by Noelle Adams
She could have been with Russ this week. If she’d made a different decision.
She could have been sharing intimate looks with him, giggling over shared jokes, sneaking off for private time. They would have had to keep the relationship from everyone else because they would have just been taking it day by day. Having a good time. Seeing what happened.
It wouldn’t have been like sharing their lives together, but it would have been fun, exciting.
But she could foresee the end of that the way she had a week ago.
In a couple of weeks, a couple of months, maybe even a year, Russ would have left. He would have had his fun. He hadn’t wanted to commit.
And she would have been left with a crushed heart and a crushed son.
She wasn’t going to do it.
She wasn’t any man’s good time, and she wasn’t going to start now—just because she wanted Russ so much.
It hurt like hell right now, but it was better this way.
She knew it was better.
“Mommy?” Tommy asked after a few minutes of silence.
“What, buddy?”
“Is Uncle Russ sick?”
She stiffened and then forced herself to relax. “No, he’s not sick. Why do you ask that?”
“Because I heard Uncle Kent and Uncle Scott talking yesterday. Uncle Kent said that Uncle Russ looks like dying.”
“What?” Her voice was too shrill, and it took some effort to adjust it, make it softer and milder as she continued, “Are you sure that’s what he said?”
“I think so. Uncle Kent said, ‘Have you seen Russ today?’” Tommy lowered his voice to an exaggerated growl to imitate Kent Matheson. “And Uncle Scott said no, and then Uncle Kent said, ‘He looks like dying.’”
Laura swallowed hard. “Oh. Did he maybe say he looks like death?”
Tommy squirmed and looked up at Laura’s face in the mostly dark room. There was light coming in from the hallway because Tommy had left the door partly open. “Maybe. I can’t remember.”
“That’s probably what he said. He didn’t mean it literally. When people don’t look good, when they’re tired or upset or something, sometimes that’s an expression people use. They say someone looks like death, but it just means they look like they don’t feel good. It doesn’t mean it literally. Uncle Russ isn’t sick, buddy.” She rubbed his back. “He’s not going to die.”
“Oh. That’s good. I don’t want Uncle Russ to die.”
“I know you don’t.”
Tommy cuddled the way he did everything else—enthusiastically and with little regard for anyone else’s comfort. He had a knee poking into her thigh, and one of his hands had caught a strand of her hair, pulling it painfully. But she didn’t move him.
He was young enough to still want to snuggle like this, but she knew he wouldn’t be for long. She wasn’t going to give up on this time with him just because it involved some physical pain.
He was quiet for a while, obviously thinking hard. Then he finally asked, “Is Uncle Russ upset?”
Laura sucked in a quick breath, her mind racing for the best way of dealing with the question. “I don’t think so.”
“Then why does he look like dying.”
“He doesn’t really.”
“He hasn’t... hasn’t wanted to play with me.”
Laura’s hand grew still on her son’s back. “He hasn’t?”
“He plays but he doesn’t have fun. He pretends to have fun.” Tommy sniffed. “I can tell.”
He probably could. Kids were remarkably perceptive. Far more perceptive than most people gave them credit for.
She said slowly, “Sometimes grown-ups are going through things they can’t talk about. They do the best they can. But for a while they might not feel like playing as much as they normally do. He’ll be back to normal soon. I promise. He loves to play with you.”
“His eyes don’t smile.”
“What, buddy?”
“With Uncle Russ, he pretends to be grouchy but his eyes smile. That’s how I know he likes me. But his eyes don’t smile anymore.”
The pressure in Laura’s throat threatened to choke her. She tightened her arms around Tommy in a hard hug. “Oh, sweetie, Uncle Russ still likes you. He still wants to play with you. Just give him a little time. He had something kind of hard happen to him last week, but he’s okay, and it won’t take long for him to get back to normal. I promise it’s not about you.”
“Okay.” Tommy hugged her back. Then he withdrew and asked, “Did you have a hard thing happen too?”
It was almost more than Laura could handle. She’d never been a crier, but tears burned in her eyes as her body shuddered briefly. When she could speak, she said, “Yeah. I did too. But I’m okay. I have you, and tomorrow is Christmas. What more could anyone want?”
“Oh. Will you wear your Christmas dress today?”
Laura smiled poignantly. Tommy had “bought” her a present of a red corduroy dress with a big Christmas tree applique on the front. He’d given it to her yesterday as an early present. Laura suspected it was her sisters who had a hand in helping him get it for her.
They’d probably had a good giggle about it.
“I was going to wear it tomorrow.”
“I want you to wear it today for the party.” Tommy’s voice was earnest.
She kissed his head. “Okay. I’ll wear it today.”
She hoped one day he’d appreciate her gesture of love in wearing that tacky Christmas dress on a day when the public would see her.
They lay together cuddling for a few minutes until Tommy fell asleep.
Laura left him in her bed since he needed a couple more hours of rest. She went to the bathroom and then put on a long, belted sweater over her pajamas and tank top before she went downstairs to her office and made a pot of coffee.
She worked for an hour or so, trying to focus on the tasks that needed to be completed, and she wasn’t prepared when Russ came into the office at seven fifteen.
He was early. He wasn’t supposed to show up until eight.
He was a creature of habit like she was, and he always came into the office at eight.
She gave him a casual smile. “Good morning. You’re early today.”
“Yeah. Good morning.” He didn’t explain the alteration of his normal schedule. Just poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down at his desk.
He was dressed in his normal attire—trousers and a button-down shirt with the collar open. He looked as expensive and handsome as always with his big watch and nice shoes and high forehead and broad shoulders.
But Tommy was right about him. His eyes hadn’t been smiling for the past week. He was as cool and dry as he ever was, but he’d lost that smile in his eyes.
If Tommy could notice it, she certainly could.
He was upset about what had happened between them—about her breaking it off before it had ever really started. She could understand why, and it made her stomach twist to know she’d hurt him, even a little.
She just hadn’t had any other choice.
She forced all the brooding angst out of her mind and made herself sound matter-of-fact as she said, “We got an email from Morgan Penner about their bill. I forwarded it to you.”
“Okay. I’ll take a look at it.”
She hated this. Hated that his voice was so bland, his expression so empty.
To an outsider, his behavior wasn’t any different than it had been before. He was polite and responsive and easy to work with.
But she knew the difference, and it made her ache.
Maybe it was her fault.
But she didn’t think it was all her fault.
He should have known better than to think they could have a sexual relationship and things would remain the same between them.
If she thought about it too much—the fact that she’d told him she didn’t want it, that it would mess things up between them, and he’d still pursued it—she felt a powerful surge of resentment starti
ng to rise. So she didn’t let herself think about it.
She couldn’t get angry with Russ. It wasn’t fair, and it would make everything worse.
She’d always been good about managing things—processes, other people, and herself. She could manage this too.
She worked in silence for another half hour before she gave up. This was ridiculous. She wasn’t getting very much done. Not with Russ sitting like a well-dressed robot at the other desk.
So she closed out her email and stood up. “I’m going to go get dressed and have breakfast.”
“Okay. Sounds good.”
She started walking to the door of the office but paused, looking down at Russ’s bland face, his long fingers on the keyboard.
She felt that surge of resentment again. Damn the man anyway. He was the one who started this. She’d told him everything would fall apart if they did anything.
And look where they were now.
“Is there something you need?” he asked.
The anger rose in a rush, swallowed her up. “Is there something I need?” she choked out.
His eyebrows arched up at her tone.
She clenched her hands at her side. Swallowed hard. Made herself take a deep breath.
She wasn’t going to do it. She wasn’t going to blow up at him.
He might have been the one to start this whole mess, but she’d been the one to end it.
She’d hurt him. She wasn’t going to get angry with him now.
Things would get better soon.
She left the office without another word.
LAURA HAD LUNCH WITH her three sisters, and they teased her about her Christmas dress.
The four of them had always been close, and they’d gotten even closer after their father died and they found out about the way he’d cheated the Mathesons. Rebecca lived half the time now on the other side of the state on the Eastern Shore where her fiancé, Phil, had a fishing business, but she and Phil were planning to spend most winters here, once Rebecca finished cooking school in Richmond.
Phil and Rebecca had just gotten engaged. Scott and Olivia had gotten together the day after the snowstorm, and Kent and Penny had worked things out yesterday and were a couple now.
So all three of her sisters were happy and in love.
Laura was glad for them. Of course she was. But it made her feel even more lonely.
They chatted about their men, and Laura took part as much as she could. It wasn’t the same as it used to be when all four of them had been single, but Laura wasn’t going to be immature and petty about it.
She couldn’t resent the fact that her sisters had each found a man to love. A man who loved them.
She couldn’t resent it just because she hadn’t.
She could have been with Russ right now, but it wouldn’t have been the same.
It would never have been the same.
“Laura?”
She blinked at Olivia’s questioning voice. “What?”
“You dazed out on us. Penny just asked you a question.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.” Laura gave her sister a rueful smile. “What did you ask?”
“I asked what was going on with you.” Penny was shorter and curvier than the rest of them with a pretty, rounded face. “It’s your time to spill.”
“I have nothing to spill.”
“We all know that’s not true,” Rebecca said softly.
“It is true. I have nothing. Nothing is going on.”
“Then tell us what did go on,” Olivia said, as clever and direct as she always was. “The night of the snowstorm.”
“Nothing.”
“Stop telling us lies.” Olivia’s blue eyes were slightly annoyed. “You don’t have to tell us everything. But tell us something. You’ve been all closed up for the past week, and Russ is going around like the walking wounded.”
Laura took a sharp breath. “He is not!”
“Oh yes, he is,” Olivia said.
Rebecca reached out to put a hand on Laura’s arm. She’d always been the gentlest of the four of them. “He really is, Laura. It’s painful to see. Did he... make a move on you? Did you turn him down?”
Laura shook her head. “Not exactly.”
“There’s nothing wrong with turning him down if you really don’t want him,” Olivia said. “But I don’t think that’s the case here. And I bet Rebecca and Penny agree with me.”
Laura glanced around the table and saw her other two sisters nodding in affirmation.
She felt defensive, under attack, but she knew the feeling wasn’t rational. Her sisters were trying to help. She wasn’t going to lash out at them. “It’s more complicated than that.”
“Then tell us what it is,” Penny suggested. “So we’ll know how complicated it really is.”
Laura didn’t reply immediately. She sipped her water. Stirred her salad in her plate. Then she finally began. “Something did happen between us, but it didn’t work out.”
“That’s telling us nothing,” Olivia said.
“I know, but I’m not giving all the details. Russ did want... something. But it’s not something I can do.”
She saw her sisters looking at each other, and their silent conversation bothered her.
“I’m not being unreasonable here. I did give it a try. I can’t just play around and have a good time and see what happens in a relationship. I have Tommy. I have to be careful.”
Her sisters looked at each other again—with different expressions this time.
Then Olivia demanded, “What the hell, Laura? Russ is never going to want to just play around with you.”
“I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. But he wants... I mean, he said... I’m not saying he wants anything unreasonable. He wants a perfectly normal start. But I can’t do that. Not with Tommy. And not with who... who I am. I can’t do that.”
“Oh my God, Laura!” That was Olivia, although Penny and Rebecca’s expression matched her tone. “In what fantasy world are you living? Russ is crazy in love with you, and he has been for at least a couple of years!”
Laura almost choked on her surprise. “He is not!”
“Oh yes, he is!” Penny said.
“He really is,” Rebecca said at the same time, more mildly.
“Damn it, Laura,” Olivia added. “He doesn’t want any sort of perfectly normal start to a relationship. He wants to carry you off on a white steed into the sunset, marry you, and live happily ever after.”
“No, he doesn’t. I’m not stupid. I know what happened between us. And it wasn’t that. It wasn’t anything like that.” She looked around the table, trying to convince her sisters with her earnestness, with the depth of her conviction.
It didn’t work.
They didn’t look at all convinced.
“You all are the ones making things up,” Laura continued. “He didn’t say a word about... He didn’t... In fact, he said all he wanted was...”
A good time.
The words still hurt like the blade of a knife, and Laura would never accept them.
She was a daughter and a sister and a mother and a friend. She was a businesswoman and a coffee drinker and an early riser and an organizer. She was a Holiday. A grown woman. A human being.
She’d never be a man’s good time again.
Penny interrupted her stilted attempt to explain herself. “I’m completely prepared to believe that Russ said he didn’t want anything serious right now. But we’re trying to tell you he didn’t mean what he said. He’s crazy about you, Laura. He wants everything. He’s been an empty shell for the past week, thinking he’s lost you. All of us can see it. Even if you can’t see it yourself, can’t you at least trust us?”
“We love you, Laura,” Rebecca added. “We’d never lead you into something that was just going to hurt you.”
Laura was stunned. Speechless. But suddenly shuddering with a new spark of hope.
“So if the reason you said no to him was because you didn’t think he was
serious enough, then please rethink it,” Olivia said.
“But why would he...”
“Why do men do anything?” Penny asked. “Kent rejected me last week. He said nothing could happen between us when all he wanted was for something to happen.”
“And Scott told me he needed space the morning after we first had sex when he wanted just the opposite.” Olivia was smiling now.
Rebecca put in, “And Phil told me he wanted to just see what happened between us because he was too scared to ask for more. Isn’t it possible that Russ did something similar? We are talking about a Matheson man, after all. And all the Matheson men are a little bit broken.”
Laura’s eyes had widened, and her spine had straightened, and hope had awakened in her heart.
They were right.
All three of Russ’s nephews had had to be dragged into love against all their instincts. Their father had messed them up, and it had taken a lot for them to overcome the baggage.
Russ had baggage too. He didn’t act like he had baggage, but it must be there. He’d been born a Matheson.
And all the Mathesons had amber-brown eyes and deep, damaged hearts.
“So you think...”
“Of course we think,” Olivia said, sounding almost as excited as Laura felt. “He’s head-over-heels in love with you. It’s probably the first time in his life he’s felt that way, and he has no idea what to do with it. But he loves you. You’re crazy about him too. You know you are. Don’t try to pretend you aren’t.”
“I don’t kn—”
“Don’t pretend you don’t want love. The reason you were so set against it is because you always wanted it and it never worked out. It can work out this time, if both of you want it.” Rebecca squeezed her forearm. “And we all know that both of you do.”
Laura took a ragged breath. “So what should I do?”
“Talk to him,” Penny said.
“Talk to him!” Olivia said at the exact same time.
“Yes,” Rebecca added. “The only thing to do is talk to him.”
“Okay.” Laura put down her fork. “I will.”
LAURA WAS SHAKING—ACTUALLY shaking—as she walked downstairs and into her office.
As expected, Russ was there. He often ate lunch at his desk as he worked, and he’d obviously done so today, if the crumpled paper bag and the half-drunk bottle of water was any indication.
