Jed and Martin went into town leaving the kitchen looking as though a bomb had hit it. I was about to start clearing up the breakfast things but stopped myself. Why should it always be me? Matt was in his den so I went through.
‘Matt, would you mind tidying the kitchen?’ I asked.
‘Don’t I always?’
‘No, I usually do.’
‘Is this a complaint?’
‘Not at all. A request. I do most things about the house—’
Matt sighed. ‘I didn’t realize we were keeping scores. What happened to the loving Cait of yesterday evening?’
‘She died in the night.’
‘Did you not sleep well again?’
‘Nope, so just have a tidy up, will you?’
‘I got it first time,’ said Matt.
This wasn’t going well. Maybe I’d just make him a list of things to do and shove it under his nose, then I wouldn’t have to actually ask him to do stuff around the house, but if we couldn’t even have a normal conversation about the chores, we really did need help.
‘Have you thought any more about counselling?’
‘Can’t say it’s been top of my agenda.’
‘I can understand you not wanting to use the vouchers Debs gave us, but how about we find our own therapist?’
‘Is it really necessary?’
‘We’ve nothing to lose; we could agree only to go if we can find someone we both feel comfortable with.’
Matt sighed. ‘If we must.’
So … back to the drawing board. I didn’t want to ignore my mission to get our relationship back on track now that Jed had returned. Maybe the seduction idea and pineapple lubricants were too much, too soon. We needed to work on other stuff first – like how to feel close to each other again, get talking, work out a way to be now we were both at home, and with Jed and Martin.
Number two on the list of how to save my marriage was communication and, judging by my failure to even ask Matt to do a simple task without getting prickly, I had to admit that we could probably benefit from some professional help.
No time like the present, I thought as I went up to my study to my laptop and googled ‘marriage-guidance therapists’. I found a few that sounded promising in the area and made a note to call them. In the meantime, I looked up ‘how to communicate with your husband’.
Hmm. Interesting stuff. More doable than the seduction tips. I should have started here, I thought.
As always, I made a list as I scrolled through the websites I found.
Say please and thank you. Good advice. I should have said, Matt, please tidy the kitchen. Thank you.
Lead by example. Nah. Tried that years ago with all the men in my house. Waste of time. They just thought, hurrah, Mum will do everything.
Don’t attack your partner, it will only make them defensive. For example, don’t start conversations with ‘you should …’ ‘why don’t you …’ ‘you ought to …’ Instead say, ‘it’s hard for me when …’ ‘I feel …’ Again, good advice. I will make a special note of that one.
Reward good behaviour. This always worked when my boys were little. Also, years ago, when we had Dave, our dog. Must apply the same to Matt, though maybe not by giving him dog treats.
Timing. Best to talk when your partner is relaxed, not when he or she has just walked through the door. Go for a drive, a walk, a meal. Good idea for a drive, lock the doors, then he can’t get out of the car.
Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. A romantic notion, of course, but I always felt that Tom could read mine.
Listen as well as talk. Yes.
Mirror each other in body and in speech. For example, ask your partner to say what they need, then repeat it back and ask, ‘I am hearing … Is that right?’ OK.
Compliment each other. God, yes. I don’t do it enough.
Questions to ask – what are you worried about? If you could change anything about our relationship, what would it be? When are you happiest? What can I do to support you? What would improve our lives? Express interest. Must practise interested face.
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Bit big for me. Oh. I see what you mean.
Don’t exaggerate to make a point. Aw, that takes all the fun out of it.
Listen non-defensively. Many couples don’t listen to their partner because they are too busy planning what they’re going to say in their heads. God, this is a long list!
Do something nice for each other once a day. Will do.
Don’t yell. I WON’T.
Take responsibility for your part in it all and let go of having to be right. But I am always right, aren’t I???
Pray together. Hmm. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference etc.
I went through to find Matt in his den. I sat opposite him. He was sitting on the sofa with his legs crossed so I crossed mine and mirrored his posture.
‘You’re looking good today.’
Matt looked surprised. ‘I am?’
‘Yes. I don’t often say it, but I often think that you look good for a man your age.’
‘What do you want, Cait?’
‘Nothing.’
‘OK,’ said Matt. He crossed his legs the other way, so I did the same.
‘How are you feeling these days?’
Matt shrugged so I mirrored his shrug. ‘Fine. OK.’
‘I’m hearing that you’re fine. Is that what you’re saying?’
Matt laughed and crossed his arms. I did the same. ‘Yes. That is what I am saying, Cait.’
‘Good. That’s marvellous.’
‘So what is it you want to say?’
‘To ask how we can improve things in our relationship? Practical things.’
Matt shifted so I shifted too.
‘Well, you can stop copying everything I do for a start,’ he said. ‘It’s spooky.’
‘It’s supposed to make you feel that I empathize with you.’
‘I think you’re supposed to do it subtly, so that the person you’re mirroring doesn’t notice.’
‘So you know all about it?’
‘It’s the sort of thing they teach on weekend team-building workshops but I’m not sure about it. I think it can be manipulative if it’s not natural. However, if you take notice, you will see that people do it naturally and without thinking when they’re getting on.’
‘That was how I was trying to make you feel.’
Matt laughed again. ‘OK, but maybe don’t be so obvious. The way you were going about it made me feel uncomfortable.’ He shifted again. I was about to do the same but stopped myself. ‘What has got into you lately, Cait?’
‘I’m trying to make things better and I thought a good place to start was with talking.’
‘Last night you said it was by being seductive.’
‘I changed my mind. Thought that might be too much, too soon. I’ve found some therapists we could try.’
Matt’s face fell. ‘How did we get here, Cait?’
‘I don’t know.’
We sat in silence for a few moments while I tried to remember some of the tips I’d just read for better communication. ‘Take some of the responsibility’ was one of them. ‘Not easy, is it?’
‘What’s not easy?’ Matt asked.
‘Being married. Keeping it all alive. I know I’m partly to blame.’
‘Are you?’
‘I must be. Tell me what you’d like to change.’
‘I can’t think of anything. I think we muddle along quite well really.’
‘Muddle? But is that enough? Muddling?’
‘I think so. OK. Is there anything you’d like to change?’
I began to think of a list of things. ‘OK. Er … share household tasks more.’
Matt sighed. ‘Just let me know what you want me to do.’
‘I think it would be good if we both knew what the other was responsible for – like who does the shopping, who doe
s the cleaning. Please. Thank you.’
‘Fine. I will do my share of the chores. And try to communicate more … in fact, how are you feeling lately, Cait?’
I felt sudden tears fill my eyes and brushed them away.
‘Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘It’s OK just … I can’t ever remember you ever really asking before, or at least in a caring way. You’ve asked what’s got into me, but in an accusatory way that makes me feel defensive, like I’ve done something wrong.’
‘Surely not. Well I’m asking now. Are you OK? How are you? Really?’
‘Mixed up, I guess. Sorry, that doesn’t help much, does it? As I’ve said, I feel like something needs to change. Maybe us. Maybe just me. I do know that I haven’t felt happy lately.’
‘I know. I do know that even if I don’t say,’ said Matt. ‘I’ve lived with you long enough to know when you’re unhappy. Is there anything particular going on that I should know about? Anything you’re not telling me?’
I shook my head. I felt confused and unsure about what I wanted any more. I could see Matt was trying, though, and remembered the tip about rewarding good behaviour. ‘Well done. Ten out of ten for effort.’
Matt’s concerned expression changed to puzzlement. ‘Are you being sarcastic?’
‘No. No. Sorry. Not at all.’
Matt sighed. ‘As I said to Jed earlier, women are one of life’s great mysteries. You have to remember, Cait, us men are simple folk. We’re not psychic. You have to spell things out very clearly to us or we just don’t get it. Any other top tips? You’ve obviously been looking into this.’
‘Nope.’
I felt hopeless. I’d pushed for better communication then hadn’t known what to say. It threw me a little and made me think that maybe I needed some help in opening up too.
I went back to my study, looked at the list of marriage counsellors and picked up the phone.
*
‘No need to laugh quite so heartily,’ I said after I’d filled Lorna and Debs in on my night of seduction when we met up in our local café for a light lunch. ‘What is love? Here we are, mature women with a lifetime’s experience, but I still don’t think I know.’
‘That’s the million-dollar question,’ said Debs. ‘All those soft-focused pictures you see of a woman’s head on a pillow, a soft smile in the light of the morning, all that imagery. It’s not like that, is it?’
‘Matt says I am like Medusa in the morning,’ I said. ‘He keeps out of my way.’
‘That’s love, being considerate of each other and each other’s moods,’ said Lorna. ‘You learn your way around each other and he knows when to keep his distance. I think love is practical stuff exactly like that, like looking after each other when you’re ill; small acts of kindness.’
‘It used to turn into a competition with Fabio when one of us was ill,’ said Debs. ‘Who could out-ill the other. Fabio always won, especially when he had man flu. He was like that cartoon of the man lying in bed, looking pale and wan and his wife hoovering around him and he says, never mind your hysterectomy, where’s my Lemsip?’
Lorna and I laughed.
‘Love is blind,’ Debs continued. ‘The blind leading the blind.’
‘Not always. My brother said he fell in love with his wife because she gave him his first proper look at a naked woman with the lights on,’ said Lorna.
‘What about passion?’ I asked.
‘That never lasts,’ said Debs.
‘I disagree,’ said Lorna, ‘but you have to work on it.’
‘How?’ Debs and I chorused.
‘Dates out together, doing something you both enjoy, whether that be theatre, eating out, travelling or learning something new together. Time away from the familiarity of the domestic scene. You need times when you can remember why you both fell in love in the first place.’
‘How’s your search going?’ I asked Debs.
‘I’m starting to lose faith in online dating.’
‘So why do it?’ asked Lorna.
‘Companionship, but I’m not sure I can be bothered any more.’
‘I know I couldn’t be bothered,’ said Lorna. ‘All that stuff to go through before you get to the living-in-harmony part. It can take a long time to discover who someone really is and that he leaves his socks on the floor, top of the toothpaste off, loo seat up, gets grumpy in the mornings. Then there are the arguments over décor. He likes minimal, you like country clutter. He’s unsociable, you love a house full of friends. It worked with Alistair but it took time. I’m not sure I could go through that again.’
‘Our compromise was – my money so I made all the decisions about what to buy, he got to appreciate everything I bought,’ said Debs.
‘Maybe that was part of the problem,’ said Lorna. ‘Maybe he needed to have more say. Men do like to feel included and be heard.’
‘Unless it’s about who shops, who does the cleaning, who does the admin,’ I said.
‘Who does that in your house, Cait?’ Debs asked.
‘Mainly me because Matt was always working, but we’re working on changing that.’
‘Fabio used to believe there was a fairy in our house, one who mysteriously replaced the loo paper and the tea bags,’ said Debs.
‘How are you working on changing things, Cait?’ Lorna asked.
‘Early days, but I’ve asked if we can share the chores now that he’s at home.’
‘Only fair,’ said Debs. ‘And I might not know what love is, but I do have some tips for the perfect marriage. A cleaner if you can afford one, two bathrooms and two televisions, so he can watch sport and you can watch whatever you want.’
‘Fair point,’ I said, ‘but we can’t afford a cleaner.’
‘Then it’s a good idea to ask Matt to do more,’ said Lorna. ‘He must have time now, and get those boys to help out too, now that they’re back for a while. They can’t just move in and expect an unpaid servant.’
‘And what are you going to do about reviving your love life after last night?’ asked Debs.
‘No idea. When I say Matt is good in bed now, I mean not too restless, doesn’t snore or wriggle. I don’t know if Matt even finds me attractive any more.’
‘I’m sure he does,’ said Lorna. ‘You look great, years younger than your age.’
‘Do you still find him attractive?’ asked Debs.
I hesitated. ‘Yes, but more in the way of a comfortable old friend with some annoying habits.’
‘Often what attracted you in the first place is what drives you mad after years together – decades, in your case,’ said Lorna. ‘In the beginning, you love how reliable and sensible he is, and that ends up being what drives you mad – you find him boring.’
‘Exactly.’
‘You find Matt boring?’ asked Debs.
‘Er … no, not exactly but I used to love how reliable he was in the beginning, but I often wish now that he’d do something spontaneous, exciting, I don’t know, be a bit wilder, be more adventurous.’
Debs shook her head. ‘I’d give anything for a man like Matt, someone loyal and dependable, but I get what you were saying, Lorna. With Fabio, I loved his childlike spirit then ended up wishing he’d grow up. I loved his independence, then would get mad when he was never at home; loved the fact he was open to new experiences, then off he went with Tantric Tracy. So, it can work both ways. If Matt was wilder, you’d probably be wishing he was more reliable.’
‘Overfamiliarity can be a killer,’ said Lorna. ‘You need distance sometimes.’
‘Yes, but that can have negatives, like with Matt and me. Over the years, we both created lives that were separate from each other. His whole social life was his work and his colleagues.’
‘He must miss that,’ said Debs.
‘I guess he does but the friendships were all based around work and sadly none of them seem to have lasted beyond that. Maybe I need to appreciate and acknowledge him more.’
‘Can’t do
any harm,’ said Debs. ‘Men like to be admired. We all do.’
‘And maybe I need to take care of my appearance more. Spruce up a bit.’
Debs nodded. ‘True. Men like to feel proud of their partner and vice versa, but you always look good, Cait.’
‘Thank you, but not sexy.’
‘So give yourself a makeover. Buy some new clothes. Get your make-up done,’ said Lorna. ‘It has to start with you. If you feel more attractive, people around you see that too.’
I sighed. ‘Maybe, but maybe some people just grow apart.’
‘I think what you’re going through is just a phase,’ said Lorna. ‘Lack of romance can be caused by worry, boredom, bad health, lack of exercise, pressure, stress, overfamiliarity, alcohol. All sorts of reasons.’
‘That’s what I’ve tried telling myself.’
‘Take it a day at a time. Instead of “I’ll be loving you always”, try for “I’ll be loving you Tuesdays”,’ said Lorna.
I laughed. ‘Thanks, and sorry to go on.’
Lorna put a hand over mine. ‘You can always talk to us and I’m glad you have.’
*
‘Where’s Matt gone?’ I asked Jed when I got home.
‘Said something about going for a walk?’
‘Your dad? What kind of walk?’
‘A walk walk.’
‘Did he say where he was going to walk?’
‘No. He just put on his walking shoes and off he went. He’s probably having an affair.’
‘Very funny.’
It was puzzling, though. Years ago, Matt used to go off hiking but more recently, although we’d occasionally go for a walk together or with friends, he never went on his own.
25
Matt
An attractive, slim woman in her thirties came into the reception area of the gym then over to where I was sitting. She had blonde hair tied back from a glowing face and was dressed in hot pink Lycra. She exuded energy and I felt pale and stodgy beside her.
‘Hi. I’m Chrissie,’ she said, and gave me a handshake so strong it made me wince. ‘You must be Matt. I believe you wanted to talk about keeping fit?’
‘I do. I’m researching methods for living well for the over-fifties and -sixties and when I came in last week, the girl on reception said you’re the person to talk to.’
Dancing Over the Hill Page 20
