by C. A. Harms
This woman knew that she could get to Alec through Caden. She played on his love for him and that was the part of me that said forgive, the part that looked at him as a compassionate man. A man that was willing to love a boy so deeply and true even though there was no real connection. To offer that kind of love, it confirmed just how amazing Alec was. But it all still hurt.
The problem was I didn’t know how to let go of that disappointment, that feeling of betrayal.
I sit in the nursery, holding Sydney while she drinks from a bottle. Another milestone we’ve crossed since her birth. She was healthy and getting stronger everyday weighing in now at four pounds and one ounce.
It’s these times I fear the most, the quiet ones. Where it is only her and I, and I’m forced to face the ugly reality of where my life was. Alec loves me, I have no doubt, but what I hate is when my mind attempts to convince me that he still loves her too.
“How is our little girl today?” I don’t look away from Sydney when Alana, Alec’s mom, steps up behind me. “She looks so good today.”
“She’s eating almost the entire thing now,” I say referring to the tiny bottle I held to her lips.
The nurse pulls a chair up to my side, and together Alana and I share a silent existence simply watching Sydney, the way her lips suckle that nipple and her little nose wiggles from the movements.
“Can I ask you something?” I see her shift at my side, yet I don’t look in her direction. I can’t, because if I do I know I’ll chicken out.
“Of course.”
I take in a slow calming breath before I ask the questions that have been lingering in my mind. “Did he love her?”
“I think at one time he did,” Alana finally says after an extended pause. “But I also know that had it not been for Caden and her deceit they would have ended long before they did.” It’s then that I look over at her. “Alec was to his breaking point with Mandy, things had gotten rough, and he was ready to let go of the little they had left. That was until she told him she was pregnant. He held on for that little boy alone, trying to give him the family he felt he deserved.”
Nervous energy races through me and she must see the alarm on my face.
“Don’t you dare for a second try to place the two of you in the same category, Brynn. Alec loves you, in fact, he worships you and Katelynn to an extreme that I’ve never seen from him before. And right now, he is at a loss, feeling like he’s lost you and his chance at the family he so desperately wants.”
I swallow hard, so hard I swear the sound of it echoes in the quiet space around us.
“He made the wrong choice, and knows that now. Believe me, sweetheart, he has been beating himself up over it for weeks now.”
“I’ve been running over it again and again in my mind, asking why. Was there something missing from the life he had with me? Something I wasn’t giving him, that maybe he could gain from being with them.”
“Absolutely not.” She gives me that same hard stare I’ve seen on both Alec and Aric in the past. “Nothing you did caused this or could have stopped it. It was a choice left only to him, and I honestly believe it was a piece of his past he still hasn’t come to terms with. A part of the healing process led by the fact that Caden was torn from his life so quickly and devastatingly.”
“He made me second guess him,” I confess, “and I’m not sure how to process that. He made me believe that he was ready to move on from his past. Like what we had was enough to move forward. He’s always been so sure of the things he wants, and everything has always been such cut and dry.”
I felt so shaken by the uncertainty. I want the life we had, the one prior to Mandy showing back up in his life, I just wasn’t sure how to get back there.
“Now I just don’t know.”
“When does Sydney get to go home?” Katelynn asks as she continues to hang the freshly laundered baby clothes one by one into the closet.
“They said possibly in a few days,” I tell her as I slip the fitted sheet over the last corner of the baby mattress. “Which is why I thought now is the perfect time to start organizing the room.”
“Do you think you and Alec will be okay?”
Katelynn’s question surprises me and my hand pauses for a split second before I spin around to face her.
“I’m just wondering because though I know the two of you have been putting on a good show, I still sense the distance between you.” She shrugs. “Oh, and the fact that he’s sleeping in one of the spare bedrooms instead of next to you each night is confirmation of that too.”
“I’m working on it, Kate,” I assure her and she wrinkles up her nose in confusion.
“Why are you working on it?” She finally asks. “You didn’t do anything wrong, he did.”
“It’s complicated.”
“What’s complicated about it? He screwed up and now he needs to man up and fix the problem he created.” If only it was that simple. “He needs to put that woman in her place and take care of the life he has here.”
“When did you get so smart?”
“I’ve always been smart, Brynn,” she offers me a wink that reminds me of Aric. “The difference is now I have a family I’m not willing to lose. So he needs to fix it or he’s going wish he did before I decided to put him back on my jerk list.”
“You know I love you, right?” She nods. “And one way or another, we’ll make this right.”
The buzzer rings in the next room and Katelynn looks toward the doorway. “I’ve got it.” She hurries off toward the intercom and I turn back to the task at hand. There was still so many things to organize and put away before Sydney comes home. I want her room to be perfect even she was too little to notice.
“Brynn?” I hear Katelynn enter the room once again.
“Yeah.”
“Ned says there is a woman downstairs looking for Alec.” Ned was our doorman. “He said she has a little boy with her and her name is Mandy.”
My heart sinks, or so it feels as though it does.
Part of me knew I should send her away, but an even bigger part felt as if there were so many things that needed to be said, and this chance would be most likely one of the very few I’d have that opportunity.
I tell Katelynn to keep working on the room and I exit, going for the intercom. My hands shook as I press the button and direct Ned to let the woman up. As I stood my the elevator waiting for its arrival my entire body felt as though it was trembling from the adrenaline coursing through me.
My body jumps in reaction to the sound of the elevator’s arrival and before I can register what I am doing, my feet are moving me in its direction.
When the woman steps off the elevator holding the little boy’s hand I skid to a stop and just stare. She too watches me, and for what felt like a few long minutes neither of us spoke.
“Is Alec here?” She asks, looking around the foyer and over my shoulder toward the living space behind me.
“No, he’s at work.”
“Some things never change,” she says with a smirk, and I say nothing only arch my brow and wait for her to explain. “All he ever did was work when we were together. His business always came before his family.”
“Only you weren’t a family.” My words seem like a verbal slap to her face when she purses her lips and squares her shoulders.
“You don’t know anything about what Alec and I were.”
“I know more than you think I do,” I will not let this woman come into the home I live and make me feel out of place. “What exactly is it you want, Mandy?”
“Well, that is between him and I.”
“And me,” I add, “considering this is our home, and you’ve decide to invite yourself over. So again I’ll ask, what is it you want?”
“Alec agreed to go to the hospital with me for Caden’s pre op visit and for his surgery next week.” I try not to convey the surprise this causes. “I see by the surprise on your face that this is something he didn’t share with you.”
I try to recover
but I’m still floored by the information and she takes the opportunity to stop on me a little more.
“He’d never turn Caden away, he loves him.”
“Caden is not his son,” I finally speak and even I can hear that shakiness in my voice.
“No, but that doesn’t change the fact that they have a bond. One that not even you can break.” Now I was the one that felt like I’d been slapped. “You can try, but then you’ll be the one taking something from him that he loves, and how does that make you any better than me?”
When I say nothing in return she smiles like she’s won.
“Please tell Alec I was here,” she offers a little wave as she leads the little boy back onto the elevator and allows it to close quickly behind her.
Chapter 35
Alec
I came home to a darkened Penthouse and move quietly throughout the area in fear of waking the girls. After I left the office I went to the hospital and spent the evening with Sydney. I still can’t believe how great she’s doing. Eating like a champ, gaining the weight they require, and she was one step away from being here at home with us.
I couldn’t wait for that day. The one where I would come home to my family. We may be rocky now, but I wouldn’t give up until we were whole again. I can still see the disappointment and sadness in Brynn every time I look into her eyes. Or hell, even the eyes of my brother and parents, they all know the extent of my screw up.
Carefully removing my shoes, I place them one by one into the closet, before closing it and walking toward the living room. The one thing I want to do, I know I can’t. I wanna crawl in bed next to Brynn, and hold her close. I wanna feel her snuggle in against my chest like she always did before I screwed shit up. That place was my safe place. The one where everything else seems as if it no longer matters, because I have her.
“Hi,” my body jerks in reaction to Brynn’s voice in the darkness. “Sorry, I was just sitting here thinking and time sorta got away from me.”
I hate the sadness in her voice, the quiet, unsure tone.
“What were you thinking about?” I move around the side of the couch and carefully sit in the empty space beside her. Part of me fears what may actually be on her mind, thoughts of her wanting to end us terrify me.
“That I miss you.” I’m surprised by her words, I never imagined that would be what she was thinking sitting here in the darkness. “I go back and forth with the idea that this was all too much and maybe you weren’t ready for this type of life.” My chest tightens at her words. “I keep thinking that maybe I did something wrong that made you feel as if you had to hide from me. Like I wouldn’t understand.”
She pauses but only for a few seconds. “I’m still so angry with you, that sometimes I worry I may never be able to forgive you.” Brynn takes in a deep breath and looks over at me for the first time since I sat at her side. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. And I know that you love me, I never doubted that.”
“Good, because that has never been the case,” I assure her though I know I don’t have to. Reaching out, I place my hand over the back of the couch and the tips of her hair tickle my hair.
“She came by today, ya know,” she looks away and toward her lap where she twists her hands mindlessly. “She was looking for you apparently because you promised to go to the doctor with them, and a surgery.”
“Mandy was here?” Brynn nods and continues to look down. “I haven’t talked to her since the day you went into the hospital, and those things were something I said before all this.” She only nods, but I can sense she wants to do more. “Brynn, I’m not going.”
“You need to.”
“What?” I slid myself closer to her and place my hand beneath her chin to lift her face up so that I could see her fully. The idea the she was giving up terrified me. “I’m not going anywhere, unless it’s with you, Katelynn or our daughter. They aren’t my responsibility.”
“But you love them.”
“I love him,” I correct her, “but even that love doesn’t outweigh what I feel for you, Katelynn, and now Sydney. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you girls are my priority, and all I want to do is make this right. Its all I can think about Brynn, ways to fix this. My heart feels so empty because I know I drove a wedge between us and I don’t know how to mend us.”
“She thinks that she has some control over you because of the bond you have with him.”
I reach out and wrap my hand around the back of her neck, pulling her in close and resting my forehead to her temple. “You are the only woman that has any amount of control over me.” When she leans back and her eyes lock onto mine I see the glimmering wetness lying there. “I put the doubt in you heart, baby, but I swear to you, never once did the thought of her and I cross my mind. It was never about her not even for a second.”
“I know you want to be there for him,” she whispers. “I won’t keep you away from him.”
“I love you for that, Brynn, but I’m where I wanna be. I’m with the three girls that own my heart. Nothing else matters.” I expect her to continue to argue with me, because it’s what she does but what she chooses instead surprises me.
Tilting her head up, she presses her lips to mine and I accept the kiss I’ve been waiting weeks to receive.
“I love you, Brynn,” I say between kisses. “I’m sorry I—”
She shushes me and presses her lips to mine more firmly.
“Take me to bed,” she finally breaks our kiss, “and just hold me, please.”
I stand and scoop her up as I begin to walk toward our bedroom, suddenly feeling like things were looking up after all the weeks of unsettled feelings. The rest can wait because tonight I just need to feel Brynn wrapped in my arms.
“Welcome home Sydney.” I hold my daughter in my arms while Brynn stands on one side, and Katelynn on the other. “Now you are exactly where you belong.”
Still so very tiny, though two pounds heavier than at birth, our girl was strong and healthy. The weeks that followed her delivery were scary, for more reasons than one. I feared that I lost her before I even got the chance to have her in my life.
Now here we were, as a family.
Brynn and I are working through the distance I’m responsible for. It’s not easy, but I’m determined to get things back to the way they were before. Better even. When I see her get lost in her own mind and begin to let the questions that lay there drown her I just remind her of the love I have for her and our family.
Two days ago I contacted Mandy’s parents, and after a long, much needed talk, I placed both her and Caden on a flight to California. She fought me, because her parents are a bit controlling, they always have been. But at this point she needed someone to take over. I just can’t be that person. I came to close to losing what means the most to me in this world already, and I can’t even again make Brynn question my devotion to her and our girls.
All Caden’s medical records were transferred there as well, and this next week, Caden would begin his treatments. I know I’ll always care for him, and I’ll always keep in touch, only this time I would do it through Mandy’s parents instead of her. It was better this way, because Brynn and her feelings are what comes first. She is the person I see myself spending forever with, and to ensure that happens I need to show her just how committed I am.
I made sure to have Brynn with me when I talked to Mandy, and each time I talked to her parents too. There were no secrets between us, and from this point on there never would be again.
This is the life I want, the life I dream of. My family here with me, sharing laughter and even tears—as long as we were sharing them together I would take them all.
We walk through the penthouse toward Sydney’s room as a family and I take a moment to look around the space that Katelynn and Brynn were so meticulous with. It had to be perfect, and I’ll admit it was.
I still after all the weeks that have passed find it hard to believe that I have a daughter. She is beautiful just like
her mother and the love I felt for her was untouchable. She’s my angel, my peace. Two years ago, or hell, even a year, had someone brought up children to me I would have thought they were crazy to think that I would even go down this route. I’d made a choice long ago that I would never get married, or have children. Not after the devastation I’d gone through with Mandy and Caden, the pain wasn’t worth it.
Yet here I am and I wouldn’t change a thing about my life. I’m so in love with the world I live in now, surrounded by three beautiful girls that love me unconditionally. They each look at me like I hung the moon, and that feeling, is the best fucking feeling I’ve ever felt.
Epilogue
Brynn
“What do you mean you have a present for me,” I ask Alec as he tugs me along toward our bedroom. “It’s Sydney’s birthday, not mine.”
“Yes, I know this,” he looks back over his shoulder as he pulls me in through our open doorway. “But I don’t need a special day to give the woman I love a gift. The way I look at it, is that every day I wake up next to you you’ve given me the greatest gift. This is me repaying you for all the happiness I have in my life now.”
When he says things like that I get this rush of the most intense kind of love. One that makes me dizzy from the effects.
“But I get that same gift waking up next to you.”
“You are much prettier in the mornings than me,” he offers a wink as he directs me to sit down on the end of our bed. “Now stop being so stubborn and sassy and just sit still for a minute.”
He chuckles when I roll my eyes at him. He used to threaten me when I did that by saying that he was going to show me what he can do to me to cause my eyes to really roll back.
When he gathers something out of the closet and begins moving toward me once more I look at both of his hands wondering where this gift he promised is.
Then he does it.
He kneels before me and positions his body between my parted knees.
