"Yeah." Blair replied, trying to force a lighter mood. Jim didn't deserve to have a weekend ruined by a sullen partner.
They drove to the nearest hardware store, where Jim loaded the truck up with nails, paint, painting supplies, and plenty of plastic. Within an hour, they were well on their way towards the coast. Jim was still humming happily to himself, listening to the radio and enjoying the scenery as they cut through the mountains that separated Cascade from the ocean. Halfway there, Blair realized how quiet he was being, and how hard Jim was trying to ignore it.
"Hey, Jim, do you ever wonder what your life would be like, right now, if you and Carolyn had stayed together?"
Jim laughed slightly and turned to look at Blair, eyebrows raised. "If Carolyn and I had stayed together?"
"Yeah." Blair nodded, hoping Jim would just take it as casual conversation.
"My life would be hell, right now, I can tell you that," Jim replied, smiling a little. "She and I were never meant to be together, I know that now."
"Yeah, but what if things had been different?"
"What things?"
Blair shrugged. "I don't know. What if you had never gone to Peru? Or if Jack hadn't died?" He saw Jim flinch slightly at the mention of his former partner and realized that wasn't the right subject to bring up. "Oh, man, I'm sorry. It's just that..."
"No, it's okay. Jack's dead and there's nothing that I or anyone else can do about that." Jim replied, glancing at Blair for a second before turning his attention back to the road. "Just what are you getting at, anyway?"
Blair shook his head. "I don't know. Just making conversation. You know, wondering about those little choices you make along the way that radically change your life."
"Just making conversation? That's a pretty heavy topic to just chat about." Jim glanced at him again. "Is that what's been bothering you all week?"
"What, me? No, man, not me. I was just wondering, that's all." Blair shook his head emphatically, maybe too emphatically. "No, my life's right on track, just like I planned." Shut up, you idiot. "I was just curious, if there were any decisions you've made in your past that you regret." He looked over at Jim again, trying to gauge his partner's reaction to the question.
Jim was quiet for a moment as they drove through a narrow, one-lane bridge. "We all have regrets, Chief. Things we've done that we can't change. Stuff you say, that you wish you could take back." He glanced at Blair again. "What about you?"
Blair shook his head, trying his best to sound convincing. "No, no regrets." God, it was obvious, wasn't it? Did Jim know he'd been having these thoughts all week? Every time Jim finished a case, Blair couldn't help but wonder if that was the last one he'd want a partner on. Jim had always worked alone, except for Jack, but now he had Blair tagging along as a permanent fixture in his day-to-day life. Was it coming to a point where Jim was getting tired of him? Was Simon finally talking Jim out of having this kid tag along everywhere? And what had happened in Peru that seemed to bring Jim into more full control of his Sentinel senses? This whole partnership was so confusing to Blair now. He'd never expected to be so fascinated by Detective James Ellison. So completely accepted and taken in by this man who was in such perfect control of himself and his surroundings. It was obvious to Blair that Jim no longer needed him around, and yet he hadn't even mentioned having Blair leave. Even when he wormed his way in to the older man's apartment, and conveniently never left, Jim accepted it and took it all in stride. Just what would it take to make Jim mad enough to kick him out? Was that what had been bothering him all week? Wondering just what Jim's limits were and where he fit into his friend's life?
Blair was so confused, he didn't even know what was nagging him. But, lately, he couldn't help wondering where he fit into his own life anymore. What was he doing? He was still teaching, still pursuing his doctorate, but his entire life had changed now, and he wasn't sure where it was leading anymore. Jim's work fascinated him, but only as far as Jim and his Sentinel partnership with Blair. He certainly wasn't ready to toss so many years of anthropology away and enroll in the Police Academy. But by the same token, he wasn't willing to give it all up, either. He wanted both. It was working now, juggling two worlds. But how long would that last? Was there a time coming when he would have to make a choice, or would that choice be made for him? Meeting Jim Ellison had changed Blair's life in so many ways. The friendship that had developed, the things he had learned about Jim the Sentinel, and Jim the friend, were all so new and different from anything he had ever understood before. And Jim was making him change along the way. Blair couldn't hide anything from him, no matter how hard he tried sometimes. A different world had presented itself when he met this man several months ago. A world that was at times frightening, and fascinating. When he turned down the offer to go to Borneo, Blair had taken that first step down a different road. He didn't regret it. Not really. He had made that choice on purpose, if somewhat hesitantly, and there was no going back. Unless he was pushed. He wasn't the same Blair Sandburg he'd been before, so how could he go back to what he was? The only way he was going to get any answers, would be to just come out and ask. But, he couldn't. If there was a problem with Jim, Blair could just ask, and nag Jim until he answered. But, when the problem was with him, Blair didn't want to open the door. He was afraid to let someone see inside. He was especially afraid to let Jim inside, for fear he wouldn't like what he saw.
Part 2
* * *
"What about you, Chief? Where would you be right now, if we had never met?" Jim could see his question startled Blair out of an inner thought. He saw a wall come up behind his partner's eyes. It was a wall he knew, and had seen before. A wall meant to protect what was on the inside, while putting up a facade to hide his true feelings. A defense mechanism that Jim was going to have to work around, if they were to get anywhere with whatever was bothering the younger man.
Blair shrugged, glancing out the front window. "I'd be in Borneo, with Dr Stoddard," he replied. "But that never could have happened, 'cause you started experiencing your Sentinel senses coming out, and I had that friend at the hospital. You never could have avoided me, man." Blair's attempts at levity didn't work, with Jim or with him.
"Listen, there are things that happen every day that affect your life. You just make a decision, and go with it." Jim glanced at Blair to make sure he was listening. "You can drive yourself crazy wondering 'what if' until you're blue. It won't change where you are." Blair was nodding, glancing out the window. "Keep an eye out for Seacrest Ave," Jim said. "It's been a while since I've been out here." He decided Blair wasn't ready to open up, not here in the truck. But, Jim was determined they'd hash out whatever was nagging him before the weekend was up. He had paint, and his cuffs, if it came to that. But whatever it was, Jim had decided that now was the time to put all the cards on the table, and see where they stood. Both of them.
He had made up his mind last night, while listening to Blair toss and turn below him all night long, that it was time to find out just how committed his partner was willing to be. He'd learned something in Peru, when they went there together to rescue Simon and Daryl, something he couldn't talk about earlier. Maybe it was time to talk about it now. If Blair was worried about Simon, or what the future held, then maybe it was time they discussed it. If he could get Blair to open up, and understand. But, was Jim ready for his answer, whatever it might be?
"Hey, there it is." Blair was pointing to a road off to the left, so Jim turned onto it.
"Yeah, I remember this now. The house is just a mile down here, on the right." Jim slowed down, watching the houses pass by, looking for the one he remembered. It wasn't long until he spotted the house, looking old and lonely in its peeling, light blue paint. "Poor thing's starting to look its age."
"How long has it been since someone's lived here?" Blair asked as they pulled into the long driveway and up to the house.
Jim shrugged. "No one's been inside since the last renters moved out." He parked the truck and t
hey both climbed out, standing in the driveway to stare at the old house. "Carolyn was going to come out here a while back, but she never did." He fished in his jacket pocket for the keys and walked up to the house. "Well, let's have a look."
It took some doing to get the front door open, swollen as it was by disuse and moisture. Once inside, they were assaulted by a musty odor that had Jim reeling backwards a half-step.
"Oh, man, I guess it needs some airing out." Blair waved a hand in front of his face to ward off the odor and glanced at Jim. "You okay?"
Jim was squinting against the smell of abandonment that had filled his sensitive nose. "Yeah." He nodded, still squinting a little. He'd have to turn down the senses for a while, until they could replace the stagnant air with fresh, sea breezes. "Let's get the windows open." He stepped inside, leading the way through the small living room, around the only couch, to the kitchen that consisted of a counter facing the living room, a small gas stove, and refrigerator. "Get this one, Chief. I'll go down the hall." Jim left Blair to fight with the sticking kitchen window as he continued down the hallway to the single bedroom. Inside, the air was even more rank, with what looked suspiciously like mouse droppings in a far corner near the closet. The room was empty, except for a small bed pushed up against the wall. Jim hurried over to the single window and pushed against protesting wood, forcing the pane up and open to the ocean it faced. They'd need a cross breeze to air the house out, but the only other window that could be opened was in the bathroom, also on the sea-side of the house. Jim went inside the tiny room and forced that window open as well, noting with some disgust the filth coating the tiled floor, and what looked like rust staining the inside of the sink and tub.
"Man, should have come out here sooner," he mumbled, wrinkling his nose up at the sight.
"Hey, Jim, this place does have indoor plumbing, doesn't it?" Blair was standing in the hallway, glancing past him into the small bathroom.
Jim looked at him, then back at the toilet. "I hope so." He reluctantly reached out and flipped down the lever, watching as the brown water slowly gurgled and churned down the drain, sending a moan of protest through the walls as the plumbing reluctantly spasmed into working order. "Small wonder," he said, glancing back at Blair. "I should have come out here sooner."
"Yeah, well like you said, you've been busy." Blair turned back to the living room and nodded. "I left the front door open, for a breeze. Are there any other windows?"
Jim shook his head, then stepped out of the bathroom and followed Blair back to the livingroom. "No, this place is just this one room, the kitchen, and a bedroom. Pretty small." He stepped outside, breathing deeply through his nose to clear the passages of the stale stench that lingered in his sinuses. "Place needs more work than I thought. I'm not sure it's going to be worth it." They both reached the truck and Jim stopped, gazing back at the house. "I thought I could fix it up, then rent it out again like Ted did, but I'm not so sure that's a good idea."
Blair was looking around at the other houses nestled rather close, then out to the ocean they could see behind the house. "I don't know, man. I mean, it's your decision, but it's sure nice out here. Maybe a little crowded." He gazed at the neighboring houses again, then over the hood of the truck to Jim. "I just can't fathom actually owning something like this. I mean, in as much as someone can own land that never belonged to anyone in the first place."
Jim raised his eyebrows. "You didn't plan on living in that warehouse forever, did you Chief?" Was Jim going to get his answer now? Could it be that simple?
"No, man, it's just that I never really thought about actually owning something like a house, or land. It's so...permanent." He shrugged and moved to the back of the truck to start unloading the supplies.
Jim followed, hefting out a few cans of paint. "There's nothing wrong with permanence, Sandburg. It's called stability. Everyone needs a place they can call home, whether they own it or not." They each had an armful and began to walk back inside the house.
"I dunno, man. It's a nice idea and all, but I'm just not used to it." They set down their loads and walked back to the truck for more. "I mean, when I was a kid, Mom and I moved around a lot. Mostly we stayed with the guys she was seeing, sometimes we had a place to ourselves for a few months, maybe a year or two. I just get antsy after a while, and need to move around."
Jim stopped him as he was reaching into the truck for more. "Hang on a minute, Chief." Blair stopped and looked up. Jim could see the wall still there, so he sighed and glanced around for a second. "You and I need to have a talk."
Blair pulled his arms out of the truck and wrinkled his eyebrows, a worried look crossing his face. "What about, Jim?"
Jim shrugged slightly, slapping his right fist into his left hand gently while he looked down at Blair. "About a lot of things. That's why I dragged you out here. The house can wait. There's something bothering you, and we need to get it worked out."
Blair shook his head, looking at the ground for a minute, "There's nothing bothering me, man. I'm fine." He reached back into the truck and took out a box of tools, glancing quickly back up at Jim.
Jim looked away, then back to Blair, rubbing his eyebrows with one hand. "Fine. We've got the weekend to get this worked out." He looked at Blair again, "But you're not getting back to Cascade until we've had a talk."
Blair laughed slightly, then turned towards the house. "Sure, anything you say, Jim. But there's nothing bothering me."
"Right," Jim said quietly to himself. He looked around for a few seconds, gazing at the houses next door, before picking up the last box of tools and supplies and following Blair into the house.
"So where do we start?" Blair had set the boxes down in the living room and was looking around the small house when Jim stepped inside.
Okay, we can take it slow. "Check that closet over there, to your right." Jim nodded towards the door as he set his box down. "Ted used to keep a vacuum cleaner here for the renters."
"Got it." Blair produced the machine from the small closet and began to unravel the cord.
"If it works, start in the bedroom. I think there are mice in there."
Blair stopped what he was doing and looked up. "Mice? You sure these are mice, Jim?"
"Relax, Sandburg. I only saw the evidence, not the mice themselves." Jim shot him a look of amused tolerance and nodded with his head toward the bedroom. "Just see what you can do with that old thing. Then work your way out here. I'm gonna get this kitchen cleaned out and then work on the bathroom."
Blair hesitated a moment longer, then took the vacuum cleaner into the bedroom and started working on the carpet. Jim laughed a little as he watched, then moved into the kitchen and opened up the refrigerator. He'd had his olfactory senses turned down completely before opening the fridge, but luckily, it was empty and merely smelled of cold, stale air. There were bits and pieces of things he couldn't, and didn't want to, identify, and something sticky all over the bottom tray, but with some hot soapy water, he felt confident it could be renewed to some semblance of cleanliness. Jim found a bucket, and some soap he had brought from home, along with a pair of rubber gloves, and a large sponge. He filled the bucket with hot water, listening to the pipes in the kitchen groan with disuse just as the bathroom had. The refrigerator cleaned up without too much hard work, so Jim moved on to the sink and counters, laughing now and again at the exclamations of disgust coming from Blair as he vacuumed the bedroom.
Jim hadn't really given much thought to the house and what he was planning to do with it once it was cleaned up. Looking at it now, he even wondered if cleaning it up was possible. Renters had done as much damage as being left empty for a year, and the house was really showing its age and construction quality. Landlording from Cascade was not an idea Jim was relishing, but keeping it for himself wasn't something he wanted, either. The house would require a new roof soon, and possibly all new plumbing. Then there were the property taxes, with a view like this, being right up against the shore, they would be st
eep. He could sell, but the house itself wasn't going to be worth much. Carolyn might have had the right idea, wanting nothing to do with the property. Jim finished up the kitchen as Blair was making his way down the hallway into the living room, with a permanent look of disgust on his expressive face. Jim chuckled as he passed his partner, and considered offering to switch jobs, but Blair was better with a vacuum than cleaning a bathroom.
The bathroom turned out to be less work than Jim expected, with the rust-colored scum cleaning off easily under hot, soapy water and a little elbow grease. By the time he finished, he heard the vacuum cleaner shut off, and Blair falling onto the couch with a sigh. He emptied the bucket down the tub, watching as it drained down easily, then glanced into the bedroom before joining his partner on the couch.
"I don't know if this Ted guy did you any favors, here, Jim," Blair said tiredly.
"Yeah, well, like I said, I should have come out here sooner." He sat back and sighed, gazing at the ceiling. There were stains in spots, indicating several leaks. The house had gas heat, but also sported a small fireplace in the far wall, opposite the couch. Above the mantle was an old clock, still working, with a large, brass pendulum swinging back and forth slowly. Jim watched as the clock reached 4pm, then announced the time with four loud chimes.
"You hungry?" he asked, still leaning back on the couch, with his head resting against the cushions.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Good. You can fix dinner. I want to check the roof before it gets too dark." Jim slapped his knees and stood, looking down at Blair who was still sitting on the couch, showing no signs of getting up. Jim just shook his head and walked out to the driveway, looking for a ladder. He had forgotten to bring one, and debated asking a neighbor, but changed his mind and moved the truck up closer to the house. By climbing onto the cab, he could easily lift himself to the roof. Once up, he carefully walked along the entire house, checking for any signs of dryrot or bad shingles. The entire roof needed replacing, but he didn't find any obvious holes or seriously sagging areas. Once done, he sat down on the pitch and gazed out over the ocean. The view was incredible, better than he remembered, with the sun slowly sinking down below the waves at the far horizon. The sky was turning orange, reflecting off the wet sand below. Jim was aware of noises coming from the other houses, teenagers shouting, music playing, all in conflict with the serenity he could see before him. There was a time when all these houses were used for vacationers only, but with the build-up in the area of large business and factories, more and more people were living here on a permanent basis, bringing their clutter and noise with them.
Choices Page 2
