by Sara Barnard
I was thinking about cheering Tem up, and how I don’t really know her that well, and you don’t know Karam. And how you and I wanted to have a little adventure. So how about we go to Whipsnade this weekend? A double date?
My hand falls into an automatic, thrilled YES! I love Whipsnade. Whipsnade, the zoo on the edge of Dunstable, is my favourite place on earth. As kids, Tem and I used to go there all the time. I had my birthday there three years in a row.
Great. He looks pleased, settling against his chair as Mr Al-Hafi comes hurrying into the classroom, looking like he just rolled out of bed. Let me know what Tem says.
Tem is thrilled by the idea of our first ever double date and agrees for both her and Karam, even with the short notice.
‘He’s said the same thing about wanting to get to know you and Rhys better,’ she says. ‘It’ll be great! Brilliant! It’ll be like a mini road trip! With lions! What kind of snacks does Rhys like? I’ll stock up.’
Her enthusiasm doesn’t wane for the rest of the week, which is why I’m expecting to see Tem and Karam waiting for us both at the end of the driveway, armed with tortilla chips and Revels, when Rhys and I pull up outside her house on Saturday morning. But it’s just Tem waving to us through the window. I get out to greet her.
‘Good morning,’ she sings out.
‘Hi,’ I say. ‘Where’s Karam?’ I don’t quite mean to be so blunt, but it comes out anyway.
‘Oh, he couldn’t make it,’ she says casually, and if I were anyone else I’d have missed the way her eyes narrow slightly and then flick away from me. But I’m her best friend, so I notice.
‘How come?’ I ask, matching her casual tone.
‘He has to work today,’ she says. ‘He was trying to swap his shifts around, which is why I couldn’t tell you before today. I only found out late last night. Is that OK?’ She’s anxious, her fingers circling over each other. ‘If you just want it to be you two, I’ll understand. I don’t want to be the third wheel or anything.’
‘Of course it’s OK,’ I say immediately. ‘Let’s go.’
The best thing about sharing a language with Rhys is that we can have a secret conversation. No Karam, I say as I slide back into my seat. He’s stood us up.
Damn, Rhys says. Are we mad at him? Should I say something to Tem about it?
I shake my head. Act like it’s fine. As I sign, I say, ‘Karam had to work, so it’s just the three of us.’
Rhys gives Tem a thumbs-up in the rear-view mirror. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey,’ she returns. ‘Sorry about being the third wheel.’
‘No way,’ Rhys says easily, releasing the handbrake. ‘You’re the one we wanted anyway.’
I grin. ‘Definitely. It would have been weirder if he’d turned up without you.’
She laughs. ‘That’s true.’
As we head towards Whipsnade, I think about everything Rhys said about how I talk to other people and forget he’s there, so I make a real effort with him and Tem, diligently translating everything she says, even the stuff that has nothing to do with him. I can see that Tem, too, is trying her hardest with Rhys by how normal she is acting, as if going on a day trip with her quiet best friend and her deaf boyfriend is something she does all the time. She talks at her normal volume but slightly slower than usual, facing Rhys as she speaks. She does this even as I sign.
I suggest that I buy the tickets and, because they are who they are, they don’t make shocked faces, grab my arm and remind me that this will involve talking to a complete stranger. They don’t laugh and ask who I am and what I’ve done with the real Steffi.
And when I go to the desk and buy three tickets – I even ask for the concession price – the ceiling doesn’t collapse and the floor doesn’t cave in under me and the woman doesn’t laugh in my face. My voice wobbles slightly at first, but it doesn’t desert me. I think about how proud my therapist will be when I tell her. I almost turn cartwheels of happiness across the floor.
But I don’t, obviously, because I’m still me, albeit happier and chattier than usual.
This might not sound like a big deal, and I know that for most people it wouldn’t be, but for me it feels revelatory. When I am happy and relaxed, when I’m with people I absolutely trust – who love me whether I talk or not – I can talk. I can talk willingly and voluntarily. To strangers. I want to bottle this discovery and carry it with me everywhere. Lose the fear, find my voice. So simple. And, yet, so rare.
We spend the day wandering around the zoo together in the sunshine. Rhys diligently signs the names of all the animals for Tem, who scrunches her face in concentration every time and tries to mimic the movements, with varying degrees of success. When we get to the red pandas she shrieks with happiness, grabbing hold of my wrist and squeezing. They’re not giant pandas – our one true love – but they’re close enough. Rhys, a broad smile on his face, takes a dozen pictures of Tem and me, arms round each other, beaming like kids.
Tem insists on buying an overpriced Whispnade lollipop before we leave, even though I know for a fact she will get bored of it after ten minutes and throw it away within a week. ‘Don’t you ever get tired of being sensible all the time?’ she asks me, peeling off the plastic. ‘Live a little.’
‘I’m not sure solidified E-numbers count as living a little.’ The two of us are leaning against one of the picnic benches, waiting for Rhys.
‘Oh my God, listen to you.’ Tem rolls her eyes. ‘Solidified E-numbers.’
‘That’s what they are,’ I say. ‘And, hey, remember how I have anxiety? Sensible is a coping technique.’
She smiles, part of her mouth obscured by the lurid pink swirls of the lollipop. ‘Or a handy excuse.’
The door to the shop opens and Rhys appears, a small Whipsnade bag in his hand. ‘What did you get?’ Tem calls, then remembers herself. She tries again, lowering the lollipop and speaking more clearly. ‘Did you buy something?’
Rhys grins and nods, settling against the bench beside me. Look at this, he says to me, and pulls a postcard out of the bag. At first, I don’t get it. It’s a photo of two lions sitting beside one another in what looks like the lion version of a hug. It’s a cute photo and I look up at Rhys, trying to guess what’s he’s seen in it, why he looks so pleased.
Look, he signs again. He points at the lion with the giant mane. Gold, he signs. And . . . he points to the lioness, whose ears are tipped with a rich reddish glow. It’s probably the way the light catches them, but it looks an awful lot like . . . Bronze, Rhys says. He’s smiling. Bronze and Gold. It’s us!
‘Let me see,’ Tem says, coming to stand beside me and craning her neck to get a look. ‘That’s cute. It looks like they’re hugging.’
I don’t explain. I just smile and nod, then reach up to kiss Rhys, even though Tem is right there and I know she’ll tease me about the PDA later. You’re so soppy, I tease.
For a second he looks unsure. Is that OK?
I laugh. Of course! I reach for his hand and squeeze it, leading the way towards the car.
‘God, you guys are sickening,’ Tem says, following. ‘I’m getting diabetes just looking at you.’
At her request, Rhys drops Tem and me off together at my house so she can stay over. We’re the kinds of friends who don’t need advance notice for sleepovers – we even keep pyjamas at each other’s houses. By the time we are settled in my room she is quiet and contemplative, rubbing her fingers over Rita’s back.
‘So,’ I say. ‘Thoughts on Rhys?’
She smiles. ‘I’ve met him before. You already know my thoughts.’
‘Yeah, but now you’ve spent a whole day with him,’ I say. I prod her knee. ‘Go on.’
Tem pulls one of my pillows out from under the cover and plumps it underneath her bag, then rests against the headboard. ‘Well,’ she begins. ‘I think he is very, very . . .’
I wait. ‘Very what?’
She grins. ‘Very awesome. I like him a lot. Why wouldn’t I? He’s great.’
&
nbsp; I grin back. ‘Yay. Isn’t he, though? You see why I love him, right?’
‘Obviously,’ she says, rolling her eyes. ‘You got a good one. I was thinking today, though . . . when I was watching you together. You know how your parents think he’s making your world smaller?’
My heart gives a twinge of anxiety. ‘Yeah . . . ?’
‘I don’t see it.’
And a whoosh of relief. ‘You don’t?’
‘No. I think he makes you bigger. In a good way, I mean. You’re so open with him, you know? Your face comes alive – your whole body comes alive.’
‘Because I’m translating for him?’
‘Maybe, but I don’t know if it’s just because of that. You’ve changed a lot these last few months. Is it just because of him?’
Tem is looking at me, her face open and unsuspicious, waiting for me to speak. This is the perfect time to tell her about the medication, but for some reason I don’t. Something about the thought of her knowing that all the good changes are down to something as mundane as medication bothers me. I’d rather she thought it was all down to a boy. Hormones over SSRIs. Love over science.
‘Maybe I’m just finally growing up,’ I say, smiling.
To my surprise, her face falls slightly. ‘Just don’t grow away from me, OK?’
I reach out and put both my arms round her neck, squeezing her into a hug. ‘Never.’ Life without Tem is unthinkable. ‘Hey, so, do you feel better?’
She frowns. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Are you still . . .’ I try to remember her exact phrasing. ‘Full of woe?’
‘Oh, that.’ Her face clears. She shrugs a little. ‘Well, I don’t think I’m suited for a career in sports science. I still might not pass the year. But I was talking to Ava about it, and she was really encouraging.’ Ava is Tem’s running coach. ‘She said, at the end of the day, grades don’t matter on the track. And I’ve always known that, you know? I just kind of . . . forgot it a little this year.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know, really. Going to college, maybe. Being with Karam. Education is so important to him, and it makes me feel a bit . . .’ she hesitates. ‘A bit dumb.’
‘You’re not –’
‘I know, I know. It’s a different kind of smart – that’s it, right? Yours is animals, mine is athletics.’
I nod. ‘Sounds about right.’
‘So, we’re seeing how it goes,’ she says. ‘But thanks for today. It was great.’
‘Maybe Karam can come next time,’ I suggest.
She smiles and looks away, rubbing her fingers through the ruff of Rita’s neck. ‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘Next time.’
Sunday evening
rhysespieces: i have an idea
stefstef: what kind of idea? ☺
rhysespieces: an adventure idea
stefstef: ooh!
rhysespieces: Whipsnade was great but we can do something bigger!
stefstef: YES! what’s the idea?
rhysespieces: have you ever been to Edinburgh?
stefstef: NO!!!
rhysespieces: would you . . . want to?
stefstef: YES!! ☺ ☺
rhysespieces: i was thinking we could go and stay with my brother. he’s at uni there. we could visit him and he could show us round the university. then you could tell your parents that you’ve visited and know what to expect and stuff.
stefstef: AMAZING.
rhysespieces: fancy it?
stefstef: yes yes yes.
rhysespieces: awesome. i haven’t told you this before, but i know what you mean about your parents worrying about you being able to do things. mine are the same.
stefstef: really? why?
rhysespieces: . . .
stefstef: oh, the deaf thing
rhysespieces: yeah. the deaf thing. i’d like to be able to show them too. you and me, managing together, on our own. you know?
stefstef: I. KNOW.
rhysespieces: great. i’ll speak to Aled.
stefstef: oh hey . . . you could . . . not.
rhysespieces: ?
stefstef: how about we don’t tell anyone? that way they won’t all be worrying and trying to put us off. not just an adventure, but a SECRET adventure. i won’t even tell Tem! and then we’ll turn up on Aled’s doorstep like . . . HI! SURPRISE!
rhysespieces: hahaha. he would definitely be surprised.
stefstef: it’s a good idea, right?
rhysespieces: yes, if we could pull it off. we’d need money and alibis.
stefstef: it’s not a heist, Gold.
rhysespieces: still a mission, Bronze.
stefstef: Bronze and Gold Take On Scotland
rhysespieces: Bronze and Gold and the Mystery of the Exploding Haggis
stefstef: Bronze and Gold Play the Bagpipes
rhysespieces: ANYWAY. i meant it about the money and alibis. when would we go? a weekend?
stefstef: i’m sure there’s a way. be positive. it was your idea!
rhysespieces: i’ll have a think.
stefstef: we’ll find a way.
rhysespieces: we will?
stefstef: we will.
Tuesday lunchtime
How about the Easter holidays? Rhys asks. I could go away for a couple of nights if I say I’m staying with my old Ives friends. I’ve done that before.
Possibly, I say, considering. I’m at Mum’s, though. So if I go away it will be more obvious.
That’s true. He makes a face. Damn.
Wednesday evening
stefstef: any more ideas?
rhysespieces: no ☹
stefstef: ok, if we don’t think of something by the weekend maybe we can just ask Aled? is he good with stuff like this?
rhysespieces: yeah. but that’s a last resort. i really want to surprise him.
stefstef: MORE THINKING xxx
Friday
Mum calls just as I’m clipping the lead to Rita’s collar. My dog is panting happily, anticipating a long Friday evening walk. ‘Sorry,’ I whisper, kissing the side of her face before dropping the lead and answering the phone. ‘Hi, Mum.’
‘Hello, love,’ she says. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine.’ I sit back against the wall and Rita slumps to the floor with a huff of indignation. ‘How are you? How are Keir and Bell?’
‘That’s what I’m calling about, actually.’
‘What’s wrong?’ My heart is instantly pounding. I sit straight up away from the wall. If something happened to Bell . . . ‘What’s happened?’
‘Oh, nothing,’ Mum says quickly. ‘Nothing to worry about. Nothing immediate, anyway. I took Bell back to the dentist today to check her teeth after her fall at New Year.’
‘Right, OK,’ I say, still not ready to relax yet. ‘And?’
‘When we went last time, the dentist was concerned about one of Bell’s upper incisors and if it had been damaged by the impact. He said there was a possibility it would need to be removed, and now he’s confirmed that.’
‘OK,’ I say again. This doesn’t sound so bad. ‘So she’s having one of her teeth out?’
‘Yes, but as she’s so young it will need to be under general anaesthetic. I thought she might be excited, but the dentist scared her by making a stupid joke about drills. She’s already working herself up into a state about it. Thinks she’s going to wake up with no teeth.’ She laughs a little. ‘Anyway, the surgery is scheduled for March thirty-first. That’s the last Thursday of the Easter holidays.’
I still have no idea where she’s going with this. Rita lets out another loud huff. ‘Right.’
‘What I wanted to ask is if you’d mind reshaping our holiday plans slightly this year? As I said, Bell’s in a state already, so it might be a bit of a strain around here that day. What do you think about you going back to your dad’s slightly earlier? Say, Wednesday? And perhaps coming to stay with us a few days before the beginning of the holidays instead?’
I open my mouth to start complaining,
then stop myself. ‘Have you spoken to Dad about it?’
‘Oh no, I thought you could speak to him in person yourself. If it’s not convenient for him – or you – that’s fine. But I thought I should ask.’
A slow grin has spread over my face. ‘No, that sounds fine. Totally fine.’
We talk for a little longer and then hang up. Rita gets to her feet and gives herself a shake, her collar jingling, but I don’t stand up. I open my messages and send a single text to Rhys:
Steffi:
Bronze and Gold is a go.
BEST THINGS TO DO IN EDINBURGH (ACCORDING TO O GREAT AND MIGHTY GOOGLE)
CLIMB ARTHUR’S SEAT
VISIT EDINBURGH CASTLE
SHOP ON PRINCES STREET
GO ON A TOUR OF THE EDINBURGH VAULTS (NB: TOO SPOOKY FOR STEFFI?)
DRINK TEA AT THE ELEPHANT HOUSE
VISIT THE CAMERA OBSCURA
WALK AROUND GREYFRIARS KIRKYARD
STROLL DOWN THE ROYAL MILE
HAVE A SICKENINGLY ROMANTIC TIME WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND
The plan, which at first had seemed like nothing but a dream, begins to take shape and then solidify over the next few days. Needless to say, I don’t tell Dad about the slight change of living arrangements over Easter. Instead, on the Wednesday, I will leave Mum’s house and go straight to the train station, where Rhys will be waiting. Mum will think I’m at Dad’s; Dad will think I’m at Mum’s. We’ll go to Edinburgh, spend a couple of days together and then surprise Aled on Friday. When we have met up with Aled, I’ll call home to let them know where I am, that I’m fine, that I’ve done something I – and they – never thought I’d be able to do. They’ll be too proud and surprised to be angry with me.
I think.
Cost is an issue, so we decide to get a Megabus from London to Edinburgh instead of flying or taking the train. It’ll take most of the day – over nine hours, in fact – but it’s only about £20 so it’s worth it. I know a nine-hour bus trip doesn’t sound great, but I’m so excited my stomach keeps swooping. Nine hours on a bus with Rhys. Him and me together, squashed up close, with no distractions, no other people. We can talk and kiss and cuddle. I can fall asleep on his shoulder. It’ll be unbelievably romantic and perfect.
