Hate burns in my chest, it aches and agonizes. I hate him with every single bit of me. I hate him so much it makes me want to cry. I can feel myself shaking violently as I move. I need to get out of here, I need to get this treatment done for Dad and leave as quickly as I possibly can.
Once the flickering, half broken lights of the motel come into view, I pause for a moment to calm myself down. I suck in a couple of deep breaths and I try to slow my heart rate. I can’t let my father see me this way, all tied up in stressed knots. It’ll hurt him and he’s going through enough. I’m reminded once more that this trip isn’t about me. I don’t need to think about any of this. I just need to push Brandon to the back of my mind, where he’s been for the last few months.
I clutch the bag tighter between my fingers and I take the last few steps, closing the gap between me and the front door. Then I reach into my pocket to grab out the keys to the room…
“Oh shit,” I mutter to myself as I desperately grab around only to grab nothing. “Oh my God. Where are they? What the hell?”
I clap my hand to my forehead as I realize that somewhere along the way I must have dropped them. The thought of making the journey all the way back to the pharmacist where he was makes me feel sick. Of course he probably isn’t there anymore, he’s probably at the party getting a blow job from his beautiful, young assistant. Still, I don’t want to be anywhere he is. Or was. Or might be.
I knock on the door a few times, and press my ear up against the door to listen for movement inside. There’s nothing, my dad must still be asleep. Of course he is, and he’s a heavy sleeper too which leaves me pretty much screwed.
Before I start on the long, and quite frankly humiliating, journey back to the drug store, I decide to try the reception desk. They must have a spare key which I can use for now, then I can go and search for the keys later on or in the morning, when I’m more certain that he’ll be gone.
It’s dark and dingy when I get inside the reception area, and the girl behind the desk doesn’t even bother to look up when she spots me, but I don’t let that derail me.
“Erm, excuse me?” I ask quietly. Still she ignores me. “Excuse me, miss?”
With an angry sounding sigh she drags her eyes away from the magazine she’s reading and she stares at me. She blows a bubble with her gum and pops it loudly. It’s things like this that remind me that while I’ve earned some money to help my dad, I haven’t earned much. Not enough to afford us somewhere nice to stay.
“What can I do for you?” she snaps sarcastically.
“I have erm.” I have a feeling that saying I lost the key won’t work out well. “I’ve locked myself out of my room. My dad’s in there but he’s asleep.”
She rolls her eyes and pops her gum again. “Whatever, what room are you in?”
“Two five eight.”
She opens a box and takes out a key before giving it to me. “If both keys don’t come back, you’ll be charged for it. I’m making a note now.”
Right, so I am going to have to get the other key back somehow. I suppose if I actually want to retrieve it then I’ll have to go now. If I dropped it on the street while stomping in a temper, then I need to get it back before anyone else picks it up. Plus, I suppose anyone could get it, then me and dad would be in danger all night long. Well, all the tie we’re in the room.
It might make me feel exhausted, but I still have to do it.
I get back to the room and unlock the door. Dad is still there, asleep in the chair as if he hasn’t even noticed me gone. I smile to myself, glad that at least he’s okay now, and put the bag down in front of him. Then, just before I leave I take the seat opposite him. I watch him breathing in and out for a while, just wishing that I could take away his pain. If I had more money, if I’d made something of my life, then maybe I would be able to.
Right, I need to go, I think as I stand back up again. My legs protest wearily, but I force them to keep on moving. The last thing I can afford right now is a fee for a room key. All of this is crushing me as it is. Get the key, then come back and shut the world out.
All I want to do is lock away the world, that’s how I’ve been feeling ever since I got here, but things keep preventing me from doing so.
“Oh.” As soon as I get outside, the urge to run back in to slam the door closed intensifies. This is one thing in the world I want to avoid, but it’s here, right outside my door. “Brandon. What are you doing here?”
“I…” He holds out the key to me, making my heart sink and rise all at the same time. “I found your key at the drug store and I thought you might need it back.”
“Right, thank you.” That’s sweet, he came all the way here to give me the key. But I don’t want him to be sweet when actually he’s been cruel. “Erm, yeah thanks. That saves me from going out to find it.”
I should go inside now, I know that, but I don’t. Something’s keeping me fixed in one place, looking at him. Waiting for him to say something.
“Right, good. And…” He pauses thoughtfully for a moment. “I guess I just want to say I’m sorry for the crappy way things went. Before and now. I never should have left. Not in the way that I did.”
“No, you shouldn’t.” My tone is firm and cold. “But it doesn’t matter, does it? We were never supposed to be anything. Nothing but a fling.”
The thought that was once so exciting to me, the idea of an anonymous fling, now feels dirty and sick. I never really wanted it to be that way between me and him, I think I figured that much out from the beginning. I didn’t ever want to be just another notch on his bed post. But that’s what I am. That’s what I became anyway.
He steps closer to me with a softened expression and I straighten my back so he can’t see me softening inside. I don’t want to be weak, I don’t want him to get the better of me, but I can feel it happening all the same.
“I think we both know it wasn’t just a fling, don’t we? I think we both know it quickly became something more.” I don’t know what to say to that. I can hardly breathe under the pressure of him standing so close to me. “I know it got messed up at the end, but it wasn’t always that, was it? We had fun, didn’t we?”
I shake my head, trying to get rid of all the good thoughts. I have a horrible feeling that he’s just trying to win me around now so he can get me back into bed while we’re here. I’m probably some sort of challenge, or something. He’ll spend an hour or so with me, then get to his party and his PA like some horrible rich man cliché.
“I guess so, but that’s a long time ago now. Lots has happened since then.” I mean, not to me but he doesn’t need to know that. “So, it hardly matters, does it?”
“I think it does.” I want to stop the stream of words from coming out of his mouth, but I don’t know how. I stuff my hands into my pockets and barely listen to him talk instead. “I think it matters a lot. That’s why I did the lake.”
The lake… he’s talking about the lake.
“I… didn’t see it,” I lie. “I didn’t see the lake at all.” He gives me a look which suggests he can see right through me so I relent. I don’t like lying about the place that’s very important to me. “Okay, so I did see it once. Or twice, but it isn’t the easiest place in the world for me to go. All the memories of Mom and… you know.”
I glance downwards because I don’t want him to see me getting all choked up. I hate that I’m so emotional, I really don’t want him to see me this way.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t know how much I thought it through really, I just wanted to do something nice for you. I didn’t think of the possible after effects.”
“What, while you did something shitty?” I can’t help it, I need to remind him of what he did. “While you ran away?”
“Yeah, that wasn’t supposed to happen, not when I started.”
We stand in silence for a few moments. All the time I try to work out what I should say next. I don’t want him here, I have nothing that I want to say to him anymore, but at th
e same time I don’t know if I’m ready for him to go yet either. It’s a tug of war inside of me that I don’t know how to deal with.
Then I hear a stirring inside the bedroom, which draws my attention back to my father. He’s waking up now, and he’ll probably need my help.
“Right, well I suppose I better go,” I say regretfully while taking a step backwards. “My dad needs me so I need to get back to him. I guess,” I give him a shrug. “I guess it’s been good seeing you.”
“Yes it has. Do you want to…” I can tell he’s about to ask me to see him again which causes me to panic again. I don’t know if I can heck be going through all of this again, especially when it isn’t going anywhere.
But he doesn’t manage to finish his sentence, which is a blessing, but it’s one in disguise because he’s stopped by my dad swinging the motel room door open to find out what me and Brandon are up to.
“Oh…” Dad cocks his head curiously. “Lola, I thought I heard you out here. Is everything okay?”
Is everything okay? What a loaded question. It leaves me speechless, and also a little breathless. I don’t know what to say.
Chapter 20 – Brandon
Lola looks like her father catching us out here has her speechless. She doesn’t know what to say which is only another thing for me to feel guilty about. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, I just keep making a horrible mess of things. I’m supposed to be making things right with Lola, not causing her ever more issues. Somehow, I need to be the one to make this okay, or this tension will go on forever more.
“Mr. Boots,” I say while I take a step forward. I extend my hand for him to shake it. I tremble a little with nerves as I move nearer to him, but only because I’m scared that he’ll hate me. “I don’t know if you remember me, but we have met before. Last year, when you were in the hospital. I was in town as part of a property development project.”
“Oh yes, I remember.”
He grabs my hand and smiles at me. As I stare into his face I realize just how much sicker he looks than when I saw him last. He looks like he’s really struggling which is awful. I feel terrible. Lola has been through so much and I’ve made her feel worse by dumping all my stuff on her. Not only did I leave her in the middle of this last year, but now I’ve shown back up, even if it was an accident, and I’ve confused her all over again.
“Did you want to come in?” Lola’s dad asks as he steps to one side. “It would be nice to catch up. It’s been a very long time since we saw one another, and of course I wasn’t my best then. All hooked up to machines and high on medication. It’d be nice to have a chat.”
I don’t know if it’s wise to go inside, but when he waits for me and indicates towards the chairs near the window, I feel like I should do so. There isn’t any reasonable excuse I can give that doesn’t make me look like I’m a horrible person. I don’t look at Lola as I obviously betray every single one of her wishes by going in, but I can feel her gaze upon me the whole time. She wants me gone, for which I don’t blame her. But I don’t want to go, not yet. I want to stay to speak with her at some point, to continue saying sorry. Sure I have a party to go to, a night of fun and a girl with a lot of willing to do whatever the hell I want, but I don’t want any of those things. I want to be here, I want to try and make things right. Sandi, Franko, and the others all pale into insignificance. They don’t matter as much as Lola and they never have.
Lola follows behind me as I make my way into the bedroom, I can hear her footsteps. I’m also pretty sure that I can feel her fury burning into the back of my brain, but I don’t look. I don’t want to meet her eyes until she’s calmed down a little. I’m too much of a coward.
“Do you want a drink?” she asks her dad, and I presume me at the same time. Or I hope so because I’m desperate for something to sooth my throat. “We have coffee, it isn’t good stuff, but it’ll do. And I’ll get you a water too, Dad. You need to take your pills.”
We both nod and she moves over to the tiny kettle in the corner of the room. Her eyes fix on the kettle as it boils, almost as if she doesn’t want to see us for a few moments. She needs a break from this shock, intoxicating situation. Not like me, I’m all in. I’ve dived into this head first. Now that I’m embracing this second chance, I’m all for it. Even if all she wants to do is yell at me for now, I’ll take it. Any communication with Lola is better than nothing… I just wish I realized that before. We could’ve saved so much time.
“She worries too much,” her dad tells me with an eye roll. But he grabs his bag of pills and takes out what he needs, proving that her care is needed. “She spends so much time panicking about me that she doesn’t ever worry about herself. The roles are totally reversed with us two. It’s like she’s the parent and I’m the child… it’s always been that way since I got sick. Maybe even since she lost her mother.”
“Oh yeah?” I drag my eyes away from Lola. “She’s a caring person, isn’t she? I learnt that when I spent time with her before.” I don’t know what Lola said about us, so I don’t want to overstep anything. I just need to keep vague for now until I work it out. “You know, when we were friends.”
“Friends, huh?” He narrows his eyes at me as if he’s trying to work out why I’m lying. I flicker my eyes down under the intensity of his gaze. “I thought you were more than that.”
“Is that what she said?” I need to know before I say anything at all. “Lola, I mean?”
“Oh no, she hasn’t ever really said anything. But I could just tell.” He leans in to speak only to me. “You know, when you were around, Lola was much happier, she was like a different person all full of life and excitable… it was lovely to see. But then you left and she was sad, like really sad. She threw herself into her work and that’s how she’s been ever since. She says it’s to afford my treatment, but I don’t think it’s just that. I think she’s just been trying to forget. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, but if I don’t say it now I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”
I sit back further in my seat as I try to process his words. It seems that we’ve both been miserable since things fell apart. I don’t want Lola to be unhappy, but it means something to me that she’s been affected by us too. It means that maybe there’s still a chance for us, maybe, somewhere deep down. The thought that she’s pregnant and married is long gone at any rate which is good. I didn’t like that image at all, it hurt me deeply. So deep that all I wanted to do was forget. Well, I don’t want to forget anymore.
“Oh right, well it was a shame,” I say coyly. “I didn’t want things to end in the way that they did either. I wish I could go back and change things…”
Unfortunately, we have to stop then because Lola comes back over to us with the drinks clutched between her fingers. Judging by her glowering expression she heard some of the chat, which is just another thing to feel guilty about. It seems that the things I’ve done wrong to her just keep piling up and up. How can I make it up to her when I keep doing more wrong?
“Thanks for the drink,” I say quietly, hoping to break the ice, but she doesn’t immediately answer me, causing her dad to jump in.
“Yes, sweetie, that’s very kind of you.”
We all take a sip of our drinks, the silence clings thickly to the air. My brain spins at a million miles an hour, I try to work out what I need to say to make all of this okay, but it isn’t easy. With Lola, everything I say is wrong and makes her madder, and I don’t want to upset her dad either. I just wish I had a time machine and I could make it all okay again that way.
“So, you two knew each other last year?” Okay, so it’s not up to me. That’s good… I think. Her dad’s eyes flick between us both as he speaks. “That’s wild. Did you decide to meet again this year?”
“No,” Lola interjects quickly. “No we didn’t. We just bumped into one another.”
“Oh, like fate.” He claps his hand together and grins, far too brightly for someone who knows the truth. Obviously, Lola didn’t say that
I left without saying goodbye. She kept that part inside, probably because she’s embarrassed. I hate that it’s me who’s made her feel that way. I’m an asshole. “That’s nice.”
“Erm, yeah, or a joint need to go to the drug store,” I reply with a mirthless laugh. “I don’t know if that counts as fate.”
“Does it matter where fate gets in the way? It does what it does.”
“Okay, Dad, I think it might be time for you to get into bed,” Lola says warningly. “I don’t want you to get tired. You’ve just taken your pills so you know they’ll knock you out in a moment.”
“Oh no, I’m not ready to stop talking to Brandon yet. You don’t mind if I fall asleep now, do you?”
“Erm. No I don’t mind. I’m enjoying talking to you.” But Lola’s gaze scares the shit out of me, so I quickly retract my words to stick up for her instead. “But if Lola thinks it’s best then maybe we should…”
“I know what’s best for me.” I’m not getting through to him however hard I try. “And for now I’m just fine thank you very much. Brandon, please tell me more about this property business you’re in.”
“Oh well, the projects I run are the small town ones. The ones that change areas into something more progressive.”
“And you love it? It’s your passion?” I don’t answer him, which seemingly gives him everything he needs to know. “Are the towns you help out happy to be more progressive?”
“I don’t know. “I shrug a bit helplessly. “I used to think that they would be afterwards, if not before, but now I don’t know. Are you happy with the changes?”
The Valentines Day Proposal Page 12
