by Renea Porter
“I’ll be right back,” August told me as he left the room.
“I’ll put the dishes in the dishwasher.”
Back into the living room, August joined me. I nestled into him. But something seemed off. Something told me to look at August, so I did by pulling on his arm to get him to look at me. “Are you high?”
I didn’t need an answer because I could clearly see he was.
I stood, and August reached for me. “Murphy, please.”
I could hear the deflation in his voice. He knew how pissed I was. Yet, he did it. Pulling the door open, I looked back at him. “Call me when you’ve sobered up.”
Slamming the door shut behind me, I walked home. Why did I allow this? Why did I put up with it? Why did I love him? Why was my heart crushing into a thousand pieces?
Walking into the house, I joined my mom and Melanie on the couch to watch the rest of the countdown. Melanie must have sensed me sulking, so she nudged me with her elbow. I elbowed her back, and it became an elbowing war.
“You’d think you two were ten years old,” Mom scolded, teasing us. “I thought you were at August’s house.”
“I was. Then he had other plans that didn’t include me.” It wasn’t a total lie. It was truer than I realized. I knew Mel was curious as to what happened. The real reason.
Winter vacation had passed so quickly. I didn’t know where the time went. I hated that I was going back to school after this weekend. After the countdown, Mel and I headed up to our room.
“Can I use your laptop?” I asked.
“Yeah, but why?”
“So I can book my flight back on Sunday.”
She sat on the edge of her bed. “What’s up with August? What happened?”
With the laptop in my lap, I brought up the site to book my flight while we continued to talk. “He freaking got high. It pissed me off. I’m thinking about breaking up with him. Permanently”
“No one is perfect, Murphy. I mean, besides you.”
I shook my head and rolled my eyes as she continued.
“August loves you. I don’t think he’s loved anyone. Not the way he loves you. He’d fall apart if you broke his heart.”
“Sometimes, love isn’t enough. It never will be. I don’t trust him.” I finished booking my flight. “I don’t want to be the one that gets the call that he’s overdosed. Or worse; killed someone from being behind the wheel. He’ll never change. And I can’t change him. I won’t be that girl.”
I handed her the laptop, since I was finished with it.
“I don’t think you should break up with him. Not yet, anyway,” she said.
After dressing in my pajamas, I got in bed. “How many times am I going to let him hurt me? He knows I’m against any type of drugs. Honestly, I don’t want to break up with him, because I do love him. He’s my first love.”
“I know you love him. He loves you, too. You’re the only one he sees in a room full of people.”
I was conflicted on what to do, because I loved him so much. If I lost him, I’d crumble. The sad part was our love was just as toxic as the drugs he took.
I had no idea how bad the next day would be.
***
As soon as I woke up, there was a message on my phone.
Need to see you. –A
I’ll come to you. –M
I never stopped to eat; I just hollered that I’d be back soon. As soon as I approached his door to knock, it swung open. I stepped inside, taking him in. His hair was still wet from a shower. The atmosphere around us was somber, and he probably knew what was about to happen. Looking down and then back up into his brown eyes, tears streamed down my cheeks.
“I love you, but I can’t do this. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough for the both of us. Just know I do love you. Hell, I probably always will.”
My legs felt like they were going to give out on me. At that moment, I should have walked away. But I was afraid to move. Afraid of falling. Falling for August and never seeing a way out.
With the pad of his thumb he swiped the tears away. But they continued to fall. “I know,” he said, cupping my face, forcing my eyes to lock with his.
“How do you know?” I asked.
“I know that right now is not our time. But maybe someday; another time, another place,” he told me. “I’m sorry I’m a fuck up. I don’t deserve you, anyway.”
All I could do was nod, because words failed me. He brought my forehead forward and touched his lips against it. It was soft and sweet. But this couldn’t be goodbye.
Leaning my head up, I brushed my lips with his. He allowed me this. I pushed my tongue through his lips, and he tangled with mine. The air was thick and suffocating. He was literally kissing the tears away. With a hold of my hand, he led the way to his room.
In the room, he slowly undressed me. His fingers brushing against my skin caused a shiver down my spine. I couldn’t escape the rush he gave me with a single touch or a look. Standing naked, I felt exposed, and my heart cracked down the center. August went behind me, running his tongue slowly along the length of my shoulder then to my neck. Slow and sensual. He kept repeating it. Except, each time, he picked up speed and reached around to caress my breast. It was the most erotic thing I had ever experienced. But I wanted him in front of me where I could touch and see him.
I wanted to take my words back. To laugh at the awful joke God was playing on us. I wanted to believe that August could change because he loved me as much as I loved him. But I lived in a world of reality. And this was my reality, saying goodbye to August, even though it would probably kill me.
By the time August came back around, my eyes were watery again. He brought his lips to mine, and for the brief fleeting moment, we were one. As he pulled me onto him on the bed, I straddled his lap.
The hunger in his eyes matched the hunger my body felt. It was a hunger for him. A hunger only he could satisfy. He kneaded my breasts with his hands, rolling his thumbs over my hardened nipples.
With a little guidance, he scooted us to the center of the bed. August was taking me to new heights. Everything he did was slow and methodical. I never wanted his lips to leave mine. But they would. I moaned into his mouth as my body shook with pleasure. He came at the same time. Our love making was slow and perfect.
I moved to pull my clothes back on. The tears on the verge of breaking through again. I blinked them back. August watched as I moved about. Was there anything I needed to say one last time? I couldn’t think straight. I felt dizzy and numb. Why does love have to hurt so bad?
August stood, pulling on a pair of shorts. He was walking me to the door. I kept my head down, refusing to meet his gaze. Opening the door, I stepped out into the cold and shivered. I did my best not to look back…until I reached the end of his driveway. I looked back, and he gave me a slight wave. I waved back. I walked backward, keeping my eyes trained on him until he was no longer in view.
What I really wanted to do was run up to him and hug him and kiss him one last time. But it was best to just walk away. No point in avoiding the inevitable.
August was gone, and so was my heart. For the rest of the day, I lied in bed crying. No one could comfort me. The pain was excruciating.
Chapter Twenty Four
“What the hell happened?” Mel asked me.
“I broke up with him. It’s over.”
“I’m so sorry, sis. At least come and eat. Dinner is ready. You’ve been in here all day.”
“I’m not hungry. If I eat, I’ll probably just throw it back up.”
Melanie sighed. “Will you at least eat soup if I bring it up?”
“Maybe.”
Eating soup made me want to throw up even more. I shoved it away and chose to eat a few dry crackers. It settled my stomach. My eyes felt puffy and hurt from crying most of the day. Would the emptiness ever go away? Would the hurt in my heart stop? I was an unwilling participate in a broken love story. I felt so betrayed and blinded by love. I vowed it would be a long time b
efore I fell for someone, if ever.
Maybe I was a little mad.
Maybe I’d gone mad.
“Why does it hurt so bad?” I asked Melanie.
“August was your first love. First loves tend to hurt the worst. You’ve never had a boyfriend before, so everything is new. Your emotions are especially raw right now.” She rubbed my back, as I lied on my stomach, my head buried in my pillow.
“I just want it to be over. You know. The hurt. How does one survive?”
Melanie sighed. “It will hurt less and less as the days pass. Soon, he will be a distant memory.”
I didn’t want him to be a distant memory. I wanted him to be mine forever. But even I knew that was unrealistic. And this was just a part of life. I had to believe that with each passing day, that the pain would lessen. But at that moment, it hurt like a son of a bitch.
“I’ll be right back,” Mel said as she stepped out of the room.
When she returned five minutes later, she had her hands full. “If you’re gonna sulk, then we’ll do it together. Here’s a few romantic comedies and some candy to go along. These are sure things to cure a broken heart,” she offered.
I highly doubted it would cure my broken heart, but I agreed to make it a girls’ night. Even Mom joined us in our room. I needed my mom. She climbed in bed next to me and put her arm around me. I felt like a little kid again. It was comforting. Melanie splayed across the end of my bed, one arm holding her head up. Four movies later, I was yawning.
Unfortunately, the girls’ night didn’t put me in a better mood.
“Well, you better get some rest. You leave tomorrow.” Mom kissed the top of my head as she got up from my bed.
***
The car pulled up in front of the house. My bags were packed and I was ready to leave. Ready to leave all this behind me and move on with my life. My brother, Jacob, took my suitcase out to the car while I said goodbye to Mom, Melanie, and Dad.
“Just know, this, too, shall pass, kiddo.” Mom kissed the side of my head and hugged me tight. She didn’t want to let go.
“Okay, Mom. Murphy has to go,” Mel said.
Mom pulled away, swiping a tear from her eyes while I hugged Melanie. “Thanks for being there for me,” I told her.
“That’s what sisters are for. You need me; I’m only a phone call away.”
“I know. I gotta go. Love you all.”
I walked out, and Jacob offered one of his bear hugs. “Don’t be a stranger, sis.” He gave a nod and walked down the driveway to the awaiting car. In the back seat of the town car, I waved to my family, who were gathered at the door to wave me off.
Driving down the road, my breath caught when I spotted August standing along the curb, disposing the trash. The lid of his trashcan smacked down when he saw me. He waved as we passed by. But I couldn’t just drive by. “Stop!” I shouted to the driver. Pushing hard on the brake, the car halted. The car door flew open, and all my instincts said to run to August. This was a déjà vu moment. This had happened before. But it wasn’t this emotional. He stood in place as I ran to him, tears flowing down my cheeks. I could barely make him out. It was an ugly moment. But it was my truth. My reality. My first, and one and only. I loved him.
His arms opened up, and he wrapped them around me tightly. No words were spoken. Just the feelings remained. But then words escaped his lips. “God. I fucking miss you already. Can I call you sometime? Stay in touch.” He swiped a few strand of hair out of my face as I looked into his eyes.
“Okay.” I nodded.
We stared at each other for a few silent moments, taking the other in. He never had to express his feelings to me, because I always felt it. And that was a powerful thing.
“You better go,” he said, setting me down.
Our hands touched, but we couldn’t let go as I tried to walk away. But the farther away I got, our fingers touched less and less. I offered a weak smile, even with tears flowing. I needed one last glimpse at him with clear eyes. Opening the car door, I looked at him once more. His tall statue, the darkness of his hair and cleft chin were all magnificent, and his facial hair was starting to show along his jaw and chin. God. He was a sight, even with my broken heart. He was a good guy. He just had issues. Issues that were nonnegotiable with me.
Closing the car door, I refused to look back. I swiped the tears from my eyes. I didn’t want people to stare at me and question my blood shot eyes. Right now, I didn’t have any more tears to shed. The car dropped me off at the airport. The driver unloaded my suitcase from the trunk, and I latched my carry-on over my shoulder.
Boarding the plane was smooth, and I had an end seat. An hour later, the plane landed, and then with a short ride, I was back at school. When I stepped in the dorm room, I immediately felt Gwen’s arms around me, hugging me. I dropped the suitcase on the floor and hugged her back.
“I’ve missed you!” she said, pulling away. Then she looked at my face. “Oh, no! What happened.”
I sighed heavily, the world heavy on my shoulders as I slumped on the edge of the bed. “We broke up. Well, I broke up with him.”
“Why?” She sat on her bed.
“He just likes to get high more than he likes me. I just can’t be with someone like that. I mean, is getting high a thing still? I don’t get it. Why would you want to fog your brain up? Did you know I was the captain of the D.A.R.E. program in high school?”
Gwen shook her head.
“I was. I was also known as Nerdy Murphy. Because I got good grades and never did anything bad or illegal. I guess people said I was miss goody two shoes. Whatever.” I shrugged.
“Well, enough about that. What was August’s reaction?”
“We made love one last time and I left without another word spoken. Cried into my pillow for a day and a half. Then when I was leaving this morning, I saw him standing along the curb. I couldn’t just pass him by without stopping and hugging him one last time.”
“Wow. Sounds like something out of a movie. Love is supposed to keep people together, not rip them apart.”
“Amen, sister. Sometimes love is not enough. That is what I told my sister.” I studied Gwen’s face. Something was different. “Is that a different shade of red?” I asked of her lipstick. On any given day, Gwen would wear red lipstick; it contrasts with her platinum almost white hair. And it works, for her.
She puckers her lips before answering. “It’s called ‘Criminal Red’. You like?”
“I like.” I smiled. “I could never pull that off. I’m more of a dark pink kinda girl.”
“Thanks. And I’m sorry about you and August. I know, deep down he’s a good guy and you love him. Love sucks sometimes,” she declared with a pouty lip.
I laid back onto my bed. “Yeah. It’s so damn depressing. I don’t even know what to do with myself.” I sighed dramatically, looking up to the ceiling.
Chapter Twenty Five
February had been a month since I last saw August. I was more stressed now than ever with tests and studying.
Gwen and I were walking to class when I made a confession. “I’m so stressed, I’m a month late.”
Gwen stopped in her tracks and pulled on my arm, spinning me around. “What do you mean you’re late?”
“I mean, school is stressing me out so bad, I’ve missed my period. Ugh.”
Gwen shook her head in disbelief. “You need to get a pregnancy test. Come on; you had sex with August like a month ago.”
“Yep, and a bunch of times before that,” I confessed. “Shit. I can’t be pregnant. No.”
We continued to walk. “I’m sorry to say it, but you very well could be. I’m not saying you are, but you can’t rule that out until you take a test.”
I covered my ears. “No. No. No.”
“If you don’t buy one, I will.”
“Fine. I’ll get one after class.”
We went our separate ways to class. My mind was clouded of thoughts of being pregnant. What would I do with a baby? I hadn’
t even finished school yet. I still had a way to go before I even dabbled in my profession fully.
“Did you hear anything I said Miss Montgomery?” the professor asked…in front of everyone.
I shrank in my seat, slowly sliding down so he couldn’t see me. I didn’t hear a damn thing. I wanted to die. That seemed better than being called out.
“What? Nerdy Murphy doesn’t have an answer?” Jared teased.
“Shut up, Jared,” I growled. “I’ll cut you,” I threatened.
“Alright. Enough,” the professor said.
I glared at Jared, but knew he was just teasing. But I did not want to get notoriety for being Nerdy Murphy. I left that behind in my old life. After class was over, I made the daunting walk to the pharmacy. During the walk, I tried to think how meticulously I took my birth control. I knew some days the times were off. Maybe I had to double up one day. I shook my head.
Inside the pharmacy, I stalked around a few aisles, slowly working my way to the pregnancy test. I just needed to grab and go. But it was the point. If I picked the test up it would become real and I’d have to follow through with peeing on a stick. The thought made my insides churn. The urge to throw up was overwhelming.
When I got to the aisle, there was an array of about twenty different kinds of pregnancy tests. Each claiming to be such and such percent accurate. Shit. There was so many. I grabbed five and a bottle of water.
The cashier looked at me with wary eyes. I offered a weak smile in exchange. Making my purchase, I downed the water on the walk back to the dorm, the brisk air slamming against me, numbing my face. It was February, and love was in the air. But I was not breathing that shit in. I was in enough trouble. I had five pregnancy tests in a bag. I planned on testing them all just so I could prove to Gwen I was not pregnant.
Back inside the dorm, Gwen wasn’t back yet, so I downed the last of my water and went into our private bathroom. I ripped the boxes open and carefully read the instructions. Seemed simple enough. Just make sure the pee lands on the stick.
Sitting on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, I took the stick and peed on it. There was enough to pee on two at once. Thank you, water. Putting the tests on the sink counter, I grabbed for the next one while still sitting on the toilet. I refused to look at the ones showing the result. I couldn’t look. I just couldn’t. Ten minutes later, with my hands washed, I looked at all five tests.
