“No, she was off skiing in Tahoe.” The derision in his voice was hard to miss. “I had to make a quick decision, and I thought I’d made the right one. I thought she was comfortable with the idea of adoption.”
“But she wasn’t?” Natalie prompted.
He shook his head. “No. If anything, she was disappointed, because she wasn’t anxious to be tied down.” He smiled wanly. “If you think the boys are a handful now, you should have seen them at age two.” He paused, lost in memories.
Natalie closed her eyes, envisioning the boys as they had been at two, the last time she’d seen them. She felt her heart crack a little. She’d had no idea then that it would be the last time she’d see them in over three years.
She and a neighbor had formed a play group. Since they both had two children, boys about the same age, each week one of them took all four boys for the afternoon, giving the other mother several hours free. Her neighbor, Jill, had the boys on the afternoon they’d disappeared. She’d taken them to the park. One of her own children had fallen, and while she was tending to him, the twins had simply vanished.
Raymond had no doubt been watching her, waiting for the right opportunity to snatch the boys. He knew about the play group, knew that all he had to do was wait for Jill to be distracted for a moment. And then he’d taken them. He’d called Natalie later that evening with his warning, telling her not to try to find the boys or they’d pay.
At the memory, Natalie’s throat burned with unshed tears, and she had to take several deep, long breaths before she was certain she could contain her emotions and her tears.
“Kathryn simply freaked,” Jared was saying. “She had absolutely no interest in the boys. Tommy and I took care of them. They were scared and a little traumatized. Their mother had apparently passed away, and they’d cried for weeks for her. Timmy couldn’t sleep and had nightmares. He’d wake up three or four times during the night, crying for his mother.” Saddened, Jared shook his head. “I’d walk the floor with him for hours, trying to soothe him. He was so scared his whole body would shake.” Shaking his head, Jared blew out a breath. “Kathryn slept right through it, but it nearly broke my heart.”
“The poor thing.” Natalie’s voice was a choked whisper and tears filled her eyes. The image of her son, her precious baby, being scared, having nightmares and crying out for her filled her with an unbearable sadness that was almost impossible to contain. Silently, she cursed Raymond again for doing this to her and her sons.
Jared squeezed her hand in comfort. “Within six months, Kathryn took off.”
“You mean she just left?” Now that she knew them so well, Natalie was even more horrified that the woman could just walk away from Jared and Tommy, not to mention the boys.
“Well, she didn’t just leave.” Jared’s smile was bitter. “She took a good chunk of my money with her. It was the only way I could get her to give up any claim to the boys.”
Natalie had to swallow hard around the lump in her throat. “You mean you bought the boys from her?”
His startled gaze jumped to hers. “Well, I don’t know that I’d go so far as to say that, Nat—”
“I’m sorry.” Realizing how harsh her words had sounded, Natalie gave his hand a squeeze. “I didn’t quite mean it that way, Jared.”
He shrugged. “I wanted the boys, and I wanted to be certain I never had to worry about her ever trying to claim them.”
Natalie frowned. “But I don’t understand. I thought you said she had no interest in them.”
“She didn’t, but she did have a keen interest in my money.” His face grew grim. “She knew how much the boys meant to me.” He shrugged again. “Kathryn was not stupid. She knew I’d do anything to keep the boys safe and protect them.”
“So you paid her off?” Natalie asked quietly, and he nodded.
“In a manner of speaking.” He leaned forward. “I’m not particularly proud of my behavior, Natalie, but you have to understand. Those boys mean the world to me. I’d do anything—anything—to protect them and keep them safe.” There was a fierceness in his voice, a protectiveness that frightened her, for she had no doubt he meant it. “It was only money.” He shrugged. “It meant nothing, not compared to the boys.” He thought of his brother Jesse. The Ryan family would have given up their entire fortune to get him back, and wouldn’t have thought twice about it. “Can you understand that?”
Natalie felt a chill race over her and was grateful she had a moment to compose herself when the waiter approached with their entrees. “Of course,” she said quietly. “It’s perfectly understandable.” Trembling now, she took another sip of her wine then picked up her fork, merely toying with her food. “Have you ever heard from her? I mean, has Kathryn ever contacted you about the boys?”
He nodded. “She calls about once a year to check in for whatever reason. Who knows what’s going on in that head of hers? I just heard from her a few weeks ago. Guess she had a flash of guilty conscience. She called to see how the boys were doing, or so she says. Personally, I think she was running low on money and was going to hit me up. Her father passed away not too long ago, and from what I understand he died broke.” Jared shrugged. “So I’m sure she thought she could come back to the Ryan money well again. But I didn’t give her a chance. I made sure our call was brief.”
Natalie’s gaze searched his. “And what did you tell her?” Her fears for her sons were now doubled, knowing Jared’s ex-wife might use them as a bartering tool.
He smiled, lifted her hand and kissed it gently again. “It gave me great pleasure to tell her we were doing absolutely wonderfully. That the boys had a brand-new, wonderful nanny and were thriving.”
Natalie watched him carefully. “And what did she say?”
“Nothing. I guess I sort of took the wind out of her sails. She said she just wanted to check how things were.”
“Do you believe her?”
He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter whether I believe her or not.” He cut into his steak. “It doesn’t matter what she does as long as she stays away from the boys.”
By the time their coffee was served, Natalie was almost certain she had her emotions and her nerves under control. Talk had turned from Jared’s ex-wife Kathryn to the boys’ antics the past few weeks, bringing some much needed relief to her jangling nerves.
Discussing the boys’ recent adventures was a subject she felt safe talking about.
“It’s hard to believe Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away,” Jared said, slowly stirring sugar into his coffee.
“I know. This fall seems to have flown by.” Smiling, she poured cream into her own, then took a sip, sighing in pleasure at the flavor.
“Will you be needing some time off to spend the holiday with your family? Jake and Rebecca will be home, and I’m sure they’d be glad to pitch in and help with the boys.”
Natalie glanced across the table at him, not certain how to answer.
Jared smiled at her, oblivious to her sudden discomfort. “Do you realize, Natalie, that even after all this time I don’t know if you have parents, brothers, sisters?”
She glanced up, then away. “My mom died when I was six. My father raised me and my brother.” She forced herself to look at him. “My brother was killed in a car accident when he was seventeen.” She took a sip of her coffee, smiling wanly, the pain still strong after all these years. “It was devastating to lose him.”
Cocking his head, Jared studied her. “Were you close?” he asked quietly.
She nodded. “Very. We were only two years apart, and after my mom died, we were sort of comrades-in-arms.” She lifted her head to smile. “Then, just about two and a half years ago, my father passed away from a heart attack.” A heart attack caused by the stress of Raymond’s actions. Her nerves began to thrum and she shrugged. “So that’s it. It’s just me.” Her throat was so dry, she took another sip of her wine, then reached for her water, preferring something cool to soothe her throat. “So no, I won’t be needing time
off to spend with family.”
“I’m sorry, Nat.” Smiling gently, Jared reached across the table and took her hand in his. “It must have been very difficult to have lost so many people you loved.”
Something in his tone of voice caused her to look at him curiously. Tilting her head, she studied him over the rim of her cup. “You sound like you have some experience with loss?” Even in the candlelight, she could see that he paled, and it startled her. “Jared?” She touched his arm, alarmed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.” Her voice was tinged with regret.
“No. No.” He blew out another breath and tried to smile, but simply couldn’t manage it. “You’re not prying.” He stared into his coffee cup for a long, silent moment. “I have three brothers, Nat.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand. I thought Jake and Josh were your only brothers,” she said, knowing she couldn’t let on that she knew all about his family from the articles she’d read before she’d arrived.
“No.” His voice was a low, hushed whisper. “There was Jesse as well.”
The pain in his voice was so strong it was like a living thing, making his words vibrate with anguish. Her own heart began to ache for him. This was obviously something very, very painful to him, and she hated to see Jared look so tormented.
“Jesse?” she prompted softly, and Jared nodded.
“He was the youngest of the four of us.” Jared lifted his cup, took a sip of coffee, then set it down again before raising his gaze to hers. “When Jesse was just about five, he was…he…disappeared.” Jared’s voice had gone flat, cold, emotionless. Natalie knew from experience what that was like—the supreme control it took to block the pain, to block the heartache, while inside you were devoid of life, an empty shell.
“Jared!” Horrified, she took his hand in hers, wanting to offer comfort, wanting to ease the tortured look on his face, in his eyes. “What do you mean, he disappeared? Five-year-old boys just don’t disappear.” How well she knew! she thought, her heart aching for Jared and his family.
He blew out a long breath, clutching her hand tightly in his. “Jake, Josh and I went to a sleepover at a neighbor’s. It was a last blowout before school started.”
“Jesse didn’t go?”
He shook his head. “No. He was only five. My mother thought he was too young to go on an overnight, especially since she and my dad were going out.”
“What happened?”
“Our nanny came over to sit with Jesse.” Jared glanced up at her and Natalie wanted to weep at the look on his face. “She left the house, leaving Jesse asleep and alone. When she returned, the front door was open and Jesse was gone.” Jared dragged a trembling hand through his hair. He never spoke about Jesse with anyone. Couldn’t even remember the last time he’d told anyone about his brother. Or the loss he’d felt all these years. “We…we never saw him again. Never found out what happened to him. He was just…lost.” He glanced up at her. “We spent years looking for him, chasing false leads, paying informants, hiring private detectives.”
“What about the nanny? Surely she must have known something?”
Jared shook his head. “No. They suspected she was involved and even questioned her, but they didn’t have enough evidence to hold or charge her with anything, and she never changed her story that Jesse was fine and sleeping in his room when she last saw him. That she fell asleep on the couch watching TV, and when she woke up the front door was wide open and Jesse was gone.” Jared dragged a hand through his hair. “Believe it or not, Rebecca, my brother Jake’s wife, is the daughter of our nanny.” He held up his hand. “Her mother recently passed away. Rebecca came back to Saddle Falls to bury her and to find out exactly what part her mother had played in Jesse’s disappearance.”
“And did she?” Natalie asked gently.
He shook his head. “Yes. During her investigation, she and Jake fell in love and married. That’s why Jake and Rebecca are still traveling, following up more leads they received on Jesse’s whereabouts.”
Natalie’s heart leaped. “Do you think they might be able to find him?” She knew from experience how difficult it was to find a child who had disappeared, knew from experience how many false leads and blind alleys you had to drive through to find one small kernel of information that might help you.
He shook his head. “I don’t know.” His smile was wan. “After all this time, I’m about ready to give up hope.” His gaze met hers. “It’s been so long, Nat. So very, very long.”
She squeezed his hand. “Jared, don’t ever give up hope, no matter how long it is, no matter how long it takes. All you need is one good lead, one positive clue, and that might be what leads you to him.” The fervor in her own voice rang in her ears, and Natalie realized she was speaking about her own experience finding the boys. It scared her for a moment, knowing she’d allowed her own personal situation and emotions to come so close to the surface.
“I’m trying, Nat. But it’s hard not to give up.” Jared shook his head. “Jesse’s disappearance almost killed my mother. I don’t think she ever got over it.”
“I don’t think a mother ever gets over such a loss,” Natalie said carefully. Hands shaking, she sipped the last of her coffee. “It torments you every moment of every day, wondering what happened to your child. If he’s hurt, crying, safe. Every child you see, you search his face, hoping it’s yours. But it never is,” she murmured. “And at night, you see them, and invariably they’re crying for you, but you can’t reach them, can’t find them.” With a frightened shudder, she shook the image away, an image that she herself had lived with for almost three years. “They’re simply…lost to you.”
“I don’t think my mother ever stopped blaming herself,” Jared admitted.
“That’s only natural, Jared.” Natalie had to remind herself to breathe, not certain if she was talking about herself and her situation, or Jared’s. “Mothers always feel responsible for what happens to their kids—good or bad—and for some reason we feel like we’re omnipotent, able to protect our kids from any harm.” She shrugged. “It goes with the territory. But one thing I’ve learned is that mothers are only human, too. We do the best we can and simply pray for the rest. It’s all we can do.”
“I know. But my mom took it so hard.” He shook his head. “My parents were killed in a freak plane crash coming home from a business trip. It saddens me to think my mother died never knowing what happened to her youngest son.” He took a deep breath. “I know her last thoughts were of Jesse.” His voice was a husky whisper that caused Natalie’s throat to close.
“Oh, Jared.” Tears came, faster, harder, and slipped unheeded down Natalie’s face. “I’m so sorry. So very, very sorry.” She clung to his hand, then lifted it to her own lips, kissing it in comfort, the way he had done to hers during dinner. She wanted so much to hold and comfort him, to ease some of the pain he was feeling, the pain she had felt all these years because of the loss of her own children.
“Can we get out of here?” he asked abruptly, and she nodded. Jared stood, came around to pull out her chair, tossed some bills on the table, then took her hand, guiding her toward the exit.
The moment the door closed behind them, he stepped into a small alcove next to the entrance and dragged her to him, wrapping his arms around her, needing, wanting to hold her. Standing there in the darkness, where no one could see them, it was as if they were all alone in the world.
“Jared.” Emotions high, Natalie clung to him, ran her fingers around the back of his head, pressed kisses to his cheeks, his jaw, his temple, wanting only to ease the pain and heartache she’d seen reflected in his eyes. “I’m so sorry,” she murmured, her voice choked with tears. “So very sorry.”
She knew exactly the kind of pain he was going through. Knew, too, how not knowing what had happened to someone you loved ate a hole in your heart—a wound that seemed to grow and fester with each passing hour and day.
“I’m sorry, too, Nat,” he said quietly, drawing back and f
eeling a bit embarrassed by his display of emotions. “I don’t usually talk about Jesse with anyone.”
She searched his gaze, saw the depth of emotion and felt her heart ache. “Then I’m glad you talked about him with me.”
He laid a hand to her cheek, let his fingers stroke and caress the silk of her skin. “I certainly didn’t intend to tell you,” he said, still struggling to understand why he had. “I guess I’ve just come to trust you, and not just with the boys.” He brushed his lips against her forehead, pulling her close and into his arms again, wanting to hold her, to feel her body near his, warming him. “I haven’t trusted anyone but family for a long, long time.” Gently, he pushed her hair off her face, his gaze caressing her. “Being able to talk to you, to tell you things, to share things with you…” He hesitated, pressed his lips to her temple. “I can’t tell you how much that means to me, Nat.” He drew back, looked down at her. “Or how much you mean to me,” he added quietly, lowering his mouth to hers.
“Oh, Jared.” Natalie clung to him, lifting her mouth for his kiss, clutching the back of his sweater with her hands, pressing herself against him. She felt as if she were drowning, and he was the only lifeboat in sight. The touch of his lips was like a soothing balm that miraculously seemed to ease the pain and hurt that she had lived with so long.
“Natalie.” Her name was a plea wrenched from his lips, filled with emotion, filled with such need she wanted to weep.
Jared Ryan trusted her.
And she was going to deceive him.
Chapter Six
The following evening as Jared tucked the boys into bed, he had to laugh at their shenanigans. “Come on, Dad, just one more, please?” Snuggling deeper beneath the covers, Terry stifled a huge yawn.
“Yeah, please, Dad?” Timmy’s voice from the adjacent twin bed was foggy with sleep as well.
“We like when you tell us stories ’bout when you and Uncle Jake and Josh were little.”
“That’s only because it gives you ideas,” Jared said with a chuckle, ruffling Terry’s hair.
Anything for Her Family Page 9
