It’s okay for her, she’s not in school, she doesn’t remember what it’s like.
So I quit running and walked after Joey until the bell rang, and then I got my book bag back from the bushes outside where he threw it. I was crying a little, and I ducked into the Girls’ Room.
Stacey Buhl was in there doing her lipstick like usual and wouldn’t talk to me like usual, but Rita came bustling in and said somebody should off that dumb dork Joey, except, of course, it was really Billy that put him up to it. Like usual.
Rita is okay except she’s an outsider herself, being that her kid brother has AIDS, and lots of kids’ parents don’t think she should even be in the school. So I don’t hang around with her a lot. I’ve got enough trouble, and anyway, I was late for math.
I had to talk to somebody, though. After school I told Gerry-Anne, who’s been my best friend on and off since fourth grade. She was off at the moment, but I found her in the library and I told her I’d had a weird dream about being a wolf. She wants to be a psychiatrist like her mother, so of course she listened.
She told me I was nuts. That was a big help.
That night I made sure the back door wasn’t exactly closed, and then I got in bed with no clothes on—imagine turning into a wolf in your underpants and T-shirt—and just shivered, waiting for something to happen.
The moon came up and shone in my window, and I changed again, just like before, which is not one bit like how it is in the movies—all struggling and screaming and bones snapping out with horrible cracking and tearing noises, just the way I guess you would imagine it to be, if you knew it had to be done by building special machines to do that for the camera and make it look real—if you were a special-effects man, instead of a werewolf.
For me, it didn’t have to look real, it was real. It was this melting and drifting thing, which I got sort of excited by it this time. I mean, it felt—interesting. Like something I was doing, instead of just another dumb body-mess happening to me because some brainless hormones said so.
I must have made a noise. Hilda came upstairs to the door of my bedroom, but luckily she didn’t come in. She’s tall, and my ceiling is low for her, so she often talks to me from the landing.
Anyway, I’d heard her coming, so I was in my bed with my whole head shoved under my pillow, praying frantically that nothing showed.
I could smell her, it was the wildest thing—her own smell, sort of sweaty but sweet, and then on top of it her perfume, like an ice pick stuck in my nose. I didn’t actually hear a word she said, I was too scared, and also, I had this ripply shaking feeling inside me, a high that was only partly terror.
See, I realized all of a sudden, with this big blossom of surprise, that I didn’t have to be scared of Hilda, or anybody. I was strong, my wolf-body was strong, and anyhow, one clear look at me and she would drop dead.
What a relief, though, when she went away. I was dying to get out from under the weight of the covers, and besides I had to sneeze. Also I recognized that part of the energy roaring around inside me was hunger.
They went to bed—I heard their voices even in their bedroom, though not exactly what they said, which was fine. The words weren’t important anymore, I could tell more from the tone of what they were saying.
Like I knew they were going to do it, and I was right. I could hear them messing around right through the walls, which was also something new, and I have never been so embarrassed in my life. I couldn’t even put my hands over my ears because my hands were paws.
So while I was waiting for them to go to sleep, I looked myself over in the big mirror on my closet door.
There was this big wolf head with a long slim muzzle and a thick ruff around my neck. The ruff stood up as I growled and backed up a little.
Which was silly of course, there was no wolf in the bedroom but me. But I was all strung out, I guess, and one wolf, me in my wolf body, was as much as I could handle the idea of, let alone two wolves, me and my reflection.
After that first shock, it was great. I kept turning one way and another for different views.
I was thin, with these long, slender legs but strong, you could see the muscles, and feet a little bigger than I would have picked. But I’ll take four big feet over two big boobs any day.
My face was terrific, with jaggedy white ripsaw teeth and eyes that were small and clear and gleaming in the moonlight. The tail was a little bizarre, but I got used to it, and actually it had a nice plumy shape. My shoulders were big and covered with long, glossy-looking fur, and I had this neat coloring, dark on the back and a sort of melting silver on my front and under parts.
The thing was, though, my tongue hanging out. I had a lot of trouble with that, it looked gross and silly at the same time. I mean, that was my tongue, about a foot long and neatly draped over the points of my bottom canines. That was when I realized that I didn’t have a whole lot of expressions to use, not with that face, which was more like a mask.
But it was alive; it was my face and those were my own long black lips that my tongue licked.
No doubt about it, this was me. I was a werewolf, like in the movies they showed over Halloween weekend. But it wasn’t anything like your ugly movie werewolf that’s just some guy loaded up with pounds and pounds of makeup. I was gorgeous.
I didn’t want to just hang around admiring myself in the mirror, though. I couldn’t stand being cooped up in that stuffy, smell-crowded room.
When everything settled down and I could hear Dad and Hilda breathing the way they do when they’re sleeping, I snuck out.
The dark wasn’t very dark to me, and the cold felt sharp like vinegar, but not in a hurting way. Everyplace I went, there were these currents like waves in the air, and I could draw them in through my long wolf nose and roll the smell of them over the back of my tongue. It was like a whole different world, with bright sounds everywhere and rich, strong smells.
And I could run.
I started running because a car came by while I was sniffing at the garbage bags on the curb, and I was really scared of being seen in the headlights. So I took off down the dirt alley between our house and the Morrisons’ next door, and holy cow, I could tear along with hardly a sound, I could jump their picket fence without even thinking about it. My back legs were like steel springs and I came down solid and square on four legs with almost no shock at all, let alone worrying about losing my balance or twisting an ankle.
Man, I could run through that chilly air all thick and moisty with smells, I could almost fly. It was like last year, when I didn’t have boobs bouncing and yanking in front even when I’m only walking fast.
Just two rows of neat little bumps down the curve of my belly. I sat down and looked.
I tore open garbage bags to find out about the smells in them, but I didn’t eat anything from them. I wasn’t about to chow down on other people’s stale hotdog-ends and pizza crusts and fat and bones scraped off their plates and all mixed in with mashed potatoes and stuff.
When I found places where dogs had stopped and made their mark, I squatted down and pissed there too, right on top, I just wiped them out.
I bounded across that enormous lawn around the Wanscombe place, and walked up the back and over the top of their BMW, leaving big fat pawprints all over it. Nobody saw me, nobody heard me; I was a shadow.
Well, except for the dogs, of course.
There was a lot of barking when I went by, real hysterics, which at first I was really scared. But then I popped out of an alley up on Ridge Road, where the big houses are, right in front of about six dogs that run together. Their owners let them out all night and don’t care if they get hit by a car.
They’d been trotting along with the wind behind them, checking out all the garbage bags set out for pickup the next morning. When they saw me, one of them let out a yelp of surprise, and they all skidded to a stop.
Six of them. I was scared. I growled.
The dogs turned fast, banging into each other in their hurry, a
nd trotted away.
I don’t know what they would have done if they met a real wolf, but I was something special, I guess.
I followed them.
They scattered and ran.
Well, I ran too, and this was a different kind of running. I mean, I stretched, and I raced, and there was this joy. I chased one of them.
Zig, zag, this little terrier-kind of dog tried to cut left and dive under the gate of somebody’s front walk, all without a sound—he was running too hard to yell, and I was happy running quiet.
Just before he could ooze under the gate, I caught up with him and without thinking I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him off his feet and gave him a shake as hard as I could, from side to side.
I felt his neck crack, the sound vibrated through all the bones of my face.
I picked him up in my mouth, and it was like he hardly weighed a thing. I trotted away holding him up off the ground, and under a bush in Baker’s Park I held him down with my paws and I bit into his belly, which was still warm and quivering.
Like I said, I was hungry.
The blood gave me this rush like you wouldn’t believe. I stood there a minute looking around and licking my lips, just sort of panting and tasting the taste because I was stunned by it, it was like eating honey or the best chocolate malt you ever had.
So I put my head down and chomped that little dog, like shoving your face into a pizza and inhaling it. God, I was starved, so I didn’t mind that the meat was tough and rank-tasting after that first wonderful bite. I even licked blood off the ground after, never mind the grit mixed in.
I ate two more dogs that night, one that was tied up on a clothesline in a cruddy yard full of rusted out car-parts down on the South side, and one fat old yellow dog out snuffling around on his own and way too slow. He tasted pretty bad, and by then I was feeling full, so I left a lot.
I trotted around in the park, shoving the swings with my big black wolf nose, and I found the bench where Mr. Granby sits and feeds the pigeons every day, never mind that nobody else wants the dirty birds around crapping on their cars. I took a dump there, right where he sits.
Then I gave the setting moon a goodnight, which came out quavery and wild, Loo-loo-loo! And I loped toward home, springing off the thick pads of my paws and letting my tongue loll out and feeling generally super.
I slipped inside and trotted upstairs, and in my room I stopped to look at myself in the mirror.
As gorgeous as before, and only a few dabs of blood on me, which I took time to lick off. I did get a little worried—I mean, suppose that was it, suppose having killed and eaten what I’d killed in my wolf shape, I was stuck in this shape forever? Like, if you wander into a fairy castle and eat or drink anything, that’s it, you can’t ever leave. Suppose when the morning came I didn’t change back?
Well, there wasn’t much I could do about that one way or the other, and to tell the truth, I felt like I wouldn’t mind; it had been worth it.
When I was nice and clean, including licking off my own bottom which seemed like a perfectly normal and nice thing to do at the time, I jumped up on the bed, curled up, and corked right off. When I woke up with the sun in my eyes, there I was, my own self again.
It was very strange, grabbing breakfast and wearing my old sweatshirt that wallowed all over me so I didn’t stick out so much, while Hilda yawned and shuffled around in her robe and slippers and acted like her and Dad hadn’t been doing it last night, which I knew different.
And plus, it was perfectly clear that she didn’t have a clue about what I had been doing, which gave me a strange feeling.
One of the things about growing up which they’re careful not to tell you is, you start having more things you don’t talk to your parents about. And I had a doozie.
Hilda goes, “What’s the matter, are you off Sugar Pops now? Honestly, Kelsey, I can’t keep up with you! And why can’t you wear something nicer than that old shirt to school? Oh, I get it: disguise, right?”
She sighed and looked at me kind of sad but smiling, her hands on her hips. “Kelsey, Kelsey,” she goes, “if only I’d had half of what you’ve got when I was a girl—I was flat as an ironing board, and it made me so miserable, I can’t tell you.”
She’s still real thin and neat-looking, so what does she know about it? But she meant well, and anyhow, I was feeling so good I didn’t argue.
I didn’t change my shirt, though.
That night I didn’t turn into a wolf. I laid there waiting, but though the moon came up, nothing happened no matter how hard I tried, and after a while I went and looked out the window and realized that the moon wasn’t really full anymore, it was getting smaller.
I wasn’t so much relieved as sorry. I bought a calendar at the school book sale two weeks later, and I checked the full moon nights coming up and waited anxiously to see what would happen.
Meantime, things rolled along as usual. I got a rash of zits on my chin. I would look in the mirror and think about my wolf-face that had beautiful sleek fur instead of zits.
Zits and all I went to Angela Durkin’s party, and next day Billy Linden told everybody that I went in one of the bedrooms at Angela’s and made out with him, which I did not. But since no grown-ups were home and Fat Joey brought grass to the party, most of the kids were stoned and didn’t know who did what or where anyhow.
As a matter of fact, Billy once actually did get a girl in Seven-B high one time out in his parents’ garage, and him and two of his friends did it to her while she was zonked out of her mind, or anyway, they said they did, and she was too embarrassed to say anything one way or the other, and a little while later she changed schools.
How I know about it is the same way everybody else does, which is because Billy was the biggest boaster in the whole school, and you could never tell if he was lying or not.
So I guess it wasn’t so surprising that some people believed what Billy said about me. Gerry-Anne quit talking to me after that. Meantime Hilda got pregnant.
This turned into a huge discussion about how Hilda had been worried about her biological clock so she and Dad had decided to have a kid, and I shouldn’t mind, it would be fun for me and good preparation for being a mother myself later on, when I found some nice guy and got married.
Sure. Great preparation. Like Mary O’Hare in my class, who gets to change her youngest baby sister’s diapers all the time, yick. She jokes about it, but you can tell she really hates it. Now it looked like it was my turn coming up, as usual.
The only thing that made life bearable was my secret.
“You’re laid back today,” Devon Brown said to me in the lunchroom one day after Billy had been ’specially obnoxious, trying to flick rolled-up pieces of bread from his table so they would land on my chest. Devon was sitting with me because he was bad at French, my only good subject, and I was helping him out with some verbs. I guess he wanted to know why I wasn’t upset because of Billy picking on me. He goes, “How come?”
“That’s a secret,” I said, thinking about what Devon would say if he knew a werewolf was helping him with his French: loup. Manger.
He goes, “What secret?” Devon has freckles and is actually kind of cute-looking.
“A secret,” I go, “so I can’t tell you, dummy.”
He looks real superior and he goes, “Well, it can’t be much of a secret because girls can’t keep secrets, everybody knows that.”
Sure, like that kid Sara in Eight-B who it turned out her own father had been molesting her for years, but she never told anybody until some psychologist caught on from some tests we all had to take in seventh grade. Up till then, Sara kept her secret fine.
And I kept mine, marking off the days on the calendar. The only part I didn’t look forward to was having a period again, which last time came right before the change.
When the time came, I got crampy and more zits popped out on my face, but I didn’t have a period.
I changed, though.
The next
morning they were talking in school about a couple of prize miniature schnauzers at the Wanscombes that had been hauled out of their yard by somebody and killed, and almost nothing left of them.
Well, my stomach turned a little when I heard some kids describing what Mr. Wanscombe had found over in Baker’s Park, “the remains,” as people said. I felt a little guilty, too, because Mrs. Wanscombe had really loved those little dogs, which somehow I didn’t think about at all when I was a wolf the night before, trotting around hungry in the moonlight.
I knew those schnauzers personally, so I was sorry, even if they were irritating little mutts that made a lot of noise.
But heck, the Wanscombes shouldn’t have left them out all night in the cold. Anyhow, they were rich; they could buy new ones if they wanted.
Still and all, though—I mean, dogs are just dumb animals. If they’re mean, it’s because they’re wired that way or somebody made them mean, they can’t help it. They can’t just decide to be nice, like a person can. And plus, they don’t taste so great, I think because they put so much junk in commercial dog-foods—anti-worm medicine and ashes and ground-up fish, stuff like that. Ick.
In fact, after the second schnauzer I had felt sort of sick and I didn’t sleep real well that night. So I was not in a great mood to start with; and that was the day that my new brassiere disappeared while I was in gym. Later on I got passed a note telling me where to find it: stapled to the bulletin board outside the Principal’s office, where everybody could see that I was trying a bra with an underwire.
Naturally, it had to be Stacey Buhl that grabbed my bra while I was changing for gym and my back was turned, since she was now hanging out with Billy and his friends.
Billy went around all day making bets at the top of his lungs on how soon I would be wearing a D-cup.
Stacey didn’t matter, she was just a jerk. Billy mattered. He had wrecked me in that school forever, with his nasty mind and his big, fat mouth. I was past crying or fighting and getting punched out. I was boiling, I had had enough crap from him, and I had an idea.
Music of the Night Page 9
