Meeting The Unpredictable

by Riann C. Miller

  “I have one on the twenty-first.”

  “Good.” He nods his head. “Well, unless you feel there’s a reason to be seen immediately, then I’m going to hold off on having you transferred, unless that’s something you want.”

  “No,” I quickly reply.

  “I don’t want to be admitted to another hospital.” Especially the cancer center, but I don’t say the last part aloud.

  “Personally, I don’t feel there’s a reason for that, but I wanted to ask.”

  I glance at Jodi to see her chewing on her lip. That’s enough for me to know that our dad has said something.

  “Get some rest, Lennie, and I’ll be around in a few hours to check in on you.”

  “Thank you, doctor,” Tyler says before shaking the man’s hand.

  “Well, I think I’m going to check on Mom. Let her know you’re awake and doing okay.”

  Of course my mother would be here in the hospital but not in my room. She’s probably off somewhere trying to talk my dad off a ledge.

  “I’ll be back,” she says before kissing my hand and walking off. I take a deep breath and chance a look at Tyler. He looks like shit, like he hasn’t slept in days. Who knows, maybe he hasn’t.

  “I’m sorry,” he softly says.

  My eyes dart to his because I’m the one who needs to say those words. “What do you have to be sorry for?”

  Tyler groans. “For the shit that I said the other night. I knew you weren’t off with some other guy, but I also knew you weren’t being honest with me, and that killed me.”

  My eyes painfully close. I take another deep breath and open them. “Tyler, I haven’t been honest with you since I arrived in Dallas.”

  Tyler’s eyes drop to my bed. “I didn’t set out to deceive you, but I’ve known for a long time something wasn’t right. I knew that even when I spilled my guts in Galveston that I was sick, but I chose to keep that to myself.”

  “Why?” His question was quick and sharp.

  “Tyler, I didn’t plan to meet you. I didn’t set out to fall in love, especially when I don’t have a future to offer you.” Tears fill my eyes as I reach over and place my hand on top of his. “What kind of person allows someone to become attached when they have nothing to offer?” A tear seeps out and down my cheek. “I’m worse than Amber because I knew what I had to give you, and I still didn’t leave you alone. I pushed and pushed until your heart was on the line with someone who had nothing to offer you but heartbreak.”

  “Don’t say that. Lennie, you have a lot to offer.” I try my best to smile, but I’m unsuccessful.

  “What exactly do I have to offer you?”

  “Your heart, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.” My breath catches. “I just want you, Lennie. No one is guaranteed a certain amount of time, and I’m willing to accept that. I want you for however long I’m allowed.”

  I smile again, only this time I find it a little easier to do.

  ***

  MY WHITE BLOOD CELL COUNT is normal, which means I dodged a bullet, or the other shoe has yet to drop. I don’t enjoy being sick. I don’t enjoy the attention that comes with it. If I had my choice, I’d never make another doctor’s appointment in my life, but I know that’s almost impossible, just like I know it will be beyond lucky if the only thing wrong with me was a ruptured gallbladder. But in the meantime, I’ll sit here and pray like hell that I’m wrong.

  “Oh, you’re looking good.” I glance toward my hospital room door to find both of my parents. My mom appears to be her typical fake, cheery self, and my dad looks as brooding as ever.

  “Thanks. I feel a lot better.” And I do. The pain I feel from my surgery is only a fraction of what I was feeling before I was admitted.

  “Do you think it was smart refusing to go see Dr. Ross?”

  I huff, “Smart? Since when did you think I was smart?”

  My comment causes my dad’s temper to surface. “Always have to mouth off, don’t you?”

  “James,” my mom says before grabbing his arm.

  “You insisted on being in control of your treatment plan and you couldn’t even make your yearly appointments on time.” My dad storms up to my bed. “Do you take enjoyment in tormenting your mother and me?”

  My eyes start to water, but I refuse to cry. He thinks I’m weak, and I’m not about to prove him right.

  “This isn’t about you. This is about me.” My dad’s chest continues to heave as he stares at me. “Everything I do or don’t do isn’t because of you. I’m not holding a grudge. I’m not trying to punish you, but this is me. I don’t want the same things out of life that you want. I’ll never be Jodi, and I’ll probably end up getting a hundred more tattoos.”

  Dad’s face reddens even more. “Why do you make life harder on yourself?”

  “Why do you make life harder for me?”

  Apparently, I said the wrong thing because my dad goes from angry to livid.

  “Do you have any idea how much of my life has been surrounded by you?” I cast my eyes down to the bed and away from my dad as guilt sets in. “Everything I’ve done in the last fifteen years I’ve had you in mind, and instead of being grateful, you take every opportunity you can to stick it to your mother and me.”

  Without waiting for my reply, he pushes past my mother and storms out of the room.

  “EVERYTHING I’VE DONE IN THE last fifteen years I’ve had you in mind, and instead of being grateful, you take every opportunity you can to stick it to your mother and me.”

  Mr. Jacobs almost knocks into me as he barrels out of Lennie’s hospital room. I stopped outside when I heard him ripping into her. No wonder she hates Dallas. I can honestly say if my mom or dad was always on my case, I wouldn’t want to live in the same zip code as them, either.

  “Watch it,” Mr. Jacobs sneers as he walks past me. Instead of walking into Lennie’s room, I follow him down the hall. He turns into a small waiting room and takes a seat as I walk in seconds behind him.

  “Kid, I’m not in the mood. I suggest you get out of here.”

  “This normally works for you, doesn’t it?” His eyes narrow but he doesn’t say anything. “You say jump and everyone is supposed to say how high. I’m going out on a limb by guessing that Lennie is the only person in your life that doesn’t play by those rules.”

  “Lennie isn’t any of your business.”

  I give him a sarcastic laugh. “Really? Because if I have my way, I’m going to marry your daughter one day. One day hopefully soon.” I’ve caught his attention. Mr. Jacobs tilts his head and starts to really take me in.

  “There are a lot of things about Lennie that drive me crazy, but at the same time, those things make her the person she is, and that’s who I love. You either need to accept her exactly the way she is or leave her the hell alone.”

  “You haven’t been around the block yet, kid. Once you’ve put in some serious time with Lennie, come back and talk to me.”

  I take a deep, calming breath. No matter what I think or feel, this man is her father, and I plan to be around a long time.

  “Parents teach their children to respect them, but at a certain point in life, a parent needs to learn to respect their children. Is this really about Lennie or the fact that you no longer have a say in how she takes care of herself?”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Really?” I shout. “So you didn’t put your daughter through one worthless treatment after another when her own sister had the power to heal her?”

  Mr. Jacobs jumps to his feet. “How dare you.” His face turns an ugly shade of red.

  “Lennie was my baby girl. She would crawl onto my lap every night and make me feel like I could hang the moon. When she got sick, it destroyed me.” His breath catches with his last comment. “I was told there was less than a ten percent chance of the bone marrow saving Lennie, but a big possibility that Jodi could suffer lifelong problems if she donated. I refused to lose both of my girls.”
/>   “But the risk of being put under—”

  “Jodi almost died when she had her tonsils removed. Her heart actually stopped. Her reaction is extremely rare and very serious.” My heart starts to ache listening to him.

  “Neither Connie nor I were a match. It was like God was playing an evil trick. The only person who had the power to help her was the only one who could die doing it. And when I was told the odds were ninety percent that it wouldn’t work, I made a decision. One that killed me and one that has haunted me every day since.”

  I don’t envy anyone in this situation. Everything seemed black and white when Lennie told me what happened, but now listening to Mr. Jacobs, I’m unsure what I would have done if they were my daughters

  “I don’t want to speak for Lennie, but I think it was everything that came afterward that she holds on to. She missed out on a lot of years of being a normal kid.” Mr. Jacobs’ face softens slightly. “I love your daughter, Mr. Jacobs, and I hope for Lennie’s sake and yours that you two can rebuild the bond you once had. But I’m telling you, even in the short time I’ve known your daughter, I’ve learned she doesn’t react well when she’s backed into a corner. She’s Lennie, take her or leave her, and I’m begging you to take her the way she is because she misses the relationship you two once shared.”

  I don’t wait to see his reaction. Instead, I turn on my heel and walk out of the room.

  ***

  “HOW ARE YOU FEELING?” I walk up to the side of Lennie’s bed and kiss the palm of her hand.

  “Better.” She gives me a small smile.

  “I have to admit, I was expecting you to be a little happier. A huge weight has been lifted.”

  Lennie’s eyes dart away from mine.

  “Hey.” She quickly looks back at me. “Have you been told something I don’t know?”

  “No.”

  My chest instantly relaxes. “Good. You freaked me out there for a second.”

  Lennie sighs and looks away again. “Who’s to say what’s really going on? All of my tests haven’t come back yet.”

  “But you’re not showing any signs of leukemia.”

  Lennie huffs and pulls her hand away. “That doesn’t mean I’m okay. They’re going to find something.”

  “Lennie,” I softly say, waiting for her to look at me. “You’ve been waiting for years for the other shoe to drop, but maybe it’s not going to.” I squeeze her hand. “What happened to the free-spirited woman who knocked on my door? She didn’t care if she had one day or one year left. She was just living life to the fullest.”

  “I was living in denial, Tyler. I pretended it didn’t matter what happened to me because no one would care either way, but I was just lying to myself. Now I’ve involved you in my mess.”

  “Hey. I’m here because there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” When our eyes lock, I can see the fear in hers. “We’ll be fine as long as we’re together.”

  I have no idea if I’m getting through to her, but hopefully when she sees that I’m serious, she’ll finally let me past this last wall she appears to still have in place.

  “KNOCK KNOCK,” DR. KNOTT SAYS as he walks into my hospital room. “How are you feeling today, Lennie?”

  “Good.” He nods his head and looks around at my mom, Jodi and Tyler. “I have the results of the test I ran. Would you rather talk in private?”

  “Yes,” I quickly answer.

  “Lennie,” both Tyler and Jodi say at the same time. I have no idea what this doctor plans to tell me, but I know I’m not about to have anyone tell me what I need to do, and that now includes Tyler.

  “If you’ll excuse us,” Dr. Knott says, but I refuse to look at them.

  Jodi sighs and follows my mom out of the room. Tyler, however, takes his time walking to the door. I know he’s waiting for me to tell him he can stay, but I’m not going to.

  Once Tyler finally walks out the door, Dr. Knott shuts it and walks back over to my bed.

  “Lennie, the news I have really isn’t bad, but it is personal, and I wasn’t sure who you wanted to share your situation with.”

  “Okay,” I softly say, waiting for whatever he needs to tell me.

  “I called Dr. Ross and spoke with him in addition to having your records faxed over. You went through your first round of chemo before you were eleven, therefore it shouldn’t be news to know that you have fertility issues.”

  “Yes. I’m aware.”

  “Lennie, I have no idea how much Dr. Ross stressed how important your yearly checkups are. They do a lot more than check your white cell count.”

  I demanded to be the one in charge of my healthcare once I turned eighteen. I’ve even gone as far as threatening to sue Dr. Ross if he so much as breathes my name in my father’s direction, but that doesn’t mean I pay much if any attention when I’m at my appointments. I loathe being in his office, and I dread anything he has to say. The second I hear my cancer is still in remission, I’m gone.

  “I don’t necessarily listen to everything he has to say.”

  “Lennie, it’s important that you control your hormones. Your body didn’t get the chance to go through puberty before it was already attempting to go through menopause.”

  “Just tell me what’s wrong.”

  “Outside of your hormones, nothing that I can tell.”

  “But I’ve been sick.”

  “Of course you have. You’re only twenty-five and your body is attempting to go through menopause, and menopause at any age is hard on a woman, but for cancer survivors, the symptoms are usually much worse. Nausea, hot flashes, hormone drops. You can be fine one minute and feel like you’re ready to die the next.”

  “What should I do?”

  “You need to see a specialist. You need to have your hormone levels checked on a regular basis, but I’d be prepared for them to tell you that you might need a hysterectomy.”

  I blow out a long breath. Being told you more than likely won’t be able to have kids feels completely different from being told you need a hysterectomy at twenty-five.

  “The good news is, overall, it appears you’re healthy.”

  “Are you sure? When did you run these test? What all did you test for?”

  Dr. Knott smiles and pats my hand. “Lennie, I can’t promise you’ll live forever, but I can say without a doubt that in my opinion you have many wonderful years left. Take care of your body, keep up with your exams, but stop thinking you’re going to die at any minute.”

  My eyes instantly water because what Dr. Knott said couldn’t have been truer.

  “Thank you,” I mutter.

  “I’m going to send everything over to Dr. Ross. He’s still expecting to see you at your appointment next week. I’m also going to refer you to a couple of endocrinologists in Dallas. With the right medications, you should be back on your feet and feeling great in just a matter of time.”

  “Thanks. I really mean that.”

  “I’m happy to help. If your pain is under control, then I’m going to sign off on your release. You’ll want to stay with someone for the next week. No heavy lifting, and I don’t want you on your feet for long periods of time.”

  “That won’t be a problem.”

  “Good. Should I inform your family that they can come back in?” I nod my head. I almost wish I had let them stay so I’m not forced to repeat everything Dr. Knott’s said, but I was expecting his news to be worse. Much worse.

  ***

  JODI SLOWLY MAKES HER WAY back into my room. Her lips are set in a hard line and her eyes look harsh. She’s pissed and I understand why.

  “I’m fine,” I say, hoping to break the tension. “Well, not perfect, but I’m not sick.”

  Jodi nods her head and makes her way to the chair next to my bed. “We already knew you weren’t sick, so why did you kick us out?”

  I groan. “Jodi, I don’t remember what life was like before I got sick. I grew up being poked with a needle every time I turned around.” Jodi casts me a meaningful
look. “All I ever wanted was someone to listen to me, the person who was actually going through the treatment. When I became a legal adult, I decided no one—including you—would ever have a say in my health again.”

  “But—”

  “No,” I cut her off. “If this doctor had told me I was going to die or have to undergo the shit I did when I was younger, then I would have picked death, and no matter what you say, you would have tried to talk me out of it.”

  Jodi’s eye drift shut for a moment. When she opens them, she nods her head. “You’re right. You’re my baby sister. I don’t care how old you are, I’ll always want to look out for you.”

  I reach out and tug on her hand. “Thank you. I couldn’t have had a better sister than you.”

  A teasing smile plays on her face. “I know.” We both break out laughing.

  “Where’s Tyler?”

  “I don’t know. He was pretty upset that you wouldn’t let him stay with you.”

  I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I know, but he would have reacted the same way you would have.”

  “You know Tyler is looking at this situation with a fresh set of eyes. Don’t lump him into the same boat as us until he gives you a reason to.”

  Jodi is right. I need to give Tyler a break and stop punishing him for mistakes he didn’t make.

  A nurse walks into the room.

  “The doctor would like you to walk around some and test out your pain level before he releases you.”

  “Great. I know just where I want to go.”

  I SAW LENNIE WITHDRAW FROM everyone in the room when the doctor came in. I was so fucking pissed that she kicked me out that my hands were trembling with anger.

  There is nothing, and I do mean nothing, I wouldn’t do for her, but she continues to keep a wall firmly in place where I’m concerned.

  I repeatedly told myself to go home, leave her alone, or at the very least give her some time to think about where if at all I fit into her life.

  But I couldn’t. I’m not only in love, I’m addicted to Lennie Jacobs, and the idea of leaving this hospital without her causes my head to spin.