The river is the river
JONATHAN BUCKLEY
for Susanne Hillen and Bruno Buckley
I can no longer write, for God has given me such glorious knowledge that everything contained in my works is as straw.
Thomas Aquinas
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
I
II
III
IV
V
VI
VII
About the Author
Also By Jonathan Buckley
Copyright
I
1.
In the middle of a Tuesday afternoon in September a woman named Kate Staunton, at home, at her desk, takes a call from her sister. We will call the sister Naomi; the author’s name is Kate and she had a sister who resembled Naomi as the author resembles Kate Staunton, which is not the author’s name. Words recorded here were actually spoken.
2.
The sisters last spoke to each other months ago. Their previous conversation had been in essence an announcement: Naomi was going away for an indeterminate period, to a place somewhere in Scotland, with people of whom Kate had never heard: Bernát, Connor and Amy. The introduction of these hitherto unknown companions was not in itself remarkable; there had been precedents. It was something of a surprise, however, that the company was not to include Gabriel, as we shall call the man who had been Naomi’s partner for some time; ‘partner’ is perhaps not a wholly appropriate word – ‘companion’ might be preferable. The quartet did not constitute two couples, Kate was to understand. Gabriel was staying in London because he could not get the time off work, said Naomi; this did not convince, but the subject was not pursued. It was strange that walking the hills seemed to be the main purpose of this holiday; not since she was a girl had Naomi shown any enthusiasm for strenuous physical activity. ‘It’ll do me good,’ she had said, and her sister could not disagree. They would be staying in an old farm building, near a loch; she could expect to see otters and buzzards and falcons, Naomi enthused, though wildlife had not been an interest, never mind an enthusiasm, as far as her sister knew. ‘There’s no phone signal,’ Naomi told Kate, in the tone of a woman who was tired of being pestered. She would ring as soon as she returned, she promised.
Now her first words are: ‘I’m back.’ She almost sings it, as if she has only that moment returned, and the expedition has been a delight. It turns out that she has been in London for two weeks already. ‘Can I come and see you?’ she asks immediately.
‘Of course,’ says Kate, despite the recollection of her sister’s last visit.
‘I have things to tell you,’ says Naomi. ‘Big changes. Big big changes.’
The urgency and brightness of Naomi’s tone is familiar; in the past this voice has been indicative of a crisis. ‘You sound excited,’ says Kate.
‘I’m leaving London. I’ve decided.’
This is not the first time that Naomi has decided to leave London; she has never done it. ‘When a woman is tired of London she has finally seen sense,’ says Kate.
‘I am changing my life,’ Naomi states, unamused. It sounds like a declaration made to a meeting of addicts.
‘You have something specific in mind?’
‘I know what I’m going to do, yes.’
‘So—’
‘Back to the hills.’
‘What?’
‘I’m going back to Scotland. I’ll tell you about it when I see you.’
‘And what about work?’ asks Kate.
Naomi has had enough of teaching. The thought of another year of listening to little Imogen and Grace puffing through their grade two pieces is more than she can bear. ‘And no more pushy parents,’ she says.
‘How are you going to live?’ asks Kate.
‘The income, you mean?’ says Naomi, as if income were an inessential detail.
‘Yes. How are you going to support yourself?’
‘I have some ideas, don’t worry.’
‘Such as?’
‘Don’t worry,’ Naomi repeats.
‘I won’t worry if you tell me what you’re going to do. Perhaps.’
‘I might keep bees.’
‘What?’
‘Become a bee-woman. Make honey. Sell it.’
‘Bees? In Scotland?’
‘It’s not the arctic, you know. The little chaps do fine with heather. Look it up. They’re tough little buggers.’
‘Naomi, when did you become an expert on bees?’
‘Not saying I’m an expert. But I’ll pick it up. I’ve done some homework. It’ll be a challenge.’
‘Well, that’s one word for it. And you’ll be selling how many gallons of highland honey a day?’
‘Don’t be unpleasant, Katie.’
‘I’m not being unpleasant. I’m only—’
‘Being practical.’
‘Quite.’
‘I’m not going to need to earn a lot. It’ll be fine, believe me. We’ve got it worked out.’
‘“We”?’
‘I’ll explain when I see you,’ says Naomi, as though soothing someone who’s making an extraordinary fuss of things. ‘I was thinking of coming down tomorrow. Just for a day or two,’ she adds, having heard, of course, the silent reaction at the other end of the line. ‘Is that inconvenient?’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘You sound unsure.’
‘I’ll need to check with Martin. I don’t think we have anything planned.’
‘Katie, you know if you’ve got anything planned,’ says Naomi, in the tone of a loving mother admonishing her teenaged daughter for a ridiculous alibi. ‘You know what’s on the schedule for the next six months. What you mean is: you have to ask Martin how he feels about having me in the house.’
‘That’s not—’
‘You can assure him I’ll be on my best behaviour. I give you my word. Promise.’
‘I’ll call you this evening. But I’m sure tomorrow will be fine.’
‘Tell him I won’t cause any trouble. I’m on an even keel.’
‘You sound happy.’
‘I am. The sun is out.’
‘That’s good,’ says Kate, thinking: the sun may be out today, but tomorrow might still be a downpour.
‘I know what you’re going to ask me,’ says her sister. ‘And the answer is: nothing.’
‘You’ve lost me.’
‘Come on, Katie. I know what you’re thinking. But I’m not taking anything.’
‘Nothing?’
‘Not a thing.’
‘Since when?’
‘Months ago.’
‘And you’re OK?’
‘What does it sound like?’
It is arranged that Naomi will take a train around five o’clock the following day.
At half past five she calls, from home. Her last lesson overran, she explains; from the explanation it becomes clear that even if the lesson had not overrun, Naomi could not possibly have caught a train around five. She’ll be on the seven fifteen, she promises; she’ll be at Kate’s house by eight thirty. At eight o’clock she rings again; it’s after ten when she arrives.
Standing on the doorstep, in the half-light, Naomi looks regal, and rather tired. She’s wearing her black turban-like thing, adorned at the front with a huge acrylic brooch; the black woollen coat is half unbuttoned, exposing a sky-blue sari; on one wrist hangs a massive cuff of glossy blue plastic; several fingers are adorned with rings, studded with faux stones of various colours. She steps into the light of the hall, and passes the coat to her sister. Now she looks worse. The skin below her eyes has the texture of a perished balloon, and her mouth is bracketed by de
ep lines; her arms are slack; her ankles are swollen. She removes the turban, revealing hair that has been clumsily cut, and is as lifeless as towelling; it’s been dyed badly too – a cayenne sort of colour. She is thinner; very much thinner.
Martin is out, but Lulu – as we shall call the daughter – is at home, in her room. Called, she emerges a minute later; at the turn of the stairs she hesitates for a second, taken aback by her aunt’s appearance.
Pretending to have noticed nothing, Naomi spreads her arms to invite a hug. ‘Hello lovely,’ she murmurs, holding onto her niece as if to absolve her of blame for her alarm. ‘How are you?’ she asks. Lulu answers as almost any teenager would, in a phrase or two. Another question is asked and similarly anwered, then another, before Naomi says, fondly: ‘I’m keeping you from something.’ A blush begins below her niece’s eyes. ‘I’ve interrupted a conversation, haven’t I?’ says Naomi.
‘It can wait,’ states Lulu.
‘No it can’t. Off you go,’ says her aunt, inviting another hug.
The sisters go into the kitchen. Naomi has not eaten since lunchtime. There follows a discussion of what Naomi can and cannot eat; she has been on a sort of diet, she says; she will explain later. Blandness is required, because her taste buds have become very sensitive. Likewise her sense of smell. Garlic is intolerable, and spices are out of the question. When Kate opens the fridge door, Naomi recoils; she can smell the steak from the other side of the room, she says, wincing at the supposed stink. A stir-fry of vegetables with unsalted noodles is acceptable; the portion is small, yet she eats little more than half of what’s on the plate. Water is all she will drink. She takes an apple; the first bite leaves streaks of blood on the white.
‘You’ve lost a lot of weight,’ Kate remarks.
‘I have,’ says Naomi, cheerfully commending her belly with a pat. ‘Want to guess?’
‘Forty pounds?’
‘Fifty.’
‘Fifty pounds in one summer – that’s too much,’ says Kate.
‘Never felt better,’ Naomi insists. Her fingernails, Kate observes, are the colour of curdling milk.
‘You look exhausted.’
‘It’s been a long day.’
Kate carries her sister’s bag up to the guest room, at the top of the house; Naomi follows, breathing heavily once they have passed the landing, but no more heavily than would have been the case before. Since her last stay, the room has been redecorated; Naomi makes no comment. ‘Quite enough exercise for one day,’ she sighs, sitting on the bed. She slips off her shoes and eases herself onto her back; she closes her eyes. ‘I’ll be out of your hair in a couple of days,’ she says, and perhaps she believes it. She smiles and reaches for a hand; there is no strength in her grip. ‘I’m going to live with him,’ she says. ‘With Bernát.’ Cohabitation is a form of oppression, she and Gabriel had always agreed; this was one of the founding principles of their relationship, as Kate remembers. ‘I’ll tell you everything, tomorrow,’ she murmurs, then a cat shrieks in the garden, and she flinches as if at a gunshot. Her eyelids tighten. She pulls her sister’s hand, palm down, onto her breastbone; the bone feels like a piece of brick under a sheet of paper; the pulse is much too fast. ‘Goodnight,’ she whispers, moving her sister’s hand to her lips; the kiss is prolonged.
‘Anything you need?’ asks Kate.
‘Nothing at all,’ answers Naomi, now opening her eyes. She looks at Kate as if at a nurse in whom she has absolute trust.
‘You sure?’
‘Positive,’ she murmurs. ‘This is perfect. Thank you.’ Then she releases the hand.
3.
Kate is struggling with her new project. The story will be set in Prague, or perhaps Berlin, some time in the 1920s. The central character is to be a woman, called Dorota (or Dorothea, or Dora). Her husband, Jakub (or Jakob), has been killed in the war. Dorota is an attractive woman, and has remarried; her second husband is a decent man; she believes herself to be happy. One day, perhaps ten years after the death of Jakub, she is returning from the shops when she sees a man who might be Jakub – he looks as Jakub would now look, had he survived, she thinks. In the following months she glimpses this man several times, always at a distance. She has no idea what is happening to her: is the man a ghost or a phantom of her imagination? Might he be a double, or a man whose resemblance to Jakub exists only in her mind? Could he even be Jakub himself? Perhaps he had not been killed after all. If he is the real Jakub, why has he not come back to her? Has he lost his memory? There are many possibilities.
II
4.
After Martin and Lulu have left, Naomi comes downstairs. She is in her pyjamas; they are terrible old things, with deckchair stripes. Formerly owned by Gabriel, Kate assumes. Naomi’s feet are bare, and she drags them on the floor like a patient shuffling across the ward. The nails have not been trimmed for some time. Her skin is grey and her eyes half shut, but she has slept well, she says. Looking out at the garden, she says: ‘Shouldn’t you be at your desk?’
Kate tells her that she worked late last night, and needs another coffee to wake herself up.
‘Going well?’ asks Naomi, ten seconds later.
‘Early days,’ Kate answers; this does not prompt any further enquiries. Kate busies herself at the coffee machine, and Naomi watches closely, as if this procedure were new to her and hard to understand.
Kate takes her cup to the table, as Naomi takes an apple from the bowl. A bite is taken and the bitten part is examined; the red stains are visible across the room. Not a word is spoken for a full two minutes.
‘I’ve time to listen,’ says Kate.
Naomi turns, holding the apple up to her mouth; she looks at her sister over the horizon of the fruit. It’s as though Kate has just offered her some sort of deal – a deal of extraordinary complexity and doubtful benefit. She sniffs, three or four times, quickly; something unpleasant has been detected. She lowers her nose to an armpit. ‘I offend. I need a shower. Let’s talk at lunchtime.’ In passing, she strokes her sister’s hair – or rather, she wipes a hand over it, as if performing badly an act of affection.
5.
Naomi is waiting at the kitchen table. She has assembled a salad for each of them, and poured two glasses of juice, and set a place for Kate on the opposite side of the table, dead centre. Her hair has been washed and left to dry in its own time. She is wearing a red kaftan, which appears to have been ironed this morning; she wants it to be observed that an effort has been made, Kate assumes. And so the talking begins.
The ‘fateful meeting’ – as Naomi terms it, with irony of uncertain direction – took place at a bookshop. She had gone there, with Gabriel, for a talk and reading by someone called Daffyd Paskin, author of a recently published book on the Romani of Britain. Daffyd Paskin had also presented a TV programme on the subject. The programme, says Naomi, had rankled with Gabriel, who had known this Paskin when he had gone by the name of David. The revision of the name, thought Gabriel, told you a lot about the man.
When he was working on his never-to-be-completed doctoral thesis, Gabriel had earned a little money by teaching the occasional seminar group. He was, says Naomi, a lacklustre teacher; Gabriel has always said so himself. Nobody emerged from one of his seminars inspired to become an anthropologist. He was ponderous and tactless; instead of being a catalyst, his interventions tended to smother debate. He could not improvise, he admitted. Another consideration: Gabriel was bored, and what bored him more than anything else was his own work. Every morning, at his desk, he had to battle against huge gusts of futility, he told Naomi. But onward he plodded, day after day, dogged as a polar explorer. Six days a week, ten hours a day, he toiled across the barren wastes of his research. By the time he came to teach the group that had David Paskin in it, he was beginning to lose his way. Week by week the pages multiplied. Arguments and counter-arguments proliferated. He could not impose clarity on the material that he was gathering. And, to make matters worse, he was coming to feel that being lost
was a more authentic condition than the assumption of authority would have been. He knew that he was approaching the end of a phase of his life. The thesis would never be completed, and he had no idea what he would do after he had put it aside.
This was the situation when Gabriel came into contact with David Paskin. Initial impressions were unfavourable. Waiting for the new batch of students to arrive, Gabriel looked down from the seminar room and saw a small young man walking across the courtyard. The walk of the small young man was immensely irritating: he had a quick and bouncy gait which – in combination with the somewhat self-satisfied expression – made it seem as if he were crossing a stage to receive a prize. This was Paskin. A small gold earring dangled from his left ear – a silly affectation, in Gabriel’s opinion, and a passé one at that. Paskin had a predilection for plain white shirts, usually with the upper two buttons undone – three, when it was imperative to make a good impression. Though short-sighted, he rarely wore glasses, and he eschewed contact lenses; the consequent squint imparted a few extra volts to the dark-eyed gaze. David Paskin was loquacious and not unintelligent. He was smart enough to steal his aperçus from books and articles that were not on the reading list.
‘Gabriel has always been honest with himself,’ Naomi tells her sister. His academic work, Gabriel would tell you, was never lit by flares of inspiration. He was industrious and meticulous; he was able to compose a cogent essay with ease; his mind was absorbent and retentive; he could process large quantities of information quickly, and recombine the elements in structures that were original in the juxtapositions that they created, if in no other respect. He was mediocre, he would often tell Naomi – too often, she now says. But he never passed off the ideas of others as his own, which was not the case with David Paskin. When Paskin held forth, Gabriel was often tempted, as he put it, to ‘take a blade to his sails’. He never did take a blade to Paskin’s sails, though. Gabriel is a gentle character; timid, even. He has a pathological aversion to conflict, says Naomi. And, besides, there was something impressive about the confidence of David Paskin, and the liveliness of the seminars in which he participated was largely to his credit, Gabriel conceded. Paskin was popular, and attractive to many, it appeared.
The river is the river Page 1
