by Jones, Ayla
Hand on my girlfriend’s thigh as she drove me to my office, sitting at an angle so I could stare at her. Her skin was flushed and her brow was scrunched. Nikki was deep in a rambling story about rivalry at her job. One of those stories women told that could’ve been wrapped up fifteen minutes ago, but she had to tell it circuitously, with every detail and each side conversation. I listened, though, because it was her, and I was so fucking drunk on Nikki: the way she looked when she was asleep or just humming to herself in the kitchen or on her knees in front of me. And her skin. Her smile. Her pussy. Her laugh. My name on her lips. Fuck it; it was everything. I wasn’t religious at all, but I could’ve worship her. I was worshiping her.
She was like this, too. If she hadn’t been driving, her hand would’ve been linked with mine, like always. We’d been official for a few weeks and maybe we wouldn’t be this way forever but, right now, I think we’d crawl up inside each other if we could.
When she pulled my car up to the curb, I popped a few pills while she was distracted, the last of my supply. The truth was, I wasn’t really working toward giving them up. At least not yet, anyway. I just had to keep Nikki oblivious until I was ready to be done for good. She had found out about the baggie and not the third of a bottle I’d had left back then. I was out of those now because I had upped my dosage to maintain the buzz I liked. I wasn’t sure when the change happened exactly, only that four pills a day were doing what two had a few weeks ago. Of course, I was self-aware enough to know that my tolerance was higher now. I was hoping to stabilize for a while, and then stop using completely before it went up again.
Nikki leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. “I know you have a lot going on at SoBe this weekend. Keep the car today and tomorrow. Drop it off on Sunday. Whatever,” I offered. “I’ll make Samira drive me around and borrow from one of the roommates.”
“But what if I want to come over later?” She trailed kisses along my jawline. “And then on your tongue?” My cock twitched and heat swarmed my legs. My girlfriend was so fucking filthy, and she was perfect.
“Like you even have to fucking ask. You’re gonna come until you don’t even want me to fuck you.”
“Mmm.” She smiled and bit her lip. “God, you’re hot.”
“Hot enough for a quickie…?” I slid my hand up her thigh, moving it until it was under the hem of her dress.
“Goodbye, Charlie.” Laughing, she reached over and opened the passenger-side door, squealing when I grabbed her tit. “Get out. Go!”
“Oh, I see. Get me all worked up then kick me out of my own goddamn car,” I said, leaning in the window. “Kiss me goodbye.”
Nikki groaned with an amused look, unbuckled her seatbelt, and leaned over the passenger seat to peck me on the lips. I held her head and kissed her harder. Nikki moaned softly and her nails dug into my biceps. It was an obvious delay tactic on my part. I’d been doing it one way or another every time we had to be apart. Sue me. I liked my girlfriend. And Nikki was the calm to a lot of my chaos right now. We’d had a fun morning: marathoning The Walking Dead and looking up frightening, rare disorders on the Internet.
“Text me nasty pictures when you’re free?” I asked.
“Like you even have to ask.” She puckered her lips and moved back to the driver’s seat. “Bye, babe.”
“Drive safe.”
“Um…” Nikki put the car in gear and giggled, rolling her eyes. “Can’t drive anywhere while you’re in the window, Charlie. Aren’t you supposed to be smart?”
“Fine. Geez.” I stood and watched the car disappear down the street before I went into the building. We were holding an audition for Confessions today, and a large group of twenty-something women was assembled inside our office. We were trying to find our Tara. Hillington was letting us narrow it down to our top three, but they would get the final say. One of the things we’d lost control over was casting, but Samira and I refused to specify a race or ethnicity for the lead in the treatment, so it was cool to see diversity in who had come. Hillington was probably still going to pick the one who was most “marketable,” though.
Samira was giving each woman a number. The assistant, Josh, shadowed her, collecting resumes and headshots. Lux was also following her mom, but getting into everything at the same time. She dove for my feet when she spotted me, and hopped around until I picked her up. “Hey, Boog. How’s my favorite girl?”
“Really, Sweets? Forgotten that easily, huh? It’s okay…I’m just the person who feeds you and wipes your butt. Whatever,” Samira joked as she approached me. “I set us up over there. I was thinking we’d have them read in groups of five…” Samira kept talking, but it was Fallon Gregory who stole my attention. She was the only person in the entire room who looked young enough to play an actual high school student. She tapped her bag twice and my heart raced. “Okay?” Samira concluded whatever she was explaining to me, kissed Lux on the nose, and walked away.
Lux got antsy almost immediately so I put her down and she wandered off, but I kept an eye on her. She toddled over to where Fallon had been standing. Fallon waited until Samira was on the other side of the room before she walked over to me. “She doesn’t seem to like that I’m here. I couldn’t really give her a good reason.”
I wasn’t intentionally trying to be reckless, but this was the only time she could meet. “Well, the reason you’re here isn’t good…”
Fallon laughed. “No, I’m getting paid. The reason is awesome.”
“Don’t remind me about the payment part.” I glanced over at Lux. She was squatting and about to put something in her mouth.
Fuck me.
“Hey, Boog, come here…come here, baby…” I called out, but I was already walking toward her. She ran to me happily, and I opened her hand. There were three pills inside. Pills. My heart was thundering as I plucked them out. “What the fuck, Fallon. These are yours!” I whispered angrily.
“Oh. Oh God…” she said.
“Fuuuuuck.”
“They must’ve fallen out when I was…okay, look, I didn’t know there would be an effin’ baby running around,” she said, getting defensive. She pulled tissue and hand sanitizer from her purse. Thank fuck the office was so busy, and I was able to clean Lux’s hands unnoticed.
“Are only three missing?” I tried not to panic. Oh my God. Samira would never fucking forgive me if…no. I couldn’t even fucking think it. “How many are fucking missing?” I whispered over Lux’s head.
Fallon rummaged through her bag, mumbling, before she looked up at me. “Uh…five. Oh shit.”
Oh my God. Fallon and I marched over to where Lux had found the pills, but there weren’t any more on the floor. She’d put them in her mouth before I saw her? Oh fuck. I steadied myself on the wall. “What the hell are those, Fall?”
“Oxy,” she whispered. “It’s Oxy.”
“Oxycontin?” She nodded once. Oh God. What the fuck had I done?
“Yeah…it’s…it’s a new addition to my stash…” Fallon was shaking, and she rubbed her forehead. “This is bad.”
I stared at Lux and wondered how long we had before it took effect. Two pills. She’d taken two. Was that enough to do serious damage? To her tiny body…yes. What were you even supposed to do in the case of a drug poisoning? I remembered something about milk. Was that what you were supposed to do? I gently squeezed Lux’s mouth open, searching for residue. She looked fine now but maybe not in a few seconds. My breaths got short and I couldn’t hear much over my heartbeat anymore. My vision was blurring. Lux whined and tried to push my hand away. “Hold on, baby doll.”
“Do you see anything?”
Fuck, I could barely see. “Give me your phone. No…shit…call 911.” Fuck. And now I had to tell Samira…Fuck!
“Wait!” Fallon gripped my shoulder just as I took a step. “I didn’t count right. Only three. Only three. It’s fine, Charlie.” She was pale but looking immediately relieved, and taking deep breaths in.
“Are you sure?” Lux was fidge
ting and clearly annoyed by my poking and prodding. “Are you absolutely sure?”
“Yes. I swear. I miscalculated the first time because I was fucking scared I’d hurt her. They’re all here. I’ve counted twice now. Look, I’m sorry. I have a lot of crap in my bag. Those three must’ve fallen out when I was taking things out trying to find my phone earlier. Probably didn’t close the bottle tops all the way today. I was in a rush. I’m really sorry.”
“No, this is on me. Go to your mom, Boog. Go to Mommy.” I set Lux down and pointed out where Samira was. Samira gestured for her when she saw her coming, but she turned suspicious eyes to Fallon.
“Do you want me to go?” Fallon asked.
“No…no.” I sighed. “Close call but nothing happened, right?”
“Right,” she breathed out.
“So, how much?” I asked, my voice still shaky as we moved to a corner of the room.
“Twenty-five.”
“Shit. Really? After almost poisoning my goddaughter?”
“That’s a discount, Charlie. I’m charging college students up to forty right now, and thirty-five at school.”
“Okay, we’re striking a new deal. What’s your senior project?”
“Trying to build a mobile app; they’re letting us do group projects this year.”
“What kind of app?”
“It’s supposed to be a location-based study group app. Users plug in their classes and rate themselves on how well they’re doing in each one. Then see who else has taken the class or is taking the class at any nearby schools, and try to form groups, find tutors, or people who need tutoring. It’s subpar right now. Crashing a lot.”
“Okay. I’ll work on coding with you, but I need enough shit to get me through the next few days,” I said. I’d find amphetamines in Silicon Valley easily while Nikki and I were out there. “I’ll do it for ten a pill. And it has to stay at ten whenever I want to buy.”
“Okay. Deal. I can only sell you like six right now, though.” Fallon plowed through her purse, and I shifted my eyes between her and Samira before I pushed the money into her hand. Lux waved at me and blew a sloppy kiss my way. Was there anything purer than children’s feelings? They liked you or they didn’t, and it was that simple. Lux may not have understood it, but she knew what love was. And she did love me. So did Samira. I didn’t want the people who cared about me to know about this. If I had to be so sneaky about a part of my life, maybe I shouldn’t have been doing it, period. For the first time since Nikki nearly caught me at my apartment, I felt like shit.
But.
Fallon gave me the pills. No baggie this time. The rush of anticipation kicked up my heart rate. “I can get you a few more, maybe, but I want something else, too…”
“Okay…”
“I have way too much weed and Oxy. You know anyone—”
“Fuck no…”
“Come on. Sell it to your friends. Keep ten percent.”
“I’m not a dealer.”
“I’m not asking you to move pounds of it. Just sell it to your friends. Agree now and I’ll call this kid who wants to fuck me, Elliott. He doesn’t really sell his ADHD meds, but he’s on this time-release stuff.” When she looked away to secure the payment, I put two pills in my mouth but pretended to shove all of them into my pocket when her eyes were on me again. “The kid takes four-hour exams in two and a half because he’s that focused. Once I get more, it’s ten forever, okay? We have a deal?”
Yes. No. “Yes.” I didn’t take it back. “I’ll sell your shit. But just the weed and just this once, Fall.”
“Maybe just bring up the Oxy, too?”
“No. And after this don’t ask me to do it again…” I couldn’t believe I was agreeing.
“Fine. Geez, golden boy. It’s a one-time thing. Sell all of what I give you and then never again.”
“Swear.”
“I swear,” she said in a whiny tone. “Still mad at me?”
“Nope.” All my anger was directed at myself.
“Good! So tell me about the cool Confessions storyline you wanted to run by me.”
“Fine. Tara meets this street dealer and they don’t get along at first, because she’s selling in his territory, but he buys the last of her stash, after her competition gets busted and she’s scared. They connect. It’s going to be a love triangle. He respects her hustle.”
“But Cody’s her soul mate, right? Part of me wants to believe that our hearts are drawn to the people who make us want to be better. Even if we don’t know it right away. Or I’m sort of hopeless that way.”
“Yeah. When Cody finds out about her dealing, he gets that she’s a good person doing a bad thing. He exposes her client list and puts her out of business for good. Can’t trust a dealer without discretion. But that’s how he saves her. Creates a whole lot of problems in season two, but that’s how he saves her.” I squeezed her shoulder. “You want to stay and consult on Tara?”
“Yeah. Can I? Because I already know who has to play her.” An eager smile rose from her methodical look. “If the tall, dark-haired girl with the amazing boobs over there is good, pick her, please.” She cocked her head at the woman towering over the others. “She’s what I would look like now, if God really listened and was as forgiving as everyone claims.”
I laughed. “Got it.” I went to sit next to Samira, and I explained Fallon’s purpose before she could inject her snarl into any conversation. She slid a script in front of me, clasping Lux’s hand before she could reach for it. I swallowed down hard, reflecting for a moment on how close Lux had come to eating those pills. Today could’ve been a totally different day. I took one of her hands and kissed it. I’m so sorry, Boog.
All the women were sent out except for the randomly selected ones who were reading first. “What do you think of that one?” I aimed my pen at the woman Fallon liked. “Let her read first.”
Samira shrugged. “Sure. Number thirty-two…Cara Jessup, step forward.”
My phone beeped with a text from Nikki: In between a costume change. A picture. Headless and topless.
A hard slap connected with the back of my head. “Charlie, stop sexting and pay attention. Also, tell Nikki she better enjoy those boobs while she’s baby-free.” Samira giggled.
“We will,” I joked before turning my attention to the front. Cara was gorgeous. She’d even dressed the part in a plaid uniform. It was sort of ill fitting, but she stood out, and I wondered if it was purposeful, given that everyone else looked like sexy Hermione Grangers. Her confident stride brought her just a few feet away from where we were sitting.
“I’m on page twenty. Start with the voiceover, when the teacher realizes he’s been buying drugs from his student all summer,” Samira directed. “I’ll read the part of Mr. Dane.” Cara flipped through the script, and there was arrogant enthusiasm in her expression. Maybe Fallon was right about her. She began speaking without referring back to the page.
She was half a page in when my stomach clenched.
No fucking way.
I flipped anxiously to the page. This was my original script for the pilot episode, all my words, not the one I’d recently given the other writers permission to draft using my notes. I stood up. “Um…can you stop for a second?” I said to Cara. Actually, I think I yelled because she looked terrified that she’d screwed up.
“What is it?” Samira whispered. After plopping Lux down in the chair, she stood up next to me and looked from my face to my hand. It was shaking so I hid it behind my back. I didn’t know if it was my nerves or the drugs.
“Why are they reading this one?” I asked. The draft of Confessions I’d written wasn’t pilot-ready, despite what Samira said. Most of the lines were awkward. The character development seemed to plateau, especially for Cody. Hackneyed tropes galore. Did high school kids even speak that way? Worst of all, I couldn’t seem to get the hang of the overarching story I wanted to fucking tell—
“Well, I liked yours better. I just happened to read through
the other script last night. It didn’t seem right. I crosschecked it with the draft in the cloud file, and it was different. Where’s all the questionable morality stuff? That was why Tara rocked. She didn’t give a fuck about anything except her money and Cody. Where’s all that?”
“I guess the other writers didn’t want to keep it in. I gave them my notes.”
She let out a flat laugh at the ceiling. “The other writers, Charlie? It’s your goddamn story. You should’ve told me you were turning it over to them in the first place.”
“You shouldn’t have sent it to Hillington in the first place. It wasn’t—”
“‘Ready’?” She did air quotes on either side of her head. “If I waited for every time you were ‘ready,’ we wouldn’t even be here! There would be none of this.” She held up her hands like she needed to calm herself down as lines of frustration cut into her forehead. “Are you just going to supervise now?”
“I don’t know.”
“Oh my fuc…” She looked down at Lux for a moment. “Why wouldn’t you tell me you aren’t writing on the show anymore?”
“I didn’t say that. I said I didn’t know.” Samira was fuming but it shifted to concern, which only made me wonder what I looked like to her. Pathetic, probably. That was why I’d made the decision to turn over the script without consulting her. Samira had no idea how pervasive my self-doubt was, and if I gave up the meds, I’d feel the full weight of it, paralyzing and crippling. I couldn’t have it affecting us in the future. If I fucked up, it would become her fuck-up. If my stories were in someone else’s hands—people Hillington already approved of—she wouldn’t have to worry. My mistakes would not ruin my best friend’s life.
“Can I talk to you in private?” I said.
She nodded. “Josh will take over the auditions for a few minutes,” Samira announced, her voice shaking. Sighing, she lifted Lux to her hip and followed me out of the office. My heart was hammering and the tremors had snaked into my legs, my knees nearly buckling on a few steps. My anxiety had ratcheted up.
Samira paced almost to the end of the block, bouncing Lux, then walked back to me. She was shaking, too, but from the effort it took to suppress her rage. “What are you telling me right now, Charlie? Or not telling me? Because you’ve turned Traitor over to the other writers, and now Confessions, too. What is it?”
