She looked past Davel to Trajen, hoping one of them might have some degree of common sense. "Boss?"
"If you don't want the Korilon to fly, don't flutter his wings."
Nope. No sense here, whatsoever.
Granted, Jullien's wrath was justified, but the fall-out on this would be the equivalent of a nuclear level holocaust.
Cringing over the war that would come once word of this spread, she screwed her face up in sympathetic pain as Jullien ripped open a side panel, reached into it and, with his bare hands, yanked out a fuel line to let it spew its highly flammable contents all over the main engine bay. An impressive feat of strength in and of itself.
If not one of all-out idiocy.
"Um, guys? Should I make mention that if he lights that, he's about to blow a quarter of this station straight to Tophet?"
Davel went pale. "She has a point."
Trajen didn't move. "Give him a minute."
Covering her lips with her hand, Ushara cringed in expectation of the massive explosion that would also probably kill them all.
But it didn't come. Rather, Jullien walked calmly over and used the bay's hydraulics to send the ship out the main doors, and didn't ignite it until after it was clear of the station.
Then it went up in a massive boom of glory so powerful that it rocked the building around them.
Thankfully the vacuum of space protected the station from being damaged and the ship quickly settled down into nothing but a burned-out skeletal husk of what it had been just minutes before.
Without a word, Jullien turned and headed out of the bay.
Trajen expelled an elongated sigh. "Well, I certainly think he made his point about how he feels where Kirill is concerned. Comments?"
Davel shook his head. "All I'm thinking about is how pissed off Kirill will be when he finds out."
With a deep sigh, Ushara shrugged at something that couldn't be undone now. "You can tell him to address the bill in care of I don't give a shit, and shove it up his ass. With interest."
Laughing, Davel saluted her. "Will do, little sister."
"Now, if you'll excuse me..." She left them to go after Jullien to make sure he returned to her home safely.
But as she rounded the corner, she realized that he was heading back to his old quarters.
She ran to catch him. "Jules? You don't live there anymore. Vas and I moved your things to our place and returned the card to Gunnar."
Still, he didn't speak. He just continued to stare blankly at her.
And that broke her heart even more. "Come on, mi keramon." She took his arm and led him home where everything was calm and quiet.
Since it was late, Vasili was still at her mother's, asleep. They had her condo all to themselves.
Ushara took Jullien to the bathroom and stripped his clothes off so that she could bathe the stench of the cage, ship fuel, and fire from him. The new scars on his body tore her apart. There were so many more ...
"Jullien?" She tried to get him to look at her and he emphatically refused.
No matter what she tried, he kept his gaze averted as if he was too ashamed to look her in the eyes.
"I wish you'd tell me what's going on inside you. I just want to help. I see the pain you're in and it's killing me that I can't make it better. Please, baby, tell me what I can do."
Jullien heard those words and they shredded him. But the truth was, he didn't know how to answer her. How to reach out to someone. Because he'd been alone all his life, he didn't know any other way to cope other than to withdraw into himself. This was what he did when his world collapsed. It was how he survived it.
In all the worst times, he'd been left alone to face them. The death of his brother. His mother's violent tantrums. His father's verbal or physical assaults. The deaths of his fiancees. His stints in prison. His exile from Andaria and Triosa. Any time he screwed up, he was isolated and locked away.
No one had ever checked on him or reached out to see if they could soothe him. Not a single conversation or even a simple, hey, you. You okay?
So he didn't know how to let her help. All he knew was that it hurt deep down inside and he didn't know why this burned so much worse than all the others. Maybe because he'd wanted them to accept him this time, and in the past he hadn't cared.
Not that it mattered. He'd been a fool to think for even a nanosecond that he could ever be a part of a family of any kind.
And yet when she was with him like this ... he wanted to believe it was possible. He wanted to believe in her.
If only he could.
Closing his eyes, he trembled as her hands glided over his body and washed away the dirt and filth that clung to his skin. The agony that stained his soul.
She was the only one who'd ever touched him without giving him pain.
Why couldn't he be whole for her?
She deserved a normal male. One who could bring honor to her home and not the shame and turmoil that came with him.
You're a disgrace! And I will never allow you to bear my Triosan surname. Your mother and grandmother can do what they will with theirs, but I will die before I see something as worthless as you on our throne!
He could still feel his father's hands on his throat as he choked him and shouted in his face. See the hatred in his father's eyes that were so similar to his own as they condemned him even more than those words had.
It'd been a promise his father had kept to this day. Unlike Nykyrian, Jullien had never once been allowed to use his father's surname on any public record. For any reason.
Stupidly, Jullien had thought no one could ever make him feel worse or lower than his father had that day when Dancer Hauk had told Aros that Jullien had misplaced his signet ring in his gym bag and that Nykyrian hadn't stolen it, after all.
Jullien had thought nothing could hurt more than his own father choking him to death and walking out to leave him in the hands of medtechs without so much as an apology for his brutal assault.
Not until Kirill and his crew had torn the Tavali patches from his sleeves and thrown him to the Ladorian slavers.
"Isn't he one of your crew?"
"Nah, he ain't shit to us. We're just hoping to get some free entertainment out of him before we go. It's all he's worth."
"Jullien?" Ushara's voice cut through his memories. But all that did was hurt even more....
Ushara tried again to pull Jullien away from wherever his thoughts were taking him.
A single tear fell down his cheek.
"Oh baby." Her heart lurching, she kissed it away and wished she knew what to do.
Finishing his bath, she dried him off and took him to bed. There she snuggled beside him and held him as best she could.
"I'm right here, Jules. Whenever you're ready to talk or not talk, or whatever you need." She wrapped her body around his, and listened to his ragged breathing. For the longest time, she thought she was wasting her efforts.
Until she felt him wrap his arms around her body. A few minutes later, he finally fell asleep while holding onto her like she was his lifeline.
*
"How's he doing?"
Ushara shook her head as she opened the front door and allowed Oxana to enter with Vas and Nadya. "He still hasn't spoken."
"I'm sorry."
"Is Basha Dagger sick, Mama?" Nadya frowned up at them.
"He is, mia."
She pursed her lips. "We made him a card." She tugged at Vasili's sleeve. "Show your mama what we did for your paka so ... so that he'd feel better."
Vas handed Ushara a piece of paper. "It's what her and her sisters did yesterday while we waited for you to come back."
Ushara smiled at the pictures of Jullien with them at temple. "Why don't you two go give it to him while I finish making breakfast?"
"Okay." Vasili took Nadya to the bedroom.
Ushara led Oxana to the kitchen where she'd left everything cooking. "Thank you for picking up Vas. I don't know what I would have done to Paka had I seen him t
"Yeah, it was bad. Basha Klavdii was there and he was furious about what Jullien did to Kirill's ship. He was demanding Paka do something."
Ushara curled her lip. "Like what?"
"No idea. But it's nuclear."
"Bring it with both hands. As much as he might want a piece of my Jules, I want a piece of Kirill's jewels. And I assure you, I will get my way first."
"I know you will, sister. I know you will."
*
Jullien opened his eyes to find a small, happy face surrounded by white blond curls, peering at him over the mattress.
"Nadya, stop!" Vas whispered loudly. "He's still sleeping. Just leave it by the bed and let's go before you wake him."
Giggling as she pulled the mattress down with her little hand, she smiled even wider. "He's not sleeping. His eyes are open. You're awake, aren't you, Basha Dagger?"
Jullien wasn't sure what to say as he stared into a pair of innocent white eyes that studied him curiously.
Cocking her head, she gave him an adorable scowl. "Why you so sad, Basha Dagger? You're home! We missed you so much! We were sad while you were gone and then Mama said you were back and we've been so happy that you were home again." She shoved a piece of paper in his face. "We made this for you to say how much we love you. Well ... me and my sissies drew the pictures and Vasi wroted the words 'cause we can't writed yet. But we did the pictures. See the pictures?" She climbed up on the bed to sit on her knees next to him.
His eyes teared up as he saw the images of her with him in temple, sitting beside Vasili and the rest of her family. Pushing himself up in the bed, he forced himself to smile at her. "It's beautiful, Tara Nadya. Thank you."
Smiling, she threw herself against his chest and hugged him. "Love you, Basha Dagger!"
He looked up and met Vasili's gaze.
Tears were flowing down his cheeks, too. "When Davel came back and wouldn't say anything ... I-I thought you were dead. That I'd never see you again."
Jullien held his hand out to Vasili. "I wouldn't do that to you, mi tana."
Vasili tackled him with a hug. "Don't ever die."
Closing his eyes, Jullien held them.
Ushara froze in the doorway as she saw Jullien and the children locked in a tight embrace.
He opened his eyes as if sensing her presence. If she lived a thousand years, she'd never forget the haunted pain in their red depths.
She moved to set her tray on the nightstand before she neared them. "Are they bothering you?"
He shook his head. "Not at all." He kissed Nadya's head, then Vasili's. Clearing his throat, he picked up the picture. "Where should we put this beautiful work of art, Naddimaer?"
She giggled at his nickname for her. "Where can we put it, Lyr Shara?"
"How about on the mirror so that Basha Dagger can see it every day?"
"Okay!" Excitedly, she scooted off the bed and ran to hang it at a crooked angle from the mirror with Vasili's help.
"I have sweetcakes ready in the kitchen for both of you, if you're hungry."
Balling her fists with her excitement, Nadya squealed and ran for the door, then double backed to hug and kiss Jullien. "I'll bring you some, Basha!"
Vasili hesitated at the foot of the bed with a troubled frown.
"What's wrong, baby?" Ushara asked.
"Jex said last night that even if you succeeded in bringing Jullien home that our graspa and yaya weren't going to allow him to stay. That his paka and the rest of the clan would block his citizenship. He said they were going to force you to make Jullien leave."
She gave him a chiding stare. "No one makes me do anything I don't want to do. Haven't you learned that yet?"
"But if they won't vote him in..."
"Jullien is my husband and your father. They can't do anything about that. It's already done. As for blocking, they wish. I'm about to bust their Canting and suspend their citizenship. None of them will have a vote, one way or another. That's what they need to be worried about, instead of his."
Vas's eyes widened. "Do they know that?"
She shook her head. "And don't tell them. The trial will be tomorrow. I'll render my verdict to them then."
He turned back to Jullien. "So then you're staying? Right? You're not leaving us?"
Jullien looked at Ushara. "Your mother and the gods are the only ones who have the ability to keep me from you.... And I'm not so sure about the gods."
Vasili sniffed back his tears before he followed after Nadya. "You better save some for me, Naddi!"
Alone with Jullien, Ushara approached him slowly, unsure of his mood. She smoothed his furrowed brow and sat beside him on the mattress. "How are you feeling?"
"Lost."
She took his hand and cradled it between hers. "You're not lost. You're home where you belong."
Jullien trembled as those words sank in and warmed the coldest part of his soul.
Ushara reached to the table and picked up a mug of the hot cider he liked. He didn't know how she remembered that. But she did.
"Thank you." He sipped it and noted the time. "Aren't you late for work?"
"I took the day off."
"Why?"
Smiling gently, she traced circles around his chest. "I wanted to be with you."
"I don't understand."
She looked at him with that same stunned expression she wore any time he said something that was ludicrous in her world and yet normal for his. God, to have grown up in her environment.
"The last thing you need right now is to be alone. I stayed home to take care of you. Hasn't anyone ever done that for you before?"
He shook his head.
"Not even when you were sick as a boy?"
Again, he wished he'd been able to live the life she took for granted. But such things had never been known to him. "No, Shara. I was always quarantined to keep from making anyone else ill."
Ushara arched a brow at his choice of words. Surely, he didn't mean ... "Quarantined?"
"I'm a hybrid species. They were terrified I'd contract something harmless, mutate it into a deadly form, and cause it to become unresponsive to treatment for others, both human and Andarion. So whenever I was ill, I was moved into a sterile environment until the doctors determined I was no longer a biological hazard or intergalactic health crisis waiting to happen."
Yes, he had meant that. She couldn't believe it. "And no one sat with you while you were sick?"
"No. It was always too risky. Trust me. One sneeze, and I can clear a room faster than a bomb threat."
She sat in stunned disbelief of their blatant disregard for him. Of all the things he'd told her, she didn't know why this one seemed so much more horrible than the others, but it did. She couldn't imagine being ill as a small child and not having her mother tend her. Having someone bring her soup and ... well, care.
"For the record, Jules? I hate your parents."
"I don't."
"How can you not?"
"I don't know." He rubbed at his forehead. "I guess I just feel sorry for them."
"Why?"
"They could have chosen to be happy together. All they had to do was stand up for each other and their sons. And they didn't. Instead, they chose rank and position over family. My mother refused to give up her job as prime commander to marry my father when she found out she was pregnant with us, and my father refused to give up his empire to marry her. They wanted everything, and they ended up with nothing."
"It doesn't excuse what they've done to you."
"Maybe, but had they not done it, I wouldn't be here with you now. I'd be in their empires, married to someone else. And I wouldn't cherish you as much as I do. So honestly? You should be grateful to them for making me able to appreciate you the way I do."
She gave him a suspicious glare. "You don't really believe that. Do you?"
He swallowed hard as he took her hand in his and caressed her fingers. "When I was younger, I hated them viciously. I did. I stayed angry all the time. At everyone ... even myself. It wasn't until the night my brother confronted me that I was able to finally let that anger go. But the one thing I learned from being with your bastard cousin and his crew ... it doesn't matter when you try to make them like you. If they're determined to hate, they hate, these last five years, I kept thinking that if I'd just been a better son.... If I'd done what my parents had wanted me to, and kept my mouth shut, and not fought them like I did. If I'd followed the rules and played along, that things would have been different. That they'd have accepted and loved me."
His gazed burned into hers. "It didn't matter. I did everything Kirill asked of me, Shara. Everything. I kept my mouth shut and sucked it all up. And they still gave me away like I was garbage."
"Oh honey..."
He finally looked away. "So no, I don't hate or blame my parents. Apparently, the flaw's with me. Whether I try or not, I'm the one who never fits in. It's the old saying, right? If everyone's an asshole, maybe the asshole's you. I guess I'm the real asshole, after all."
She tugged at his hand. "You know better."
He laughed bitterly. "You have twin sisters, right?"
"Yes."
"You know how they talk about the unbreakable bound between twins? How close they are from the moment of birth and how they have their own language with each other?"
"Of course."
"I never had that with my brother. Not once." His voice was scarcely more than a whisper--that tone told her just how much this confession bothered him. How long he'd kept it his own secret without telling it to anyone else. "My earliest memories are of watching him and Galene Batur playing together in our nursery."
Meeting her gaze, he laughed bitterly. "I had the biggest crush on her. I thought she was the most beautiful girl on Andaria. Like some angel that had fallen from the gods to grace us. Whenever she'd visit with her father, I wanted to make her smile at me the way she'd smile and laugh at my brother. But she never did. She could barely stand to look at me and was always so impatient and annoyed with everything I did. I'd get so frustrated over it that I'd end up fighting with both of them, and they'd shove me out of the room to leave them in peace so that they could play without my interfering. And all I wanted was to be part of their group. Then when Nyk was gone, I had so much guilt over it all. Like I'd wished it on him because I wanted to play with her on those afternoons. And it always made me think that I must have been defective from birth and that Nyk somehow knew it. Why else would my own twin have rejected me?"
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