, Meteorologica 2.3, with two notable differences: in Aristotle, Aesop tells the story in anger to a ferryman, not shipbuilders, and it is not Earth but Charybdis, the monstrous whirlpool of Greek mythology, who drinks the waters.
JOKES
Fable 558 (Chambry 88 = Perry 246)
The Woman and Her Drunken Husband
There was a woman whose husband was always drunk, so she came up with a plan to cure him of his drinking problem. After he had passed out one night and was sleeping the sleep of the dead, she picked him up and carried him on her shoulders to the common cemetery. Then she put him down on the ground and left him there. She waited until he had time to sober up, then she went and knocked at the entrance to the cemetery. Her husband shouted, ‘Who’s there?’ She answered, ‘I am the one who brings food to the dead.’ Her husband shouted back, ‘I don’t want anything to eat, but bring me something to drink, my good man! It pains me to hear you speaking of food but saying nothing about a drink!’ The woman then beat her breast and exclaimed, ‘Woe is me! My ingenuity has not accomplished anything! O my husband, you have not simply failed to learn your lesson: you are actually even worse than before. Your problem has turned out to be permanent!’
This fable shows that people should not regularly engage in bad behaviour because at a certain point the habit will impose itself permanently, even if they do not want that to happen.
Fable 559 (Chambry 10 = Perry 5)
The Man, the Pig, and the Miracle
In Athens, there was a man who had taken out a loan and was now being asked by the creditor to pay back the money. At first he asked the creditor to give him an extension, since he said he couldn’t manage to find the cash. But he could not get the creditor to agree, so he brought the only pig that he had, a sow, and put it up for sale as the creditor was looking on. A buyer approached and asked if the sow was a good breeder. The man replied that she was indeed; in fact, her litters were miraculous: for the Mysteries she gave birth only to female piglets, while for the Panathenaea Festival she gave birth only to males. When the buyer was dumbfounded by this story, the creditor added, ‘That’s nothing! For the Festival of Dionysus, she gives birth to baby goats.’
This story shows that when it serves their purposes, people commonly do not hesitate to swear to the most incredible fabrications.
NOTE: At the annual Eleusinian Mysteries celebrated in honour of Demeter, only female piglets were acceptable for sacrifice, while male piglets were sacrificed at the Panathenaea, the great Athenian festival that was celebrated once every four years. The god Dionysus did not accept pigs in sacrifice, but preferred goats. The goddess Aphrodite also disdained pigs; see Fable 197.
Fable 560 (Babrius 8 = Perry 287)
The Arab and His Camel
An Arab loaded up his camel and then asked whether he preferred to take the uphill path or the downhill path. With a burst of inspiration, the camel replied, ‘So the level road is blocked, is it?’
Fable 561 (Chambry 2 = Perry 99)
The Man and the Statue of Hermes
A man fashioned a Hermes out of wood and carried it to the market to put it up for sale but no customers approached him. In order to attract some buyers the man began to shout that he was selling a wish-fulfilling god who brought profit to its owner. ‘Hey you,’ someone said, ‘why are you putting such a thing up for sale, instead of enjoying its benefits yourself?’ The man answered, ‘I am in need of some immediate benefits, but this god happens to take his time when distributing profits!’
This fable suits a man who is so greedy for gain that he doesn’t even have respect for the gods.
Fable 562 (Chambry 108* = Perry 88)
Hermes and the Statues
Hermes wanted to know how much people valued him, so he assumed a human form and went into a sculptor’s workshop. He saw there a statue of Zeus and he asked how much it cost. The man said that it cost a drachma. Hermes smiled, and asked how much the statue of Hera would be. The man named a still higher price. When Hermes saw a statue of himself, he expected that he would be reckoned at an even higher price, since he delivered the messages of the gods and brought profit to mankind. But when he asked how much the statue of Hermes would cost, the sculptor replied, ‘If you buy those other two, I’ll throw this one in for free!’
This fable can be used for a conceited man who is not esteemed in any way by other people.
NOTE: Hera is the Greek equivalent of Juno, the wife of Zeus and queen of the gods.
Fable 563 (Babrius 30 = Perry 307)
Hermes, the Sculptor, and His Dream
A sculptor was selling a white marble statue of Hermes which two men wanted to buy: one of them, whose son had just died, wanted it for the tombstone, while the other was a craftsman who wanted to consecrate the statue to the god himself. It was getting late, and the sculptor had not yet sold the statue. He agreed that he would show the statue again to the men when they came back the next morning. In his sleep, the sculptor saw Hermes himself standing at the Gate of Dreams. The god spoke to him and said, ‘Well, my fate hangs in the balance: it is up to you whether I will become a dead man or a god!’
BATHROOM HUMOUR
Fable 564 (Babrius 48 = Perry 308)
Hermes and the Dog
There was a four-cornered statue of Hermes by the side of the road, with a heap of stones piled at its base. A dog approached the statue and said to it, ‘To begin with, Hermes, I salute you! And now I am going to anoint you, since I cannot let a god go by without anointing him, much less a god of the athletes.’ Hermes said to the dog, ‘If you can just leave the oil alone and not pee on me, I shall be grateful enough; you do not need to honour me in any other way!’
NOTE: The ‘four-cornered statue’ was a herm, a rectangular or square pillar decorated with the head of Hermes on top and with male genitalia below which was supposed to bring fertility and good luck. Herms could be found at crossroads and also in the gymnasia, where the athletes trained.
Fable 565 (Babrius 40 = Perry 321)
The Camel in the River
As the humpbacked camel was crossing a swift-flowing river, she relieved herself. Then, when she saw her excrement floating out in front of her, the camel remarked, ‘Oh, this is a bad business indeed: the thing that should have stayed behind has now moved up to the front!’
NOTE: An epimythium probably added by a later editor reads: ‘Someone could tell this Aesop’s fable about a city where it is not the first-class citizens who rule, but people who are of the lowest order.’
Fable 566 (Odo 44 = Perry 608)
The Dog and the Reeds
Against evil associates and the like.
There was a dog who wanted to do his business right on top of a clump of bulrushes but one of the reeds poked the dog’s behind. The dog backed off and began to bark at the reeds. The reed said, ‘I would rather have you bark at me from a distance than have you dirty me up close!’
Fable 567 (Life of Aesop 67 = Perry 380)
The King’s Son and His Guts
Xanthus, Aesop’s master, said to him, ‘Can you tell me why we sometimes look at our own shit after we go to the bathroom?’ Aesop replied, ‘A long time ago the son of a king indulged in all kinds of luxurious
foods. As a result, he spent a lot of time in the bathroom. And once he spent such a long time sitting there that he forgot what he was doing and crapped his own guts out. Ever since, anyone taking a crap bends over to make sure he hasn’t done the same thing. But you don’t have to worry about that, since you don’t have any guts to begin with!’
NOTE: This fable depends on a distinctly Greek understanding of human anatomy: the ‘guts’ are actually the seat of intelligence (English ‘brains’) rather than a sign of courage. By saying that his master has no ‘guts’, Aesop means that his master is an idiot, not that he is a coward.
Fable 568 (Chambry 262 = Perry 185)
Zeus and the Donkeys
The donkeys were tired of being laden with burdens and labouring all the days of their lives, so they sent ambassadors to Zeus, asking him to release them from their toil. Zeus, wanting to show them that they had asked for something impossible, said that their suffering would come to an end on the day when they pissed a river. The donkeys took him seriously, and to this day whenever donkeys see where another donkey has pissed, they come to a halt and piss in the same place.
The fable shows that a person cannot escape his allotted fate.
Fable 569 (Phaedrus 4.19 = Perry 517)
Jupiter and the Dogs
Once upon a time, the dogs sent ambassadors to Jupiter to ask him to improve the conditions of their life and to save them from being mistreated by people who fed them nothing but bread that was full of bran, compelling them to satisfy their hunger with unspeakable filth. The ambassadors set out on their mission but were hardly swift of foot: instead they sniffed for food in heaps of manure and did not even come when called. With considerable difficulty Mercury found them at last and dragged them into heaven. The dogs were wild with excitement, but when they glimpsed the face of mighty Jupiter, they were stricken with fear and covered the floors of the palace with shit. They were chased out with clubs and went outside, but Jupiter would not let them depart. Meanwhile, the dogs back home were surprised when their ambassadors did not return. After a while they concluded that the mission must have ended in an embarrassing failure, so the dogs ordered that other ambassadors be appointed in their place. Eventually they learned the full story of their predecessors’ shitty performance, and they were afraid that something similar might happen once again, so this time they stuffed the dogs’ behinds full of perfume. The ambassadors received their orders and were sent on their journey; as soon as they requested an audience in heaven, it was granted. The supreme father of the gods took his seat, and as he rattled his thunderbolt, the universe quaked. The dogs were startled by the sudden upheaval and promptly pooped, their shit now mixed with perfume. The gods all demanded that the dogs pay for this outrage so Jupiter issued the following decree before punishing the dogs: ‘A king cannot refuse ambassadors leave to depart, and it is hard to decide on a penalty that suits their behaviour, but their insolent prank cannot go unrewarded: accordingly, I will not prevent their departure, but I condemn them to a starvation diet, so that they will be able to keep control of their bowels. Meanwhile, those dogs who twice appointed such incontinent incompetents as their ambassadors will forever be humiliated by mankind.’ As a result, dogs of this later age are still on the look-out for their ambassadors, so whenever a strange dog crosses their path, they take a whiff of his behind.
JOKES ABOUT WOMEN
Fable 570 (Chambry 49* = Perry 95)
The Man and His Ill-Tempered Wife
A man had a wife who was hostile towards all the members of their household. He wondered if she treated the members of her father’s household the same way, so he found a plausible excuse to send her away to her father’s house. When she returned a few days later, he asked her how she had been received. His wife replied, ‘The cowherds and the shepherds gave me dirty looks!’ The husband then remarked, ‘My wife, if you have hostile relations with those men who drive their flocks out at dawn and don’t come back until late in the evening, then what kind of treatment can you expect from people who must spend the entire day in your company?’
The fable shows that great things can be detected in small things, and invisible things can be seen in what it is visible.
Fable 571 (Aristophanes, Wasps 1401 ff. = Perry 423)
Aesop and the Bitch
It was evening, and Aesop was on his way home from a dinner when a drunken bitch made so bold as to start barking at him. Aesop then said to her, ‘Bitch, bitch, if you had any intelligence at all, you would trade in that wicked tongue of yours and buy some wheat instead!’
NOTE: As van Dijk notes (17F2), this fable depends on the negative reputation of bread-sellers in Greek culture, who were something like the proverbial fishwife in English.
Fable 572 (Phaedrus 3.1 = Perry 493)
The Old Woman and the Wine Jar
An old woman saw a wine jar that had been drained empty, but the lees of the exquisite wine still sent forth a pleasant odour from the noble vessel. The woman greedily imbibed the smell, deeply inhaling through both nostrils, and said, ‘Oh sweet spirits, I do declare, how excellent you must once have been to have left behind such fine remains!’
People who know me will be able to say what this fable is about.
NOTE: Phaedrus is playing with the comic stereotype of the drunken old woman, who was a stock figure of both Greek and Roman comedy (e.g. Plautus, Cistellaria 149: ‘This old woman is both a big talker and a big drinker’).
Fable 573 (Phaedrus App. 11 = Perry 539)
Venus and the Hen
When Juno boasted of her chastity, Venus didn’t want to quarrel with her so she did not dispute what Juno said, but in order to show that no other woman was as chaste as Juno she reportedly asked some questions of a hen. ‘So,’ Venus said to the hen, ‘could you please tell me how much food it would take to satisfy you?’ The hen answered, ‘Whatever you give me will be enough, as long as you let me use my feet to scratch for something more.’ ‘What about a peck of wheat: would that be enough to keep you from scratching?’ ‘Oh my, that is more than enough food, of course, but please let me go on scratching.’ Venus asked, ‘Then what do you want to completely give up scratching?’ At that point the hen finally confessed her natural-born weakness and said, ‘Even if I had access to a whole barn full of grain, I would still just keep on scratching.’ Juno is said to have laughed at Venus’ joke, because by means of that hen the goddess had made an indictment of women in general.
Fable 574 (Babrius 116 = Perry 350)
The Man, His Wife, and the Boy Outside
There was a boy singing sweet serenades in the middle of the night. A woman heard him and got up from bed to peep out of the window at him. When she saw the boy, who looked very beautiful in the shining moonlight, she left her husband asleep and went downstairs and out the door. She then met the boy in the street and satisfied herself completely. All of a sudden her husband woke up and wanted to find out where his wife had gone. Not finding her inside the house, he didn’t just stand there gaping but instead followed her outside and said, ‘It’s all right. Go ahead and persuade the boy to sleep in our house.’ So he took the boy and brought him inside. He didn’t have any trouble after that, and joined in whenever the two of them wanted to do something.
That’s the story, and the message of the fable is that it is a bad thing to just stand there gaping like a fool when you can manage to enjoy yourself.
Fable 575 (Life of Aesop 131 = Perry 386)
The Mother and Her Foolish Daughter
A woman had a daughter who was a fool. She implored all the gods to put some sense into her, and the girl often heard her mother praying in this way. Then one day they went to their country farm. The girl left her mother and wandered into the fields. When she saw a man forcing himself on a donkey, she asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The man said, ‘I’m putting some sense into her.’ The foolish girl remembered her mother’s prayers and said, ‘Put some sense into me too!’ The man refused to screw her because, he said
, ‘There is nothing more ungrateful than a woman.’ The girl said, ‘Don’t worry on that account, sir! My mother will be very grateful to you and will pay you whatever you want, since she is always praying for me to get some sense.’ So the man deflowered her. The girl was overjoyed and ran to tell her mother the good news. ‘Mother, mother,’ she said, ‘I’ve got some sense now!’ The mother exclaimed, ‘The gods have answered my prayers!’ The daughter replied, ‘Indeed they have, mother!’ The mother then asked, ‘And how did you get some sense, my child?’ The foolish girl explained, ‘It was a long, red, sinewy thing running in and out that put some sense into me.’ When the mother heard her daughter’s explanation, she said, ‘My child, you have lost what sense you had to begin with!’
Fable 576 (Syntipas 54 = Perry 410)
The Man and the Old Woman
A young man was walking along on a blazing hot day when he met an old woman who was going the same way. Seeing that she was dreadfully exhausted from the heat of the day and the demands of the journey, he felt sorry for her weakness and when the woman simply didn’t have the strength to go any further, he picked her up off the ground and carried her on his shoulders. While he was carrying her this way, the young man was so strongly aroused by shameful thoughts that he had an erection. Spurred by wanton lust and hot desire, he immediately put the old woman down on the ground and had sex with her. Being simple-minded, the woman asked him, ‘What are you doing to me?’ He answered, ‘You are too heavy to carry, so I’ve decided to carve off some of your flesh.’ The man satisfied himself and then picked the woman up off the ground again and set her on his shoulders. After he had gone some way down the road, the old woman said to him, ‘If I am still too heavy a burden for you, you can put me down again and carve off some more of me!’
Aesop's Fables Page 33
