Cosmo and the Great Witch Escape

by Gwyneth Rees

  ‘But, Sybil—’

  ‘Any witch who harms a cat will end up as a puff of green smoke, blah, blah, blah . . . That’s what Murdina said too. But I’ve told her that’s just a load of superstitious nonsense!’

  ‘But, Sybil, it’s not nonsense! What about your mother? Didn’t you say that was how she—?’

  ‘Selina, my dear, you are much cleverer than Murdina so I may as well come clean with you. As you and I both know, most witches are affected by the ancient curse that forbids witches to harm cats. My mother certainly was! But I have human blood in me, which mean I am more powerful than other witches. I certainly can harm cats and get away with it. Why else do you think that pesky Cosmo is so afraid of me? In fact, if there’s ever any cat that you want to get rid of, Selina, you are welcome to ask for my help!’ She chuckled. ‘Now . . . I’ve managed to persuade Murdina that no harm will come to her if she gives me a special ready-made spell that I can put into action all on my own.’

  ‘What kind of spell?’ Selina asked curiously.

  ‘The unmentionably evil kind of course! And it’s going to be heading in the direction of my least favourite kitten – and all the other kittens I’ve heard his stuck-up mother is about to give birth to.’

  ‘You mean—?’ Selina broke off, overcome by a mixture of dumb admiration and total disbelief.

  ‘If this spell works,’ Sybil cackled, ‘I shall be out of prison along with all the other witches – and the only ones who’ll be getting turned into frogs will be pesky Cosmo and his family!’

  7

  The following morning Scarlett’s school hall was crammed with cats. There were big cats and small cats, alley cats and house cats, moggy cats and pedigree cats, witch-cats and non witch-cats. Most of the cats were fully grown but there were also quite a few kittens, including Cosmo, Mia, Matty and Hagnus. The two Siamese kittens had already been given permission to enter the competition by their mother, who was also going to take part.

  Cleo himself was standing on top of one of the sinks in the toilets, staring at himself in the mirror. He had just spent over an hour grooming his long, slightly tangled fur when he had noticed that a hand-dryer was fixed to the wall and that a stool had been placed just underneath it. He had realized that if he jumped up on to the stool he could stand on his hind legs and reach the button that switched on the dryer. So that was what he had done – his fur was wet from the intensive licking he had given it and he needed to dry off.

  Finding the electric dryer had set Cleo thinking about his past. A long time ago, when he had been little more than a kitten, he had had his fur shampooed regularly by his first human family, who had blow-dried it very carefully each time. Cleo had relished all the attention, and even now the sound of a hairdryer always gave him a warm glow inside. But his humans had wanted to show him off at cat shows, and when they had realized that his nose was too long to win any prizes they had given him away to another family instead. Cleo’s second family hadn’t minded about his nose, but they hadn’t bothered to shampoo him or dry him with a hairdryer – in fact they had treated him just like any other cat. And that was when Cleo had decided to run away and set up his own catwalk show, where he would be the judge of who was a prize-winning cat and who wasn’t. And he had vowed that he would never, under any circumstances, allow flat-faced Persian cats with short noses to enter any of his competitions.

  But soon, Cleo told himself, none of that was going to matter any more. And he found himself purring with pleasure as he remembered the thing that Selina Slaughter had promised to do for him in return for all the hairballs he was going to give her.

  In the assembly hall the throng of waiting cats was getting restless, and impatient mutterings of, ‘Where is he then?’ could be heard around the room.

  ‘We shouldn’t really be here,’ Mia was mewing to Cosmo nervously. ‘What if our parents find out?’

  ‘They just said we weren’t allowed to enter the competition,’ Cosmo pointed out. ‘They didn’t say we weren’t allowed to come and watch.’

  Meowface suddenly jumped up on to the upturned box where Cleo was due to sit in a few moments, and called out loudly for silence. ‘I need to let you know about the entry fee before Cleo comes to tell you about the competition,’ he miaowed, in such a loud voice that even the cats at the very back of the hall could hear him quite easily. ‘The entry fee for this competition is one hairball per cat. When you have delivered this you will be admitted to the auditions. The auditions will start at this time tomorrow.’

  ‘But I thought the auditions were today,’ someone mewed.

  ‘Cleo is postponing them until tomorrow, to allow you time to bring up your hairballs. Oh – and you must make sure they don’t have any fleas in them.’

  A surprised murmur went round the room, especially from the more flea-ridden cats in the audience.

  ‘I know it’s tricky but you’ll just have to watch where you’re licking,’ Meowface said. ‘Now . . . will everyone please give a big welcome to the host of this competition . . . Yes . . . it’s the cat you’ve all been waiting to meet . . . it’s the one and only . . . Cleo Cattrap!’

  A lot of catcalling filled the room as Cleo finally appeared in the doorway of the assembly hall. Cleo waited for the other cats to step back and create a passage for him, then he walked into the room, swinging his hindquarters extra-elegantly and holding his chin up as high as it would go as he drank in the welcome he was receiving. His own entrance was always his favourite part of every catwalk competition.

  Finally he reached the upturned box, which Meowface had now vacated, and jumped up on top of it. He waited until his audience became silent before addressing them in his most refined voice.

  ‘I am delighted that so many of you have come to audition for my Amazing Catwalk Extravaganza!’ he announced. ‘The auditions will start tomorrow, but today I will tell you what I am looking for in my winning cats.’ He paused dramatically, twitching his whiskers as he scanned the crowd of eager feline faces. ‘I am looking for none other than the F factor!’ he boomed out. ‘I am looking for the ultimate in feline beauty, poise, hygiene, personality and vocal ability! That means that only cats with the shiniest coats, the most attractive ears, the best posture, the brightest eyes, the most tuneful miaows, the sweetest-smelling bottoms and the fishiest breaths will be picked to enter my catwalk competition.’ He pointed out the catwalk itself, which some of his audience seemed surprised to see was just the school bench that had been left in the middle of the floor. ‘On the day of the competition I will choose the three winners,’ Cleo continued, ‘and the cat who comes First will be crowned catwalk king . . . or queen,’ he added quickly, as six rather large female cats in the front row started to hiss.

  ‘What are the prizes?’ one cat shouted out.

  ‘The First Prize,’ Cleo began grandly, ‘is a luxury weekend break at an award-winning cat hotel. The winner will be fed three delicious meals each day and will sleep in a fully-heated basket on top of a goose-down duvet. There will be an inside toilet, regular grooming, and continual stroking and fussing by fully trained human staff.’

  ‘That sounds wonderful!’ Mia whispered to Cosmo, and the purrs of approval could be heard all around the hall.

  ‘Second Prize,’ Cleo continued, ‘is a meal for two at a top fish restaurant – my friend Meowface will organize that. And Third Prize is a box of fish fingers.’

  All the cats in the room were clearly well satisfied with the description of the prizes, and Cleo had to shout to be heard above all the excited mews as he added, ‘There is also a special prize for the winning kitten under twelve months old. The winner of that category will receive a brand-new toy mouse from the local pet store. But all kittens must have the permission of their parents in order to take part.’

  Now everyone in the room was happy – except Cosmo and Mia. ‘It’s not fair that we aren’t allowed to enter!’ Mia said grumpily.

  Just then they heard a familiar miaow, and turned to see
India standing behind them.

  ‘Mother!’ Cosmo mewed in alarm. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I’m beginning to wonder that myself. It was quite a feat squeezing through that tiny window in my present condition, even if your father did give me a push from behind.’

  ‘Father’s here too?’ Cosmo burst out, looking even more worried.

  ‘Cosmo and I only came to watch, not to take part,’ Mia put in quickly. ‘My mother isn’t here as well, is she?’

  India’s eyes looked twinkly, as if she was feeling very amused by something. ‘Actually, she is – but don’t worry. I’ve managed to get Mephisto and Felina to change their minds about letting you enter the competition.’

  ‘How?’ Cosmo and Mia burst out together.

  ‘First I had a little word with Cleo,’ India said. ‘You see, he’s made himself rather comfortable in our house, and when I hinted that we might not be able to let him stay for much longer unless he agreed to my suggestion, that seemed to do the trick.’

  ‘What suggestion?’ Cosmo asked.

  ‘To have more than one judge for this competition,’ India replied.

  Just then, Cleo started to speak again. ‘I have one last announcement,’ he began. ‘For this competition – and only this competition – I have appointed two other judges as well as myself. They are both cats of high standing in the local community – or so I’m told . . . Professor Felina . . . Witch-cat Mephisto . . . will you please come and introduce yourselves?’

  Cosmo and Mia could hardly believe their eyes as their respective parents jumped up on to the upturned box, one after the other, to wave a paw at the audience.

  ‘I thought Mother hated beauty contests!’ Mia gasped.

  ‘And I thought Father hated anything to do with Cleo Cattrap!’

  India was looking very pleased with herself. ‘I managed to persuade both of them that they could raise the standard of the competition by agreeing to be judges,’ she explained. ‘Actually, Mephisto didn’t need much persuading. And now he doesn’t mind you entering the competition after all, Cosmo.’

  ‘What about Mother?’ Mia asked quickly.

  ‘Your mother says you may enter the competition too, Mia – as long as you don’t show her up by getting overexcited and chasing your tail.’ (Mia chased her tail a lot, which her mother thought was not only silly, but also most unfitting behaviour for the daughter of such a clever professor-cat.)

  So Mia started to chase Cosmo’s tail instead of her own, as she raced round him in excitement.

  Now all they had to do was bring up a hairball each, but they soon discovered that producing hairballs was much easier miaowed than done.

  For the rest of that day, Cosmo and Mia found that no matter how much grass they chewed, and how much of their own (and each other’s) fur they licked, they couldn’t seem to bring up even the tiniest hairball. They both felt even more frustrated when they learned that Hagnus and Matty had easily brought up one each (which they were guarding closely) and that their mother, Tani, had also produced one.

  Cosmo finally decided to ask his own mother for help, and India spent the last hour before bedtime trying to teach her kitten how to bring things up on the living-room carpet. But although Cosmo did eventually manage to bring up all the Crunchie-munchies he had eaten for his supper, there was no sign of the hairball he so desperately needed.

  ‘It must be because I’ve always washed you so much until now,’ India said. ‘All your loose fur is probably inside my tummy rather than yours. I’ll tell you what – I’ll see if I can bring one up. It will be a mixture of my fur and yours, and even a bit of your father’s, but I’m sure it will do.’

  ‘Will there be any fleas in it, do you think?’ Cosmo asked anxiously, thinking of all the scratching he had seen his father doing lately.

  ‘Of course not,’ India said indignantly. ‘I am very particular about not swallowing anything that jumps. Now stand back and I’ll see what I can do.’ And she began to make a glug-glug-glugging noise, just like a coffee-machine, as her tummy started to heave in and out.

  The next morning at sunrise, Meowface was waiting in the school toilets, greeting each cat as it entered through the broken window. Most cats were carrying hairballs between their teeth. Meowface had managed to find a plastic bucket, into which he was asking everyone to deposit their entry fee before they went through to the assembly hall. Only a few cats had turned up without hairballs, and Meowface had instructed them to wait in the toilet block instead of proceeding through to the main hall with the others.

  Tani, Matty and Hagnus each dropped a hairball into the bucket and were allowed through. Then it was Cosmo and Mia’s turn. Cosmo now had a large hairball which his mother had produced for him last night, but Mia still hadn’t managed to get herself one. Her mother had tried to help her but had failed miserably – a fact Felina blamed on the new anti-hairball cat food Amy had been feeding them recently.

  ‘Meowface, can’t you just let this be Mia’s entry fee as well?’ Cosmo asked as he dropped his own particularly large hairball into the bucket.

  ‘I could – but I don’t think I’d better . . .’ Meowface said, keeping one eye on a particularly large and angry-looking ginger tom who had also arrived without a hairball and who was now scowling at Meowface from his perch on top of one of the sinks. ‘I’ll ask Cleo what to do later, but for now I can’t let any cat inside unless they have the entry fee. Sorry.’

  ‘I’ll wait with you then, Mia,’ Cosmo offered.

  ‘Oh no,’ Mia mewed back quickly. ‘I’d hate you to miss the competition too. Besides, if you win that toy mouse, we can both play with it!’

  So Cosmo reluctantly set off on his own after the others.

  The assembly hall soon filled up with cats, all of whom had spent the last twenty-four hours grooming themselves and practising how to walk up and down as elegantly as possible. In the end there were nearly a hundred cats inside the hall, as well as eleven (including Mia) who had turned up without hairballs. Each of the eleven cats promised that they would deliver their entry fee by the end of the competition and so, after conferring with the other judges, Cleo instructed Meowface to let them in too.

  Cosmo was thrilled that Mia now had the chance to be in the competition, and the two kittens purred excitedly as they stood side by side listening to Cleo telling everybody what was going to happen next.

  ‘This is how we are going to conduct the auditions today,’ Cleo announced in his most actorish voice. ‘The judges’ task is to choose the cats who will be the contestants in my catwalk show tomorrow. So what we want you to do is walk around the hall, imagining that you are on a catwalk. While you are doing this, we will come round and choose which cats we think might have the F factor. If you feel a paw tapping you on the shoulder, that means we have chosen you as a finalist. Now—’ he gave his most dramatic pause yet, actually stopping to chew one of his claws before finally miaowing out the words every cat in the room was waiting for – ‘Let the auditions begin!’

  Cosmo and Mia did their best to walk around the hall as elegantly as possible, but it was difficult because they kept bumping into other cats who were all trying to do the same. At the far end of the hall a cat fight soon started up between three female alley cats and a pedigree tom who had collided into each other in a most inelegant fashion at the same moment that Cleo Cattrap had happened to be looking in their direction.

  Cosmo noticed his father whispering something in Felina’s ear and then the two judges started to walk towards their two kittens. Suddenly Cosmo realized something. ‘It’s not very fair that our parents are the judges, is it?’ he whispered to Mia. ‘I mean, they’re bound to pick us instead of the other kittens.’

  But Mephisto and Felina had obviously thought about that too. ‘We are going to leave the kitten section of the competition for Cleo Cattrap to judge alone,’ Mephisto told them. ‘Cosmo, you are easily the most handsome kitten in the room, which is no wonder considering that your mo
ther and I are such fine-looking cats. However, it would not be fair if I picked you.’

  ‘Or if I picked you, Mia,’ Felina added.

  ‘Just make sure you look as sleek and well-groomed as possible at all times,’ Mephisto reminded Cosmo. ‘And don’t scratch yourself when Cleo is watching.’

  When they were out of earshot, Cosmo turned to Mia. ‘Being in a catwalk competition is much harder work than I thought it would be.’

  ‘I know,’ Mia agreed. ‘But we can’t give up now. Look, Cleo’s heading this way. Let’s try and look as elegant as he does.’

  And both kittens began to swing their bottoms in an exaggerated manner and take dainty steps as they walked, while lifting their chins as high up in the air as they would go.

  8

  That evening, Cosmo and his parents were celebrating. Cosmo had been picked as one of the ten kitten finalists, and so had Mia and Hagnus. Unfortunately Matty had ruined her chances by sitting down with her hind leg in the air to wash a bit of fur she thought she had missed that morning, which was probably the least elegant posture she could have adopted just as Cleo happened to be passing.

  Ten adult finalists had also been chosen including, much to Cleo’s horror, a female Persian with the most perfectly short nose he had ever seen.

  A huge row had started up when Mephisto had invited the white Persian, who he had met in the street, to enter the competition at the last minute. Cleo had tried to say that the auditions were now closed, but then the Persian cat had produced the largest hairball out of all that had been donated so far, and he had been persuaded to let her in. But he had had no intention of letting her be in the final.