by Megg Jensen
I stared at Bryden, not knowing what else to do. Kellan was angrier, but he also fell in love with me after his Awakening. He’d changed, but it wasn’t all bad. Part of it was better than good, it was amazing. He loved me now, just like I’d always loved him.
“He only wants what’s best for our people,” I whispered.
“He only wants what’s best for him,” Bryden countered. “You can’t trust him.”
“Why should I believe you?” I asked. “We haven’t been friends since we were children. You’re the one who broke up our friendship. Why do you care so much now?”
Bryden grabbed my arm, yanking on it, and urging me to sit down with him on a nearby bench. I wondered if he was tired from standing for so long. His limp became more pronounced as we walked to the bench.
“I’m not sixteen yet,” Bryden continued once we were settled on the wooden slab, “but I had my Awakening already. My accident triggered the Awakening. I think it’s because I was so close to death. Three of our people came to me late one night while I slept in my bed. They begged me not to tell anyone.”
“You’ve known for almost ten years?” I asked. I thought back to the little boy I used to play with on a daily basis. I’d been better friends with him than Kellan but after his accident, Bryden had changed.
Whereas he’d once been a happy little boy, after the accident he lashed out at everyone around him. We’d all assumed it was his anger over his leg. But now, I saw a different picture. A little boy, burdened not only with a lame leg but also the weight of his people’s struggles and their desperation for freedom. Knowing that he had no one to confide in and his only two allies wouldn’t be awakened for ten more years. It must have seemed an eternity to him.
I threw my arms around Bryden, finding it the only useful way to express myself. His arms made a tentative circle around my body and I only squeezed him harder, resting my head on his shoulder. Being in his embrace was so different from Kellan’s rough, possessive grasp.
“I wish I would have known.” I pulled away, surprised at the tenderness of his embrace. “For the first year I cried because you wouldn’t see me anymore. I didn’t care that your leg was lame, there were so many other games we could have played sitting down.”
“I couldn’t tell you,” Bryden said. “Even though I was little, I suddenly understood things better than any child should. I knew you wouldn’t understand and I knew I could never be the same easygoing boy again. I had to let you go.”
“I’m so sorry I haven’t been nice to you the last few years,” I said. The guilt overwhelmed me. The angry fires in my belly felt like they were doused with water for a moment as the pain dispersed.
“It’s not your fault, Lianne. I pushed you away on purpose. Besides, you were never mean to me, just indifferent. It’s exactly how I wanted you to be. I couldn’t handle it if you were mean to me, like…” I knew who he meant. Kellan.
Kellan and Bryden had never been friends. Not even before the accident. He hadn’t liked either of us, preferring to keep to himself. But after Bryden pushed me away, I found myself frequenting the warrior compounds more. None of the Fithian children wanted to play with me so I sought out Kellan. Aric found me peeking in a doorway and gestured me inside. After that Aric wouldn’t acknowledge me, because he knew I wasn’t supposed to be there.
I’d stand in the back of the combat practice room and imitate his every move as he practiced his morning meditation. Kellan sat in the corner and sulked. He wanted nothing to do with me or his dad, but after a few months of watching me, he began practicing too. It was only after Aric was sure we were both interested and dedicated that he began teaching us to fight.
Teaching adoptees was risky for Aric. We were brought here for a peaceful mission, not to fight, but he continued every morning. It never occurred to me to invite Bryden. Even with his lame leg, he could have learned so much. Maybe he would have found a way to build up some strength in it. But I didn’t invite him because I thought he didn’t want to be my friend anymore.
Over the years I grew closer to Kellan, and cared less about Bryden. Kellan, on the other hand, who’d ignored both of us for years, decided the time had come to pick on Bryden. I ignored it or disappeared when it happened. First it was verbal, and then it progressed to the physical, tripping Bryden when the adults weren’t looking or shoving him to the side. The Fithian kids thought it was hilarious and Kellan became a hero to them. But still, he wasn’t enough like them to become friends.
Bryden’s balance had been terrible since the accident; his leg offered him little stability. He always fell and I never helped him up. Instead I always stood in Kellan’s shadow, pretending I’d seen nothing.
“I wish I would have done something,” I said. “It was wrong.”
Bryden shrugged. “It was wrong. But I’d like to think it’s over now. Can we move past it? Start from here?”
I nodded, feeling like a little girl again. I had my friend back. I knew it probably wouldn’t be so simple, but I wanted it to be. I had so few friends and a new one was always welcome.
“But you can’t confide in Kellan anymore, Lianne. You have to trust me when I say he’s not on the same team as us.”
My heart tore at itself, one side ripped by Bryden, my oldest dearest friend. The other by Kellan, the boy I’d loved for years who finally loved me.
“He’s taking the wrong path,” Bryden said. “I’m sure our people wouldn’t approve of us killing innocent babies.”
My eyebrows rose. Kellan said no one but him knew the specific plan that the spies from our nation had given him.
“How do you know that?”
“I haven’t spent the last ten years sitting on my butt, Lianne. People don’t notice me much. In fact, they try to ignore me because of my limp. No one wants to be seen with an adoptee, much less a crippled one. I learned to blend in, to go wherever I wanted and no one would notice me.”
I was impressed. I’d spent the last ten years learning to fight and he’d spent them being sneaky. Neither one of us had wasted our free time.
“I suspected Kellan was planning something, so I followed him. I heard his meeting with those three men, the same three who visited me. They asked him to keep watch over you until our people could come for us. No one asked him to kill anyone and they didn’t tell him about me either.”
“But he said they gave him plans.”
“They didn’t,” Bryden insisted. “All they want is for us to be their eyes and ears. They are asking nothing of us yet. But...this might not have been his first meeting with them. It was after his birthday, just days before they were caught and executed.”
My mind swirled with the possibilities. If Bryden was telling the truth, then Kellan was lying. I didn’t know who to believe. “But we have to do something,” I insisted. “If the king still rules then our people remain captive. That’s wrong too.”
“I know, I know, but I can’t see that killing him would make any difference, can you?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.” I thought of what the king said yesterday, how he threatened my life. The world would be a better place without him. But was it my place to decide who lived and who died?
“I have a plan. One that doesn’t involve killing. I know you’ve trained for years to become a warrior, Lianne. But deep down do you have the heart of a warrior or a heart filled with love? Think about it.”
I placed my hands on my lap and stared at my fingernails. I didn’t know where else to look. My heart was filled with love for Mags and the boys, but the newfound fire within me burned for the destruction of the Fithian king. I wanted revenge. I wanted Rotlar to pay for what they did to my people.
“I know you need time to think about all of this, but I have only one thing to ask of you,” he said. I looked up into his eyes, the same blue eyes as mine. “Please don’t tell Kellan about me. I don’t know why the men who visited us didn’t tell him, but maybe they had their reasons.”
“The men?” I a
sked, remembering that the king had just captured and killed them. “They were coming to see me, weren’t they?”
Bryden nodded. “I would assume so. They visited me and Kellan, it only makes sense they were coming to see you as well.”
They died because of me. The king killed them and it was all my fault. Guilt gnawed at my belly, only making the fires dance higher.
I’d all but forgotten about finding Kellan when he walked up to Bryden and me on the bench. He stared at us, looking at one face and then another. His eyebrows arched and his head tilted to one side.
“What’s going on here?” he asked.
“We were just chatting,” I said. Bryden sat silently beside me.
“Chatting? Really? I was under the impression you and I were together and here I find you with another guy.” Kellan smiled, his attempt at a joke, but it fell flat. We both knew he wanted information and that he wasn’t questioning my feelings for him. He didn’t trust me.
“I guess I shouldn’t be worried.” Kellan’s eyes narrowed. He stared at Bryden. “With that leg, a warrior like Lianne would never have any interest in you anyway.”
He turned back to me, a smile on his face just like the twelve-year-old boy who’d spent his free time torturing Bryden. I sat in stunned silence. He hadn’t been that overtly rude to Bryden since we were children. We were practically adults, dealing with adult problems, and he had to pull out a childish remark like that. What was wrong with him?
“Are you coming?” Kellan held out his hand to me.
I glanced over at Bryden. He still looked down, not willing to meet either of our eyes. If it had been me, I would have been shaking with anger. Instead Bryden sat there, taking Kellan’s insults without responding. Why didn’t he fight back?
“You don’t need his permission,” Kellan said.
Now Bryden looked up, his eyes meeting mine. I noticed they were a lighter blue than Kellan’s eyes. Subtler. Kinder. The anger resurfaced. I tried pushing it down, remembering how I’d felt not long ago after meditating, but I couldn’t.
Heat rose into my cheeks. I could barely control myself. Kellan was trying to take over. Bryden sat there like a child, unwilling to do anything to help himself. Both of them were pissing me off.
“I don’t need your permission, either,” I spat back at Kellan. It wasn’t his place to tell me who I could or couldn’t talk to. I expected him to explode back at me, but instead he threw his head back and laughed.
Bryden rolled his eyes and I clenched my fists. I had to control myself or I’d go insane. For the moment I hated both of them, instead of just the Fithians.
“I’m leaving,” I announced. Let Kellan be alone with his cockiness and Bryden with his timidity.
I stood up and walked away. I didn’t want to be around either of them right now. Bryden wanted me to be able to control my anger enough to find a peaceful solution and Kellan wanted me to channel it into a death plot. I wasn’t ready for either.
Worst of all, I couldn’t control myself around either of them.
Chapter Nine
Footsteps pounded behind me and I knew it was Kellan. Not because Bryden couldn’t run, but because I knew every sound Kellan made. Training with him for years gave me intimate knowledge of his movements. I’d learned which way he’d attack even when my back was turned.
“Go away,” I said over my shoulder. I didn’t want to talk to him. I thought I’d made that clear when I walked away.
Kellan placed a hand on my arm. I shook it off, noticing that for the first time ever his touch lead to no reaction. Nothing. No tingles. No shaking. No longing for more.
My stomping ceased and dirt flew up around my ankles. I was too busy wondering what had happened to my feelings for Kellan to push off the dirt.
“Look,” he said, stepping in front of me. I stepped to the side but he shadowed me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things to Bryden.”
“So why aren’t you apologizing to him?” I asked.
Kellan looked over my shoulder. “He’s gone.”
I turned around. Bryden had disappeared again, just like he had for the last ten years. I wondered where he’d gone and when I’d see him next. Now that I knew not to underestimate him, that he’d always done what he thought was best for all of us, I looked forward to it.
I turned back to Kellan. For a moment I’d forgotten he was standing in front of me. His hair hung over one eye, but I didn’t want to push it out of the way like I’d longed to yesterday morning.
“That was rude,” I said. “You were rude. I can speak to whomever I choose anytime I want.”
“I know you can, Lianne. I was just worried you were telling him about his Awakening. His birthday isn’t for a couple months yet. The men told me it could be devastating to his mind if the spell is tampered with too soon. I don’t want anything to happen to Bryden,” he insisted. “I’m only trying to help.”
I’d seen Kellan lie so many times, usually in the heat of battle. The only times he’d ever looked me in the eye, without blinking, were the times when he lied to me. I watched his lashes, unmoving, as he stared at me. Bryden was right.
“Am I supposed to believe that?” I asked, pushing him away. Kellan stumbled, obviously surprised by my reaction. Up until now I’d batted my eyelashes at him every time he opened his mouth. Not anymore. He’d have to learn that it was time for me to form my own opinions, in and out of the sparring ring.
He surprised me by laughing again. His head tilted backward and his hair fell back into place.
“I was wondering how the Awakening would affect you,” he said, catching his breath. “I wondered if it would make you feistier, like when you’re in the ring. It definitely has.”
Kellan pulled me into his arms and kissed me. I flattened my palms against his chest, trying to push him away. But his upper arm strength won out over mine. It always did in the ring, which is why I always avoided getting too close to him.
“Stop it,” I mumbled into his lips, refusing to kiss him back.
Kellan nibbled my lower lip one last time before pulling away, but he still held me tight in his arms.
“I was waiting for this,” he said.
“What?”
“For you to drop the sweet little girl act. It’s time to grow up and act like the warrior you are, Lianne.”
“So the reason we got together on your birthday? It was only because you were waiting for the angrier version of me?”
Kellan smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Tell me you don’t like yourself better this way.”
My stomach twisted in knots. All these years I’d loved him unconditionally and he’d only decided to love me because he knew that one day I’d be angrier, tougher, less like the real me. It wasn’t me he loved, just a shadow of the girl he hoped I’d become. And now he thought he had that girl.
Too bad for him the old me wasn’t completely gone, only trying to find a way to reconcile herself with the new girl inside.
“I can’t be around you right now,” I said, stepping backward.
“Lianne.” Kellan’s eyes narrowed. He looked at me the same way he’d looked at Bryden only moments ago. I felt reviled, hated. “Don’t do this. We have a mission. Our people are counting on us and we need to work together.”
“I don’t need to do anything,” I said.
“Yes, you do,” Kellan said. “You have to realize that. Our people are suffering, dying, at home and we have the chance to change that. Don’t you get it Lianne? We’re the only chance the Dalagans have.”
He blinked. He wasn’t lying this time, at least I didn’t think he was. I wanted to know why this was so important to Kellan.
“Think of your family, the people who gave birth to you. They are counting on you to save them. They gave you up so you could save them. How can you turn your backs on them?”
I wavered. He was right. I did have a biological family back at home. But, I didn’t know them. The only family I knew was here. Not my mother an
d sister. I loved them about as much as they loved me. But, Mags, the boys, and Aric had been kind to me and they were my family.
“You have the opportunity to save our people.”
“I didn’t ask for this.”
“No, but you are the one person who’s best equipped to do it,” he said. “You have access to the royal chambers. You’re a seasoned fighter.”
“You can gain access,” I said. “You can fight.”
Kellan placed a hand on my shoulder, pulling me closer.
“But I’m not you, Lianne. You have always been better than me.”
His words struck my heart, bypassing all of the anger I had. Kellan had never admitted that anyone could be better than him at anything. It wasn’t a comment used in anger. He was opening himself to me in a way I’d always dreamed about.
My anger dissolved as quickly as it had flared. I reached up and touched Kellan’s cheek. His muscles were slack, none of the tenseness of anger bit through.
“I don’t know if I can,” I whispered.
“I trust you, Lianne. I’m here to help you every step of the way. You know me. You know my heart. You know how much I love you.”
I leaned over and whispered in his ear, “I love you too.”
Tears dropped from my eyes as Kellan encircled me with his strong arms. He held me tight and I laid my head on his shoulder.
He was right and I knew it. I was the only one who could get close enough to the throne. But to kill someone, even the thought of it, tore at my insides. Yes, I’d been trained to fight. Yes, I could probably defeat anyone in combat. But to kill a man, even an evil man like King Rotlar, was more than I could bear to think about.
With my anger at a low level, I concentrated more on my heart. It pounded, delighted to be in Kellan’s embrace. But a small part whispered Bryden’s name.
Chapter Ten
Over the next few weeks, I spent most of my free time in Kellan’s arms. I’d looked for Bryden for a few days, but he’d disappeared again, just like when we were children. I let him go, knowing he probably needed the time to himself. Instead I’d spent my days running errands for Mags and Trevin and my nights holed up with Kellan. My mornings were spent trying to shake off more nightmares about boats and the river.
