by Randy Palmer
The Billiken model kit of Beulah from It Conquered the World was accurate to the last detail. It even included the peephole (between and slightly above the eyes) that allowed Blaisdell to see outside the wood and foam-rubber hide of the creature costume (courtesy of Bob Burns).
With Paul’s monsters still appearing in national publications 40 years after their celluloid debuts, it’s certainly reasonable to think that they will continue to be resurrected from time to time both in print and on film. That in itself is a testament to Blaisdell’s artistic vision and talent. Those who derided his contributions to film fantasy as too low-budget to withstand the test of time—and there have been many—have been proven wrong. Before it became fashionable to embrace the films of the 1950s, few people had a kind word to say about Paul Blaisdell, his monsters, or the movies in which they appeared. For far too long, low-budget was equated with low-value and low-talent and even low-intelligence. The true fans, those who applauded Blaisdell’s visions of otherworldly nightmares, were few and far between. Today, thankfully, things are much different, and the 1950s are recognized as a legitimate source for monsters, mayhem, and most important of all, memories.
Even the most dedicated Blaisdell fan will admit that some of the pictures he worked on during his all-too-brief career were less than inspired. Nevertheless, the quality of these films is not an issue, for they cannot compromise Blaisdell’s inherent artistry. He gave us a legacy of low-budget wonders that remain as endearing (if not quite as popular) as the movie monsters produced by Jack Pierce and a host of other Hollywood artists.
In an era that celebrated anonymity as opposed to the high-profile, high-priced effects experts of today, Blaisdell was a one-man wonder who was equally comfortable flying bats and spaceships or making monsters, miniatures, micro- and macroscopic props, arachnid makeups, wind-up automatons, and full-scale corpses. He could figure out how to make a disembodied hand with injectable fingernails crawl up the back of a car seat or how to get a Flying Finger to “breathe” on camera. In today’s market, with not just individuals but entire organizations specializing in the production of one type of film effect, be it miniatures, masks, animatronics, props, or what-have-you, doing everything yourself might seem preposterous, improbable, or impossible. In Paul’s time, it was simply a matter of logistics dictated by necessity. “Do I have any regrets?” he once said. Well, sure. “If I could go back and change anything, the first thing I would change would be my paycheck. And the second thing would be my expense account!”
Most important to remember, however, is this: whatever Paul Blaisdell’s creations might have lacked in photo-realism and big budget finesse was more than compensated for by that most important, but least costly ingredient of all—imagination itself.
* Ruffalo never revealed how much money was involved but admitted that the fees paid to Arkoff were “substantial.”
† The sale prices included a percentage of the copyright fees that were paid to Sam Arkoff.
‡ A stunning model of “Marty the Mutant” was more recently developed by sculptor Bruce Turner. When Billiken canceled its Day the World Ended project, Turner decided to issue his own version to the collectors' market in a limited edition.
Appendix
In a way it’s kind of fun to listen to these old things again after so many years, and in another way it’s not because it makes me realize how much I miss Paul and all the fun we used to have. The stuff on these [pages] shows a side of Paul that not too many people knew about. He was really good at this type of thing, and he used to really enjoy it and have a lot of fun doing it. So many people thought he was strictly a monster-maker, and that he was pretty serious all the time. But if he knew you and liked you, it was a whole different story.
—Bob Burns
Paul Blaisdell and Bob Burns spent numerous hours together recording humorous skits and radio spoofs on a home tape recorder. Most of these recordings were made in the mid– and late–1950s and in the early 1960s.
Transcribing an audio recording to the printed page can be somewhat difficult, especially when working with amateur recordings made with nonprofessional equipment. The following transcriptions include as much verbatim dialogue from the tapes as it was possible to obtain. Sound effects have been rendered in typical comic-book style ( “KA-BOOM!”). I found this to be the most effective shorthand way of transcribing a particular effect.
I have endeavored to be as accurate as possible in the transcriptions; the quality of some of the tapes tended to obscure certain words and phrases, however. In these cases my own personal judgment was exercised, which sometimes meant adding the word which seemed most likely to have been used by the actors in the appropriate context. I believe the transcriptions are about 98 percent accurate.
Please keep in mind that except for the titles marked with an asterisk, the following performances were made in a home setting, not a professional studio.
“The Joust”
“The Joust” was a two- or three-minute skit that was really an experiment to see if the sounds of a crowd could be created by just two people. Sound effects generated from clapping hands, gloved hands, and different kitchen utensils were added by both Burns and Blaisdell, although it was Blaisdell who used a harmonica to simulate the sound of the trumpets.
Trumpets blare. A sepulchural voice calls out: “Let the tournament begin. The Black Shield against the Black Knight.” There is the sound of horses’ hooves thumping against the cracked earth. Then the impact of the steel lance as it penetrates a warrior’s flesh.
“Ooooohh … oh, oh, oh, oh … yowwch … ungh.” A body collapses on the ground.
A voice pipes up: “Curse you, Black Shield!” The whoosh of an unsheathed sword surprises the opponent. Unexpectedly, the piercing clash of steel against steel rends the still air. The fight continued, now on foot. Before long …
“Aarrghhhh!” Somebody collapses. Again.
“The Black Shield has won the match,” intones the announcer. “And now—urgh” Someone—presumably the Black Shield—runs the announcer through as well.
The trumpets blare, the crowd cheers. Fade out.
“The Professor and Horace in ‘Conquest of Mars’”
Some of Jackie’s favorite skits involved characters Paul called “The Professor and Horace.” The characters first appeared in the following skit, “Conquest of Mars.” According to Bob Burns, there was no script prepared in advance. Blaisdell and Burns just sat down with the tape recorder, brainstormed a couple of ideas, then did a “take.” The final product is somewhat rough, as might be expected, but it illuminates a side of Blaisdell that many did not know existed. “Paul could be very aloof, very quiet, especially on the film sets,” explained Burns. “Because of that, some people thought he was just kind of stuck up. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth. People would have been surprised to learn how funny and zany Paul could actually be when he wanted.”
Harmonica intro.
Announcer (Bob Burns): Bagby’s Bunsen Burner Company, in conjunction with the British Broadcasting Company, presents for your listening pleasure, “Conquest of Mars,” starring Professor Lancelot Lushwell and his assistant, Horace Higgenbottom.
Narrator: As our story opens, we find them in their laboratory early one Monday morning …
Prof. Lushwell (Paul Blaisdell, using an elderly British accent) : Horace, be a good fellow and light the bunsen burner for me.
Horace (Bob Burns): Right-o, professor!
B-BLAM! There is the sound of a near-nuclear explosion. A moment later, Prof. Lushwell pushes his way out of a pile of debris.
Prof. Lushwell: Horace old fellow, I believe there’s a gas leak in the laboratory somewhere.
Horace: By the way, professor, you know that Comono Dragon we brought back last year that lived in the cage back there? I believe he’s getting hungry.
Prof. Lushwell: Good heavens, Horace, I know what it is! He’s after the bloomin’ lollipops in me hip pocket!
&nbs
p; Dragon: Aarrrrooooaaarrrrr!
Prof. Lushwell: We can’t escape by the front door, Horace. All the creditors are out there waiting for us. Whatever will we do?
Horace: I say! We can get out the back door here and blast off in our rocketship!
They scurry out the back door and arrive huffing and puffing at the rocket pad.
Prof. Lushwell: Here we are, old boy. I’ll open the hatch so we can climb in.
They climb inside the craft.
Horace: I say, it’s awfully dark in here, professor.
Prof. Lushwell: I haven’t had the batteries installed yet, Horace. But here, I brought this bunsen burner with me. Will you give us a light, old fellow?
Horace: Right-o, professor!
KA-BOOM! There is another explosion, the sound of more debris being shoved aside.
Prof. Lushwell: Oh well. Give me a hand here, Horace, and we’ll try to swish some of this wreckage out of the hatch.
Horace: Right-o, professor!
The debris is swept away.
Horace: I believe that’s all of it, sir.
Prof. Lushwell: Very good, Horace. Which planet shall we blast off to, old boy?
Horace: Oh, I’d like to see Mars, sir, hee-hee-hee!
Prof. Lushwell: Well, slip yourself in your seat and Mars it is. Stand by for takeoff.
Horace: Oh, jolly well!
Prof. Lushwell: Start the pumps, Horace.
Horace: Right-o, sir.
The rocket engines kick into high gear. The craft lifts off from its launching pad on a direct course for Mars.
Prof. Lushwell: I say, Horace, that’s a little bit of all right, we’re past the moon already, old fellow!
Horace: Hoo-hoo! By George! Sir, look out the window out there. I see a disc-shaped object coming at us. I wonder if it’s hostile?
Prof. Lushwell: I don’t know, Horace. Do you suppose it could be one of those confounded flying saucers?
Horace: Ooh, oh, ho-ho! Do you think so, sir? Oh, ho!
Prof. Lushwell: It seems to have some sort of a weapon on top, a projectile cannon or something.
Horace: Oh, ho-ho! I’m getting frightened, sir! It’s getting too close!
Prof. Lushwell: So am I, Horace. I’m afraid we never should have left the laboratory.
Horace and Prof. Lushwell (together): Aieeeee!
KA-BAROOM! An explosion rocks the ship. After a moment, the rocketeers push their way out of yet another pile of debris.
Prof. Lushwell: Sometimes I have a horrible feeling that this has all happened before. Oh, well. It’s a good thing we had our spacesuits on. No one got hurt. I’ll turn up my radio a bit. Horace? Horace, can you hear me? Over!
Horace: Yes, sir, I can hear you, sir. But I—I just don’t quite see this floating around like this, sir, in a spacesuit. It sort of scares me. I lose my sense of up and down, sir.
Prof. Lushwell: Don’t worry, Horace, old fellow. We still have the ship’s original velocity. We should reach Mars very shortly even without our rocket.
Horace: Oh, ho-ho! Jolly well once again, sir.
He looks up.
Horace: I—I say, professor, Mars is getting frightfully close, and at our present velocity I’m afraid we’ll make quite an impression on it. Is there any way we can slow down, sir?
Prof. Lushwell: I have an idea, Horace, old fellow. I just happen to have a bunsen burner here in the pocket of my space suit. Would you be good enough to light it with your acetylene torch, old fellow?
Horace: Right-o, professor!
Prof. Lushwell: When you have it lit, Horace, point it in the general direction of Mars. That should slow us down sufficiently.
Horace: Oh, ho-ho! Right-o sir, right away!
KA-BLAM! There goes another explosion. And here come the bodies crawling out from under the debris. (Debris from where? Who knows?)
Prof. Lushwell: Oh dear, dear. Now my spacesuit’s gone, too. Well, I shan’t need it anyway. There seems to be air on the bloody planet. I still have my long johns, too. I say, Horace, this doesn’t look much like Old Blitey, does it?
Horace: No, sir, it doesn’t. But it does look an awful lot like the Sahara Desert, sir. I wonder if we could find one of those canals they’re always talking about, sir?
Prof. Lushwell: Well, it’s quite possible. Here now Horace, I’ll go this way, and you go over there. Now don’t forget to holler if you find water.
Horace: Oh, ho-ho! Right-o, sir, I certainly will. There must be some place around here that’s got some water.
Horace looks all around. He spots something.
Horace: By George! Professor! I found some waaaaaaaaaa—
Horace steps off the edge of a cliff.
Horace: Gulp, gak! Cough-cough!
Prof. Lushwell: Hang on Horace, old fellow, I’m coming. Oh. Heh-heh. I see you found the water, didn’t you, eh? Heh-heh.
Horace: Gak!
Prof. Lushwell: Here, give me your hand and I’ll pull you out of the bloody mess. Ummph!
The professor strains to rescue Horace.
Horace: Whew! Why, thank you, sir! I’m afraid I … I … achooo!
Prof. Lushwell: Ugh! Don’t catch cold now.
Horace (now speaking with stopped-up sinuses): Oh, I don’t think I will, sir, but I wonder, is there any way possible we could light a fire? I’d like to dry out, sir. Eh? I’m afraid that I … I … achooo!
Prof. Lushwell: Well, I’ll tell you, Horace old man, I believe I have here in my long johns another one of those … ah, yes, here it is … a bunsen burner. Now light this, old fellow. It’ll warm you up in a jiffy.
Horace: Oh, jolly good! I’m bound to get some warmth pretty soon. Now, where is that match? Oh, here it is, hee-hee.
BA-BA-BOOM! Yep, there’s another explosion. After a few moments, the professor and Horace pull themselves free of the debris.
Prof. Lushwell: Oh dear, oh dear….
Horace: Ummph….
Prof. Lushwell: I say, Horace, old fellow, we’d be lost if I ever ran out of bunsen burners now, wouldn’t we?
Horace: He-heh. You’re certainly right, sir. Uh, by the way, sir, have you noticed these thousands of little creatures standing around us? They must not be over two feet high, sir!
Prof. Lushwell: By George, you’re right, Horace!
Shrill, high-pitched voices gibber noisily all around them.
Horace: I say, sir, can you understand what they’re saying, sir?
Prof. Lushwell: I’ll tell you, Horace, thanks to the fact that I spent long years in His Majesty’s Foreign Service in India, I believe I can translate what they’re saying.
Horace: Well, I’d suggest you start translating, sir. They look rather mean.
Prof. Lushwell: Oh, very well, Horace. Here, this little fellow seems to be their chief. I’ll talk to him.
Alien Chief (excitedly): Gobble-de-gook-de-gobble-de-gook-de….
Prof. Lushwell: Uh, he says, Horace, that, uh, they’re going to boil us in oil because they think we’ve declared war on them. That last explosion, you know.
Horace: Oh, hoo-hoo-hoo! What are we going to do now, sir?
Prof. Lushwell: Well, there’s only one thing to do. I’ll have to show him that we come in peace and friendship. Here, I’ll bring this little present I brought along with me to the chief.
The professor hands over a gift to the Martian chief.
Horace: By George, it looks like he sort of likes it, all right.
Prof. Lushwell: Quick, Horace! Run for it while he’s looking at the present!
They begin running across the Martian sands.
Horace: B—but why are we running away, sir? He’s just going to open the present. What should we run for?
Prof. Lushwell: I’ll tell you, Horace. It just so happens that the present I gave him is one of those bloomin’ bunsen burners.
Horace: Oh, ho-ho-ho-nooo!
Prof. Lushwell: Right-o!
KA-BLOOEY! And after a moment, the sound of debris being pushed asi
de.
Prof. Lushwell: Umph! Umph! Oh, lord, I say, what a bloody nuisance. You know, Horace, sometimes I have a feeling we should’ve never left home.
Horace: I believe you’re right, sir.
Prof. Lushwell: I say, Horace, look over there. It seems to be some sort of machine that the little people left.
Horace: By George, it is. Why, look! It says here, “Step inside—teleportation machine. Set dial for destination. Mercury, Earth, Venus …” Earth! Oh, let’s go home, sir. I’m awfully tired of this place.
Prof. Lushwell: All right Horace, old fellow. I’ve had enough myself. Let’s get inside here and close the door.
Horace: All right.
Prof. Lushwell: Are you ready now?
Horace: All ready, sir.
Prof. Lushwell: Okay, let’s step inside.
Horace: All right.
They climb inside the machine.
Prof. Lushwell: There, the door is closed.
Horace: Sir, it’s awfully dark in here. I can’t see anything, sir.
Prof. Lushwell: Well, I tell you, I can just make out a button over there in the corner. Why don’t you push it? It seems to be a light switch of some sort.
Horace: Right-o, sir.
KA-BLAMMEY! The two compatriots climb out of the debris.
Prof. Lushwell: Ummph.
Horace: Huff-huff-puff.
Prof. Lushwell: Lordie … I say, that was a jolly fast way to get home! I’ll have to make a note of that sometime when I have a pencil. Oh, oh dear, I seem to have lost my long johns, too, this trip.
Horace: Oh no, sir.
Prof. Lushwell: Uh-oh. I believe I’m catching your cold. Cough-cough! I—I think I’m going to sneeze,—aaaahhhhh …
KA-CHOOO! The sneeze turns into another explosion.
Announcer: Bagby’s Bunsen Burner Company has just brought you “The Conquest of Mars,” starring Prof. Lancelot Lushwell and his assistant, Horace Higgenbottom. However, in future programs, these two men will no longer be with us due to circumstances beyond our control. However, next week we will have a very interesting program for you. And let me leave you with this thought. If you like bunsen burners, you’ll get a bang out of Bagby’s.
