It was like a wall came down. “No, we don’t,” Nicole snapped.
“Fine. You can just listen. I didn’t sleep with him. I never slept with him or had anything close to an inappropriate relationship with him.” Jesse spoke quickly, afraid Nicole might bolt. “We used to talk, nothing more. He listened and I had a lot to say. One night…” She drew in a breath.
“That night I was upset. I’d found an engagement ring while I was helping Matt unpack. I knew he was going to propose. I loved him so much, but I was terrified, too. Terrified of blowing it. I’d never had a real relationship before. Could I have one with Matt? I wanted to, but I’d always managed to mess up everything good in my life. I didn’t want to screw up with him.”
Nicole started to stand. Jesse put her hand on her arm.
“You have to listen.”
“I don’t want to hear this.”
“I need to tell you.”
Nicole sank back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest. “Go on.”
“I was crying,” Jesse said, thinking that not talking about this was so much easier. She hated the feelings that rushed up in her, the sense of being swept back into the past. “He sat on the bed and told me I couldn’t change who I was. I would never settle for one guy. Girls like me didn’t settle down.”
She swallowed against the tightness in her throat. “I was stunned. Was he right? Was I going to hurt Matt? Worse, maybe I didn’t deserve him.”
She closed her eyes. Shame filled her. Shame that someone would think she was worth so little. “Drew kissed me. He kissed me and I let him because I’d always used guys to make myself feel better. Why should this be different? Then he pulled off my T-shirt and touched my bare skin and I lost it. I knew I didn’t want anyone but Matt. That I had changed. I started to push him away.”
There was more. There was how sick she’d felt inside. How she’d thought she was going to throw up. There was her terror that Nicole would hear them and come in, which was what had happened anyway. There was the rapid pounding of her heart and the knowledge that the very last piece of innocence buried deep inside had been shattered.
“That’s when you came in,” she whispered. “Drew jumped up and shouted that I’d been coming on to him. I knew you were going to believe him.”
She opened her eyes. Nicole stared at her, but she couldn’t read her expression. Did her sister believe her? Did she still hate her?
There was so much more she wanted to explain. She wanted to say that it had hurt so much to have Nicole turn her back on her. It had hurt to be shut out of her only family.
“I didn’t sleep with him,” Jesse repeated. “Nothing happened and not because we were interrupted.”
“I want to believe you,” Nicole told her. “For a lot of reasons.”
Jesse’s chest tightened. “But you don’t.”
“I’m not sure.”
Why was she even surprised? “I can’t give you proof.” She wasn’t sure what Drew had said about that night. “Sometimes you just have to have faith. I screwed up a lot when I was growing up, Nicole. I know that. But I never did anything to deliberately hurt you.”
Nicole looked at her without speaking.
Jesse had tried and she would keep trying, but right now she was just plain tired.
“I’ll be at the bakery on Monday morning,” she said as she stood. “You know how to get in touch with me if you need anything before then.”
Nicole nodded.
Jesse walked out without looking back.
She’d come home with high hopes and a lot of dreams. So far none of them had come true, but she wasn’t giving up. She’d come a long way already. She was going to keep moving forward until everything worked out. The past five years had taught her to be strong and to dig deep for what was needed. She wasn’t afraid of hard work or challenges. She was a survivor.
JESSE’S CELL PHONE RANG a little after three that afternoon. The number displayed was unfamiliar.
“Hello?”
“It’s Matt.”
Funny how, despite everything, her body still reacted to the sound of his voice.
“Hi.”
“You’re probably wondering why I’m calling,” he said.
“I’m sure it’s to yell at me about something.”
There was a pause, then he surprised her by chuckling. “Okay, I earned that. Maybe I’m calling to say I’m sorry. That our meeting yesterday was too much, too soon. Maybe I have regrets.”
Was she going to get that lucky? “When will you know for sure?” she asked.
“By tonight. I could tell you all about it over dinner.”
“You could.”
“Is that a yes?” he asked.
Was it? Did she want to see Matt again?
She was feeling raw from their last encounter-hurt and confused and a little sad about the changes she saw in him. But he was also Gabe’s father, so she had to reestablish a relationship with him. If she were in the mood to be honest, she had some personal interest in getting to know him. He was still the only man she had ever loved.
“I could meet you for dinner,” she said, grateful that she was staying with Paula and wouldn’t have to worry about finding a sitter. Gabe adored his grandmother and the feeling was mutual.
“I know a quiet Italian place close to you,” he said. “Grazies.” He gave her the address and simple directions. “Seven?”
“That’s fine. I’ll be there.”
JESSE PULLED INTO THE parking lot a couple of minutes early, which gave her a chance to check her makeup in the rearview mirror and try to get her breathing under control. She was beyond nervous and telling herself to get a grip wasn’t helping.
Too much had happened too fast. Coming home, dealing with family, seeing Matt, knowing everyone in Seattle she cared about hated her. The irony with Matt was she hadn’t done anything wrong. She’d fallen in love with him, nothing more. Yet he blamed her for so much.
“Deep breaths,” she told herself as she climbed out of her car and walked toward the restaurant.
Matt was waiting by the front desk, looking tall and handsome in a long-sleeved shirt and slacks. He’d come a long way from that geeky computer nerd she’d first met in a Starbucks years ago. But were all the changes on the outside or had he transformed who he was inside as well?
They were led to a booth by a window overlooking the patio. Jesse slid in then took the offered menu. Despite how great everything sounded, she didn’t know if she was going to be able to eat. Not sitting across from Matt.
He thanked their server and studied the wine list. “They have a nice selection of Italian wines,” he told her. “Any preferences?”
“No. Whatever looks good to you is fine.”
He nodded, still studying the wines.
She remembered the first time they’d gone to dinner at the Olive Garden. She’d thought he was adorable. She still remembered the flash of his smile and how she’d realized he was someone she might have to worry about.
“What are you thinking?” Matt asked.
“Nothing much.”
“It was something. You had an interesting look on your face.”
She didn’t feel that telling him the truth was a good idea. “I saw Nicole today. We had a tasting for the brownies I’ve been working on and she liked them. We’re going to start selling them in the bakery.”
“That’s good. Things are going well with her?”
Jesse thought about her sister’s determination to think the worst of her. “We’re making progress.”
“You’re still staying with my mother?”
“Yes.” Did he want to hear about the woman who’d raised him? Did he miss her? “She’s been wonderful. Gabe thinks she’s fabulous and she can’t get enough of him. They play and watch movies and go for walks. I kind of feel guilty for having so much free time. It’s been nice.”
Matt’s expression was impossible to read. She searched his dark eyes, but he wasn’t giving anything
away.
She hesitated, then said, “She’s changed. Before she didn’t want anything to do with me. I think she would have been happy if I’d been run over by a truck and left on the side of the road.”
“Probably,” Matt told her.
Ouch. Not that it wasn’t true. “But she’s different now. Open. She wants a relationship with me and Gabe.” Jesse touched her water glass but didn’t pick it up. “She misses you.”
The server appeared. Jesse sighed at the timing. They placed their orders. When they were alone again, she said, “What happened between the two of you? You used to be so close. I know I got caught in the middle.”
He stared at her for a long time. “I never forgave her for telling me about you and Drew.”
His voice was low and flat. Despite her innocence, she flushed. The humiliation was hard to escape.
Paula had come to the house to do whatever she could to break up Jesse and Matt. Nicole had told her that Jesse no longer lived there and had gone into detail as to why. Paula hadn’t wasted any time in rushing to tell her son about Jesse’s supposed affair with her sister’s husband.
Jesse still ached with the unfairness of what had happened. She’d gotten away with so much when she’d been a teenager, then she’d been damned by something that hadn’t happened at all.
“I never forgave her for that,” Matt said. “Not for telling me, but for being so happy about it.”
“She’s sorry,” Jesse said, feeling that the Paula issue was more easily fixed than her own situation. “She misses you.”
“You’re taking her side?” He sounded surprised.
“Yes. I told you, she’s changed. She’s been great to me and Gabe. I wish she and I could have become friends five years ago. We both had you in common.”
“You’re giving her too much credit.”
“I don’t think so. We all make mistakes.”
He looked at her. “Including you?”
“My list is long and impressive, but it doesn’t include sleeping with Drew.”
“Jesse,” he began.
She shook her head. “No, Matt. I have to say this. I have to explain.” For the second time that day, she told the story of that horrible night. When Drew had sat on the edge of her bed and she’d poured out her heart and he’d told her she wasn’t a one-guy woman. She left out the part about finding the engagement ring, saying instead that she knew she was in love with him and terrified of messing up. An equal truth, she thought.
“I never slept with him,” she concluded. “I never wanted to. He was wrong about me. You were the one I was in love with. Just you.”
She couldn’t tell what he was thinking, if he believed her or not. She wished there were better words to convince him.
“I know you’ve spent the past five years thinking the worst of me,” she said. “I know it’s going to take a little time to consider that there might be another explanation for what happened. Can you at least be open to the possibility?”
“I can try.”
“It’s a place to start.”
The server returned with their bottle of wine. After she’d opened it and Matt had tasted it, she poured them each a glass and left.
He picked up his wine. “To new beginnings.”
She touched her glass to his and hoped new beginnings were possible.
They ate their salads and talked about how Seattle had changed. When the entrées arrived, she asked him about his business. “When did you go out on your own?”
“Four years ago. I had some ideas that didn’t fit in with what I’d been doing at Microsoft. With the money I had from the games I’d licensed, I was able to start up without bank financing.”
“And keep all the profits for yourself.”
“How do you know there are profits?” he asked.
“I’ve seen your house.”
“I’ve been fortunate.”
More than that, she thought. “Now you’re the boss. How does that feel?”
“I like it,” he admitted. “Having a staff means I can focus on what I want to do. They take care of the details.” He cut into his chicken. “You’d like my assistant. Diane. She’s opinionated and does her best to run my life.”
“I’m surprised you allow that.”
“I don’t, but she ignores me.”
“Then she must be really good at her job.”
“She is.”
Jesse liked that Matt kept a mouthy assistant around, although she couldn’t say why. Did it make him more approachable? More like the man she remembered?
“Are you ever going to believe me?” she asked. “Is this ever going to be okay?”
He looked at her for a long time before reaching across the table and touching her hand. “I want it to be,” he said.
And for now, that was enough.
CHAPTER SIX
AFTER DINNER, MATT WALKED Jesse to her car. The meal had been an interesting combination of comfortable and awkward. They managed a few minutes of easy conversation, only to reach another bump. Jesse told herself that while she’d had years to work everything through, this was still new to Matt. She had to give him time.
She was oddly aware of him as they crossed the parking lot. It was summer, and the sun still hadn’t completely set, despite the fact that it was near nine.
“Thanks for dinner,” she said when they reached her Subaru. “We needed to talk.”
He touched her cheek with the back of his fingers. “I understand why you’re here,” he told her. “I’m working the problem.”
“Someone’s been to management seminars,” she teased.
He grinned. “More than I want to admit to.”
“You must hate them.”
“Every second.”
“All that group bonding.”
“Not my style,” he admitted.
That hadn’t changed, she thought. He’d always been more of a one-on-one guy. And speaking of one-on-one…
He seemed to be standing a little too close. He was still touching her cheek and she could feel definite heat where their skin brushed. His eyes were so dark, she thought, her brain getting fuzzy. She remembered when getting lost in them was the best way to spend a day. Was that still true?
“Dammit, Jesse,” he murmured.
Was he upset about the past? Aware of the growing tension between them? Thinking about kissing her as much as she thought about kissing him?
She knew she had to keep things light. Try to establish a friendship so he would be in a good position to get to know his son. Anything else would be a mistake. Only this was Matt and he’d been the last man she’d kissed. She suddenly ached to feel his mouth on hers, his arms around her. She wanted to feel aroused and safe at the same time. She wanted-
He leaned in and kissed her, just as she’d hoped he would. A light kiss that allowed her time to adjust to the reality after years of living on fantasy.
His mouth was exactly as she remembered. Warm and firm, but just soft enough to make her want more. She leaned in slightly, putting her hand on his upper arm where she felt his strong muscles. He cupped her jaw, then tilted his head and licked her lower lip.
Electricity shot through her. Need burned hot and bright, melting every part of her. She went from interested to intense in a heartbeat.
He put his free hand on her spine, above her butt. He used just enough pressure to draw her closer, but not so much that she felt she was going to be forced. Which made her want to shift nearer on her own.
Parts of her began to ache. It had been forever, she thought dreamily, and here she was, back where she’d started. She couldn’t help remembering how it had been between them-all passion and surrender. She wanted that again. Wanted all of it.
He deepened the kiss, then pulled back and kissed her jaw, the side of her neck before returning to her mouth. She felt herself getting swept away. The fact that they were in a restaurant parking lot didn’t really matter. There was only the moment and the man.
H
e kissed her over and over, arousing her with each stroke of his tongue. But something was different and that difference was what brought her back to reality.
She became aware of the way he slowly circled her spine with his palm. It was deliciously exciting and made her want to purr, but it wasn’t anything he’d ever done before. He dropped his hand from her jaw to her shoulder and lightly rubbed her bare arm. Again, thrilling but not Matt. Even his kisses were different. They were more perfect, more practiced. He was a man who knew how to arouse a woman in a matter of seconds.
She hadn’t taught him that.
She drew back and told herself it didn’t matter. That it had been a long time and of course he’d been with other people. But it hurt to have proof that his life had gone on.
“Jesse?”
She forced herself to smile. “Impressive. You know your way around a good seduction.”
“I’ve always enjoyed kissing you.”
It was true, Matt thought, knowing that getting Jesse into bed would be pleasurable for them both. So what if he had a good time? That didn’t mean he wouldn’t walk away when it was over.
“You’re kissing differently,” she said, then looked away as if she hadn’t expected to admit that.
“I’ve had practice.”
“I can tell.”
There was something in her voice. Annoyance? Hurt? He’d done his best to be charming during dinner-all part of the plan-and now he reminded himself there was a goal. Still, his temper flared to life.
“Did you expect me to live like a monk after you left?” he asked.
She met his gaze. “No. I expected you to take everything I’d taught you and use it on someone else.”
She was hurt and angry, he thought. Welcome to the club.
“Then you’re not disappointed,” he said. “I took everything I learned with you and put it to good use.” When she shivered, he added, “Come on, Jess. It’s not like you’ve been living a solitary life yourself. You’ve had guys around. That was always your style.”
She stepped back. “I told you before. There hasn’t been time. You have no idea what it’s like to be a single parent.”
Sweet Trouble Page 7
