“No. They’re not. Look at Moxxie and Linda. Look at us.”
“What about me? I killed him. What does that make me? He saved me, so I thought I could trust him… now he’s dead, because of me…” Matthew says.
“You did what you had to do. What he did to Jacob, that’s not on you. It’s not on you, Matthew. You finding us after all this time, you being back here with us now… that’s the only thing that matters.” Michael explains.
Michael's words give Matthew great comfort. The guilt slowly begins to go away. Matthew looks at his bloody hands, which are slightly cleaner, and thinks about Kurt. He questions whether or not he himself can be as trustworthy anymore after killing someone. He trusted Kurt, and his group. Now they are all dead. Matthew starts to think about what kind of person he really must be to keep himself, and the people he cares about safe. Matthew turns and looks at Michael.
“We’re brothers, you and I… you know that, right?”
Michael hears this and feels validated. He knows Matthew is hurting deep down, so hearing this shows Matthew is still the same guy he knew his whole life. Matthew stands up and walks back over to the store where the rest of the group is. Michael gets up and follows him.
Matthew approaches the group. He doesn't look happy but does look a little uncomfortable.
“The bullet… It didn't hit him in the head. He’s still gonna turn.” Matthew explains.
“We already took care of it.” Shelby explains.
Matthew is surprised to hear that, but he is also relieved. He didn't want to have to see Kurt's face again after witnessing him die helplessly. Matthew looks down at the ground. The rest of the group remains silent, waiting for what he has to say.
“I think we should stay here for a little while. We know it’s safe, and it’s pretty open out here. We’ll know if danger is coming our way.” Matthew says.
Michael walks over and stands next to Shelby. They are all ready to follow Matthews lead. They feel obligated to do so after he killed his best friend to protect the rest of the group.
“Common. Let’s go and secure all the entrances.” Michael says.
One by one, they all go back into the store. Matthew, Sydney, and Moxxie remain outside. Moxxie is still sitting against the wall to the building. She still looks sad and traumatized. Matthew looks at her and feels sorry for what had happened to her boyfriend.
“I’m sorry about Jacob.” Matthew says.
Moxxie looks up at him. She is still distressed, but she respects Matthew after seeing him take down the man who killed her boyfriend. She will always be thankful for what Matthew did. Moxxie stands up and gets ready to go inside.
“It’s not your fault…” Moxxie says.
She goes back into the building. Matthew looks at Sydney, who is just standing there. She looks sad, but also relieved to see Matthew quickly recovering from the events that took place earlier. The two look at each other.
“You okay?” Matthew asks.
“Yeah.” Sydney says.
Matthew smiles subtly, “I’m okay too.”
Sydney is happy to hear her cousin say that, but deep down she knows he is still suffering. Sydney wants to get his mind off of Kurt and make Matthew in a better mood.
“Hey, you still never got your license, right?” Sydney asks.
“Yeah. Why?”
“Why don't I teach you how to drive?” Sydney asks.
“Right now?
“Yeah, why not?” Sydney asks.
Matthew turns around and looks at the few cars abandoned in the parking lot. Matthew looks back at his cousin and smiles. They are about to go on a driving test. Matthew looks back at his cousin. He is excited to try and learn and hopefully get his mind off things. He knows it’s just a way to cope with the pain, but he is open to it anyways.
“Let me go and tell the others.” Matthew says.
Sydney smiles, and Matthew goes back inside the store.
Matthew walks into the store and hardly sees the group at first. They are all scattered around the isles. Matthew quickly sees Shelby near one of the closer isles to the front doors. Matthew walks up to Shelby, who is looking at something on the shelf. Matthew walks up behind her and pats her on the shoulder.
“Hey, me and Sydney are going out for a while.” Matthew says.
Surprised, Shelby turns around, “What? Where you guys going?”
“She’s gonna take me out and teach me to drive. I never actually got my license… so now’s a good time to learn, right?” Matthew asks.
Shelby seems a little worried, but she wants to stay supportive.
“Yeah, I guess. You’re okay though, right? Are you sure you should be behind a wheel right now?”
Matthew thinks for a moment, “Yeah… I’m okay. What could go wrong?”
“Alright, you should take this walkie talkie just in case… and just be careful, okay?” Shelby says.
Shelby hands over a walkie talkie that she had attached to her waist. Michael has the second one. Matthew smiles, happy his family is caring for him. Only a few days ago was he completely alone, but now he feels greater sense of purpose. Shelby feels bad for what had happened earlier with Kurt. She wants to comfort Matthew, so she walks up and gives him a hug. Matthew is caught off guard, but he hugs her back. Shelby steps back and walks away toward the storage room. Matthew is ready to leave with Sydney now, but before he does, he notices something sad. Matthew looks over into the isle where Jacob was killed. His body remains on the floor, but it is covered by a white sheet. Moxxie sits next to the corpse, crying of pain. Linda stands not too far away, and Michael watches from a distance. Matthew quickly remembers the pain Kurt had caused these people. He begins to feel less guilty for what he did to his friend.
Sydney sits in the driver seat of one of the cars. She is bent over, trying to hot wire the vehicle to start it up. She is struggling, but she knows what she is doing. Matthew comes walking back from the store. He had just told the others in the group that he and Sydney are going for a drive. Matthew is holding a walkie talkie in his hand and has Kurt’s fully automatic rifle slung on his back.
After a moment of struggle, Sydney finally hotwires the car. The engine starts up and runs smoothly. Matthew walks over to the driver seat window of the car and looks at his cousin.
“I haven't heard the sound of that in a long time.” Matthew chuckles.
“Get in.” Sydney says.
Matthew walks around to the other side of the car and gets in the passenger seat. Matthew looks excited. He doesn't remember the last time he had sat in a chair this comfortable. Matthew puts his seat belt on and looks over at his cousin.
“When did you learn how to hotwire a car?” Matthew asks.
“I had a friend...” Sydney laughs.
Sydney slowly backs up the car and begins to drive toward the exit of the parking lot. Matthew leans back in the chair and looks out the window. He looks at the building as they exit the parking lot. Once they get onto a road, Matthew looks into the passenger window and watches the building fade over the horizon as they drive away from it. Matthew looks back over to his cousin.
“Oh, by the way, Shelby gave me this. Just in case we need to radio in.” Matthew shows her the walkie talkie.
Sydney looks over at Matthew, “We won't be needing that.”
*****
Michael walks over to a clear patch of grass where there are no bushes or trees around and sets down the dead body in the duffle bag. Michael had put Jacob in the bag and is taking him out here to bury him. Michael sets the body down and picks up the shovel next to him. Michael wipes the sweat off his head and begins digging a grave. The heat from the sun beats down on Michael from above. He didn't know Jacob well. They only met today day, but he felt like burying him was the right thing to do. Michael considered burying Kurt as well, but he decided to leave him for when Matthew gets back. It should be his decision with what they end up doing with the body. Michael continues to dig.
A few minute
s later, Moxxie steps out from the building and slowly walks over to where Michael is. She notices that he is digging a grave for Jacob. She is surprised to see someone she just met doing something so kind for her. She is grateful for what Michael is doing.
“Thank you.” Moxxie says.
Startled, Michael turns around, “Oh, I didn't know you were here. But yeah, this… it’s the least I could do.” Michael explains.
Moxxie walks closer to Michael and stands next to him as he digs. Michael looks up at her as she watches him. Michael notices the dried tears on her cheeks. She is clearly still hurt after this loss. Michael feels like he should try and comfort her, but he doesn't know what to say.
“I can do it if you want?” Moxxie suggests.
“No, it’s okay. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to do this. It gets easier the more you do, you know?” Michael asks.
“What gets easier? The digging? Or losing someone you love” Moxxie asks.
Michael stops digging, “Well, losing someone you love never gets easy, but the digging sure as hell does. It’s all about the angle and building your upper body strength.” Michael says.
Moxxie chuckles, “You don't look that strong to me.”
Michael smiles, realizing she is just teasing him. She just insulted him to his face, but he is glad she seems a little happier now.
“Well, you’re wrong. You see, after all the video games I’ve played… my fingers have become swole. It’s all in the fingers.” Michael says.
Moxxie laughs. Michael smiles and continues digging. He tries to pick up the pace because deep down, he wants to look strong and impress Moxxie. Moxxie continues to watch Michael but thinks about what he said earlier.
“You said that this wasn't the first time. Who did you have to bury before?” Moxxie asks.
Michael stops digging again, “Uh… my parents.”
Michael doesn't say anything else. He is suddenly reminded of his parents, and the pain he went through right after their deaths. Moxxie realizes she just struck a nerve in Michael.
“Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks… sometimes I have to remind myself that they’re gone, you know? It all just happened so fast, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.” Michael says.
Moxxie looks down and doesn't respond. Michael starts digging again. Moxxie realizes that she wants to finish digging the grave for her dead boyfriend. She hesitates, but eventually steps close to Michael and grabs the shovel from his hands. Michael is caught off guard. He wasn't expecting her to get so close.
“Can I do it?” Moxxie asks.
“Are you sure?”
“I think so.” Moxxie says.
Michael hesitates, but inevitably passes the shovel to Moxxie. Michael stands back and watches Moxxie begin to dig the grave. Her form is a bit off, but Michael is just surprised to see her doing it herself. Michael realizes she is going through the same pain as he is. Moxxie turns her head and looks at Michael.
“You know, I saw the way you were looking at me when we first met.” Moxxie says.
Michael tenses up and doesn't know what to say. He feels awkward and uncomfortable when hearing her say this. Michael finally acknowledges he is interested in Moxxie but becomes worried when he realizes that she knows as well. Moxxie looks at Michaels awkward face and starts laughing. Michael is confused but starts laughing as well.
*****
Matthew looks around to see where they are. Sydney is taking them onto a secluded road. Matthew had only driven a few times in parking lots with his parents, so he is a little worried that he may not perform well. Sydney reaches a bend in the road and makes a left turn. The road she turns on is long and endless.
“This is a good place to start.” Sydney says.
She slowly pulls over and stops the car. She puts it into park and unbuckles her seat belt. Sydney gets out of the driver seat and walks over to the passenger seat. Matthew realizes it’s his turn to drive. He gets out of the passenger seat and walks over to the other side. Matthew and Sydney get into the car and close the door. Matthew buckles his seat belt.
Sydney brought him out here to try and get his mind off things. She believes people need to stay happy and stress free to stay productive, and she also cares about her cousin. She wants him to move on from this, and not have the same guilt and fear that her brother has. Sydney gets ready to instruct him.
“Okay, first you want to adjust your seat.” Sydney explains.
“Yeah, it’s good where it is.”
“Alright, now adjust the mirrors.” Sydney says.
Matthew adjusts the mirror on the sides of the car, as well as the rear-view mirror. He is unsure but doesn't bother making sure that the mirrors are perfectly positioned.
“Okay, I think they’re good” Matthew says.
“Now you’re gonna want to put it in drive. Make sure before you do that you always are pushing on the break.”
“Yeah, I know.” Matthew says.
Matthew puts the car into drive and slowly accelerates. Matthew becomes a little nervous, but slowly gets the hang of the speed of the car. Matthew drives down the road, specifically in the center of it. Sydney would usually tell him to stick in the right lane, but that seems a little pointless now in a world where there are no other vehicles to worry about. Matthew continues to drive down the road. He is beginning to feel comfortable. He never really thought about getting his license back when he turned sixteen. All his friends went for it, but he never really trusted himself to handle a vehicle and drive around other people. He always thought something would go wrong, and he would get in an accident. He now realizes this is the perfect time to learn. They have all the time in the world and have all this space. Matthew feels a lot more confident now.
“You’re doing pretty good. Just make sure to slow down when we approach an intersection.” Sydney says.
Matthew feels relaxed. Sydney looks over at Matthew, and notices that he genuinely looks fine. She is surprised to see him this way after what happened.
“Before you said you were okay… Are you?” Sydney asks.
“I don't know. It doesn't feel right. I thought that if I could get through those assholes back in town without having to hurt anyone, I would be able to get through anything. I knew eventually I would have to kill someone, but I never imagined it would be my best friend.” Matthew explains.
“When Mikey told us he killed that woman in the woods, I looked at him in a different way. But the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I'm not saying that we should just go around shooting people, but if you really have no choice, no one is going to punish you for it. I know it was hard, because he was your friend, but you shouldn't regret what you did. I don’t know if it makes it okay… I really don’t know. I think you should just try and move on from this.” Sydney says.
Matthew pauses and thinks about what his cousin just told him. To a certain extent, he agrees with her, but in some areas, he doesn't.
“I don't regret it. I would do it again if I had to.” Matthew says.
Sydney looks at Matthew. She is surprised to hear him say that. She doesn't know what his reasoning is. Matthew looks over at Sydney while driving.
“He was going to kill you, Sydney. After all this time, after everything we had to go through to be together, I can’t let you get hurt. If I have to kill to protect you, then I will. I don’t know if it’s right, but it’s how it has to be.” Matthew says.
Sydney looks away from Matthew. She doesn't know how to feel about what he just said. She knows that she would push herself to do the same thing if she had to, but deep down she believes it’s wrong. Sydney doesn't want to live in a world where killing is normal for people, but she doesn't really see any way around it. Matthew looks over to his cousin. He notices that she doesn't look happy anymore.
“What would you have done? Would you have saved me?” Matthew asks.
Sydney hesitates, “Yeah. But I don't know if I could get over killing someone. Espe
cially if they were my friend.”
“The only thing that matters is whether or not we are willing to do what we need to do to keep each other safe. If we can't keep each other safe, then we can’t keep ourselves safe. If we can't keep ourselves safe, we die. That’s what happened to Kurt’s group, it’s what happened to that woman in the woods, and it’s what happened to Jacob.” Matthew explains.
Sydney looks back at Matthew for a moment. She realizes that he is right. Whether she likes it or not, that is the nature of the world they live in now. If she wants to live, and if she wants her family to live, she will have to do things that she doesn't want to do. That's why Matthew made it this far. That's how he was the only one out of his group to survive and make it here. Kurt was sick, and his friends were weak. Matthew is strong, and he has the will to do what needs to be done.
“I love you… you know that right? I’d do it again if it meant that you’d still be alive. The way the world is now… the way we have to survive… any day can be our last, you know?” Matthew says.
Sydney smiles, “I love you too.” She looks at her cousin and thinks about the things he is telling her.
Matthew thinks about life from a more cautious perspective. After everything he has been through so far, he is starting to be paranoid for his safety, and the safety of those he cares about.
“It only takes one second… one second, and it can all be over… just like that. We have to be smart about what we’re doing now. I don’t know if bringing Kurt to your house was the smartest decision, and I don’t know if letting those people come with us was either.”
“It’s not your fault, Matthew. What he did, that was him… and if I died, it wouldn't be on you.” Sydney explains.
“It would… it doesn't matter how it happens. If any of you get hurt, it’s my fault.” Matthew says, “You need to understand something. It doesn't matter where we are, or how safe it seems. No matter what it looks like, or what anyone says… we are not safe.”
Sydney thinks about what he just told her. It’s something she never realized, and it makes her sad that her cousin is the one to realize it. She doesn't want this kind of life for her family, but she is willing to be strong to survive. Matthew focuses on the road. He never opened up to anyone like this before. He feels better about their situation now after talking about how he feels.
Mankind Page 12
