by KE Payne
“Drink?” I removed myself from his hug and walked towards the kitchen.
“You got a beer there?” Matt followed me into the kitchen and leant against the sink, watching me.
I retrieved a beer from the fridge and flipped the lid from it before handing it to him, nodding as he thanked me and took a large drink from it. I watched as the bubbles settled back in the bottle and wondered briefly if Fickle was drinking beer, wherever she was right now. I shook my head, almost as if to shake the thought of it from my head, and grabbed myself a beer, flipping the lid from it and drinking it back.
“You okay?” Matt was still leaning against the sink.
I looked at him.
“Bit of a headache, thassall.” I thought I saw a brief flash of disappointment on his face.
“C’mere.” Matt placed the beer bottle down on the side and held his arms out to me. He wrapped his arms tight around me as I leant against him, burying my head in his shoulder, my beer bottle still grasped tightly in my hand.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered into my hair. “You do know how I feel about you, don’t you?”
I nodded into his shoulder, then watched as he took the beer bottle from me and placed it on the side. I followed resignedly as he took my hand and led me from the kitchen. We paused at the bottom of the stairs as Matt took my face in his hands and kissed me again, softly at first, then harder, his lips cold and wet against mine. My head started spinning and I found myself kissing him back, hard, as visions of Fickle swam into my head over and over again.
Without another word, I took his hand and climbed the stairs, leading him to my bedroom and pushing him down onto my bed. I clambered on top of him and kissed him again, before we both flipped over so that he was now on top of me, regaining the upper hand once more.
“Are you sure?” he asked, voice husky, eyes intent.
I nodded.
Matt leant back and pulled his jumper off over his head, throwing it onto the floor, then nuzzled at my neck, telling me to take my top off too. I did what he wanted and lay back down, letting him kiss his way down my body, before he started undoing my jeans.
I lifted my hips up and let him pull my jeans down, wriggling my legs a little to help them down and watched, almost in slow motion as Matt raised himself up and unbuckled his belt, pulling his jeans down too. He leant back over me, hands either side of my head, and dipped his mouth to mine, kissing me more urgently.
“I’ve waited soooo long for this,” he whispered, tugging at my knickers. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this, Immy.”
His words washed over me as I lay back and closed my eyes, hating the feeling of Matt’s rough body pressed against mine. Images of Fickle burned into my eyes as I squeezed them tight shut, almost as if to keep them safe inside me, and away from Matt. Images of Fickle being with her ex, images of Fickle being with me and doing this with me swam through my head as I felt Matt’s body start to move against mine.
Afterwards, as we lay spooning, tears rolled down my face, soaking my pillow. But I knew I’d done the right thing. Sleeping with Matt had been the barrier I’d needed to break for months. Now I’d done it, I could start to forget about Fickle and finally be a proper girlfriend to Matt.
I wasn’t gay. I was straight. And you know what? I’d just damn well proved it.
Chapter Six
After Matt had gone, kissing me tenderly good-bye at the front door and telling me how happy he was, I returned to my room and lay on my bed in the darkness, just staring up at the ceiling. I remembered everything we’d just done and tried to stem the feeling of panic about to overwhelm me.
Why had I done it? Why?
I knew darned well why. Fickle.
I wanted to prove something to myself, but what was it? That Matt was important to me and that Fickle didn’t matter? Was I trying to punish her? Punish myself? Ridiculous! Fickle was nothing to me, yet here I was imagining that I’d just slept with Matt so that it would punish her for going out when all I’d wanted was for her to be with me, even if only in cyberspace.
I rubbed at my eyes, trying to stop the tears I knew were only one more thought away. I was going mad; there was nothing else to explain it. I was infatuated with someone I’d never even met, infatuated to the point that I’d slept with my boyfriend and hated every second of it. Just to prove a point.
I looked across to the computer and, hauling myself from my bed, set myself down in front of it and brought up MSN again. I knew Fickle wouldn’t be around, but a small part of me kept hoping that she might show, even though the last thing I needed was her telling me about her fabulous night out with her ex. As MSN flickered into life, I secretly prayed that her name would be there. It wasn’t. Instead, I went to the message board, seeking comfort that I knew I’d get from an hour or so of inane chatting.
I posted a few hellos and answered a few threads, but my heart wasn’t in it. Despite every part of me telling me I was being stupid, I knew that what I really wanted was Fickle. Joey’s name flashed up on MSN and I smiled. Relieved to have the chance to talk to someone, I sent her a message:
Barnaby Rudge: Hey!
Joey: Hey! You okay? You sound a bit down in the dumps on the board tonight.
Barnaby Rudge: Bit fed up, is all.
Joey: That doesn’t sound like you! Wassup?
Barnaby Rudge: Oh I dunno, Joe. My life’s just a bit confusing right now.
Joey: You wanna talk about it? I’m having an argument with someone called HoBo on the board, so I think I’m kinda gonna be here for the night!
Barnaby Rudge: It’s just, I dunno. I’m going out with this guy, right?
Joey: Uh-oh, man trouble alert!
Barnaby Rudge: And he’s nice and he’s good looking and he’s attentive and he treats me well and all.
Joey: Uh-huh.
Barnaby Rudge: But I’m not getting it, you know?
Joey: Not getting what? Sex?
Barnaby Rudge: LMAO! Noooooo! I’m not getting HIM.
Joey: Ah! Phew! ’Cos it’s best not to ask me about yukky things like boy sex, y’see. I bat for the other team, kiddo, so I wouldn’t be much cop advising you about that.
Barnaby Rudge: Ah, right!
Joey: But lemme tell you, I’ve been out with enough women to help you with the whole ‘not getting it’ vibe. Ooooh believe me, mate, I’ve been there and bought the T-shirt. Mind you, there’ve been times I wished I’d kept the receipt…
Barnaby Rudge: And what did you do?
Joey: Well the thing is, you know when a person’s right for you, don’t you?
Barnaby Rudge: Yuh huh.
Joey: ’Cos you get, like, the butterflies, the whole ‘can’t eat’ thing, the ‘can’t stop thinking about them’ thing, don’t you?
Barnaby Rudge: Yeah.
Joey: So are you getting all that with your bloke?
Barnaby Rudge: No, that’s just it. I mean, I like him. I like him a lot. He’s a good guy, you know?
Joey: But he ain’t setting your candle alight?
Barnaby Rudge: Doesn’t even have the matches.
Joey: LMAO! I like that.
Barnaby Rudge: And I try, y’know? I try sooo hard to feel something resembling attraction to him, but I can’t. I mean, it’s like, I look at him and I can see he’s good looking but there’s nothing there. And we’ve been out on loads of dates, so you’d kinda think there’d be some sort of spark by now, wouldn’t you?
Joey: You would. It’s getting you down, is it?
Barnaby Rudge: Yeah, because I don’t know what to do. We, uh, we slept together for the first time tonight.
Joey: K, toooooo much information!
Barnaby Rudge: Soz!
Joey: LMAO, s’ok! So you slept with him, and?
Barnaby Rudge: Nothing.
Joey: Erk.
Barnaby Rudge: Indeed. I mean, I must have wanted to do it with him, why else would I have done it? I dunno, I s’pose I was curious to see if I’d feel anythin
g more for him, you know?
Joey: I do know. And so you did it and…zippo?
Barnaby Rudge: Complete zippo. I just lay there like a dead fish on a harbour wall or summat. I dunno what to do, Joe!
Joey: Well, if you ask me, I’d say move on. Find someone who does float your boat. It’s not fair on him, and it’s certainly not fair on you. Sounds like you’re wasting your time, kiddo.
Barnaby Rudge: But why it is he doesn’t do anything for me?
Joey: Blimey, loads of reasons! I’ve been out with girls before who I’ve liked on our first date, but by the third date or whatever it’s been obvious they’re not the one for me. It’s kismet innit? Stars colliding and all that. And when you do meet someone that lights up your life, makes you feel all mushy inside, and kinda makes you grin stupidly just thinking about him, well, then you’ll know he’s the one for you.
I looked at Joey’s words. I’d already found that person, hadn’t I?
Barnaby Rudge: Joey, can I ask you something personal?
Joey: Sure! As long as it’s not about my weight, ha ha!
Barnaby Rudge: What’s it like being with a girl?
Joey: Oooh, now that IS personal!
Barnaby Rudge: Sorry. Don’t answer if you don’t want.
Joey: Nah, you’re cool. It’s, well, it’s amazing actually. Women are nice, y’know?
Barnaby Rudge: I know!
Joey: And they’re softer and they sure as hell smell nicer than men!
Barnaby Rudge: Ha, ha! I’ll bet!
Joey: And women kinda get other women, know what they want. They’re probably just a bit more in tune with another woman’s feelings ’cos it’s only what they’re thinking too. But, hey, that’s not to say they can’t hurt you too. It ain’t just men who can break your heart, you know!
Barnaby Rudge: When did you know you were gay?
Joey: Flip, Barnaby! This is deep stuff for a Saturday night, you know!
Barnaby Rudge: Soz. I’m just interested.
Joey: I think I’d known since I was little, and I kinda had crushes on girls all the time, but then I fell madly in love with my best friend at school and then I knew for sure.
Barnaby Rudge: Did your best friend know?
Joey: Nope, I kept it to myself for ages and it was agony. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t function when I was around her. I eventually withdrew into myself ’cos I couldn’t cope with it all and then one day she asked me if I was okay and I told her I loved her.
Barnaby Rudge: And?
Joey: And she was disgusted. She never spoke to me again.
Barnaby Rudge: Jeez, Joe! That’s awful!
Joey: It was. Some friend, huh? But, hey ho! That was three years ago and we haven’t spoken to each other since. It was hell seeing her every day at school afterwards, but I got through it, and then eventually I met someone else and we fell in love and suddenly everything fell into place.
Barnaby Rudge: You still with her?
Joey: Nah. We drifted apart, but being with her was just what I needed at the time ’cos at least it let me know who I was. Loving someone and being loved back was the most awesome thing in the world, and it was brilliant while it lasted, but sometimes people drift apart. That’s what happened to us.
Barnaby Rudge: That’s kinda neat. Apart from the drifting apart bit!
Joey: And now I’m with a girl called Claire and, yeah, I like her a lot and, well, we’ll see!
Barnaby Rudge: And you’re happy?
Joey: Very.
Barnaby Rudge: Y’see, that’s what I want. To be happy with someone.
Joey: But you’re not happy with your boyfriend?
Barnaby Rudge: No.
Joey: Then it’s like I said. As harsh as it sounds, maybe you gotta move on! Life’s too short, kiddo.
Barnaby Rudge: I think you’re right.
Joey: Ah, I’m ALWAYS right! You’ll find someone, you’ll see.
I took a deep breath, feeling my heart beat a bit faster all of a sudden.
Barnaby Rudge: I think I may already have found someone else.
Joey: Woop woop! Good on ya, kiddo! What’s his name?
I stared at the screen and screwed up my hands into tight balls, gently knocking my knuckles against each other, wanting to tell Joey, but hardly daring to. This would be the first time I’d admitted to anyone that I had feelings for Fickle, but more importantly, this would be the first time I’d admitted I fancied a girl. It felt strange.
Barnaby Rudge: Thing is, Joey, it’s a girl.
Joey: Woohoo! Welcome to my world!
Barnaby Rudge: Aaaand I dunno what to do.
Joey: Does she know?
Barnaby Rudge: No.
Joey: Is she gay?
Barnaby Rudge: Yes.
Joey: Well, that’s a start! LOL.
Barnaby Rudge: I know. But the thing is, I don’t want to scare her off by telling her I fancy her, because I like talking to her. I’d miss her if she wasn’t around.
Joey: Amen to that. Where did you meet her?
Barnaby Rudge: On the Internet. Don’t laugh.
Joey: Hey, who’s laughing? It’s where I met Claire!
Barnaby Rudge: Really? That’s wicked! I actually met this girl on the L&S message board.
Joey: Cool! Do I know her?
Barnaby Rudge: She’s called Fickle on the board. Her real name’s Gemma.
There was a brief pause.
Joey: The name Fickle rings a bell, I think, but I’ve never spoken to her, I don’t think. So do you think the whole business of you not feeling anything for your boyfriend has anything to do with Fickle?
Barnaby Rudge: I dunno, Joe. I don’t think it helps.
Joey: Are you gay, then? I mean, have you fancied other girls before her?
Barnaby Rudge: That’s just it, I don’t know what I am at the moment. I mean, yeah, I think I’ve fancied girls before but it’s been nothing like this! This is real intense, you know? And I’m so confused right now, it’s making me miserable. I feel like I’m someone I’m not…I feel like it’s all an act at the moment, like I’m hanging on by my fingertips.
Joey: I figured you were down. I’m very astute like that!
She’d added a winky sign, like Fickle does, making me suddenly wish for the umpteenth time that Fickle was online.
Barnaby Rudge: She sent me her picture, right? And the minute it came through it made me feel all weird.
Joey: But weird-good, yeah? Not weird-bad?
Barnaby Rudge: A bit freaked out but yeah, weird-good.
I paused. Then:
Barnaby Rudge: How do you know if you’re gay, Joe? I figure if I knew then I could at least do something.
Joey: It’s tricky, kiddo. It’s not like we wear a rainbow-coloured silk sash round our shoulders proudly declaring it each and every day.
Barnaby Rudge: She told me she has an ex-girlfriend as well.
Joey: But not a current one?
Barnaby Rudge: Don’t think so. She knows I have a boyfriend, though.
Joey: OK, well, if you do decide to dump your boyfriend—and I have a sneaky feeling you’re gonna—how about telling her you’ve dumped him only because you’re confused about her? She might be hanging back ’cos she knows you have a boyfriend. And then if you do dump him, then two birds, one stone and all that.
Barnaby Rudge: Sounds like a plan.
Joey: I know. I’m so perfect sometimes it frightens me.
Barnaby Rudge: How’d you get such a wise head on such young shoulders, Joe? We’re the same age but you sure as hell talk a lot more sense than I do!
Joey: LMAO! Life experiences, kiddo. Life experiences.
There was a pause. Then:
Joey: Hey, you wanna see MY picture? I can guarantee it’ll make you feel weirder than weird LOL.
Barnaby Rudge: Sure! I’ll send you mine too!
I switched across to my Hotmail and attached a picture, the same one of me in Scotland that I’d sent Fickl
e that first time. After I’d sent it, I noticed Joey’s e-mail to me, waiting patiently in my in-box, her photo attached.
It was a photo taken of her with a Christmas party hat on and what looked like a fake cigar in her mouth. She was pulling a silly face to the camera and, I dunno, she looked exactly as I’d expected her to; zany as hell.
Barnaby Rudge: I presume this was taken at Christmas, yeah?
Joey: No, I always wear Christmas hats, don’t you??!
She posted a poking out tongue at me, making me laugh.
