by Debra
26. BDSM & Self-Pleasuring
Playing with power is a real turn-on. Dominants relish the idea of being in total control of a submissive, often ordering the submissive to perform sexual acts that he or she might not normally do. It’s part power trip, part sexual novelty.
Watching a woman masturbate is a favorite male fantasy, so it is no small wonder this adult daydream finds its way into the BDSM world. A male dominant will often instruct a female submissive to masturbate for his viewing pleasure. He may ask her to use a dildo (see #29) or just her fingers. He may choose to walk her through the process step-by-step, instructing her how and when to touch her clitoris, caress her breasts and body, and slide a finger inside her vagina. To raunch things up, he might restrain her in the spread-eagle position (see #5) and have her grind her genitals against his leg or hand until she reaches orgasm. The combination of her arousal and helplessness has great erotic impact.
A male dominant can also slide a rabbit-style vibrator (see #29) inside the vagina of his bound female submissive, turn it on, and watch her writhe in restrained sexual agony until she climaxes, almost against her will. The dominant may at times remove the vibrator, or pull it out just enough that his submissive has to desperately twist and turn to push it back inside her body. This can be an excruciatingly erotic game to play (see #28).
A male dominant may wish to apply a pair of nipple clamps (see #15) to his spread-eagle submissive to increase the involuntary onslaught of pleasure that she receives. Flogging her breasts or pubic area with a tasseled whip (see #13) can make her squirm even more to compound the dominant’s sense of sexual power. Again, this is a potent sight that few men get to see and a BDSM scene can bring it to sexy life.
Many female dominants similarly revel in the idea of ordering a male submissive to masturbate. Male masturbation is something that most women rarely see, so the sense of sexual novelty can be particularly profound for the fairer sex. For whatever reason, a woman watching a man self-pleasure is more taboo than the other way around. If a man is hesitant to perform in this way, immersing himself in the role of the submissive can help him release his inhibitions and enjoy his partner’s response.
To set this scene, the female dominant should sit her male submissive in a high-backed chair. She should bind his ankles to the legs of the chair, and then wrap a rope (see #6) around his chest to tie at the back of the chair, thus restraining him in the chair in the upright position. She can leave one or both of his hands free, depending on her preference. She should then give her submissive a handful of warming personal lubricant (see #29) and order him to start stroking.
If she wishes, the female dominant can instruct her submissive to use a male masturbation toy (see #29 and #30). She may order him to stroke himself to climax, or she might make him stop when he is close to coming (see #28) so that she can continue to use him for her pleasure.
While self-pleasuring has great value as an element of BDSM sexplay, it has an added bonus—it gives partners the opportunity to showcase precisely how they like to be touched. Not only is masturbation a sight to behold, it offers a lesson to be learned.
27. Rough Sex & Force Fantasies
BDSM sexplay is not a leisure sport. It is not uncommon for players to work up a sweat, lose their breath, feel their hearts race or come away with a few raunchy forget-me-nots, from rope-burned wrists and reddened buttocks to pleasantly sore genitals and aching muscles. Playing with the idea of sexual power and control is not for timid, unimaginative or lazy lovers. This is tough sex, not tantric sex.
As such, it isn’t uncommon for BDSM to include features of rough sex and force fantasies. These may be relatively mild restraint fantasies (see #9) or more intense fantasies involving a greater degree of force, domination, bondage and resistance. As these types of fantasies intensify in content, so too does the physicality of sexplay between partners.
Rough sex fantasies are appealing to both men and women and do not indicate a desire to rape or be raped. For men, they are indulgent and escapist and lead to a potent rush of raw power. He is going to take what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it and as much as he wants it. And no, he isn’t going to put the cat out first, damn it.
For women, force fantasies often fulfill a need to be so intensely desired by a man that he cannot stop himself from ravishing her. He might be a medieval knight on horseback or a powerful but lonely businessman with a hole in his soul—a hole that can only be filled by her. The man knows it’s wrong, he knows he should stop, but his loins are quivering with hot desire and his manhood is swelling to stallion proportions in anticipation of sinking into the sweet warmth of her . . . Well, you get the picture. This theme is a prevailing one in formulaic romance novels, often called “bodice-rippers.”
When performed in a consensual, informed and safe way, force fantasies are a healthy part of a normal sex life and can fulfill the private desires of both partners. They do, however, require an advance discussion about limits and a safe word (see #2).
Common force fantasies in the BDSM world involve kidnap, confinement in a bedroom or dungeon, and forced sexual acts including intercourse and oral sex. They usually involve bondage and restraint on a bed or another piece of furniture (see #5 to #7 and #34) or a suspension device (see #8). There may also be an element of psychological force (see #4), where the dominant “forces” the submissive to disrobe or perform a sex act against her or his will.
To intensify the arousing effects of bondage and force, the dominant may wish to blindfold the submissive and add elements of sensory deprivation (see #10) into the BDSM scene via a hood or a mouth gag. The use of spanking toys (see #12) and flogging instruments (see #13) can also add to the physicality of the scene.
When it comes to force fantasies, both men and women can be dominants. If a female dominant wants to assault her submissive in this way, she should first restrain him spread-eagle to the bed (see #5). She may then fellate him to erection or use a warming lube to make him hard. She can add a penis ring and coax him toward involuntary climax with her hands or she can blindfold him and use a real or makeshift male masturbation toy (see #29 and #30) to make him come against his will without ever showing him what the device on his erection really is.
28. Orgasm Control
The dominant’s ability to have total and complete control over the sexual arousal and activities of the submissive is a central principle of BDSM sexplay. But it doesn’t end there—a dominant should also have control over when and how the submissive will orgasm. This involves a mix of physical domination (see #2) and mental domination (see #4) over the submissive. More often than not, orgasm control relies on delayed gratification (see #3) to prolong and ultimately intensify final release.
At its simplest, a dominant may control the submissive’s orgasm by verbally instructing him or her how and when to climax. To spice it up, a dominant can “tie and tease” the submissive (see #33). The submissive may be restrained to the bed, a chair or other piece of furniture (see #5 to#7) or from an actual or makeshift suspension device, whether a shower curtain rod or door jam cuffs (see #8). He or she may also be bound by rope (see #34).
The female dominant can toy with her male submissive’s erection and level of arousal by subjecting his genitals to fellatio (see #41), brief periods of vaginal penetration and the distinct sensations of a variety of sex toys (see #29 and #30). To treat him to erotic torture (see #33), she can repeatedly bring him to the very threshold of orgasm, and then back off—a practice called “edging.”
Similarly, the male dominant can stimulate his female submissive’s genitals and edge her to the brink of orgasm and back via cunnilingus and fingering (see #38 and #40), and periods of vaginal penetration using different thrusts, speeds and depths to maximize sensation (see #36). He can also use a selection of sex toys (see #29) for maximum erotic impact.
By using a number of different tools and technique
s on the submissive’s body, the dominant is able to assault the submissive’s body with shards of sexual stimulation, while simultaneously preventing him or her from building the momentum needed for orgasm. This can prolong the BDSM experience for both partners. When the dominant wants the submissive to climax, he or she should continue to use the same strokes and stimulation, so that the submissive can reach the sexual crescendo. The dominant may also want to verbally communicate that it is time for the submissive to orgasm.
If desired, the dominant can choose to engage in mutual climax, where both partners reach orgasm at the same time. Partners who achieve mutual orgasm have great insight into each other’s sexuality and arousal cycles, and this isn’t a goal that is easily achieved.
While orgasm control is a powerful element of BDSM, dominants must beware the “ruined orgasm.” If the submissive is brought to the edge of orgasm too many times, or if he or she experiences an ill-timed orgasm (for example, when the dominant has ceased genital stimulation), the submissive’s orgasm will be unsatisfying. To avoid the ruined orgasm, the dominant must be keenly aware of where the submissive is in his or her arousal cycle.
29. A BDSM Sex Toy Box
BDSM doesn’t pack lightly. It is a sexual sport that requires a disrespectable wardrobe (see #23) and, more importantly, a wide range of accessories. The following is a summarized shopping list of BDSM sex toys that couples may want to stock in their adult toy box (see #2). A brief description of each item, including instructions and ideas for use, may be found below or in other parts of the book, as indicated.
While restraints and erotic aids are fundamental to BDSM sexplay, newcomers should not let their reluctance to visit a sex shop or make a XXX online purchase stop them from getting in the game. With a little imagination—and a dirty mind—low-cost, readily available G-rated items can be substituted during play. These kinds of alternatives are suggested below and throughout the book.
For Both:
Restraint Gear Bondage equipment is a defining part of BDSM sexplay. Couples can invest in leather wrist and ankle restraints, although plastic dollar-store toy handcuffs will do too. An under-the-bed restraint system, either professional or improvised (see #5), is essential. High-quality rope—the type that is used in Japanese rope binding—should be on your wish list, although cotton rope is an economical, widely available alternative (see #6 and #34).
Another option is to visit a fabric store and purchase several long, skinny lengths of fabric that can be used in lieu of rope. This lets couples experiment with the way different fabrics feel against the body and the genitals. It also helps a female submissive look her best and most fashionable, even under BDSM duress.
Specially designed BDSM suspension equipment is available, and door jam cuffs are a great item; however, small lengths of rope or fabric (as above) can be tied to regular door hooks and then wrapped around the submissive’s wrists to secure his or her arms overhead. A shower rod can also be used to hold up a submissive’s arms (see #8). Arm binders offer added excitement and visual appeal. Leg-spreader bars—a rigid bar with ankle cuffs on either end—add edgy novelty to the bondage experience.
Sensory Deprivation Gear BDSM play delivers extreme sensation—and when one sense is restricted, the others are amplified. A blindfold is a mandatory BDSM accessory, while hoods, muzzles and mouth gags are optional for beginners (see #10).
Personal Lubricant Good-quality personal lubricants are helpful during sexplay. Water-based lubes are generally best and are compatible with most sex toys, including those made of latex and silicone. Silicone-based lubes are ideal for aqua sex, but will break down toys made of silicone. Oil and petroleum-based lubes can cause staining and infection and are not recommended. A thick artificial personal lubricant is essential when engaging in anal play or penetration (see #42 and #43). Choose one that is designed specifically for anal sex.
Some personal lubes have warming or cooling properties in addition to lubrication. These can be used during intercourse (see #36) or to enhance manual stimulation of both men (see #30) and women. Other personal lubricants pull double duty as massage lotion, although these do not tend to be as good as real massage oil.
Straight Vibrator Nonintimidating, versatile and effective, this is the classic sex toy. It can be used to tease the nipples and the genitals. On women, a straight vibrator can provide vibrating sensation to the clitoris and then slip inside the vagina for internal pleasure. On men, a straight vibrator can be rolled along an erect shaft and over the glans. It can also be rolled over and under the scrotum, and then pressed against the perineum to stimulate the prostate (see #42).
Spanking Toys Erotic spanking is a hallmark of BDSM and impact toys can maximize sensation while exploiting the power imbalance between the dominant and submissive. There is a wide variety of both BDSM paddles and improvised items, including kitchen utensils, that can be used (see #12).
Flogging Instruments Canes and whips, especially whips with long tasseled ends, can be used instead of, or in conjunction with, spanking tools to increase sensation and immerse partners in the BDSM experience. Makeshift floggers include bunches of dried grasses (see #13).
Ticklers Ticklers come in a variety of styles and materials. They can be as expensive and exotic as ostrich or peacock feathers, or as inexpensive and common as a maid’s feather duster (see #32). When combined with bondage and restraint, tickling allows a dominant to subject a submissive to exquisite erotic torture (see #33).
Probes Often used in anal play (see #42), probes are available in an almost endless selection of styles. Many are designed to stimulate the prostate. Probes designed for vaginal use are designed to stroke a woman’s G-spot.
Butt Plugs Cursed with the ugliest name in the sex toy industry, butt plugs are nonetheless a popular toy for anal sex play (see #43). At first glance, they look like a monstrous tack that a sadistic kid might put on a teacher’s chair. They’re designed to hit the same spot, too. If you’re into anal play, or schoolteacher fantasies, you’ll want to add one to your stash.
Anal Beads These come as a string of beads that are often graduated from small to larger. They are designed to slip into the anus and may stay in place, slide in and out or be withdrawn during orgasm (see #43).
Glass Toys Blessed with the loveliest appearance of all erotic aids, glass toys—often made of ultra-hygienic Pyrex—are perfect for temperature play. Their aesthetic appeal is perfect for discerning BDSM sophisticates. Glass jewelry can sometimes be substituted (see #18).
Electrosex Products The practice of erotic electrostimulation or “electrosex” is, relatively speaking, a newcomer to the BDSM world. Nonetheless, it hasn’t taken long for a variety of electrosex products—from penis bands to sex clamps—to appear on the sex toy market (see #31).
Candles Properly wicked soy candles are suitable for temperature and wax play because, unlike paraffin or beeswax candles, they will not burn the skin (see #16).
For Her:
The Rabbit Vibrator This type of vibrator is guaranteed to quickly bring almost any woman to orgasm. It consists of a rotating shaft and a two-pronged clitoral stimulator in the shape of rabbit ears, thus providing simultaneous vaginal and clitoral stimulation. When slid inside a restrained female submissive, she will have little choice but to succumb to the tag-team pleasure of the deep turning shaft and the gentle vibrations of the rabbit ears. To simulate the action of the rabbit ears, an electric toothbrush can be used on a woman’s clitoris (see #34).
The Remote-Controlled Bullet Vibrator Good things really do come in small packages. The bullet or egg vibrator slips inside a woman’s vagina to provide discreet stimulation. And when her dominant is at the controls, the pleasure is as unpredictable as it is unstoppable. Some bullet vibrators attach to the crotch area of panties, so there is a make and model to suit every woman and sexual purpose (see #21).
Dildos Dildos are phallic-looking
sex toys. Some resemble real penises, while others have more of a novelty appeal in terms of size and color. Many boast bumps or other textures to enhance pleasure. Strap-on dildos are often used in BDSM sexplay, especially for more hard-core scenes where a female dominant “penetrates” a male submissive (see #43).
Nipple Clamps, Toys & Gels There is a plethora of products designed for nipple stimulation. From simple alligator clamps and suction mini-cups to vibrating clips and stimulating lotions, nipple toys provide a hands-free way for a dominant to ensure his submissive’s most sensitive areas remain stimulated. A range of common items from wooden clothespins to kitchen tongs can also be used for nipple stimulation (see #15).
Clitoral Stimulating Gels, Creams or Lotions These products produce a tingling sensation that intensifies clitoral arousal. They are best used during fingering and intercourse, as their taste and effect may bother a man who is performing cunnilingus. A man who uses a strong mint mouthwash prior to cunnilingus can treat his woman to a similar tingling experience without having his tongue go numb while performing oral sex.
Ben Wa Balls Ben Wa balls slip inside a woman’s vagina to produce constant internal pleasure. They are the perfect complements to delayed gratification (see #3), erotic torture (see #33) and cunnilingus (see #40). They may be made of rubber, plastic or glass, and some models vibrate for extra sensation.
For Him:
Penis Stimulating Gel, Cream or Lotion These products create a tingling sensation on an erect shaft, thereby intensifying arousal and increasing sensitivity. These are best used during manual manipulation (see #30) and intercourse (see #36), as their taste and effect may be unpleasant to a woman performing fellatio. A woman can bring a tingling sensation to fellatio by using a minty mouthwash or sucking on a strong mint before performing oral sex.
