Matt pointed to the map. “What else interests you?”
Gabe glanced at the open paper, then back at Matt. The light faded from his eyes. “I can’t read, Dad.”
Matt swore silently. “Sorry,” he muttered, feeling like an ass. “Let’s walk around and see what’s fun.”
Gabe sighed heavily as he followed at his side.
It shouldn’t be like this, Matt thought, more frustrated by the second. The was his kid. They should be able to spend a couple of hours together without bumping into each other on the curves.
Not knowing what else to do, Matt followed the signs to the Underwater Dome. They walked in through a tunnel that opened up into an area in the middle of a massive aquarium. They were surrounded by water and fish. Gabe pointed and ran over to the glass.
“Look! Look!”
He raced from side to side, unable to take it all in. Matt watched him and relaxed a little. Maybe everything was going to be okay.
They spent a long time in the Underwater Dome. At one point, Matt saw a couple of boys eyeing Gabe. They were older, bigger and each had a squirt gun in their hands. He strolled over, came up behind them and put a hand on their shoulders.
“Don’t even think about it,” he told them.
They looked up, swallowed, then took off.
“Want some ice cream?” he asked his son.
Gabe nodded.
They got ice cream and soda, then went to the octopus talk. Gabe listened attentively for about fifteen minutes as he licked his cone and got ice cream all over himself, then he started squirming. Matt led him out and was about to ask where they should go next when Gabe stumbled, clutched his stomach and promptly vomited all over the cement floor.
A woman in an aquarium uniform stopped next to him. “Poor kid. Too much ice cream, huh? The bathroom is over there. I’ll call for a cleanup.”
Gabe stood there, looking miserable. Matt didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t thrown up since a long night of drinking in college, but he remembered it wasn’t fun.
“Come on,” he said and ushered the boy into the bathroom. “You done?” he asked. “You need to throw up again?”
Gabe shook his head. Matt grabbed paper towels, dampened them and began wiping Gabe’s face. He didn’t know what to say. The ice cream had been kind of large. Matt hadn’t finished his, but Gabe had gotten the whole thing down…except the part that had melted on him. And the soda. That had been a mistake.
Who bought a four-year-old a large ice cream and soda? An idiot, that’s who. He was beyond stupid. There was no way in hell he should be allowed out with his son on his own. This time he’d gotten him sick. Next time it could be worse.
Frustrated and angry, he scrubbed the kid’s arms, then his hands. Gabe’s shirt and shorts were clean, but his shoes weren’t, so Matt wiped them as well.
He continued to berate himself, knowing that his plan to suck Jesse in, destroy her and take the kid had a massive flaw. While he wanted his former lover taken down, he had nothing against Gabe. Putting the child in mortal danger by hanging out with him was wrong. He had to-
A small sob caught his attention. He looked at Gabe and realized big, fat tears rolled down his cheeks.
Matt dropped the paper towel and grabbed him by his upper arms. “What’s wrong? Are you sick? Do you need to go to the hospital? Tell me. What is it?”
Gabe cried harder. Matt crouched down in front of him, feeling helpless.
“You gotta tell me, buddy,” he said. “I can fix it, whatever it is. Your stomach? Does it hurt?”
Gabe shook his head.
Okay, not that. “Your head? Your back?” What else could hurt on a four-year-old?
“You’re m-mad at me,” Gabe sobbed.
“What?” Mad at him? “No. Why would you think that?”
“You’re h-hurting me.” He pointed to a red spot on his arm where Matt had scrubbed a little too hard. “You l-look mad and you w-won’t talk to me.” There were more tears and a couple of heartbreaking sobs.
Matt felt like shit. Total and complete shit. He’d been so busy beating himself up, he hadn’t paid any attention to Gabe. Yet another way he was a danger to his son.
“I’m not mad,” he said, wishing Jesse was here and could take over. But she wasn’t. He was on his own. He knelt on the cement bathroom floor and wiped Gabe’s cheeks with his fingers. “I’m not mad at you.” He deliberately made his voice calm and friendly. “I’m kinda mad at myself.”
That got Gabe’s attention. The boy wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “Why?”
“You got sick because I bought you a big ice cream. I wanted to get you something you’d like, but I didn’t think that you’re still growing. I didn’t know it would make you throw up. The soda didn’t help, either. I felt bad and then I got mad at myself.”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“No. I’m having a good time with you.”
Gabe smiled through his tears. “Me, too,” he whispered, then threw himself at Matt.
His body was small and thin. Matt could feel his bones. The weight leaning against him was unfamiliar, but right. Not knowing what else to do, he hugged the boy. Skinny arms wrapped around his neck. He could feel Gabe’s heartbeat.
This was his son, he thought, understanding dawning for the first time. His child. He was responsible for him being alive.
He tightened his hug, then quickly relaxed, not wanting to accidentally hurt him again. Gabe hung on.
“How you feeling?” he asked.
“Okay,” Gabe said. “Tired.”
They’d been at the aquarium all of an hour, but maybe at four, that was enough.
“Want to go home?” he asked.
Gabe nodded.
Matt waited, but the kid didn’t let go. That was going to make it hard to walk. Then he said, “Want me to carry you?”
Gabe nodded again.
Matt carried him back to the car. Gabe hung on like he was never going to let go. Matt held him close, vowing that no matter what, he would protect this child. Take care of him. Unfamiliar emotions battled for space in his heart, but the one that got his attention the most was burning anger for all that he’d lost.
GABE SLEPT MOST OF the way home. He woke just as Matt pulled up in front of Paula’s house. Matt helped him out of the car seat then watched as Gabe ran to the front door where Paula waited and began talking about his trip. Jesse appeared, hugged him, then walked toward Matt.
She looked tired. His mother had told him that the temporary business was booming with plenty of Internet orders. Jesse was taking the early shift, arriving at work around four and staying at least twelve hours.
“He sounds like he had fun,” she said as she approached.
“He got sick. I gave him too much ice cream and he threw up.”
She winced. “At that age, it’s a pretty developed reflex. Did he get better right away?”
Matt nodded.
“Then he should be fine,” she told him. “Were you freaked? I should have warned you that could happen.”
She was beautiful, he thought. The long blond hair that had haunted him for months after she’d left. Her blue eyes. The shape of her mouth. Every inch of her appealed to him. Everything about her made him want her. Making love with her should have been nothing more than a way to further his plan, yet he’d been sucked in to the moment.
“You shouldn’t have to warn me,” he said, letting the frustration and anger boil up inside of him. “I should know.”
She looked confused. “How could you? You haven’t spent any time with Gabe.”
“You’re right. I haven’t. Whose fault is that? Who made sure I didn’t get to know my son?”
She took a step back and crossed her arms over her chest. “You did,” she told him. “You refused to believe the baby was yours, so don’t put this on me.” Only she didn’t sound totally convinced of what she was saying.
He had a reputation for being a ruthless bastard and he’d ea
rned it by never letting a moment of weakness go unexploited.
“It’s more than that,” he said, narrowing his gaze. “You knew there was no way I would believe you after what I’d found out.”
“No,” she snapped. “Not found out. After what you’d been told. I never slept with Drew, remember? There was nothing to find out.”
“All right. You knew I wouldn’t believe you after what I’d been told. You knew I’d think you’d gone back to your old ways-if you’d even given them up. But did you try to convince me again? Did you bother to get in touch with me after you had Gabe?”
“You didn’t come looking for me. You didn’t bother to find out.”
“I wasn’t the one who was pregnant,” he yelled. “You had a responsibility to give me the chance to be a father. You took that from me. You stole four years of my son’s life and there’s no way for me to get that back. You didn’t have the right, Jesse.”
She seemed to shrink into herself. “I wanted you to know him,” she said, obviously fighting tears.
“No, you didn’t. You liked being a single parent. You liked being right and thinking I was nothing more than the bastard who let you down. You got to play the victim card and that was always your favorite.”
She raised her hand like she was going to slap him. He grabbed her wrist. “Don’t.”
“Stop attacking me.”
“I’m telling the truth,” he said coldly. “You’re the one who is suddenly so big on the truth. You kept him from me on purpose. You were punishing me for not believing you.”
“Maybe I was,” she screamed and pulled her hand free. “Maybe I was. You hurt me, Matt. You said you loved me. You said you’d always be there for me but at the first sign of trouble, you couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. You never meant anything you said.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. You’re the one who couldn’t handle our relationship. You’re the one who ran.”
She flinched. “Maybe, but you didn’t come after me and I know why. You were already having regrets about us. You wanted out and I gave you a convenient excuse.”
She couldn’t have been more wrong, he thought, remembering how it had felt to hear his mother tell him Jesse had been cheating on him for their entire relationship. He wouldn’t have believed Paula-he knew she wanted Jesse gone. But learning that Nicole had thrown her sister out of her house for sleeping with Drew had made the impossible real to him.
He’d been beyond devastated. Her betrayal had made him question everything they’d had together, made him question himself. In the dark, ugly pain of losing her, he’d vowed to never care about anyone ever again.
“If you think I wanted out, you didn’t know me at all,” he told her.
“Just like you didn’t know me,” she whispered. “What was it you said? Once a slut always a slut?”
He’d regretted the words as soon as he’d said them. Now was the moment to tell her he was sorry. But he was so angry about Gabe, so enraged at what she’d done, that instead he said, “My opinion hasn’t changed.”
“How dare you?”
He noticed she didn’t try to slap him again.
“It’s pretty easy, Jess,” he told her, deliberately trying to provoke her. “Gabe talks about his ‘uncles’ all the time.”
“I’ve told you who they are.”
“Yeah. You’ve told me.” His tone made it obvious he didn’t believe her. “Why did you come back? Was this just more of your game? You wanted to make sure you showed me exactly what I’d been missing? You wanted me to suffer more? You picked a hell of a good way to do it. What I’ve lost with my child can never be recovered. You deliberately stole that. You decided I wasn’t going to be his father in anything but name and you made that happen.”
She went pale. “That’s not what I wanted,” she whispered. “Matt, no. You can’t believe that. If you could have seen how you looked at me five years ago. Do you know what you said to me? How you destroyed me? I wasn’t punishing you. I swear. I was trying to survive. I was so torn up inside, so hurt.”
He wasn’t impressed. He might have started with the idea of taking Gabe away from her as punishment, but now that he was realizing all that had been lost, he wanted her to feel what he was feeling now. The sense of knowing the past could never be recovered.
“You were wrong not to give me a chance,” he told her. “Nothing I said justifies what you did.”
Tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She started to speak, then stopped and shook her head. He felt her pain and did his best not to give a damn. She’d earned this.
“It wasn’t what you think,” she said.
“Does it matter? The end result is the same.”
A truck pulled up behind his car. He barely noticed. Jesse wiped her face, turned at the sound of a door slamming, then stunned him by running past him and launching herself at the man who’d just climbed out of the truck.
Matt eyed the two of them, hugging. His irritation cranked up a notch when the other guy wiped her face, then kissed her forehead.
He crossed to them, prepared to do battle, only to come to a stop when they faced him.
“Are you responsible for making my best girl cry?” Jesse’s friend asked.
Matt stared at him. This guy was old enough to be her grandfather, though tan, and still straight and tall. Under other circumstances, Matt would have instinctively liked him.
“She did that to herself,” Matt told him.
Jesse wiped away the rest of her tears. “Matt, this is Bill. Bill, this is Gabe’s father.”
The old guy eyed Matt. “You’ve had a bit of a shock. How you taking it?”
“Not well.”
“Jesse did the best she could.”
She had a champion, he thought grimly, not liking the situation. “She had a responsibility to tell me the truth.”
Bill looked at Jesse. “Is he an asshole? Do I need to beat the crap out of him?”
Matt was more than willing to take the old guy on. Except he couldn’t, what with Bill being twice his age.
“He’s okay,” Jesse said. “We’re working our way through it.”
Bill studied him for a few seconds. “If you say so, darlin’.”
Bill had his arm around her. She seemed very comfortable next to him. Yet looking at them, Matt knew there had never been anything between them. The old guy was just what she’d said. A friend.
Which should have made him feel better, but didn’t.
Jesse knew she should probably be standing on her own two feet, but it felt good to be leaning on Bill, even for just a couple of minutes. He’d always been there for her and right now she needed a friend.
Matt’s accusations still rang in her ears, making her feel small and petty.
He was wrong, of course. He had to be wrong. She hadn’t been punishing him by keeping his son from him. Had she? While she’d never thought of that as her motive, was it possible that deep inside she’d wanted to hurt him back? Hurt him as much as he’d hurt her? Was she really that horrible a person?
It was too much to consider, so she focused on Bill. They walked up to the house, Matt coming with them. She ushered Bill inside, only to have Gabe come running into the room, then launch himself at the older man.
“Uncle Bill! Uncle Bill!”
The boy’s joy was impossible to miss. Jesse glanced at Matt. His face didn’t show any emotion, but she saw the tightness in his jaw, the stiffness in his body. Bill had known Gabe all his life. He’d been a part of everything Matt had missed and it was possible that was her fault.
She touched his arm. “Matt, I’m sorry.”
He looked at her, his eyes blazing with a rage she’d never seen before. “Do you think that comes close to being enough?” he asked, then turned and left.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Five years ago…
JESSE PUT THE LAST OF the plates in the cupboard, then stood back to look at the neat stacks of dishes. Matt hadn’t had much
in the way of housewares to move. Except for his clothes and a few personal items, everything in the town house was new. The flatware, the pots and pans, the sofa, the bedroom set, all of it. It was new and lovely and made what had been an empty space seem almost homey. Or it would when the furniture arrived.
She glanced at her watch. All the delivery appointments were between ten and one. She and Matt had decided to get them all over at once. She’d volunteered to take the day off work, because sitting in an empty place was better than dealing with Nicole at the bakery.
Now as she moved from room to room, she tried to imagine what it would look like when Matt really lived here. When she really lived here.
Just thinking the words made her both smile and shiver. He’d asked her to move in with him shortly after he’d signed the paperwork to buy the place. They’d picked out all the furniture together, had argued about towel colors and who was going to do the cooking. They’d made love on the carpeted floor and he’d promised he would love her forever.
For all her sexual experience, Jesse had never had a real boyfriend before. Not one who called when he said, didn’t explode for no reason, who seemed to love her as much as he said. It was wonderful…and terrifying. She couldn’t stop wondering how long it would be until she totally screwed up everything.
That was her pattern. She’d done it all her life. Her sister kept telling her she took screwing up to a professional level. Jesse had never cared about it before because there hadn’t been anything to lose. But now? Matt was everything to her. She didn’t know if she would survive destroying what they had.
Which was why she hadn’t yet agreed to move in with him. She was beyond scared. The love that burned inside of her was so strong, so real, it had become as much a part of her as her heartbeat. What if she did something wrong?
Matt understood why she was afraid and had told her to take her time. He’d been kind and loving and then had teased her into laughing. He was perfect, or as close as she needed a guy to be.
The doorbell rang. She hurried to the front door and let in the first of the delivery guys.
The next couple of hours passed quickly. The upstairs media room sofa came first, quickly followed by the kitchen table and chairs they’d ordered. The living room furniture was still being put into place when two guys showed up with the big bed he’d bought. A bed they’d giggled over in the showroom.
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