“Ben is that . . .”
“Your song,” Ben answered. “I saved it. I read it all the time.” He smiled. “I heard it on the radio the other day. It’s way cooler now that you’ve got music with the words.”
Ben let in another deep yawn. “Can you sing it for me?” he asked.
Ethan sucked in a little breath. “Like . . . now?” he said. “But I don’t have my guitar.”
Ben shrugged, his eyelids sliding closed. “That’s okay. I sing it all the time without your guitar.”
Ethan knew he didn’t have much time left with his buddy. Once Ben was asleep, Ethan would have to leave to catch his flight home. That would be it and Ethan knew it. He could tell by Ben’s current condition that his time left in this world was slim. So Ethan took hold of the paper from Ben’s hand and ran his fingers over the words. This was the original copy. He still remembered how each individual word had felt entirely inspired.
Ethan opened his mouth and allowed the song to flow. He was never nervous during a performance, truly an experienced professional, but this performance had butterflies swarming in the pit of his stomach. This performance was different. It was special. This was the only thing he could give Ben. And for the first time, he truly understood what Alaina had meant all those months back. The words he was singing meant something. They had the power to make a difference. And right now, all Ethan cared about was finding a way to distract Ben from the pain searing through his tiny little body, and lulling him into a sleep of peace.
So Ethan sang with everything he had in him. And when he was finished, he looked down to find Ben’s eyes completely shut, the grimace wiped clean from his face. Ethan sighed and leaned back in the recliner. He sat for a while, griping Ben’s little hand in his, and doing the only thing he knew to do.
Pray.
He prayed for God to take care of Ben. To lighten his pain. To give him strength. He prayed that Ben’s heavenly mansion would be stocked with all the Popsicles he could ever eat. And when Ethan was finally finished, he wiped his tear stained cheeks and rose from the recliner.
After peeking down both sides of the hall, he found no sign of Ted or Granny Mae. Deciding to go see if they were still hanging out in the Starbucks, he headed toward the end of the hallway where the elevators were. Ethan was lost in thought, reflecting on his time with Ben, as he neared the end of the hall, but when the elevator dinged open, the sound of a familiar voice blasted his mind back to reality. Could it really be?
He did all he knew to do. Three different hallways jutted off of the elevator corridor, and Ethan darted into the nearest one, crouching down behind a medicine cart. He realized it was pathetic, but if just the sound of her voice made his heart race the way it was now, he couldn’t imagine what would happen if he had to speak to her. And he also knew by Ben’s words that Alaina wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.
What was she saying? Something about how good the food had been at wherever she’d just eaten. But who was she talking to? Granny didn’t mention anyone going to eat with her . . .
That’s when Ethan heard another familiar voice. One that was burned into his memory and just the sound of it sent adrenaline pumping through his veins. The voices were past him now, making their way down the other hall back in the direction of Ben’s room. Ethan creped out from behind the medicine cart and walked back to the elevator. He stood there for a moment, his finger frozen on the arrow button. He watched Cam and Alaina stroll down the hall, and just as they reached Ben’s door, Cam’s arm went around Alaina’s shoulders and he pulled her in for a hug. Her head rested gently in his neck.
The same place it had one rested on Ethan.
Ethan thought he might throw up. How could she be with Cam now? Alaina hated Cam! How could she have given into that loser? And better yet, how could she have gotten mad at Ethan for drinking and then forgiven Cam for the way he’d acted that night on the beach!
Because he never lied to her.
Ethan shook the words from his mind and pulled his finger away from the elevator button. He felt his foot pull out in front of him, about to take a step down the hall toward Alaina. So many things raced through his mind at once. How could she have picked Cam over him? What did Cam possibly have to offer Alaina? Ethan could give her everything. Could be her everything. He was Ethan Carter for crying out loud!
Suddenly, Ted’s words floated into his mind . . . popping back into his memory at just the right moment like they always did.
“Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.”
If Ethan were to stomp down that hall and throw a little tantrum, shoving his popularity and his money in Cam’s face, it would most definitely be to his downfall. The downfall of any hope of a future with Alaina and the downfall of his testimony. Ethan was not the same guy he once was. He was a new creation in Christ and he would not take the path of his old ways. He would take the new path. The right path.
He would be humble. And it was at that moment that Ethan figured out what he could do to truly shine without being seen. What he could do to not only help Alaina because he loved her, but to also give Ben what he really wanted.
But he would not do it for show. He would do it for Jesus. He knew it sounded crazy, but he knew that Jesus had sacrificed his own life in payment for Ethan’s mistakes. It was the least Ethan could do to sacrifice something in return. He didn’t know how much would be left when he was finished, but he didn’t care if it took the last penny he had. It would be worth it.
Feeling God’s approval of his spontaneous decision washing all through him, Ethan glanced back down the hall once more, making certain that he wouldn’t be seen. Then he headed for the nearest nurse’s station. A tall Hispanic nurse with a bright smile greeted him at the counter.
“Can I help you, sir?” she asked.
Ethan grinned, knowing with all his heart that he was finally making a real difference.
“Yes ma’am,” he said. “Can you please tell me where to find the billing department?” Ethan grabbed a post-it note from the counter and jotted down her instructions. When he was finished, he looked back up to the friendly nurse with sparkling eyes.
“And can you tell me if they will take an anonymous payment?
Chapter 29
Ben
Ben blinked, his lashes fluttering like little butterfly wings. The room slowly came into focus and he realized that he was still there. Still in the same hospital room and the same unfamiliar bed that he’d occupied for the past few weeks. It’d only taken Ben a few days there to realize that he wasn’t going home this time. He felt sick all the time now. He was always tired.
He was tired of fighting.
Ben moved his little hand and found his sister’s, which lay limply next to his. Her dark hair cascaded down the edge of the stark white blanket underneath it. She sat in the recliner adjacent to his bed, with her head lying on the edge of the bed. Her hands had been clasped together in front of her face, but had fallen apart as her muscles relaxed. Ben knew that position. She’d fallen asleep praying again.
Ben looked around the room. He and Alaina were alone.
Everything looked different than it used to. The lights were dimmer. The white paint on the wall seemed a dingy shade of gray. It all looked so earthy.
Nothing like Ben’s dreams. Recently, Ben’s dreams were filled with the most beautiful colors he’d ever seen in all his eleven years. He saw himself running in streets of gold, body revived and cancer free. He had no cares, no worries, and no pain. He wasn’t weighed down with the haze of pain killers. His mind was clean and pure. There were no cares and no worries. There was just being.
When Ben had first found out about his illness, he refused to believe it was true. He’d fallen into the rants of a small child who wasn’t getting their way. How could it be possible that he had to stay inside and be bored and feel like junk all the time when his friends got to go outside and play and have a good time? It just wasn’t fair.<
br />
So he’d agreed to the chemo even though it scared him worse than any idea of monsters in his closet. And he just knew it was going to work. And when it didn’t the first time, he tried it again. And then again. By the time Ben figured out that the chemo was not going to make him feel better, he’d already come to terms with his future.
Ben had watched his sister’s faith in God grow more and more as they journeyed together through his sickness. And, like always, he mimicked her every move. When she read her Bible, so did he. When she prayed, so did he. And what was so crazy . . . God talked back to him.
Not out loud, obviously, but in his dreams. When Ben was awake he was cooped up inside due to his diminished immune system. He was bored. He was in pain. He was restless.
But in his dreams . . . Ben was free. He ran the golden streets with smiling angels at his side. He felt the sun warm his skin and the wind whisk around his face. He was happy and content—totally and completely alive in every way.
He was no longer in his world where people hurt, like all of his friends at the cancer treatment center, or where people cried, like all of their families. Where Ben went in his dreams, no one cried because there was absolutely nothing to cry about. He had everything he ever needed.
Even his parents.
The first time he’d seen them, and ran into their arms, he thought he was really gone. When he woke up, he’d cried for their loss all over again. But the next time he slipped into a dream state, there they were again. With their smiles and their hugs and their protection. That’s what God had given to him. A bright life of happiness in his times of darkness.
Ben no longer fought against the force of the pain killers, prying his own eyes open in attempts to stay awake a little longer. He no longer feared falling asleep and not waking back up. God had given him a new world to enter in his sleep. God’s world.
And it was amazing.
In fact, Ben had taken to looking forward to those moments of slumber just so that he could return to his land of freedom. He felt at home there. He no longer looked at his world in the same light. He saw it for what it was. And he no longer feared for what he was leaving behind because it would never ever compare to what he was going to be a part of on the other side. All it’d take was going to sleep one last time and he’d be home.
Ben’s only regret was his unbelievable sister that lay asleep next to him. He loved her more than she’d ever know. They’d grown up just like all other siblings—squabbling and quarrelling about every little thing, driving their parents crazy. He’d done things to make her mad on purpose and she’d tattled on him for things to get him back. They’d had screaming matches, and door slamming, and days when they both said that their lives would’ve been better if the other had never been born. But when it really mattered, Alaina had been there for him. She’d sacrificed everything for him—her friends, her school . . . her life—all for the little brother that annoyed her on purpose. There was no one that compared to Alaina and Ben just wanted her to be happy.
And he knew that would only happen when she could finally let him go.
As Ben’s eyes shifted around the hospital room once more, his gaze fixed on the neatly wrapped package that lay on the tray next to his bed. It was a gift for Alaina. Something to cheer her up after he was gone. It’d been all Ben’s idea and Granny had helped him with it, agreeing to not say anything to Alaina about it. And Ben was proud of his idea.
The only thing Ben regretted about the past few weeks was that he never told Alaina about Ethan’s visit. It seemed that every time he brought up Ethan’s name, Alaina would either get mad or her eyes would get all watery and she’d have to leave the room. Ben thought she was kind of being a sissy about it all, but who was he to say who she could be mad at and who she couldn’t?
But Ben couldn’t help but remember those lazy Fairhope nights when Alaina would get home from work and Ethan would play and sing for all of them as they ate dinner and talked about their days. Ben’s days had consisted of Ethan—a distraction from his reality that showed up at just the right time. He’d had so much fun; learning to play guitar and watching cartoons. Going to the beach and playing board games. And Ethan had made Alaina happy, too. Ben was sure of it. He hadn’t seen his sister that happy since they’d lost their parents. But it was gone away so quickly. Ben understood that Ethan had made some mistakes, but he’d forgiven him. Why couldn’t Alaina?
Ben couldn’t help but think that there was more to it than just her being mad at Ethan for lying. Ben had watched his sister give up everything for him and he suspected that she was just following suit with her relationship with Ethan. Ben knew that until Alaina no longer had to worry about supporting him she would never allow herself to be with anyone that made her happy. Ben could see the guilt that washed through her expression every time she allowed herself to be happy. Alaina felt as though being happy was like rubbing it in Ben’s face that he was the sick one and not her. So instead, she remained in her little bubble of work, and caring for her brother, and shut everything and everyone else out.
Ben felt his eyes falling closed once more. It wouldn’t be long now. He thought of the bright world of life that awaited him and all he wanted to do was to allow his eyelids to shut that one last time and run back into the arms of his parents and the angels. But he couldn’t yet. There was one last thing to do.
Ben’s little fingers found his sisters hand once more and gave it the firmest squeeze his fatigued muscles could manage.
“Sissy?”
Alaina stirred and her head rose from the bed slowly. She sucked in an exhausted breath and swiped across her eyes. “Hey bub, how are you? Do you need me to get you anything?”
Ben shook his head. “Nah, I’m good.”
She offered him a smile. “Well, what do you want to do? Wanna watch some TV? Or I can get the cards out if you’re up for game of Go Fish?”
Ben remained silent for a moment, trying to figure out how to get out all the things he needed to say in the short time he had left. He already felt the darkness creeping in, but he would hold on for his sister. As much as he longed to return to the world on the other side of the darkness, he would hold on long enough to tell his sissy goodbye.
“I’m glad you got to quit your job and spend more time with me.” He gave her as big a smile as he could manage.
Her expression faltered for only a split second, noticing that he hadn’t taken her up on her offer for TV or cards. “Me too,” she said. “I don’t know how our church raised the money to pay off your bill, but however they did it, I will never be able to thank them enough.”
“How do you know the church made that donation?” Ben asked trying to sound innocent. “It was made annononon . . um . . . anoimus . . . uh . . .
“Anonymously,” Alaina said with a laugh. “Yeah it was, but who else could it be, Ben? I mean, that was a big bill. No one person would have that kind of money. Nobody we know anyway.”
Ben couldn’t help but smile this time. He let out a faint giggle. Alaina gave him a suspicious glance.
“Ben, what are you not telling me?”
Ben knew that his sister would get mad if she found out that Ethan had been there to visit and he’d not told her. He also knew that she’d be mad if he told her that it had to be Ethan who paid for his bill because it’d allowed for Alaina to spend these last few weeks with him. Ethan had given Ben his wish just like he’d hoped. He truly was Ethan’s biggest fan.
Ben shrugged a little. “Nothing. You’re right. It was probably the church.”
Alaina didn’t look completely convinced, but seemed to let it go. A comfortable silence passed between them. They’d grown accustomed to those lately. Totally comfortable around one another. They knew one another better than they ever had before. And Alaina could tell that Ben was restless.
“Wow, I bet you’re sick of being cooped up in this little room,” she said. “You want to get up and take a walk down the hall? Or I can go get a chair from the nurse
s’ station and roll you outside for a walk.”
Ben didn’t reply. Instead, he reached forward and handed her the little package from his nightstand. “I want you to have this, sissy.”
Alaina’s breath caught in her throat and a look of understanding washed through her eyes. “Ben, you don’t have to do this now. There’s still . . .” Tears welled in her eyes and she fought to hold them back. “. . . there’s still time. We can do all of this later okay?” Her tone was pleading.
Ben shook his head. “No we can’t. But don’t open it now.” He pointed to the little card taped to the top of the package. Alaina lifted the tab and read his scribbled script allowed.
To the best sister in the world, I love you and this is for you from me.
But you can’t open it now. Thanks for everything,
Your best bubby, Ben
Alaina sniffed and, to her own surprise, stayed strong. Her wet eyes met his and her voice shook as she spoke. “Is it really time?” she asked.
Ben gave a little nod. “I want to go back.”
“To your dream world,” Alaina said. She understood. A day never went by that Ben didn’t give her every single detail about the place that Alaina knew without a doubt he’d be returning to the second his time was over on this earth.
“I’m tired of hurting,” Ben said. His voice was so small. Desperate.
Alaina leaned forward and pulled him into a hug that she never wanted to release him from. How could this be happening? She’d known it was inevitable in the end, but the reality was nothing like anything she’d imagined. It was as if a piece of her soul was literally being ripped away from her. This was her little brother. He was funny and loving and so smart for his age. He never missed anything and he could read her every move like an old worn book. He was a part of her. How could she really let him go?
God, please help! She pleaded. I can’t do this! Please help!
Peacefulness eased into the room and seemed to wrap Alaina and Ben up in its arms. Ben took a deep sigh, a look of contentment in his eyes. It was as though the pain was completely gone. Alaina backed away, her hands grasping his. She could see him leaving her.
Redemption Song Page 25
