“Oh right, sure.” He looks a bit surprised. “What is it?”
I think of Lola and how happy she’ll be if I manage to pull this off. “There’s an abandoned lake around here, sort of over there.” As I aimlessly point, Hank’s face brightens in recognition. Of course he knows it, he’s obviously lived here long enough. “Well I want it renovated, if that’s okay with you?”
“Oh right.” He looks a bit confused for a moment but that soon passes. “Does this maybe have anything to do with your girl?”
“It does,” I admit. “I’ll give you all the details when I’ve worked it out.” My cell phone blasts out, grabbing my attention once more. I smile, assuming that it must be Lola again. I like it when it seems like she just can’t get enough of me. “Hold on, I better get this.”
As I move away from Hank and I stare at the screen of my phone, I realize that it isn’t Lola after all. It’s my dad which instantly has my heart leaping up into my throat. He hasn’t rung me once with good news since I’ve been here, it’s always been criticism and questions that are damn near impossible to answer. It sucks, and it makes me think about what Lola said to me when we first met. When she asked me if this is what I want to be doing with my life. It isn’t, I know that, but I don’t know what I want to do instead.
I suck in a couple of deep breaths, then hit the answer button. “Hello?”
“Brandon,” his tone is sharp, he doesn’t sound happy. “Give me an update.”
I squeeze my fists together, trying to keep some of my temper inside. I’m a freaking adult, I’m his son, and I’m high up in the company. Why does he have to talk to me like a child? It really winds me up.
“It’s going well. We’re ahead of schedule. I can email you some pictures if you like?”
“Hank has already done that, I want to know from your point of view. We are over the budget, aren’t we?”
Oh God, I almost forgot that part. “Yes, but there are reasons for that…”
“That’s what I want to know. That’s why I’m calling you.”
I let my eyes slide closed and I suck in a couple of deep breaths. “That might be something I should email you,” I say through gritted teeth as I try to keep my cool. “I don’t think I can go through it all on the phone with you now.”
Dad sighs loudly and angrily. “Fine, but I expect it this afternoon okay? And I need you to be more involved in the future. If investors want to know the numbers and what’s going on with everything you have to have all the information. If you don’t, you seem weak, you appear poor and unreliable. How do you think I’ve got so far in life?”
I don’t say anything to that, I just wait for his rant to come to an end. There’s nothing I can say that won’t make it worse. I’ve learnt this over time. I just grip my thigh hard so I have some physical pain to focus on rather than the emotional agony my father always gives me. Well anger and hate really, but it’s so damn negative.
“I get by because I always know everything, and if you want to be as successful as me, then you need to as well. I only tell you this because we care.”
“Right. Sure. I’ll get on that.” Urgh he’s winding me up. “I have to go now, bye.”
Once I hang up the phone I huff and shake my head. I wanted to go to the lake with Hank, I wanted to decide what I want to be doing, but instead I’m going to be pointlessly working out numbers for something that’s already been done. This feels like utter bullshit to me.
“You okay, boss?” Hank asks me.
“I need Archie,” I tell him grimly. “I need to set out a report for my dad.”
“Oh the boring paper work bit.” He rolls his eyes in an understanding way. “Let’s get this done.”
***
I collapse onto the grubby, uncomfortable bed in the motel room face down as a weariness overcomes me. I haven’t been staying here much, thankfully because I’ve had Lola to keep me company. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to last as long as I have done if I’d been forced to stay here. But now, instead of going to see her, I’m here.
What is going on with me? I think as I twist around in my bed to stare up at the slightly cracked ceiling. Why do I feel so churned up?
I know really. Speaking to dad always reminds me about what life’s going to be like when I return to the city. It makes me really understand that I need to keep my distance with Lola. I keep knowing that, but acting upon it is something else. Even now I know that it would be much better if I just kept away, but the tug in my chest is all too real. I’m torn.
I don’t move while I debate this inside my mind. Probably because I think if I don’t move then I will be able to keep away, but of course I can’t avoid the real world forever.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
“Oh God,” I murmur while turning over onto my left side. “What am I going to do?”
I decide to just tell her that I can’t hang out tonight. Maybe one night of distance will be the start towards our slow separation. The building work is getting ever closer to ending, it really won’t be as long as I’d like it to be in this town, so this will be good.
God when I first arrived here I didn’t think I’d see the day where I didn’t want to leave.
Just be strong, I tell myself. Just be strong and give an excuse.
“Hey, Lola,” I say warmly. “How are you? I’ve had a terrible day…”
“Oh well that’s why I’ve cooked you something.” I slide my eyes closed as I realize just how challenging this will be. “I thought you sounded a bit stressed earlier.”
“Oh that’s so kind of you, I am just a bit…” I don’t get my words out because she continues to talk over me as if she can’t sense my inner turmoil at all.
“I’m sorry, I know a big part of it must be my fault. It can’t be easy for you to look after me, see to my dad, and work your ass off as well. I just want to do something nice for you. To say thanks.”
How can I resist that? I know I can’t. Not without seeming like a real asshole. “Okay, sure. I’ll just get ready and I’ll be there.”
I push my weary body off the bed and I loosen my tie. I have gotten very used to spending time with Lola in a much more casual outfit than I’d usually wear. Everything with her is more comfortable and relaxed. It’s like a completely different life style that I didn’t even know I craved.
But of course I can’t crave it because it’ll never be mine. Yes, it might be a nice idea to think of doing something else with my life, it might be a good fantasy to consider taking control of my life and moving it into a new direction, but I can’t realistically. My dad has been good to me, even if he’s hard. He’s given me my position and opened up doors for me. He’s given me all the money I could want in life. I need him. Plus, without Mom all we have is each other, I can’t be a douche bag and let him down. I can’t leave him too. He might not say it a lot, and he doesn’t really act that way, but I do think he needs me.
As I throw a tee shirt over my head and I pull on a pair of jeans, I glance at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognise the person looking back at me, but I might as well not get used to it. This version of me won’t be around for much longer.
Just as I’m about to grab my car keys, my cell phone bleeps with an email coming through. I click onto it to see that it’s from my father.
‘Good job, Son. This is you taking control. I like to see you being a leader.’
A warm feeling fills my chest. See, he does respect me. He just pushes and pushes me hard to make sure I can get to where I need to be in life. I have to be grateful to him for that. I need to stop getting offended and to just embrace his words. He only has my best interests at heart. He wants me to succeed, I just need to want that for myself instead.
Maybe I don’t necessarily like what I do with my life, but then again who does? How many people are geuninly always excited to go to work every day? Barely anyone. Rather than worrying about what I like, maybe I should just work harder at getting better
at it instead. That would be a much more productive use of my time. Being positive is always better thank being negative.
I need to get my head back in the city, to my real life. I have to force myself to slowly let go of here.
Chapter 13 – Lola
I’m all excited as I wait for Brandon to arrive. I’m wearing a floaty, summer style dress which clings to my hips and skims my legs mid thigh. It reveals just a little bit of cleavage too which is awesome. With my hair in two plaits running down my front, I think I actually look pretty good. Much better than I have done the last few days in the hospital anyway. I couldn’t help it then, I was too stressed to look good. I just wore whatever and looked a mess, but Brandon stuck by me the whole time. He really didn’t have to, but he did. That’s why I’ve cooked him a nice meal and I’ve brought some nice wine. I can’t afford much but I can do this for him. I can try and make him smile.
I also want to find out whether or not he paid the hospital bill for me. It isn’t going to be easy to get out of him, but it has to be him. Who else could it be?
As his heavy knocks come against the door, my heart flutters with excitement. I get a delicious thrill racing up and down my spine. He’s here, and that makes me feel like jelly.
I definitely like him far too much, I think to myself as I take the steps to close the distance between me and the door. It’s dumb, but I might even love him.
I don’t think that I’ve ever been in love before. I thought I was when I was with Rory, but that was high school, small town stuff. Mostly it was just comfortable, not the sort of thing to last full term even if my mom hadn’t gotten sick. I didn’t know any better then, but now I do. Now I know what it feels like when someone seems to complete me.
I think my dad must be right, I think there might be something genuine between me and Brandon and I actually believe it might be something worth fighting for. If Mom and Dad managed to make it work in a world before cell phones and the Internet, then surely me and Brandon can do it. We don’t even live that far away from one another, it’s only about an hour and a half in the car. It isn’t life altering distance. If we want to, we could do it. I know that I’m committed, I just need to work out if Brandon is as well.
“Hey there,” I say in a flirty tone of voice as I push the door open. “How are you?”
Instantly I can sense that he isn’t himself, I don’t even need to say anything. He looks pale and distracted, almost as if he doesn’t want to be here at all. I suddenly think back to the phone call we shared not that long ago and I was so keen to get him over here that I didn’t notice the strain in his voice. Maybe there’s a reason that he doesn’t want to be here.
My emotions fall flat, I feel my heart sink into my shoes. I don’t want Brandon to be here unwillingly. I was so excited, I’ve spent all day as soon as I got Dad into bed looing forward to being with him. Now he’s here and it isn’t like I planned it to be at all.
I fold my arms over my chest awkwardly as I step aside to let him in. I got all dressed up nice for him and he hasn’t even looked at me. It’s completely humiliating.
“Erm, yeah, good day,” he replies gruffly without even asking me about my own day. “The project is getting much closer to being completed now.”
Oh… maybe that’s it. Maybe he doesn’t like the idea of leaving. As soon as I fill him in with my idea to potentially at least try a long distance thing a go he might cheer up. I just need to wait for the right moment for it. I need to wait until he’s loosened up a bit.
“I suppose you’ll want a drink then.” I grab two wine glasses and fill them up while my heart thunders against my rib cage. My brain spins rapidly as I try my hardest to find the right words to say. “It must be good to know that you’ve done a good job though, right?”
“You haven’t even seen it,” he snaps back sharply as he takes the glass from me. “How do you know that I’ve done a good job? It might be a mess.”
I gulp noisily and I take my seat. All the fun has been completely zapped out of the night which causes hot tears to ball up behind my eyes. I don’t want us to fall out, I don’t want our magical few months to be ruined over nothing. Just because it has to come to an end.
“I just presumed,” I reply quietly. “Sorry, I didn’t think. Is that… is it because of all the time spent at the hospital?”
His shoulders sag, I can see all the tension visibly run off his shoulders. “No it isn’t that at all. I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel that way, I wouldn’t change all the time I spent with you in the hospital for anything in the world. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that then.” He sighs loudly and leans his elbows onto his knees as he slides into the other chair. “Hank and the guys have done a great job, I’ve loved working with them.”
I want to ask him what the problem is, but for some reason the words don’t come out my mouth. I fear I might burst into sobbing tears that rack through my entire body if I part my lips at all. I remain silent and wait for him to continue.
“I’ve been speaking to my dad today and he’s… he’s hard work,” he says, sounding defeated. “It’s just put a lot of stress on my shoulders, that’s all. Maybe I shouldn’t have come tonight because I don’t want to be bad company.”
I don’t think he’s telling me the whole truth, I think that’s probably a part of his bad mood, but I also believe that he’s tugging himself away from me. Probably because he feels like he has to. Somehow, I need to tell him what I think about that, but it won’t be easy tonight while he’s in this mood.
“Maybe we should just eat,” I say while indicating towards my table. “Have some food, then if you still aren’t feeling happy you can go back to your motel and spend the night there.” I rest my hand over his but I can sense him stiffen as I do so which makes me snatch away. I don’t want to put anything on him while he’s being this way. I understand but that doesn’t make it fair on me. “Unless you don’t want to eat at all.”
His eyes meet mine and we share a bit of a look. I can’t really read what’s going on behind his gaze but I can sense that it isn’t good. I hope that he hasn’t already made up his mind and that he’s already said goodbye to us.
“Let’s eat. Come on.” He stands up and leads me to the table where we both sit opposite one another. It’s a position that we’ve been in a million times before, but now it feels really different. “This looks lovely, Lola, thanks for cooking it.”
We eat in silence. I keep darting my eyes over to him as we do but he doesn’t give me anything. He’s as closed off as a damn book with a lock on it, which is killing me. I need to find a way to make him open up and there’s only one question I can think of.
“Do you think you might know anything about the hospital bill?” I push. “I’ve been racking my brain all day and I cannot think how.”
“Why would I know anything?” He shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know anything at all.”
I nod slowly, completely shutting down myself. It was so obvious that he would have paid it, there isn’t anyone else around who would know or even care enough to pay. Plus, I don’t know another living person who has enough money to do so. All I want to do is thank him for his generosity and to work out a payment plan so I can get the money to him, but clearly, he doesn’t want to talk. About anything.
I need him to go. That thought hits me hard and like a thump in the face. All day long I’ve wanted him here, but the person I’ve wanted is my Brandon. The sweet guy who comes to watch me play, who helps me in the hospital, who comes to visit the lake with me. This cold version of him sucks. I don’t like it one bit. I need him to leave.
I decide to keep my lips shut. Maybe I don’t want to talk now either. I’m not the sort of girl who will take his bullshit lying down. If he wants to act like an asshole then let him. I don’t have to try and be all sweet to win him around. I’d like to be nice to him, to make him feel good, but not if I won’t get anything back.
I fix my eyes downwards and concentrate only on
eating. Once I’ve consumed all that I want to, I jump out of my seat to grab a sweater to throw on over the top. I’m not about to make myself freeze just for someone who doesn’t even care.
“I suppose you’ll want to get back then?” I ask him in an icy tone that matches his. “I don’t want to stress you out anymore than you already are.”
His face tightens. “Don’t be like that,” he shoots back. “It isn’t that way at all. Like I said, I’ve just had a stressful day.” When I don’t say anything, he continues. “Look, I know that I’m useless tonight. I’m just dealing with a lot of stuff. None of it is your fault.”
“I’m dealing with stuff too.” I point towards my father’s home. “But you don’t see me taking it out on you.”
“No, I don’t.” He offers me a one shouldered shrug. “But clearly you’re a much better person than me.” I roll my eyes and turn away from him. “Look,” his tone becomes calmer, as if he’s dealing with a hysterical person rather than just an upset one. “I don’t want to be a dick, but I suppose we both need to think about this coming to an end soon. It isn’t going to be easy, but soon we’ll both be back to our real lives and all of this will have to end.”
My mouth runs dry with nerves, although I’m pissed off I know that it’s now or never. I have to say something or I’ll regret it forever.
The Valentines Day Proposal Page 8
