by J. L. Beck
The air swirled around me as I felt pain like I had never felt before. It severed every nerve in my body, agony ripping my veins, as I had never felt before.
It was all coming back to me.
I was being brought back to life.
I was living.
I was breathing.
I was here.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Isabella
The beeping of machines, the smell of medicine, blood, and bleach filled the air. I hadn’t moved from the hospital chair since I came into the room seventy-two hours ago. In fact, I hadn’t done anything but stare at the man I loved in hopes he would awake.
We had been in the hospital for a week now. After the rescue, my life repeated the same things it had after my first rescue. They rushed me to emergency care as they checked me over, doctors running test and conducting evaluations on me within the first twenty-four hours. They tried to ask me what happened in the room before all hell broke loose. I didn’t want to tell them. I didn’t want anyone to know. To know he had taken something from me I would never get back, but I knew they knew. They just wanted me to tell them, to give the police my statement, but I couldn’t. Just like I couldn’t tell them I had stabbed him. That I had watched the life bleed right out of his disgusting eyes. I didn’t want them to know that either. Worst of all, I didn’t even feel sorry for doing it. I didn’t care that I was killing someone. No remorse at all as I inserted the knife into him.
“Just because he isn’t awake doesn’t mean he’s dead. He suffered a major head injury. His body needs time to heal. He’ll wake up when he has rested enough,” Alzerro said out loud, ripping me from my own tormenting thoughts. Jared’s chest moved up and down, but he was unconscious to the world.
Upon his arrival, he had emergency surgery. They needed to reduce the swelling around his brain before putting him in what they called a medically induced coma. So I understood what Alzerro was saying and what the doctors had said, but it didn’t change how I felt. It didn’t change the pain that was radiating out of me.
The first three days of my stay here, I wasn’t allowed to leave my room. I had suffered severe anal tearing and they wanted me bedridden. The whole time I kept asking for Jared, pleading with Alzerro to give me something. On the fourth day, he finally gave in and walked me down to Jared’s room.
Flowers, balloons, and greeting cards decorated every available surface in his room as his family surrounded him. How they had all managed to get in this room without the nurses having a fit was beyond me. Whenever Bree, Tegan, or Zerro would visit me, they wouldn’t let more than two of them in at a time.
“What is sitting here, being silent and unwilling to talk going to do?” he asked, once again pulling me from my thoughts as he questioned further. As if I would open up to him with how he was talking to me. I knew the only person I wanted to talk to was unable to do so. Until he was awake, I wouldn’t say anything about what happened. He was my resolve, my reason to keep on. I couldn’t blame myself for the things I had done.
“When he wakes up, I will talk about what happened.” My answer was straight to the point, cold and callous. When would I be able to turn my emotions back on?
Never. You’ll always blame yourself. If he dies, it’s your fault.
“Why hold in the hate? The pain?” Alzerro tilted his head at me in wonder. Why was I holding onto the pain, the hate? Because holding on to it gave me something to hold on to. In a way, it grounded me.
“I can see the guilt in your eyes!” Alzerro’s voice grew dark. “I can see it. I can see the blame written all over your face.” He took a step toward me that forced me to go into my shell, to shut down.
“When you look at him, you see the mistakes you have made. You feel at fault when there was nothing that you could’ve done.”
He’s lying. It is your fault. If you never loved him, then he wouldn’t be dying. If you didn’t love him, maybe he would be here right now.
“Admit it!” he yelled as he clenched his fists beside him.
“There is nothing to admit,” I said coldly, my eyes on the floor. I didn’t want to explain my emotions. I didn’t want to admit the pain I was actually feeling. If I talked about it, then it was real, and I didn’t want it to be real.
Alzerro shook his head. “You’re a liar, and if you would just open up, and let someone in. I just want to help you.”
Help? I wanted to laugh at the very sound of that word. Just over a week ago, I had been stronger than I ever had been. I had overcome so many obstacles, I had learned life was only worth living if there was meaning behind it. However, when you’ve been violated… when you’ve killed someone, when you’ve felt the life leave someone’s body at your hands, it changes you. It makes you different.
“We know you killed him.” The words slipped from his mouth like a secret that should’ve never been spoken. Those words caught my attention, causing me to look up at him through the strands of my hair as tears threatened to fall from my eyes.
Death.
I had caused death. I had killed, and I didn’t even feel bad for doing it. If I looked in the mirror right now, I wouldn’t recognize myself, yet everything Alzerro was saying was true.
“I did kill him. I don’t regret it either.” My face was void of any and all emotions.
“Then talk about it. Let it out.” I looked into his eyes and knew he understood the emotions that plagued me. He understood how I was feeling, but still, something was holding me back from moving on. Something was holding me back from letting the gates open.
“I can’t,” I muttered, sinking back inside myself.
He will never get this part of you.
“There is more. Isn’t there? That’s why you can’t open up? Fuck!” His anger filled the room, pushing the sadness to the back. He looked at me in a conflicted nature, and I wasn’t sure why.
“When I….” He crossed the room pulling out the chair next to me so he could sit. His eyes darkened as he traveled back in time. “Ummm… it was normal for me in the world I was brought up in to witness men bring women back with them to their rooms. These women didn’t care if they were passed around or shared. They wanted to have a good time. Most thought they could eventually become a wife and have the power of the mafia behind them no matter what because they needed protection, security.” His voice seemed so off in the distance. “I never knew what went on behind their closed doors until I found one of the girls. She was sitting in a corner crying. she had been raped and beaten. It hadn’t changed my ways, I was still pretty ruthless, but it had made me look at women differently. Even if I didn’t want to admit it.”
Sweat formed on the palms of my hands. I was bursting at the seams to tell someone, to let the pain out—but I couldn’t. It felt wrong in so many ways.
“If he hurt you or if he touched you...” He struggled through his sentence. “If he did anything to you, please, please tell me. The doctors can’t because of patient confidentiality, but you can.” I could see the begging in his eyes, the pain he felt as he relived that moment. I blinked my eyes closed remembering the moment Jared had been shot. The misery, the agony that crossed his face. He looked as if he thought he was going to lose me.
Without muttering a single word, I nodded my head yes. Heavy tears filled my eyes and fell, landing against my skin with a hard thud. In those tears, I felt as if the weight of the world had been dropped off my shoulders.
Alzerro stared at me, fury burning in his eyes before wrapping his arms around me. He was hugging me, trying to glue me back together, and I let him. I let him squeeze me tightly as if he could push all the pieces into their spots, and though I wanted to be healed, I knew that if I lost Jared, it would never happen.
“I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry, Isabella.” We sat like this for what seemed liked minutes as he continued to comfort me.
I glanced over at Jared, lying in the bed on the other side of the room. All the things I had done for us to be here right now, he had to
wake up. He had to because, if he didn’t, it would have all been for nothing.
“I think you should let the police know, and you should talk with a doctor about what you are feeling. You don’t want to keep that poison in. It will destroy you if you do…” Alzerro insisted as he spoke to me softly. I didn’t want to relive the moment that man shattered me over and over again or see the pity come across the doctor and policemen’s faces, so I held my ground as I shook my head no.
By the time he let me go, I had already crawled inside my head again. I could tell by the somber expression marring his face that my admission had affected him in some way. I watched him as he walked over to Jared’s bed, grabbing his hand in his own and squeezing it tight. After that, Alzerro sat with me a little bit longer before saying his goodbyes.
Nurses and doctors came in and out throughout the night, checking on both Jared and me even though I said I didn’t need anything. As time passed by, I found myself moving closer to Jared. I sat in my chair right next to his bed and closest to the window, watching the room grow dark. A calmness settled over me when the night sky appeared. It was as if I craved the darkness, as if I dwelled and lived in it.
The pain would follow me for the rest of my life, but nothing, and I do mean nothing, would kill me as much as losing Jared would. Those were the thoughts I replayed in my mind as tears rolled down my cheeks, and I held Jared’s hand in mine.
The moment I felt him squeeze my hand, I knew I wouldn’t dwell in darkness forever. I knew this pain was a temporary pain. And one day I would be whole again.
I would be me... again.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jared
They say you should always measure life based on the moments that take your breath away, and in my case, it was the most accurate thing I had ever heard. I had died. I had seen and felt heaven. Felt my mother’s kiss against my cheek and the love of my life being pulled away from me.
Nothing was as real as feeling—as physically feeling, someone else’s skin against yours. As realizing that you had so much more to live for. I felt her hand in mine, I felt the love and sadness seeping from her and pouring into me, begging me to just wake up.
“I’m breaking…” I heard her words and felt her heart ache. I could feel my arms tingling, my hands on fire as her hand warmed mine. I had to let her know I was here. That I was still inside. I forced energy into my body as I squeezed her hand. Her gasp filled the room, and I knew she had finally felt it. She had finally realized I was still here with her.
“You’re alive? You’re in there!” She cried, and I could practically feel the tears rolling down her cheeks. I smiled internally as I lay trapped inside, unable to feel any other part of my body. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and cradle her body against my own. Instead, I listened to her cries and pictured myself comforting her in my mind, hoping she could feel it from here.
I felt her body brush against mine as she reached over me. The movement caused my eyes to pop open. I tried to swallow, but something was in my throat as I felt my heart start to throb inside of my chest. I stared at her, tears painting her beautiful face as the machines blaring around us.
A minute later, a nurse entered my room, probing and checking me over while Isabella told her how she squeezed my hand, and I squeezed back. How not even a minute later my eyes were on her. “Don’t remove the tube on your own. I’m going to get your doctor!” The nurse’s voice lingered in the air as she disappeared out the door. The moment we were alone again, Isabella’s voice filled the room.
“I thought I had lost-t-t… I thought I had lost you. Thank you for coming back to me. I don’t know what I would have done without you.” Her lips pressed against my cheek. Her smell surrounded me, her body enveloping me in a mist of happiness. I had never felt so much emotion or passion in one kiss. I desperately wanted to speak, to allow everything I was feeling to flow from my mind.
When I thought she had been shot, I remember the feelings that coursed through me. I felt as if I had died myself, as if I were losing who I was as I watched her fall to the ground. But it wasn’t she who had been shot. It was me. It was I who was falling to the ground, who had been shot, who was dying.
My mother’s words cradled me as I fell from heaven.
“Remember who you are, Jared. Remember that the good always outshines the bad in people. No amount of darkness can smother the light.” Her tears were so real, her warm arms wrapping around me.
She was real, everything about her was.
“I watched you fall to the ground. I thought everything I had done might not have mattered...” Her voice halted as she tried to choke back her emotions.
“My heart stopped beating. My mind started to think of ways I could have misunderstood what I had seen. I thought I knew what it was like to feel broken, but when I thought you were— God, I can’t even say it! I knew then what it really felt like to be broken.” The beeping of the machines filled the silence she had allowed to form between us before she continued on.
“I thought you were gone. You were. You died. I saw it with my own two eyes. You were shot in the chest. You were bleeding to death—there was so much blood. Blood everywhere. On my hands, on you…” In her voice, I knew something was off—that everything wasn’t right. That something had happened and she didn’t want to burden me with whatever she was carrying.
“It was a miracle really. I didn’t understand how they had found us. I didn’t know they were there… Alzerro said he tracked us by your phone and car. That-t-t he had put some sort of device on your GPS system in case something happened. He said, after calling you and getting no answer, he started to worry. That something told him you and I were in danger.”
I smiled inside as my eyes stayed trained on her. God, we were so fucking lucky. I couldn’t even picture what life would be like if we were still there.
Isabella’s words played back in my mind.
You died.
I would still be dead.
Emotions continued to swarm me. I was breathing now, I was alive, and I had never felt more life flowing through me—more now than ever.
Chapter Thirty
Isabella
Two months had passed, and I still felt as if a part of me had been left behind in that warehouse. I had told Jared everything I could in between the tears that had escaped. He understood, so much so he hadn’t touched me with more than a hug or a kiss. He didn’t want to hurt me or make me feel trapped. He wouldn’t even sleep next to me in fear I would have a nightmare thinking I was back in the warehouse.
That fear, that anger in his eyes as I told him what Israel had done to me and what I had done in return to him, I’ll never forget it. Just like I would never regret taking Israel’s life. They didn’t charge me. In their eyes, it was self-defense, and the fact they had orders to kill him when they got their hands on him anyway. It didn’t matter to them who took his life as long as he was no longer breathing. I had just done them and the rest of the world a favor it would seem.
“Isabella?” Jared called my name so softly I almost missed it. I spent a lot of time inside of my head now. Words didn’t need to be said between us as all it took was one look for him to understand where I was in my mind.
“Jared?” I said his name as I turned my head away from the television and smiled at him. I hated the distance he had put between us. Because of others, he felt even the littlest of things would push me over the edge. He didn’t realize he was the one thing that could cure the ache inside of me. The memories.
“I love you.” He pulled me from my spot on the couch and into his lap, his arms wrapping around me. The smell of soap and the intoxicating scent only Jared could hold filled my nostrils causing my body to come to life. Jared’s nose nuzzled against my neck as he breathed against my flesh. He was calming me. He had done this numerous times as a way to relieve the stress. We both knew the good that being close could do for one another. To feel his breath upon me put my soul at ease.
�
��How are you feeling?” I barely got the question out. My body and mind were thinking about two very different things.
“I’m feeling…” a kiss replaced the warm breath against my neck, “…like I need to be close to you.” Another kiss. “One with you.” Another kiss. My mind was swirling, my body becoming a puddle of lust.
“It’s okay now. I’m okay now...” I reassured him as he picked me up and turned me around to face him as if I weighed nothing at all. We now faced each other, our eyes bleeding into one another’s.
“The moment I let you get underneath my skin was the moment I knew things would be different for the rest of my life.” I could feel tears prick at my eyes. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, never wanting to let go.
“Shhh. I want my body to say the words I know I will never be able to. I want you to know how much I love you, not only with my touch but with my heart.” He pushed the sides of my tank top down and blazed a trail of kisses across my chest. My body grew warmer with every kiss against my skin.
“Ahhh…” I moaned out as pleasure took over. Without blinking, I found myself removing my shirt, the frenzy to finally have our bodies meet one another’s after two months of nothing. I healed, I was moving past it, but now I wanted to bare myself to him. I wanted to feel something other than the past. I wanted to feel his love in every single way.
Jared’s hands roamed over my body as if he were painting our future and undoing the past. He gripped my waist, lifting me off him so he could unbutton his pants as I let my flowy skirt and panties hit the floor. I stood before him, naked and ready to take on the world.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered. I watched his muscles flex and took in the scar on his chest that signified the pain we had endured—and what we were.
We were a miracle. He was a miracle, and our love was a miracle.
He stood up, pulled my body into his as he pressed his mouth against mine. His lips were soft, yet his tongue was harsh against my own as if we were dancing to the beat of our own drums. His hardness flushed with my softness, turned the simmering fire to a burning blaze. I wanted our bodies touching in the most intimate ways. I wanted to feel every part of him all over me.
