by Summer Devon
He needed her. Needed?!
As Janey, his darling, necessary Janey, would say, Oh my good gosh.
She opened the door and her fearful, pinched expression melted into a broad smile.
“Why the hell don’t you use Mickey’s peephole?” he snarled.
“I keep forgetting about it.”
She stepped to him and wrapped her arms around him. Not sex, just a sweet hello. He revised everything he’d ever thought about greeting people with hugs. He cherished hugs. She didn’t seem to resent the fact that he’d banged on her door at two thirty a.m. Just showed joy.
The icy anger melted as if she were the sun. But it was replaced by a hopelessness and dread that he’d never in his life encountered.
Ah dammit! Damn Bea and her damn insights.
“I am so glad to see you,” she murmured into his tee-shirt.
He unwrapped her arms from his neck and lightly held her wrists as if his fingers were handcuffs. He took a step back from her.
“Who was he?” He did manage to stop himself from adding, I’m going to kill him.
“What?”
“Come on, Janey. There was a man here before. Cynthia told me. A guy. Who was he?”
She blinked. “I left a message on your machine. I thought you knew. And that’s why you came over. It was Zack.”
“God, oh Janey. I forgot to forward the house calls again. There were one hundred fifty messages. I just ignored them. Zack? Zack?” He groaned and yanked her back into his arms.
“No, wait a sec. If you didn’t know then why are you here? I mean. Hey, no wait. I think I get it now. You thought I was cheating?”
She wiggled, trying to get away from him. “Toph, you turkey. I told you I won’t cheat.”
She put her hands on his chest to shove him, and he let her go. Adorable and bedraggled, her face rosy from sleep, she stared at him for a moment, shook her head and grumbled, “You turkey,” again.
“Tea,” she muttered and shuffled to the tiny kitchen. Every nerve focused on her as he listened to the clunk of the teapot and slush of water as she filled it. He followed and slumped his shoulder against the wall between the kitchen and living areas. She turned from the stove and regarded him glumly. “I don’t know what you think I am.”
“Mine. You are mine.” If he’d turned into a caveman, she might as well see the worst of it.
She rubbed the top of her head, making her soft dandelion fluff of hair even more of a halo. Her grim expression slowly faded. Then she grinned. He wondered how she’d feel if he barged into the kitchen, threw her over his shoulder and hauled her into the bedroom. He was ready, dammit.
She snickered. “You were jealous. Is that what this is about?”
“No. Nope. I was upset.”
“You were jealous. Toph ‘Cool Man’ Dunham was jealous. I never would have imagined.” She twisted back to the cupboard, the extremely wide, goofy grin still plastered on her face as she pulled down two mugs.
The flush of unfamiliar angry emotion that had filled him drained all at once. Good God, he currently operated like some malfunctioning toilet. Exhausted, he shambled back to the living area and flopped down on the overstuffed brown chair.
And allowed delighted relief to fill him.
Yeah, so, Bea was right. But he could handle this love business. Janey was so completely perfect. He’d just have to put up with the weird vulnerability crud.
They drank tea, but not for long.
After a few minutes, she put her cup down and got to her feet. He bounded out of the chair at once. “I don’t want to leave,” he told her.
She held out her hand and he took it, clasping her chilly small fingers. He raised her hand, cupped it in his and blew softly on her fingers to warm her.
Her eyes went heavy-lidded and dreamy. She gave a quiet moan and he knew that she was aroused. His Janey might have cold hands but her core was hot as a volcano.
He tugged her down the hall to her room. “Slow down,” she whispered.
Toph stopped, gathered her into his arms. “I keep trying to, but you’re too much for me,” he growled in her hair.
She laughed as she pulled him into her room. She stripped off her clothes hesitantly without looking at him. He knew women and their insecurities.
“You are the sexiest, most gorgeous woman I have ever seen.”
“Oh, come on, Toph, you don’t need to lie—”
He grabbed her by the hips, pulling her hard against him so she could feel how entirely aroused he was. “For fuck’s sake, Janey. I am not lying. I’ve never been more truthful in my life.” He felt on the edge of fierce tears, for god’s sake, but he couldn’t say more.
He couldn’t say the big three words yet. They might rip him apart because the intensity was too new to him. But he’d try with each caress, every touch, to show her. He’d get his mouth around those words eventually.
He pulled off his clothes as fast as he could, practically tripping over his shoes, which he’d forgotten to take off first.
Naked, he sat on the edge of the bed. She reached for the light and, before she touched it, he hauled her onto his lap, gasping as all that softness touched his skin.
“Leave the light on. I need to see you.”
She grinned at him, but he wasn’t kidding. He kissed her lightly, determined to make the foreplay heat up slowly. Dammit, he could do this right. He’d take his time, not touch her erotic bits immediately. A foot rub, or a back rub.
But within minutes she’d gotten him so hot and bothered he’d forgotten his good intentions. He had her stretched out next to him and he was plunging his fingers into her body, wrapped in her and her quiet cries of pleasure.
The foreplay would have to be postplay. He needed more. He needed to stake his claim. Literally.
He climbed between her legs and moaned as he thrust deep into her.
“Shh,” she warned. “Rachel.”
“Right.”
But he groaned when she shifted, pushing up to him. She put her hand over his mouth then gave a loud gasp of her own as he licked her palm. They tried to stay quiet but when he moved in her, she lifted her legs. He went deeper. She tightened around him. “Yes. Like that.” She gave a quiet howl as he pushed faster.
He slowed his rocking, cupped her scalp, and half laughing, reminded her, “Shh.”
She whimpered and writhed and bit his shoulder lightly. God. Too good.
So much for quiet and careful. He kissed her and pushed and pushed into her until she shuddered around him and he let go, calling her name.
Toph planned to sneak away before Rachel woke up. He set his watch to beep at five, but a sudden cry next to him woke him at four thirty.
“Toph. I’m bleeding.”
Chapter Twenty
He stood outside the bathroom. “We’re going to the emergency room, Janey. Now.”
“No,” she said in a flat voice. “No point. I’m sure I’m not in danger. It’s early in the pregnancy.”
She came out wearing a loose, dark dress that made her look even smaller and pale as chalk. “You might as well go to work.”
“Forget work. We’re going to the doctor.”
She walked past him into the bedroom. “There’s no point in you staying here. I’ll go to the walk-in health clinic. It opens at nine.”
“Let me take you to a real doctor,” he commanded.
“Not necessary,” she spoke just as firmly. “You should go home. Okay? I will be all right.”
But he wasn’t going to be. A horrible ache blossomed in the pit of his stomach as if the baby had lain there.
And along with that sense of loss was the sick realization that there might no longer be any reason for her to marry him. He stared at her, unable to form words for once.
“Please. Let me? Go with you?” he pleaded at last.
She gave him a smile that didn’t reach her eyes and touched his face, a light finger across his brow. “Yeah. Bring your laptop or work or something becau
se it will take a while.”
“Let me call my doctor and—”
“Too expensive,” she said, brusque again. “I don’t have insurance, remember? And it’s just me, now.”
He understood what she meant, though she didn’t seem able say the words outright. “Hell, you don’t know that yet! The baby might be fine!”
Even as her eyes filled with tears, her face went entirely blank.
A tear trickled down her cheek, but before he could touch her to brush it away, she’d moved off. “I’ll make coffee,” she whispered and padded to the kitchen.
He hated the way she turned away from him, body and heart.
Helpless. He hated that word. After taking a few deep, slow breaths, he followed her.
She hadn’t made it to the kitchen. She curled on the couch, hugging a pillow.
“Janey. Does it hurt?”
She shook her head.
“Let me take you to the doctor.” Raw emotion cracked his voice. Deep breathing wouldn’t touch this one. “Let me pay. After all, it’s my fault that you’re—”
She shook her head. “No. The clinic isn’t so bad. And I don’t want your money.”
And even in his grief, he recalled one of the reasons he cared so much about the woman. She didn’t want his damn money. Pride, fear—he didn’t care about the reasons she refused his money. It was enough that she, unlike the rest of the world, did not regard him as a six-foot-two, brown-haired, walking checkbook. Even he had gotten used to thinking of himself as a resource for his friends and acquaintances. That’s the way his world ran. Except with Janey.
Janey shrugged off her strange flat effect long enough to reassure the worried Rachel. She even managed to sound calm, rather than dead. “I’ll call the school and let you know everything’s fine as soon as we get back. But you know it’ll take forever.”
Rachel put her cereal bowl in the sink and pulled on her purple backpack. “Yeah, I might even be home from school before you get back. It’s probably okay, you know.”
Since that’s the story Janey had told in order to convince her to go to school, neither Janey nor Toph bothered to answer.
She gave Janey a hug and trudged out the door to the bus stop.
After she left, Janey sighed and seemed to collapse back into herself, a deflating balloon.
“I’m driving,” Toph stated.
She nodded, but didn’t look at him.
He fought the almost overwhelming urge to shake her and shout into her stupidly brave, sweet face. Let me take you to a good doctor. Let me take care of you.
No point in getting pushy. He knew he couldn’t force her to agree. And bellowing was not the way to go if he wanted Janey to stay with him. Oh damn, not when the one hold he had on her might be slipping away.
How else could he keep her? She was strong enough to survive without his strength. And she didn’t want his stinking money. Not even to save their baby.
The first woman he’d ever loved might be about to say good bye to him.
Janey wished she’d brought a book so she could stare unseeing at a bunch of words on a page instead of staring blankly at the clinic’s waiting room walls. They sat on uncomfortable, hard plastic chairs in a flesh-colored room that would have made even Jeno the taste-free interior designer wince.
Janey was used to the clinic, but Toph frowned at the signs. “Cash Only. No personal checks.” “Thursday Needle Exchange Program Canceled until Further Notice.”
On the drive over she noticed that she didn’t feel crowded by his presence as she’d expected. Warm gratitude filled her as he sat next to her in the car and in the waiting room. Maybe she should have let him take her somewhere else. But she knew this place and if she was heading back to her old life, she should start as soon as possible.
After they settled to wait, he briefly leaned against her arm, picked up her hand and watched her. The touch of his thigh against hers was wonderfully reassuring and reminded her of their time with Zack.
Only somehow his touch was different, and the way he watched her held a new tentativeness she didn’t quite recognize. In the midst of her misery, she was touched by a stir of anticipation. He wasn’t there just to protect her. What next?
Toph folded her hand in both of his and rested his forehead on their enwrapped hands as if he consoled himself.
Bingo.
The gesture of helplessness and need for comfort gave her an answer she’d been looking for. She knew what had changed in Toph. He was right in there with her. Not an aloof bystander or superhero guardian.
The fear and the pain were lodged in him too and he wanted her touch to help.
No man had ever been in the ring with her before, fighting alongside her. A quiver ran through her and she grew even more stirred than she did during the fabulous sex they shared. Well, okay, maybe just stirred in a different manner.
He looked over at her, and she saw his worried face was pale except the dark stubble on his chin and cheeks. He needed a shave. For the first time she noticed his clothes and hair were rumpled, and circles had formed under his eyes. He looked…vulnerable.
Janey’s heart hiccupped at this sight of Toph, and she plunged right on into full-blown love for the first time in her life. Jumping into that lake, allowing it to surround and control her, was more wonderful and less agonizing than her weeks of standing at the edge, pacing and imagining the worst. Come on in, the water is exhilarating.
“So,” he spoke in a low voice. “What does it mean?”
She swallowed hard to clear away the lump in her throat formed by the unexpected, overwhelming surge of love. “What does what mean?”
“Does it mean the end?”
She shrugged, helpless. “I don’t know. I’m not bleeding a lot.”
“But if it is, um, gone. Are we finished?”
Oh. Despite the fact that Toph was uncharacteristically inarticulate and indirect, she understood. He was inviting her to take back her life. No more too-huge house in the stultifying ’burbs, no more being launched into the whirl of a life out of her control. And maybe if she ended up back in her own world, she’d feel she could borrow money from him to start the business she’d planned for years.
The sanctuary of her old peaceful existence, the life she’d carefully built up—for a half second, it beckoned. But for the rest of that second and the seconds after, the thought came crashing in—good gosh, what a stale, dead-end of a life if Toph wasn’t there to laugh with.
“That depends,” she said at last.
“On what?”
“Well.” It was her turn to search for words she didn’t know. “Ah. It just depends.”
“On what? It depends on what? Janey, tell me.” He spoke louder now.
The woman next to them, a large lady with a fake leopard coat and five shopping bags gathered at her feet, turned to glare at them and mutter under her breath. Toph didn’t seem to notice. He stared at Janey with fierce concentration. She could see him drawing hard, deep breaths.
She turned her head away from the blazing vision of him, so poignant it hurt her heart, to gather her thoughts. She looked over at him again so she could gauge his reactions. “The thing is, Toph. It’s just that. Well, I mean… What do you think?”
Over his fierce, dark-eyed stare, his brow furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean ‘what do I think?’”
She thought about asking him point blank, do you want to marry me, but he’d made that clear early on. He had no problem with marriage. She was the one who’d been kicking and screaming about it. But now. She was different. And maybe he was too.
“Not so much what do you think,” she said slowly. “More what do you feel. Because. Well. See. I had always thought that when I got married it would be to someone who cared about me. A lot.”
He cleared his throat. “But what about you? Don’t you want to marry someone you have feelings for?”
The light clicked on in her love- and grief-befuddled brain. “Darn it, Toph. You know what�
�s going on, right? We’re babbling because we’re playing chicken. One of us has to keep the hands on the wheel until there’s a big old crash. Okay. I’m brave enough for this. Toph Dunham. I believe that I love you. I’m just about certain I do. Wait. Let me try again. Toph, I love you.”
Right there in the middle of the grungy little waiting room, Toph grabbed her and hauled her onto his lap.
“Oh Janey, Janey. Me too.”
“Bluck, bluck,” she clucked softly in his ear.
In a ringing voice, he thundered, “I love you, Janey Carmody. I want to marry you. I’m dense as a rock because I have only just figured this stuff out. Last night really. But I have loved you for a long time.”
The woman next to them shifted away two seats and shoved several of her bags into the chair between them.
Janey smiled weakly. “You haven’t known me for a long time.”
“I have loved you for a very long time,” he continued firmly as if she hadn’t interrupted. “I fell in love in that damn bathtub. Before that even, when we were in the car with Zack, when you talked about your horrible parents without a hint of anger. Or before that, when you got winged by that bullet. It hurt me to see you hurt. Or before that, while we were putting Zack to sleep.
“No. It was while I watched you eat a muffin that morning we met to talk business. Or maybe the night before, when you turned your pizza inside out.
“Okay, this was when I fell in love: While I watched you sleep in the bleachers wearing those flannel pajamas. My heart hurt for you because I thought you’d spent time in prison.”
Her heart, heavy with grief though it was, swooped right up to her throat. No matter what happened, even if the baby was gone, she would all right. Eventually she’d even be happy. Squirrelly joy ran through her—side by side with the bottomless sorrow about her baby. Their baby. “So what do we do?”
His face was still wan, his eyes shadowed with fatigue, but he was gradually shifting back to the old Toph she knew, confident, calm. He’d even managed to smooth down his wild hair. But she didn’t mind a bit. She loved that Toph as well.
