by Cassy Roop
Pulling up to the building that had become familiar to me over the last few weeks, Drake and I stepped out to make our way inside. I just hoped that the boss was happy with the way things were taking course.
Light started to filter in behind my eyelids and my head throbbed like a jackhammer pounding into the pavement. Without opening my eyes, I could tell that they were swollen from the amount of crying I had done last night. Every tear was an emotion. Pain, love, fear, sorrow, ran down my face last night until my body refused to allow any more moisture to escape. I remembered getting out of the car with Drake and Asher last night and wearily walking to Rownan’s apartment before collapsing into his arms as soon as he opened the door.
I took a few moments to gage my surroundings. The bed upon which I lay was soft, luxuriously soft, like lying on a fluffy, comforting cloud. The cool, silky texture of the sheets soothed my body from all the tension that I had brought upon myself. The pillow that laid beneath my head felt fluffy and downy as it supported my head.
The scent of the room was masculine, woodsy with just a hint of musk, and I knew that it belonged to Rownan. Attempting to fight against the pain, I cautiously opened my swollen eyes, allowing them to focus in around the room. I tried making small movements, wiggling my toes, and circling my wrists. I reached my arms overhead to release into a full body stretch as I tried to awaken my body more. Lifting one hand up to try to rub the sleep from my eyes, I accidentally brushed against my jaw and cheek, sending pain signals straight to my brain.
Oh yeah. Asher backhanded me.
I thought to myself as I struggled momentarily to comprehend why my face hurt. Gingerly, I touched it, and instantly flinched, jerking my hand away.
“It’s a pretty nasty bruise,” Rownan’s deep voice jolted me from across the room. I leaned up to find him standing in the doorway in a gloriously worn pair of jeans and nothing else. The hard lines of his muscular chest and arms were on full display. I think I swallowed audibly, and was embarrassed when I realized that I did. Any girl would be stupid not to be affected by Rownan’s beauty, myself included.
“Care to tell me what happened last night, love?” he asked as he walked over towards the bed and sat down next to me. Holding an ice pack in his hand, he showed it to me before he placed it over my jaw. I flinched for a moment, before welcoming the soothing feeling that the ice brought to my face.
“It is still a little swollen, so this should help.” He said as his other hand stroked down my other cheek. This man confused me completely. The kindness and gentleness he showed towards me contradicted everything about him being a dominant.
“How is it that you are a dom? You have been nothing but kind to me, Ro. You just don’t seem like the dominant type,” I said honestly to him. He chuckled, and for the first time in what felt like forever, my mouth tipped up at the corners in a small smile of my own.
“I am not dom in all aspects of my life, Ashley. Not all doms have to have complete control over everything. I just like having control in the bedroom,” he said still chuckling at me.
“You said once before that The Knot was a release for you. What did you mean by that?” I asked sheepishly. I knew I was prying into his life, but I wanted to know more about him. The man had offered to help me get out of this trouble that I was in, in order to get back to the man that I loved; the least I could do was get to know him better.
He seemed to hesitate for a moment, and I could tell by the look on his face that I was not going to enjoy what he was about to tell me. He drew in a long breath before positioning himself to where he was facing me more. Lifting his hands, he flipped the ice pack over as he began to speak.
“I was married. We had been together since our last year at university. Colleen was gorgeous, tall, long legged, and blonde. I was in love with her instantly. She was American, studying abroad when we met. After we started dating, she decided she didn’t want to return to the states and instead, stayed in London with me. We got married a few months after graduation, and found out we were expecting a few months after that.”
He paused as a small smile broke on his face as he remembered his child. His smile soon faded and it was replaced by looks of despair and devastation, and I felt chill bumps begin to rise upon my skin. I sat up so that I could place my hands over where he was nervously wringing his together. I felt the small tremble in his hands and I held onto them, and my heart was already breaking for him before he even continued with his story. The anguish in his eyes had my heart clenching in my chest.
“We had a son. Luca. He was beautiful. Perfect. Everything I could have ever asked for. I had never had a more proud moment in my life than I did on the day he was born. Colleen was the best mother. She stayed home with Luca while I worked, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Not too long after his second birthday, Colleen and I began to fight a lot. She complained of being trapped in the house all day and that her identity was restricted to that of just being a mom. She didn’t want to work, but she didn’t want to leave Luca either. She fell into a sort of depression. We fought constantly, to the point that I dreaded coming home at times because I knew it would lead to a quarrel. It hurt me to feel that way because I loved her so fucking much.”
“That is understandable, Rownan. It had to have been difficult for both of you. Her dealing with her depression and you having to walk on eggshells around her.”
He nodded his head as his gaze went to the window. His eyes seemed distant, frozen in a past time, a memory that would haunt him always. I could tell by the furrow of his brows and the sheen of water that now coated his eyes that what I was about to hear next was not going to be pleasant.
“I came home from work one day and Luca was crying in his playpen. Colleen was locked in our bedroom and refused to come out. I had to break the door down to reach her. She said she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t be the perfect mother, wife, etc. I tried telling her that no one expected her to be all of those things and that she was doing a great job. Apparently, I said something wrong. She went off on me like I had never seen before. She looked possessed, tired and run down that day. She-she just wasn’t the same woman I had fallen in love with and it scared me.”
Tears stung the back of my eyes as Rownan nervously bounced his leg up and down. He took in a few breaths before he continued; shocking me with the news I wasn’t prepared for.
“She took off that night, taking Luca with her. She said she needed time to think. I decided to let her go because I knew it would lead to a bigger fight if I didn’t. When she didn’t come home later that night, I began to worry. I thought that maybe she was leaving me. I got angry because she didn’t even have the courage to stand up and fight for us. Turns out that she got into a car accident on the way to her friend’s house. It was out in a remote area, so no one found the car until hours after it had happened. By then it was too late.”
I gasped. Not prepared to hear about the loss of his wife, especially not hearing that his child didn’t survive the accident.
“Oh God, Rownan. I’m so sorry.” I said as I rubbed his forearms. Tears now raced down my cheeks due to his loss.
“That right there is why I don’t really tell everyone, Ashley,” he said as he pointed to my face. “I don’t want sympathy for something that I caused. I killed my wife and my son. I don’t deserve sympathy.”
Crack.
My heart nearly split in two from Rownan’s admission. He couldn’t possibly think he was responsible could he?
“Ro, look at me,” I said as I placed my palms on his face and rubbed my thumbs into the stubble on his chin. “Do not blame yourself for something you had no control over. You had no way of knowing that she would wreck the car. You were trying to give her the space that she asked for. No one blames you.”
“Her parents do. They said that I should have noticed the signs of her late developing postpartum depression and took her to the clinic to get help. Then maybe she wouldn’t have ran away from me that day. We would
still be in London together, and my son would still be alive.”
I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my chest into his, squeezing him against me. I knew it was tenuous and small, but I wanted to comfort him as much as I could. I couldn’t bring back his wife and child, but I could be supportive for him just like he had done for me.
“You remind me of her, you know,” Rownan said, his voice muffled into my hair.
“What?” I asked pulling back and looking at him.
“Your vivaciousness. Your drive to go after what you want. I know you feel like you always sacrifice yourself for others, and that is probably true, I mean, look at your ex and what you have done for Nic. But you are strong. You are sweet. It doesn’t hurt that you are hot as hell either,” he said as he shrugged his shoulders and a small smile crept upon his lips. I ducked my head and blushed, and pushed against his chest. He trapped my hand against his chest and I splayed my fingers across the warm, smooth space of his skin. I could feel the frantic beat of his heart as it pounded back against my hand. I risked a look into his eyes, and what I saw was not the look of a friend, but of a man with desire. The look that a man gives a woman when he wants her—the same look that Dominic always had for me.
“Ever since I met you that night in the club, Ashley, I- I have never felt more alive than I have in the past two years since losing Colleen and Luca. I have grown to know you more over these last few weeks and I feel like for the first time, my heart is starting to beat again.”
I felt like melting into the bed. I don’t think that anyone had ever said anything so sweet to me before. This man had gone out of his way to help me, befriend me and even spent my birthday with me when no one else would. I couldn’t say that I hadn’t developed feelings for him because that would be a lie, but I was also still madly in love with Dominic and wanted this whole ordeal over with.
Rownan leaned in, still trapping my hand close to his heart and pressed his soft, warm lips to my cheek, before sweeping them over to brush the smallest of kisses against my lips. It was sweet, heartfelt, and for a moment, I forgot everything. I forgot about Kelly, Knox, Dominic and everything that had happened with Jared and leaned into him more, adding pressure to the kiss. I opened my mouth to catch my breath and Rownan ever so gently slipped the tip of his tongue in to nudge against mine. I knew it was wrong to allow when my heart belonged to another man, but at the moment, it felt so right. Our lips and tongues danced together in a sweet, comforting rhythm that shamefully turned me on. Our breaths started to come in heavier pants as we lost our mouths in one another.
His hand left mine where it was still holding it and he reached up to run his hand along my jaw.
“Ouch,” I cried as pain shot through the side of my face and I instantly pulled away from him in reaction.
“Oh shit, your jaw. Bloody hell, Ashley, I am so sorry.” He rose up from the bed and started pacing the floor in front of me.
“It’s—its ok Ro, really,” I said as I blushed slightly from our nearly heated kiss.
“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have done that-kissed you I mean. I—fuck. I’m sorry. I just really, really wanted to.”
Pulling the covers off of my legs, I rose from the bed, walked over to him, and placed my hands on his back where he stood staring out of the window.
“It’s ok, really. I—I’m not complaining,” I smiled behind him.
“It was a bastard move of me to do when I know your heart belongs to someone else, love. Michaels will kill me if he finds out,” he chuckled sardonically.
Dominic.
Shit.
How could I have not thought about him? How could I kiss another man, when I was still irrevocably in love with him? I left Rownan’s side and walked back over to the bed and sat down, feeling dizzy again after getting up from the bed. Rownan followed me and sank to his knees in front of me, lifting a finger to tilt my chin up.
“That won’t happen again, love I promise. The only way it will, will be when your heart is free for me to take. Now, I want you to tell me what happened last night.”
Shit.
I thought shifting gears on him would make him forget about last night, but the bruise on my cheek was a constant advertisement for him to remember that something occurred.
“I—I snuck into The Celtic Knot.” I said as I turned my head away from him. I knew it was going to piss him off, but my intentions for not involving him were good. The last thing I needed was for Asher to start throwing threats around about him.
“What? Tell me you didn’t, Ashley. I told you that we would find a way to get that video.”
“I know, but I needed to get in there before the police go there tomorrow to use the warrant that the prosecution issued. And...that’s not all,” I replied.
“What do you mean?”
“I...I had to plant some evidence.”
“Bloody fucking hell, Ashley! Don’t tell me Asher made you do it. Fuck, he did, didn’t he? Is that how you ended up with that bruise on your face? Because if so, then I am going to fucking kill him.”
“Rownan, I have the video now. I just need to get it to the right people in order to stop him. I have to get Dominic, Kelly, and Knox out of this mess.”
“Doesn’t that mean that you will probably go to jail for lying?” he asked concerned.
“Probably, but maybe I can get out of it once I can prove that Asher and Drake blackmailed me into doing what I did.”
Suddenly a wave of nausea overcame me and I felt like I would fall over from the sudden lightheadedness. I braced my hands against the bed to keep myself upright and Rownan was next to me in an instant when he noticed I was in distress.
“You ok, love? You look white as a ghost.”
“I-I need the bathroom,” I whispered as I tried to hold back from getting sick all over his bedroom floor. I raced to the bathroom, barely making it there in time before losing it. I heaved until nothing came out, and then heaved some more. My stomach clenched and ached from the forcefulness of my vomiting. My abs feeling like they had had a full workout, burned beneath my skin.
Rownan came walking in and held a rag under the tap for a few seconds before he approached me, tucking my long hair over one shoulder and placed the cool towel on the back of my neck.
“Thank you,” I said in full appreciation for the relief that the towel brought to my now heated body.
“Ugh, how many times am I going to get sick like this? I have been fighting this vertigo and nausea for several days now. Fuck Asher and the stress he has brought me.”
I heard Rownan chuckle next to me and was a tiny bit angry for him laughing at me in this horrible state.
“Are you laughing at me?” I asked him with a hint of irritation in my voice.
“No,” he chuckled again. “I was just remembering how I did this same thing for Colleen when she was pregnant with Luca and she would get sick like you did.”
I froze. My heart beat nearly terminated in my chest as I worked to process the only word that raced over and over in my mind.
Pregnant.
There is no way I’m…
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to chuckle. I was just remembering is all.”
I didn’t respond to him. I was still crouched down at the toilet, and with a small backwards motion, I fell to my ass on the floor. If Rownan thought I was pale before, then I must look transparent now as I felt the flush of my skin leave my body.
“Love, are you ok? Are you going to be sick again?” Rownan said as he rubbed the space on my back between my shoulder blades. I shook my head no in such a forceful way, that I thought my brain would bounce around in my skull. I tried to look back and remember the last time that I started my period. It was well before Nic and Knox’s arrest and that was over a month ago.
It couldn’t be possible.
I was very diligent about taking my birth control pills. It was like getting up in the morning to use the bathroom. It came natural to me after so many years of taking them.
I lifted a trembling hand to wipe away the hair from my face that had become plastered to me from the coat of sweat that covered me.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Rownan asked as he took my hands in his and tried to calm me.
“I—uh,” said as I looked down at my flat stomach. Could there be a baby growing inside of me right now? Could there actually be a piece of Dominic developing in my womb?
Rownan’s eyes followed to where mine rested on my stomach.
“Just how effective is birth control supposed to be again?” I asked with a shaky voice. I knew the answer, I wasn’t stupid, and I just needed the reassurance that I wasn’t going crazy for thinking that it was a possibility.
“Well, ninety-nine percent but there is always that one percent chance. Or sometimes if you take antibiotics, it can have an effect on the pill as well.”
One percent chance.
Antibiotics.
Holy fuck. The sinus infection I had right after Dominic and Knox was arrested. Dominic showing up at my apartment two mornings later. Our passionate interaction in the bathroom of the club on my birthday. There were plenty of opportunities for the window to be wide open for me to get pregnant.
“Ashley, do you think you are pregnant?”
I paced the floor in my office as I waited for the investigators to show up for their search. I had nothing to hide, so I didn’t know why everyone was making a big deal out of it all. The paparazzi were camped out in front of the club like they were wherever I went. I guess the news footage about my arrest was prime time entertainment for a lot of people. What they didn’t understand was that it was entertainment for them, but torture for me.
I was nearly ready to pull my hair out of my head when Victoria entered the office.
“I think I fended off the hounds for now, but they won’t be satisfied for long,” she said as she plopped down on the couch in the office.
“Knox and Toby are both on their way,” she informed, but my attention was not on her, or in the room at all for that matter. I walked over to the small window in my office that let me see out and down into the Common Room. My eyes froze when they landed on the stage and the memories of Ashley and me there last night came flooding back. I closed my eyes and tried to get lost in the feeling of her body, the sensual feel of her bound and writhing against me, before the horrid thoughts of the way I treated her broke through the feeling of how wonderful it was to even touch her. No matter how many times my mind tried to tell me to forget her, my heart and my body missed her like a man waiting for his next breath.
