by Noelle Adams
“Oh God, Russ!” she gasped, arching up and fisting both her hands in his hair. “I’m so close.”
Two of his fingers were inside her. They were thrusting fast and hard, angled exactly right. He tugged on her nipple with his teeth and pressed into her clit with his thumb, and she flew apart, sobbing loudly as she came.
He kept moving his fingers inside her, extending her pleasure, as her hips rode out the pleasure and she made a lot of helpless, embarrassing sounds.
When her body finally relaxed, she realized she was gasping out, “Oh God. Oh Russ.” Over and over again.
He was smiling as he adjusted his position, moving over her so he could kiss her again.
“Don’t look so cocky,” she told him.
“Is that really the word you want to use right now?”
She reached between their bodies until she could grab his erection through his underwear. “It’s exactly the word I want to use.”
“Then maybe we should do something about it?”
“Definitely.” She yanked down his underwear, not gently, and thrilled when she ran her fingers up and down the length of him and heard him moan in response.
“Laura,” he said, closing his eyes and turning his head away.
She frowned. “What are you waiting for?”
“I don’t have a condom.”
She blinked. “Shit. Neither do I.”
He let out a hoarse breath. “We got carried away last night, and we shouldn’t have. I’m not going to do it again.”
She knew he was right. She knew he was being smart, careful, conscientious. She wasn’t on birth control since she hadn’t been in a sexual relationship in years. It was unlikely she’d gotten pregnant last night, just based on the time of the month, but it was certainly possible.
And the last thing they needed to deal with was an unplanned pregnancy.
Russ was right. They couldn’t have intercourse again under those circumstances.
But she still wanted to. And Russ was completely in control.
It bothered her. This change she felt. This distance.
She didn’t know what it was or where it came from.
It hadn’t been there yesterday.
“Okay,” she said, pulling herself together. “Well, then we can do it another way.”
He arched his eyebrows. “What way?”
It was his Russ expression. Ironic. Contained. Distanced.
It was him.
What the hell was wrong with her that she was disappointed to see that expression?
She swallowed and managed to smile. “You got me off with your hand, so I can return the favor. Is that okay?”
He gave a huff. “You think I’m going to say no to that?”
She stroked him for a while, exploring his shaft and his balls. He definitely liked it when she touched him, and she doubted he’d be very picky about her strategy in this particular endeavor.
But she wanted to really please him, so after a few minutes, she said, “Show me what you like.”
Up went the eyebrows again. “Excuse me.”
“Show me what you like. Show me how you do it yourself.”
He stared at her for a moment, and she wondered if he was going to refuse. But then he slowly moved a hand down to his erection, wrapped his fingers around it, and started to pull and squeeze in a fast motion.
She paid attention and also found the whole thing oddly sexy. After a minute, she put a hand on his arm to stop him. Then she pushed him over onto his back and moved over him. She kissed him slowly and slid one hand down to wrap around him.
She kept kissing him as she worked him with one hand with the same rhythm and pressure as he’d used on himself.
She could feel his body tightening, his breath quickening. It was intoxicating, how he was responding to her touch.
She couldn’t focus on the kiss enough to continue, but she nuzzled him as she squeezed and pulled.
She’d raised herself up so she could watch as he got closer to the edge. His face was flushed and strained. His head tossed back and forth on the pillow. And his eyes never left her face.
She couldn’t believe this was Russ, and she was making him feel this way.
“Oh fuck, baby,” he gasped as his hips lifted up from the mattress.
He came onto her belly in a series of spurts.
She wasn’t really a fan of guys coming all over her body, but there wasn’t that much semen because he’d come just a few hours ago.
And this felt oddly intimate.
Special.
They smiled at each other as he caught his breath. Then he pulled her down into a kiss.
She got up to wipe off her belly, but then she came back to bed with him.
He covered them both up and fit her against his side.
She actually dozed off again and didn’t wake up until the sun was shining.
THINGS FELT EVEN MORE different after they got up.
More distanced. More uncomfortable.
Laura didn’t know why, but it was more than worrying her now.
Last night he’d told her it had been ages since he’d had such a good time, but he didn’t mean it the way her high school boyfriend or Tommy’s biological father had meant it.
Russ couldn’t mean it that way.
He’d never treat her that way.
But things didn’t feel right today, and she kept brooding about it.
She’d been anxious and upset yesterday, but she’d felt close to Russ. Closer to him than she’d ever felt to anyone except her family.
Now it felt like he was slipping away, and she didn’t know why.
Except this always happened to her.
Every single time.
Each time she’d hoped that something good was going to happen to her, it would fall apart—the dream of romance proving to be a delusion after all.
She’d thought—hoped—it would be different with Russ. He’d made her believe it would be different.
But he had changed this morning. He wasn’t the same.
She’d been absolutely sure he’d wanted her yesterday, and she wasn’t entirely sure anymore.
They did some snow shoveling in the morning, and then the power came back on. She talked on the phone with Chuck and Ed, who managed the grounds at Holiday Acres, and she got them to promise that the first thing they’d do was get the plows on the trucks and come dig out Candy Cane Cottage so she and Russ could get out of here.
The sun was out this morning, and it was already well above freezing. They would have a lot of melting today.
They’d be able to get out of here.
Go home.
And then... what?
Laura had no idea.
Russ was friendly and funny and ironic. Normal.
He wasn’t like what he’d been yesterday.
Maybe yesterday wasn’t what he’d wanted after all.
She couldn’t stop brooding about it, and she knew Russ would notice it. She tried to tell herself she was making things up, but she knew she wasn’t.
Something was different.
Something was wrong.
Russ would never intentionally hurt her the way other men had, but he wouldn’t have to intend it for it to happen. Maybe he’d been having a good time after all.
She’d taken a shower and gotten dressed in the clothes she’d worn yesterday, and then she’d called Tommy while Russ was showering and dressing.
When he came out of the bathroom, wearing the blue button-down shirt and trousers that had dried overnight, he came over to sit on a stool beside her at the kitchen bar. “How’s Tommy?”
“He’s fine. Ready to get home. At least they had electricity the whole time, so Mae was able to keep him entertained.”
“That’s good.”
“As soon as Chuck and Ed dig us out of here, I’ll go to get him.”
Russ’s eyebrows went up. “I can go with you.”
“No need. Someone needs to head home and make sure t
hings aren’t falling apart at the store.”
“I’m sure things are fine there.” He paused, his amber-brown eyes eyeing her carefully. “So how would you like to handle... us?”
She grew still, her heart beating so erratically it was physically painful. “What... what do you mean?”
“I mean, do you want to tell folks? Do you want to keep it a secret for a while until we know if it’s serious? How would you like to handle it?”
She could barely breathe now. She had no idea why, but it felt like she was living in a movie that had gone slightly blurry. “How would you like to handle it?”
“I think it’s a good idea to take it slow. We can keep it to ourselves for a while. Until we know it’s not just a short-term thing. No need to complicate matters or confuse Tommy.” Russ’s voice was cool and contained. “We can just see what happens.”
He might have been discussing next month’s budget.
And it was like a blow to the gut.
“See what happens?”
He frowned. “Yeah. Isn’t that what we’re doing? Having a good time and seeing what happens.”
Having a good time.
He’d felt so real to her yesterday. So vulnerable. Like he was in this for real, all the way. It was the only way she’d felt safe enough to be vulnerable too.
But she wasn’t okay with this.
She couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who could be this cool about it. Who could just see what happened.
Who just wanted to have a good time with her.
Not with Russ.
Not when it already felt like she’d handed him her heart, and he could squeeze the life out of it if he wanted.
She made a ragged sound in her throat, realizing she was going to be hurt after all.
Realizing Russ had all the control in this.
Realizing she’d already been hurt.
Russ’s brows lowered. “What’s the matter, Laura?”
He’d called her baby yesterday, but yesterday was evidently gone.
It wasn’t coming back.
She tried to take a breath, and it came out as another sob.
Russ reached out in concern. “Laura?”
She jerked away from him. “Don’t. Don’t touch me.”
He stood up, his body suddenly tense, anxious. “Laura, what’s happening here?”
“I can’t do this.”
She’d said it.
She’d actually said it.
She’d ended what she might have had with Russ before it had barely started.
But she’d thought it was one thing, and she’d been wrong.
She was always wrong about romance.
Why would things be different with Russ?
Russ was frozen. She knew he was frozen, although she couldn’t see specifics about his face and body because her eyes had blurred over.
“W-what?”
She had to take a breath before she said the words again. “I can’t do this.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
“I know what you’re saying, but I don’t know what you mean. We worked it out yesterday. We were going slow. I told you we can go as slow as you want.”
“I know.” There was a sob trapped in her throat, and she couldn’t get it out. “But... but I can’t.”
Russ was urgent now. He’d stepped closer to her. He put a hand on her shoulder. “Laura, it’s fine if you’re scared, but don’t close the door on us completely. We can go slow—”
“Stop talking about going slow!”
He blinked. “I know we got carried away last night, but if that was too fast, we can take a step back and—”
He was trying. She knew he was trying. She knew he was upset by what she was saying.
But she also knew he was completely in control when it felt like she was shattering into pieces.
He was capable of going slow. He was capable of just having a good time and waiting to see what happened between them.
He didn’t need everything from her.
He probably didn’t want it.
She already hurt more than she believed she was capable of hurting anymore. If she let this go on any longer, she’d never recover.
She had to think about herself and Tommy. She had to do what was best for them.
And a relationship with Russ that didn’t offer her everything would never be for the best.
“No!” She sucked in another loud breath. “I’m sorry, Russ. I know this isn’t fair. I know it’s wrong to do this to you. But I can’t do this to me. Or Tommy.”
“Tommy? Laura, you know I love Tomm—”
“Please stop, Russ. This is my final answer. I’m closing the door. I can’t do this.” She wasn’t crying, but she was shaking. There was no way she could stop. “I knew it wasn’t right from the beginning. I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday. But it was a mistake, and I’m fixing it now. Please accept it.”
He’d dropped his hand from her shoulder, and he was frozen again. Not moving.
There was no visible expression on his face, but she knew he was upset.
He was so incredibly frozen.
It hurt her to see him hurt, but there was nothing she could do about that.
Anything else would just end up hurting all of them more.
Eight
IT WAS AFTER NOON BEFORE Ed and Russ were able to get to Candy Cane Cottage and plow enough of the driveway for them to get down to the road.
Russ and Laura had already dug out the SUV she’d driven over the previous day, so as soon as Ed had made a strip in the snow with the plow, they got into the SUV and slowly maneuvered down the steep driveway.
The sunshine had helped a lot. The snow was soft and wet, and there hadn’t been a lot of freezing overnight. Russ should have been relieved that they’d gotten out of the cottage so quickly after the amount of snow they’d had.
Russ wasn’t relieved.
He was numb.
There was a certain kind of pain that was too intense for the mind to fully process. He’d seen people go into shock over physical pain like that.
His pain wasn’t physical, but it felt like his mind was going into a similar sort of shock. Closing down. Running on life-support systems alone. Incapable of digging too deeply into what had happened earlier, of registering what it meant or what would happen next.
So Russ was going through the motions, and he was too numb right now to hurt very much.
He’d blown it with Laura.
He wasn’t sure how. He wasn’t sure what he’d done. He’d made some mistakes last night, but he’d recovered this morning. He’d tried to fix it. He’d been so careful.
But he’d managed to blow it anyway.
Laura was scared, and she was running away from him—exactly as he’d been afraid she would do.
If he could make his mind work again, he might be able to figure out something to do to fix things.
Laura was stiff and silent as she inched down the driveway, but it wasn’t nervousness at the condition of the roads that was making her so tense. Her skin was too pale between her freckles. There were shadows under her eyes. Her slender shoulders were tight, and her long fingers clenched around the steering wheel.
There was something fragile about her beneath the protective tension—like a graceful deer poised, its head elevated in the moment before fleeing.
Why the hell was she so scared of him?
There was no way in the world he’d ever hurt her.
He’d almost—almost—had her.
When Laura reached the flat part of the bottom of the driveway, she relaxed only slightly. She peered out onto the road. “Well, it looks bad but basically passable. I’m going to get Tommy.”
“Okay.” He knew he needed to get out of the SUV now and walk over to where he’d left his own SUV on the side of the road. Ed and Chuck were there now, shoveling it out. He needed to go help them.
“Russ.” Laura’s
voice broke on the one word, and he looked over at her with a jerk of his head. She cleared her throat and continued, “I’m sorry.”
She sounded sorry. She sounded like she felt terrible, like something was ripping her up from the inside out.
“I know,” he said, amazed that his voice was so calm, controlled. “And I know we moved too fast, even after you said you wanted to go slow. That was my fault. We can take a step back.”
She made a ragged little noise in her throat. “Russ, I don’t want to take a step back. I told you. It’s not going to work.”
He wasn’t looking at her. He couldn’t look at her. He was barely holding himself together. “I don’t believe that,” he said very softly.
“It doesn’t matter what you believe. This is my decision. We can’t be in a... a... relationship. I don’t... I don’t want you that way.”
He could see her in bed last night and this morning—her face contorted with pleasure. He could feel the way she’d held on to him, the way she’d moved her hands all over his body. He could remember every word they’d ever said to each other.
And it wasn’t true.
It simply wasn’t true.
She did want him that way.
It didn’t matter that he was more than a decade older than her or that she could have any man she wanted. She didn’t want just any man. She wanted him.
She was scared.
He’d let his feelings get out of his control, and he’d moved too fast. She was scared, but it wasn’t hopeless. He would never believe it was hopeless. Not after the way they’d been together last night.
He couldn’t argue with her though.
He couldn’t blurt out that she was the only woman in the world that he’d ever really wanted, that he’d been waiting for her his whole life, that his days had all felt bleak and empty before she’d been a part of them, that he never wanted to wake up in the morning and not see her in bed beside him.
He couldn’t tell her all that when she’d gotten spooked from what had happened last night.
He couldn’t tell her everything even if he wanted to for the first time in his life.
“Russ?” Laura prompted when he’d been silent for too long.
“I’ll see you at the house,” he said hoarsely, reaching for the door latch. “Be careful going into town.”
